Valentine’s Day with someone you’re not exclusive with?

[jackie103]

OP looking at your post again: "this is why she confuses me" -- it sounds to me like you are confusing yourself. You ask, she accepts with enthusiasm, the date actually happens; i.e., she is available when she says she will be available. Isn't that how it is supposed to work?

 

I have lost track of what you are expecting but not getting. How many times have you asked her out? How many times has she asked you?

 

I just feel like she doesn’t show her interest in me that much and that I’m always the one having to initiate the want in seeing her.

 

I think in total, she has actually asked/initiated wanting to see me 3 times. 1 out of 3 I couldn’t go and the other one she cancelled due to work and I suggested something else. We’ve seen each other 7 times so I guess all in all, we are pretty even. I know this is all in my head, it’s just hard for me to not overthink things when there is no communication for a week. I would feel more secure with just one instance of communication per week. I don’t think that’s being needy at this stage

[IAmFCA]

I just feel like she doesn’t show her interest in me that much and that I’m always the one having to initiate the want in seeing her.

 

I think in total, she has actually asked/initiated wanting to see me 3 times. 1 out of 3 I couldn’t go and the other one she cancelled due to work and I suggested something else. We’ve seen each other 7 times so I guess all in all, we are pretty even. I know this is all in my head, it’s just hard for me to not overthink things when there is no communication for a week. I would feel more secure with just one instance of communication per week. I don’t think that’s being needy at this stage

 

Everyone is different.

 

If you expect acceptance, you will draw it towards you.

[Wiseman2]

If you feel the need to keep score as far as initiating contact, who asks whom out, who plans what, then you're not happy.

[Batya33]

I think she is keeping score because she senses that this woman is not as interested in her as she is. Chicken-egg. If she was feeling comfortable with how the woman interacts with her she likely wouldn't notice who was doing more of the asking out. I do think this might be a logistical issue of her just not having the time to text. For example, twice now a friend of mine who I like quite a bit didn't respect my boundaries with calling/texting - specifically when I am at work (nearly impossible and I am only in the office a few times a week at most). I was clear about the boundary, gave in to the "just take a minute" and then showed her that even during that minute I had to call her back and was interrupted. I almost never text my husband while he is at work so that's another example -I don't hear from him during a work day and I don't worry. So maybe talk with her about what she prefers as far as keeping in contact?

[IAmFCA]

Wiseman and Batya The OP may simply have been answering my question. I wanted to see if there was parity in terms of initiating activities. It sounds like there is.

 

OP may be thinking his way out of this as a way to protect himself from the rejection he presumes will happen later.

[Batya33]

Wiseman and Batya The OP may simply have been answering my question. I wanted to see if there was parity in terms of initiating activities. It sounds like there is.

 

OP may be thinking his way out of this as a way to protect himself from the rejection he presumes will happen later.

 

I think there is more to it -might be parity in numbers not in the quality of the interactions. OP - in the 3 years plus that my husband and I dated before getting engaged and married I worried/felt insecure for approximately 6-8 hours on one day when he wasn't in touch, I thought he was going to be, and I started overthinking. When I met up with him that night turned out he had more meetings than he thought so he couldn't contact (he had a cell, I did not, would have been calling or email only). But that's all. Have I ever worried otherwise -sure -at times -we all do -but where it made me question everything -no. And only that one time based on being out of touch with me.

[jackie103]

I think I am definitely insecure and always trying preparing myself for rejection. I’ve never dated anyone who hasn’t at least texted or checked in a couple times throughout the week, but like what IAmFCA said, everyone is different and I understand that.

[IAmFCA]

I think I am definitely insecure and always trying preparing myself for rejection. I’ve never dated anyone who hasn’t at least texted or checked in a couple times throughout the week, but like what IAmFCA said, everyone is different and I understand that.

 

Good. Use the time in between dates to enhance your life in whatever way is most valuable to you. Sometimes we (unknowingly perhaps) use people to distract us from ourselves. Instead, dig in, make yourself excited to be you.

 

She is doing you a favor by having this boundary (as it seems) during the week. Your opportunity is to use it to your advantage.

[bluecastle]

She is doing you a favor by having this boundary (as it seems) during the week. Your opportunity is to use it to your advantage.

