Valentine’s Day with someone you’re not exclusive with?

[bluecastle]

Yes, same gender relationship. I think I am able to accept this dynamic as long as I know for sure that she isn’t “playing” me. At this point we really haven’t discussed anything along the lines of a relationship so I really don’t know what she’s thinking or doing when we are apart. I understand that I have no right or business to even know about that or need her to tell me stuff like that but it just leaves question marks in my mind when I don’t hear from her. I don’t know if she is truly busy or these are just things she’s saying since I have plenty of other friends working on their phds that I see multiple times a week.

 

I am also still dating others but my main interest is with her. Perhaps this is something that I should bring up when I see her this weekend. I will need to play this by ear but overall, I think my insecurities do get the best of me at times.

 

Okay, so this just got interesting.

 

When you are not with her one thing you are doing is dating others. And that's fine—no labels, no rules, all good. I live in that world, believe me, and I love it. Takes me a good long time until I want things tied in a bow.

 

And yet you're a little edgy that maybe she is dating others and/or "playing" you. That's all totally human—no judgement. Still, I can't help but think there's a little projection going on here—basically that you're worried she may be doing what you're doing but doing it without the part where you are the main interest.

 

So I suppose the question here is: What do you need to feel like the main interest?

 

And this kind of goes back to what Thatwasthen said—which, for the record, I agree with. It all shouldn't be so edgy. Then again, I also very much agree with Batya that insecurity, unchecked, can really be a buzzkill when it comes to connecting.

 

Like, when I hear you worry that you're being "played"—to me that is insecurity as a preexisting condition. It's giving her way more agency and power than she really has. It's a victim mindset, and it doesn't bode well out there, where people and feelings are complex.

[Batya33]

I don't see why a decision not to date others is dismissed as labels/rules/or rigid/tying in a bow. For many many people choosing to focus just on each other is none of the above. It comes from a desire to be together, a desire to know that the other is focused romantically just on you, to explore serious potential without the distraction and insecurity that comes from not knowing where you stand and what the other person's intentions are. And with that foundation can be the best spontaneity, the best flexibility and vulnerability because it's in the context of commitment -of the freedom to share with each other without wondering, when the person is not with you, whether he/she is looking to pursue others/keeping options open. For some it might be from a desire to control, to be rigid, to package everything up - fine - that can work too but to assume that it's about rules and labels -sigh.

 

And yes I think it's negative to worry about being "played" - and my sense here is that even if she is not pursuing others, even if her style is not to stay in touch - that's not the issue -because if she felt when they were together, serious interest on this woman's part, it probably wouldn't occur to her -certainly not as much -how much they were in touch during the week. I loved talking with my husband daily when we were dating. We didn't text at all -I didn't have a cell - we talked basically every night we weren't together, for 20-30 minutes sometimes more depending on what happened during that day.

 

But I didn't need the call as a check in and while he usually called me that was because of convenience/schedules -the point is I don't remember who contacted whom- it was just fun and nice to chat and hear about each others' day.

 

But before we were officially back together there were those first few weeks where I didn't know where we stood,plus he was out of touch for about a week(not ignoring me, just not in touch) . And yes I worried but we hadn't even had a real date yet. Once we decided to be together again I never worried about whether he cared for me if I didn't hear from him -sometimes i worried that he was ok of course. And for part of one day I worried that he was upset with me. Part of one day and we've been back together for 13 years. A lot of my security came from us expressing our intention to be together, exclusively -and this was about 2 months before we slept together.

 

OP -if you want a relationship leading to serious potential my sense is she doesn't yet feel that way about you. I'd give it a few more dates at most because with all your insecurity very soon you're going to have a hard time faking it till you make it -acting cool and calm and centered around her and feeling ok in between dates.

[jackie103]

Okay, so this just got interesting.

 

So I suppose the question here is: What do you need to feel like the main interest?

 

Ideally, communication every 2 days or every other day. Honestly even just once or twice a week I would be completely fine with. I don’t need to hear from her every day or need to know what she’s doing all the time but it would be nice to know she’s thinking about me from time to time. I understand she may be busy but a text takes 5 seconds to send. I have been matching her frequency of communication aka not reaching out at all unless making plans.

[boltnrun]

Is it a deal breaker if she won't give you that level of communication?

[itsallgrand]

I think if you are ok with continuing to date someone who is lukewarm, you need to accept that this person probably isn't thinking about you all that often when you are apart. More communication won't change whatever reasons she has for being somewhat indifferent to whether she sees you or not.

