white lies.

[reinventmyself]

Bat, in reading reinvents' post, we don't know if her bf lied to her, she posted he lies to others, which is causing her to question whether or not he is/was lying to her too.

 

Thanks for rereading the post for clarification.

No. . he doesn't lie to me.

 

With the one exception of saying he was mowing his friends yard, when he was really assembling my patio furniture. I know, horrible, right?! That's what triggered the whole thing.

I was the exception up until that moment. But what was his intention . .?. . .I ask myself.

Really, in a big world picture, he hasn't caused anyone any harm and never would.

And no, he doesn't do often, for that matter. IF I had to count, possibly half a dozen times and 18 months.

 

The only harm he's done at this point is put this doubt in my head.

I will talk to him tonight and one thing that is for certain, he's a fair and reasonable person always wanting to please and improve.

 

Interestingly enough, there's a post today about someone's bf lying to her about his smoking. Yet it doesn't gain any attention.

2 responses about the dangers of smoking and she doesn't get the high drama, personal lashing this one did. Really?

 

Second day and this one is still rolling.

 

It's a good debate. That's all.

And to those who know. I do have a lot going on right now. Not in an emotional place to defend myself. Even though I think I just did.

Mostly I feel like I disrespected him some by putting this up here for target practice. It's unfairly shaded my view towards him last night.

He has been nothing but kind, generous, transparent and loving to me. He didn't deserve this.

 

That's why I am (trying) not to participate in this.

I'll handle it. And I'll handle it my way.

[katrina1980]

Yeah, the smoking thread, you're right!

 

I was actually going to refer the OP to this thread, I still might!

 

I am glad you are going to talk to him, for peace of mind more than anything.

 

And yes this is a very good debate, and I hope you didn't take offense to anthing I or anyone posted.

 

I know for me, on my threads, I can receive 50 positive posts, but it's those one or two negative ones that can really bring me down.

 

Oh and btw, I didn't re-read your original post, I remembered from reading first time.

[SherrySher]

I never commented on the smoking one because her boyfriend hasn't been proven to be lying as such. She found cigarettes and assumes they are his but never actually asked him and hasn't seen him lie before.

 

I am waiting to see what happens when and if she actually confronts him and what he says.

[reinventmyself]

Yeah, the smoking thread, you're right!

 

I was actually going to refer the OP to this thread, I still might!

 

I am glad you are going to talk to him, for peace of mind more than anything.

 

And yes this is a very good debate, and I hope you didn't take offense to anthing I or anyone posted.

 

I know for me, on my threads, I can receive 50 positive posts, but it's those one or two negative ones that can really bring me down.

 

Oh and btw, I didn't re-read your original post, I remembered from reading first time. Lol

 

I don't mind peoples opinions and them sharing their experiences. If I did I wouldn't have posted it.

It's when it crosses the line to being personally insulting that I have problem with. It's so unnecessary and there is nothing to be learned from it.

 

If you don't know someone and can't see the picture in its entirety, then tread lightly and be respectful.

Not just for me, but for anyone that comes her asking for support.

[SherrySher]

Also, I wrote my opinions on how I live my life and what I accept from those close to me and what I don't. It doesn't mean it's a fit for everyone.

'

I hope you work out whats right for you and I am sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time right now.

[katrina1980]

I never commented on the smoking one because her boyfriend hasn't been proven to be lying as such. She found cigarettes and assumes they are his but never actually asked him and hasn't seen him lie before.

 

I am waiting to see what happens when and if she actually confronts him and what he says.

 

Good point Sherry.

[Batya33]

I’m sorry. I missed that about him “lying” to you - so he “lied” because he wanted to surprise you right ? Of course that’s fine. My husband made up elaborate lies to get me to come to my 30th bday surprise party and be surprised. And I’m thrilled he did! I get it and please understand I was sharing how I would feel when I had the facts wrong. I absolutely did not and would not refer to your SO as pathological or having issues because from what you wrote he doesn’t. Nor would I find it helpful to give any opinion like that.

[Tinydance]

Haven't read all the comments yet so sorry if I'm repeating what other people have said...I actually think that most people tell "white lies" for precisely this reason, to get out of awkward situations and to people please. I know this because I'm actually someone who's too nice and a bit of a people pleaser and find it hard to say "no" to people.

 

I think there is actually a difference with that and pathological lying. My Dad is an actual pathological liar and he very often lies literally only because the lying is compulsive. There are no real reasons behind the lying but only lying for the sake of it. For example, when he meets new people, he might say he has a few small kids. But in fact he has only one child who is me and I'm actually 34. Or he'll tell people he sells books but his real job is statistics. I think that's different than lying for an actual purpose and the purpose is not to be rude and hurt people's feelings.