 

I agree with this, regardless of where this relationship goes.

 

OP, for whatever it's worth: I have been in romances, and sought romances, where there's all sorts of texting, all that fluttery stuff fast and early. Little pokes through the day, photos, and so on. It's comforting! It's fun! It's consuming! You kind of feel like someone is obsessed with you, and you feel the high of being obsessed back.

 

And behind all that there can be genuine emotion, of course. Don't want to negate that. But I also think there are other things at play—namely, insecurity. Mutual insecurity being excavated and coddled under the guise of affection and connection. You are both, in ways, serving as distractions from your selves. You are using the other person to remind yourself that you exist, are valued, and so forth. It gets addictive.

 

This is why you see a lot of people—in life, on forums like this—talking about how everything was once so good and sparkly and then it got kind of boring. How what was once "fun" is now "maintenance." How rather than sending 100 texts a day they kind of want an hour to themselves, maybe even a day or two. The drug looses its potency, and while there is the "security" of being in a defined thing there is also the sense of having lost your focus on yourself.

 

And since the distraction isn't as powerful, you see yourself in a blur, which triggers a deeper kind of insecurity than: Does she like like me? Does she want want me? No, I'm talking about the kingpin: Who am I? Hence you see a lot of people, of all ages, breaking up so they can "find themselves" again. Suddenly sober, they are a bit lost.

 

I've found my most successful relationships have come either when I'm already in a place of security—when I know, to some degree, who I am so I don't need another to tell me—or when I match with someone who is maybe in a slightly more secure place than I am. Because you are forced to level up, instead of down, if you can lean into it the right way. And regardless of where it goes, you still got to level up, which affirms that deeper security than, say, a wall of heart emojis.

 

For instance, I am seeing someone now. It's new, 6 weeks or so, still very much taking shape. We are both very busy, though she is busier. She has a career, a child, and so on. I have a career, a cat, a mind that likes to wander and roam. There is less of the fluttery stuff in the gaps between seeing each other—stuff that, in the past, I've been good at getting, perhaps because it tempers some of my own mental wandering. Was in a very fluttery thing not long before meeting her, so I was still very much a sucker for that drug.

 

Well, someone with a child (perhaps like someone—cough, cough—teaching and working on a PhD) doesn't have the same need for that drug. They're getting high elsewhere, in healthy ways, and bless them for it. Reminds you to do the same, and to get high on each other when the timing works. In my case, I very quickly found I not only liked—but really needed—the time in between to stay focused on myself. This is still so new—like, I have no idea where it will go—but it's already leveled me up, aside from providing some great buzzy stuff when we're together.

 

Everyone is different, of course, and require different things to feel secure. But you've already described yourself as insecure, so rather than looking at her as an answer to that look at her as someone who, aside from enjoying your company, is providing a chance to become more secure on your own, alongside someone, rather than because of someone.

 

If you can shift your focus—just a nudge—you may find that you are already getting more than enough to keep exploring where it's all going.

[ThatwasThen]

It's comforting! It's fun! It's consuming! You kind of feel like someone is obsessed with you, and you feel the high of being obsessed back.

That doesn't mean you should surrender to it or change your comfort level to remain in it. Which of course what adjusting your own level of acceptance, to another's level of interest, is doing. Doing that rarely works for any length of time and just means a harder recovery when the chit finally hits the fan.

[IAmFCA]

bluecastle, i am dating you, apparently. lol

 

A brilliant post. I can't rep you atm but kudos.

[jackie103]

 

If you can shift your focus—just a nudge—you may find that you are already getting more than enough to keep exploring where it's all going.

 

Thank you for your detailed response, you provided a lot of good insight and I appreciate it. Everything you mentioned makes sense and my insecurity is definitely something that I have been trying to work on.

 

My insecurities are coming out because this relationship is different from what I’ve experienced and in fact my last serious relationship, we spent TOO much time together. So I do think this current relationship is good for me I just have to stop letting my head get to me.

[ThatwasThen]

Thank you for your detailed response, you provided a lot of good insight and I appreciate it. Everything you mentioned makes sense and my insecurity is definitely something that I have been trying to work on.

 

My insecurities are coming out because this relationship is different from what I’ve experienced and in fact my last serious relationship, we spent TOO much time together. So I do think this current relationship is good for me I just have to stop letting my head get to me.