I'm not saying that to be mean, nor to make you feel bad. It took me until my late 20s or so to cut to the chase so to speak on who I spent time with dating. It felt fine to waste time puttering around, because I still wanted to do that too.

Honestly once you get to the point where you want to be with someone who is a good match above and beyond wanting to change anyone nor be involved in drama relating to other people's issues, things get so much simpler. Like reinvent said, you won't be buggering around trying to accomadate someone who isn't clearly on the same page as you.

[jackie103]

Is it a deal breaker if she won't give you that level of communication?

 

It’s not a deal breaker if we were to be exclusive because in that case, my insecurities would go away knowing she wants to be with me. Being exclusive changes the dynamic in my mind and my insecurities would disappear. When still dating around, I need that reminder that the person is still into me so I can have the green light to continue putting in the effort and/or pursuing them. It’s fine if she’s busy but I still need to know if there’s interest from her side so I don’t keep trying to pursue her when I should actually be taking the hint to leave her alone.

[IAmFCA]

i think its fair to have that conversation - the desire to identify one person and focus on developing a relationship with that one person... that you see potential for that with the two of you....

[jackie103]

i think its fair to have that conversation - the desire to identify one person and focus on developing a relationship with that one person... that you see potential for that with the two of you....

 

I may try to bring this topic up this weekend. Also because it’s tiring for me juggling multiple people and with us being in a small college town, I am afraid we will run into each other when I’m out with someone else. if she isn’t seeing other people or thinks I’m not seeing other people, I really don’t want anyone’s feelings to get hurt or mess up the potential of a relationship with her.

[IAmFCA]

I may try to bring this topic up this weekend. Also because it’s tiring for me juggling multiple people and with us being in a small college town, I am afraid we will run into each other when I’m out with someone else. if she isn’t seeing other people or thinks I’m not seeing other people, I really don’t want anyone’s feelings to get hurt or mess up the potential of a relationship with her.

 

Absolutely. Its important to explore with each other ideas about dating and relationships and whether either person is interested in an LTR etc. When I have this conversation I need a lot of patience because I find the language we use to be confusing. I have to ask a lot of questions... but it helps build trust when I see that I can speak my voice and still be appreciated.

[jackie103]

Absolutely. Its important to explore with each other ideas about dating and relationships and whether either person is interested in an LTR etc. When I have this conversation I need a lot of patience because I find the language we use to be confusing. I have to ask a lot of questions... but it helps build trust when I see that I can speak my voice and still be appreciated.

 

So how does one bring this topic up? Like I mentioned before, we haven’t really talked about anything serious at this point yet. Do I tell her I’m still dating others? I don’t need a label put on anything but I just want to make sure we are on the same page.

[Batya33]

Ideally, communication every 2 days or every other day. Honestly even just once or twice a week I would be completely fine with. I don’t need to hear from her every day or need to know what she’s doing all the time but it would be nice to know she’s thinking about me from time to time. I understand she may be busy but a text takes 5 seconds to send. I have been matching her frequency of communication aka not reaching out at all unless making plans.

 

No, it doesn't always take 5 seconds especially if you expect it within a certain time frame. Last night after working my behind off and not feeling well I finally got a minute to breathe and prepare a quick dinner for myself. Then my husband texted me twice about our son being in a bad mood and not wanting to go out for dinner and all the minutae. I stopped what I was doing to reply -and it was hard to stop -again, the timing was awful. I implored him to please handle this himself, I needed my time to eat and breathe a little (meaning about 30 minutes). I got another text. Five seconds to reply? No -not if you're going to reply with any substance. And again I stopped making dinner (which also means having to redo steps once you stop, i.e. clean hands after holding your phone) to reply again. It's stressful when timing is an issue. Yes, it's not the same if it doesn't require a response but you want her to respond within a specific time and if it's 5 seconds -you know what that is -a "reassure me by checking in" text - and that's not fair to subject her to that. Yes, sometimes my friends respond promptly with "busy -catch you later" - I appreciate that sure and that is 5 seconds but that's just an "I'm alive, I'm here, can't talk now" I'd be totally fine if they didn't.

 

So be honest and fair -you want her to stop what she's doing to type you messages that shows she cares and is thinking of you and wants to know what you're doing. That takes more than 5 seconds, takes thought, and checking the time of day, etc. I send messages like that constantly when I know something is going on "hope your child feels better" "hope the dentist went well" "hope your flight was ok". That's me, that's the kind of person and friend I am. She is not thinking of you the way you think of her -she's not as into you and even if she were it is not five seconds and on your part it's too needy to want a five second type check in text from someone you recently started dating who might also be dating others.