 

You gave an example of how he lied to his son that he had to do something because the son wouldn't leave. I think there are actually many situations in life where you do have to lie. For example, when I've had a friend over and it's getting a bit late and I'm tired, but they're not leaving. So I might say that I have something on early in the morning so that they go but in fact I might have nothing on. Or let's say if my partner didn't like one of my friends (example only). And that friend invited us to a party but my partner didn't want to go. Obviously I wouldn't tell my friend that my partner doesn't like them but I'd just say my partner was busy. I think you'll find that people do this a lot and your friends and family probably done this to you too, but you just didn't know they were lying.

 

I think at the end of the day it just depends on whether you find this too annoying and it's a dealbreaker. Personally I do actually feel like white lies are better than rudeness sometimes. Like if you have a friend over and you just flat out said you wanted them to leave, they would be offended. You can even lose friends over being too blunt. I mean, we all know if the question is: "Does my bum look big in this?", the answer is always "no"

[Batya33]

"You gave an example of how he lied to his son that he had to do something because the son wouldn't leave. I think there are actually many situations in life where you do have to lie. For example, when I've had a friend over and it's getting a bit late and I'm tired, but they're not leaving. So I might say that I have something on early in the morning so that they go but in fact I might have nothing on. Or let's say if my partner didn't like one of my friends (example only). And that friend invited us to a party but my partner didn't want to go. Obviously I wouldn't tell my friend that my partner doesn't like them but I'd just say my partner was busy. I think you'll find that people do this a lot and your friends and family probably done this to you too, but you just didn't know they were lying.

 

I think at the end of the day it just depends on whether you find this too annoying and it's a dealbreaker. Personally I do actually feel like white lies are better than rudeness sometimes. Like if you have a friend over and you just flat out said you wanted them to leave, they would be offended. You can even lose friends over being too blunt. I mean, we all know if the question is: "Does my bum look big in this?", the answer is always "no" "

 

This resonates with me and I'm sorry you had to experience your father behaving that way -I would imagine it would be confusing to a child! You made me realize I've met a few people like that who lied to me, like that, upon meeting me with no real reason to do so. Anyway, I agree with your advice to the OP.

[reinventmyself]

I told a white lie on Wednesday. After meeting with my boss going over space planning for a large project that went south because of his negligence, I returned to his office 10 minutes later saying I wasnt feeling well and left for the day.

Telling him the truth might have cost me my job. So, yes my lie was self serving.

I think that makes me human.

[Wiseman2]

It seems situations like that are what the white lie are for. Sometimes there are no diplomatic answers/words, so it sort of serves as social lubricant in cases like this. The elaboration sounds like nervous fibbing on your bf's part, almost like a kid. It's sort of like ok ok leave well enough alone. There is a happy medium between "I'd rather have root canal that hang out again" and long winded fabrications. Suggest that your bf keep it simple.

I told a white lie on Wednesday. After meeting with my boss going over space planning for a large project that went south because of his negligence, I returned to his office 10 minutes later saying I wasnt feeling well and left for the day.

[katrina1980]

I told a white lie on Wednesday. After meeting with my boss going over space planning for a large project that went south because of his negligence, I returned to his office 10 minutes later saying I wasnt feeling well and left for the day.

Telling him the truth might have cost me my job. So, yes my lie was self serving.

I think that makes me human.

 

Of course!! We all do it. Most times without even realizing it.

 

Again, back to the movie I referred to earlier "Liar Liar" with Jim Carrey -- super funny movie but a lot of truth (pun intended!) in it.

 

His son made a wish that his dad (Jim Carrey) told the 100% truth to everyone he came across.

 

So he did and proceeded to wreak havoc upon himself and others, his whole world began falling apart!

 

Anyway, it really brought to light how little white lies are often necessary, so yeah I hear ya reinvent.

 

I personally still prefer the truth but I get it!

[reinventmyself]

It seems situations like that are what the white lie are for. Sometimes there are no diplomatic answers/words, so it sort of serves as social lubricant in cases like this. The elaboration sounds like nervous fibbing on your bf's part, almost like a kid. It's sort of like ok ok leave well enough alone. There is a happy medium between "I'd rather have root canal that hang out again" and long winded fabrications. Suggest that your bf keep it simple.

Thx Wiseman

[Jibralta]

I told a white lie on Wednesday.

 

Psychopath!!

 

 

 

 

(just kidding )

[reinventmyself]

Psychopath!!

 

 

 

 

(just kidding )

Lol[emoji1787]

[Cat13]

Having divorced a routine liar i agree with the above, but only to a point. White lies do exist. When i bride asks on her wedding day how she looks, and you honestly hate her dress and veil but smile and say 'You look beautiful, your glowing', well that is a white lie. Or when someone spills a drink during a party on your rug and you reply 'No, it's fine' when in your head your screaming Klutz, i wanred you twice you were going to dump that on my new rug... another white lie.

I'd tell him it needs to stop, people change. And if it doesn't well, you are right, you are likely not the exception