 

Oh boy... Here is something to think about that doesn't give you an easy way out to accept being in what you're in:

 

Please don't settle for something that you are not feeling safe and secure in. You will be shredded if things don't turn out to be the relationship you hope it turns out to be because by your postings it is clear that you are unable to match her level of interest, better yet, her indifference.

 

Serial monogamy (quick or short term romantic relating does not appear to be something you are able to navigate and keep your emotional health and self-worth.

[IAmFCA]

Thank you for your detailed response, you provided a lot of good insight and I appreciate it. Everything you mentioned makes sense and my insecurity is definitely something that I have been trying to work on.

 

My insecurities are coming out because this relationship is different from what I’ve experienced and in fact my last serious relationship, we spent TOO much time together. So I do think this current relationship is good for me I just have to stop letting my head get to me.

 

A vacuum is quickly filled so it is the same with thoughts. Therefore, when you say "I have to stop letting my head..." replace that thought with "I have to start focusing on ____ "

 

Anytime you hear yourself talking down to yourself, be your own best friend and stick up for yourself. Its takes practice, and becomes a constant habit. Always talk kindly about yourself to yourself.

[ThatwasThen]

I repeat in case you missed it amongst the things you most want to hear but may not be in your best interests as a person who is not used to being in such a 'romantic' situation.

 

That doesn't mean you should surrender to it or change your comfort level to remain in it. Which of course what adjusting your own level of acceptance, to another's level of interest, is doing. Doing that rarely works for any length of time and just means a harder recovery when the chit finally hits the fan.

[bluecastle]

bluecastle, i am dating you, apparently. lol

 

Blush emoji.

 

From some of your posts similar thoughts have crossed my mind.

 

Which is to say: Happy Valentines to you and yours. Enjoy the high. It's pretty sweet with toes still on the ground, isn't it?

[ThatwasThen]

"I've found my most successful relationship(S)"

What ever happened to finding one relationship with a LIFEmate? Someone who you know loves and values you and shows it in consistent actions that they are on the same page? I wonder???

[IAmFCA]

Blush emoji.

 

From some of your posts similar thoughts have crossed my mind.

 

Which is to say: Happy Valentines to you and yours. Enjoy the high. It's pretty sweet with toes still on the ground, isn't it?

 

Indeed! Happy Valentine's Day to you and yours as well. :× :)

[IAmFCA]

What ever happened to finding one relationship with a LIFEmate? Someone who you know loves and values you and shows it in consistent actions that they are on the same page? I wonder???

 

?

 

I mean, very few of us find one life mate right out of the chute? I would agree with blue, that our sense of security (or lack thereof) is highly relevant when forming a match. And I would agree with you, great to find one person with whom I have shared values etc. I am hopeful I have found that, now. Both of us divorced, regrettably, and both of us highly cognizant of our security and how it contributes to our shared stability.

 

I think both of your posts can coexist.

[bluecastle]

What ever happened to finding one relationship with a LIFEmate? Someone who you know loves and values you and shows it in consistent actions that they are on the same page? I wonder???

 

I admit this question confuses me. Maybe you can help me understand what you're saying after I ramble for a moment.

 

I can only speak for myself, but when I talk about "my most successful relationships" I'm not talking about relationships that I considered disposable at the time or that I consider "failures" for not sill happening.

 

I didn't (and don't) commit to expiration date, but to an ellipses—one I hope will extend and expand and extend and expand in ways that thrill me and make me feel safe and seen. But, alas, life. It refuses to not happen, and it changes things: people, feelings, and so on, and in those winds sometimes relationships capsize. Sometimes they need to capsize more than they need to be stitched together with duct tape.

 

At 39, I have largely given up on the idea of a LIFEmate. By which I don't mean I'm cynical and will measure the rest of my life in hot Bumble flings and whiskey shots. Hardly. I'd love to find someone to share space with on that grandest of stages. But I refuse to think of the mates that have gotten me to this place as anything less than extraordinary chapters—a multi-colored quilt of shared experience, growth, chemistry, acceptance, learning. And if more of that turns out to be my lot in life—bring it.