[Wiseman2]

It seems you're in a double bind a bit. You are not exclusive and dating others, yet you want the communication patterns of an exclusive dating relationship. Why bring something up to her when you need to decide first what you want? A relationship type communication pattern or dating others?

So how does one bring this topic up? Like I mentioned before, we haven’t really talked about anything serious at this point yet. Do I tell her I’m still dating others? I don’t need a label put on anything but I just want to make sure we are on the same page.

[jackie103]

It seems you're in a double bind a bit. You are not exclusive and dating others, yet you want the communication patterns of an exclusive dating relationship. Why bring something up to her when you need to decide first what you want? A relationship type communication pattern or dating others?

 

I only started dating others because I was unsure of where my relationship with her is going and to have that that “abundance” mindset where I’m enjoying my time and exploring dating with other people. But now that I’m doing that, I want to avoid any chances of someone’s feelings to get hurt. I want to be with her but I also don’t want to sit around waiting for someone who isn’t interested when I can be dating someone else.

 

I don’t think what I’m wanting is really communications pattern of an exclusive relationship. I went on one date with someone new this week and they have been reaching out daily and have already asked to see me again, multiple times. And I get that everyone’s different and their schedules are different, but in my experiences, this is normally the type of communications I receive when dating someone.

 

Another reason to try to talk about where my relationship with her is going. I just need to know where she stands, if we are on the same page, and/or if we are both wasting our time.

[IAmFCA]

I only started dating others because I was unsure of where my relationship with her is going and to have that that “abundance” mindset where I’m enjoying my time and exploring dating with other people. But now that I’m doing that, I want to avoid any chances of someone’s feelings to get hurt. I want to be with her but I also don’t want to sit around waiting for someone who isn’t interested when I can be dating someone else.

 

I don’t think what I’m wanting is really communications pattern of an exclusive relationship. I went on one date with someone new this week and they have been reaching out daily and have already asked to see me again, multiple times. And I get that everyone’s different and their schedules are different, but in my experiences, this is normally the type of communications I receive when dating someone.

 

Another reason to try to talk about where my relationship with her is going. I just need to know where she stands, if we are on the same page, and/or if we are both wasting our time.

 

That last paragraph: perfectly on point.

[IAmFCA]

So how does one bring this topic up? Like I mentioned before, we haven’t really talked about anything serious at this point yet. Do I tell her I’m still dating others? I don’t need a label put on anything but I just want to make sure we are on the same page.

 

Have you talked about relationship history? Or life goals? I like tying it to that as context... "I remember you said you haven't been in a serious relationship in some time -- is that on purpose?" There is no getting around the fact that you are raising a delicate topic, and yet, if you can't talk to each other what's the point? If the conversation permits, it can be a good time to talk about what you look for when building a relationship. It is interesting to see if your paths can point in the same direction - house, dog, kids or whatever - and then remember to still experience each other in present terms.

[jackie103]

Have you talked about relationship history? Or life goals? I like tying it to that as context... "I remember you said you haven't been in a serious relationship in some time -- is that on purpose?" There is no getting around the fact that you are raising a delicate topic, and yet, if you can't talk to each other what's the point? If the conversation permits, it can be a good time to talk about what you look for when building a relationship. It is interesting to see if your paths can point in the same direction - house, dog, kids or whatever - and then remember to still experience each other in present terms.

 

We haven’t talked about relationship history. She’s mentioned an ex girlfriend once or twice in conversation but we never went into detail and at that point, it was too early to discuss anyway. She’s also mentioned one guy she hooked up with in college but that was part of a story she was telling me about. I have not brought up any exes or any sexual history.

 

I haven’t been in a serious relationship for about 2 years and this is due to me working on getting over my last relationship and also just not finding someone I felt a connection with.

 

I have asked her about her PhD and what she ultimately wants to do in the future, so we have discussed goals in that sense. We both have dogs and she actually owns her house right now since she will be in town for at least 5 years and her and her parents thought it’d be a good investment, although she mentioned that she might actually have to move in the summer if her advisor gets another job at a different university. I had asked a question that made her tell me that but before she said it, she said she had thought about it and wasn’t sure whether she should bring it up to me or not when she found out.

[IAmFCA]

We haven’t talked about relationship history. She’s mentioned an ex girlfriend once or twice in conversation but we never went into detail and at that point, it was too early to discuss anyway. She’s also mentioned one guy she hooked up with in college but that was part of a story she was telling me about. I have not brought up any exes or any sexual history.

 

I haven’t been in a serious relationship for about 2 years and this is due to me working on getting over my last relationship and also just not finding someone I felt a connection with.

 

I have asked her about her PhD and what she ultimately wants to do in the future, so we have discussed goals in that sense. We both have dogs and she actually owns her house right now since she will be in town for at least 5 years and her and her parents thought it’d be a good investment, although she mentioned that she might actually have to move in the summer if her advisor gets another job at a different university. I had asked a question that made her tell me that but before she said it, she said she had thought about it and wasn’t sure whether she should bring it up to me or not when she found out.

 

That's good stuff -- and she is thinking about her responsibility to you and/or her risk of losing your interest regarding a summer event (and unclear about it).

 

Maybe start with your own mixture of interest and uncertainty -- "I would like to keep developing this; I am a little uncertain of myself at times and wonder if you have a similar interest?"

[jackie103]

That's good stuff -- and she is thinking about her responsibility to you and/or her risk of losing your interest regarding a summer event (and unclear about it).

 

Maybe start with your own mixture of interest and uncertainty -- "I would like to keep developing this; I am a little uncertain of myself at times and wonder if you have a similar interest?"

 

I will try this, thank you for the advice.

 

I’m also in a bit of a pickle for another situation. I was going to give her options this weekend: dinner and movie or dinner and a wine night get together at a coworkers place that they have monthly. She’s met some of my other friends but not my coworkers, solely because I haven’t told them that I’m dating another female because I like to keep my work friends from knowing that information from me, just for a professional sense of things.

 

These wine nights are always really fun and we play a bunch of games so I think it’d be really fun if I brought her, but I know people are going to ask how we know each other, etc etc and I don’t want to make it seem like I’m hiding her from people but I also don’t want to ask her to lie. Is there any good way around this or should I just not even bother bringing her?

[boltnrun]

Why would you need to ask her to lie?

 

There are a lot of people at my workplace who date or are in relationships with people of their same gender. No one, and I mean NO ONE, cares.

 

If you are going to ask her to lie for some reason, please for the love of God do not bring her!

[jackie103]

Why would you need to ask her to lie?

 

There are a lot of people at my workplace who date or are in relationships with people of their same gender. No one, and I mean NO ONE, cares.

 

If you are going to ask her to lie for some reason, please for the love of God do not bring her!

 

Like I said, I do not want her to lie! I just don’t know how I would bring up the fact to her that my coworkers do not know.

[boltnrun]

Like I said, I do not want her to lie! I just don’t know how I would bring up the fact to her that my coworkers do not know.

 

What do you mean? Are you planning to ask her to pretend you two are "just friends"?

 

That is asking her to conceal. Technically I guess you could tell yourself you're not asking her to lie, but you really would be.

 

Is your workplace hostile toward same-gender couples?

[Wiseman2]

Pick other date options. Don't put yourself or her in an awkward position. If she is "just a friend" fine, but why parade around as "just friends" when that is not the case and requires an explanation? Why not reflect on what you are and are not comfortable with or ready for and proceed accordingly. Why seek drama with people you are so unsure of in the first place?

or dinner and a wine night get together at a coworkers place that they have monthly. I haven’t told them that I’m dating another female because I like to keep my work friends from knowing that information from me, just for a professional sense of things.

[jackie103]

Pick other date options. Don't put yourself or her in an awkward position. If she is "just a friend" fine, but why parade around as "just friends" when that is not the case and requires an explanation? Why not reflect on what you are and are not comfortable with or ready for and proceed accordingly. Why seek drama with people you are so unsure of in the first place?

 

You’re right. I knew it was a bad idea, just wanted confirmation

[jackie103]

What do you mean? Are you planning to ask her to pretend you two are "just friends"?

 

That is asking her to conceal. Technically I guess you could tell yourself you're not asking her to lie, but you really would be.

 

Is your workplace hostile toward same-gender couples?

 

This is true, concealing is still like lying. Most of the people at these wine nights I think would be very okay with same gender couples but I’m afraid that this information will get out to the rest of the people at work, who are older people, and don’t accept as well.

 

I work in a manufacturing plant where there are mechanics/electricians who are typically hostile toward same sex relationships and I rely on a lot of them to do work for me

[boltnrun]

So you could potentially be exposing her to people who are insensitive toward gays.

 

I've run into that (I have a gay adult child) and after they're done with their "jokes" or commentary on their opinion toward gays, I announce " is gay!" I kind of enjoy watching them hem and haw.

 

BUT...I don't recommend you go that route.

 

You are making the right decision not to take her. Not only would you be asking her to conceal your true relationship, but you'd be letting her know you're willing to knowingly expose her to people who might be insensitive or prejudiced against gays. That would be super uncool. And not a good precursor to a "Can we be exclusive?" talk.