 

Because what's my other option? To look in the mirror and see a failure for not marrying my high school girlfriend or the woman I loved from 23-26? No thanks. I toyed with that guilt in my late 20s and it really wasn't a cute look. I got bored of identifying as "broken" because I didn't do "the thing" that you were supposed to do on the timeline that you were supposed to do it.

 

Freed from that guilt, and the pressure, I've had some of the deepest connections. At the end of the day, for me, I need to be inspired above all else. I will commit to someone in the search for inspiration—and, yes, if need be, I will leave them and be left by them.

[ThatwasThen]

My whole point is that if the Op (or you or any other poster) is not feeling safe in a relationship then why wait and see and suffer through while you try to change your mindset about how you (the general you) are not feeling valued JUST to see how things transpire.

 

Stepping back from someone and trying to match their lack of enthusiasm to be with you is a waste of this Op (and IMO) anyone else's time and emotional well being. They are not a couple who have only been on a date or two.

 

Perhaps your interpretation and my interpretation of what constitutes a "successful" relationship are two different things. To me, and all of the people that I know who are in successful relationships have the same interpretation, a successful relationship is one where neither of you have to step back and see. You know and you either continue on seeing where it goes because its clear that you are valued and you are shown, through tangible actions that who you are seeing really wants you in their life and are showing that they want to get to know you more. So, with that in mind, perhaps you can see why I think changing your mind frame to accomodate someone who is not jonesing to be with you is futile.

 

You are entitled to view your 'successes' as "successes" I'm not here to tell you what was or what is in your mind a success. I'm here to advise someone who clearly is not secure or feeling valued in this "thing" he/she has with this woman, to not shuffle that gut feeling aside in hopes that she'll come around to being on the same page as he (or she) is. If she's not there yet, then the chances a slim that she ever will be.

 

*Edited to "he/she" ;)

[boltnrun]

I believe this is a same gender relationship. Is that correct, Jackie?

 

Anyway, the dynamic you have hasn't changed and most likely won't anytime soon. Can you accept it?

[Batya33]

My whole point is that if the Op (or you or any other poster) is not feeling safe in a relationship then why wait and see and suffer through while you try to change your mindset about how you (the general you) are not feeling valued JUST to see how things transpire.

 

Stepping back from someone and trying to match their lack of enthusiasm to be with you is a waste of this Op (and IMO) anyone else's time and emotional well being. They are not a couple who have only been on a date or two.

 

Perhaps your interpretation and my interpretation of what constitutes a "successful" relationship are two different things. To me, and all of the people that I know who are in successful relationships have the same interpretation, a successful relationship is one where neither of you have to step back and see. You know and you either continue on seeing where it goes because its clear that you are valued and you are shown, through tangible actions that who you are seeing really wants you in their life and are showing that they want to get to know you more. So, with that in mind, perhaps you can see why I think changing your mind frame to accomodate someone who is not jonesing to be with you is futile.

 

You are entitled to view your 'successes' as "successes" I'm not here to tell you what was or what is in your mind a success. I'm here to advise someone who clearly is not secure or feeling valued in this "thing" he/she has with this woman, to not shuffle that gut feeling aside in hopes that she'll come around to being on the same page as he (or she) is. If she's not there yet, then the chances a slim that she ever will be.

 

*Edited to "he/she" ;)

 

Yes and sigh I wish someone had written this out for me when I was twisting myself in a pretzel to be ok with lukewarm interest from someone. Yes, in the very beginning it might not be a perfect match of interest - I've experienced and seen where one pursues more, one is more besotted, or besotted earlier, but it's early on plus the one who is not as besotted stays the course - doesn't retreat too much, etc and the besotted one has the presence of mind to give the other person space to get to know him/her.

 

I had started dating someone when my future husband reappeared on the scene and we saw each other a few times platonically. the guy I was dating -great guy on paper and yes a very good person. But I could not handle his insecurities which reared their ugly head after about the second date - he made comments about whether I was seeing anyone else (really annoying, immature comments), he tried to make me jealous, commented on the business cards in my purse, etc. I decided to be direct with him after three weeks of dating -that it was a turn off, etc. He apologized, said he saw a therapist for those kinds of issues, promised to change. He did for about a week then back to the nonsense. Yes I was attracted to him, yes I liked and admired him and the insecure actions/reactions were dealbreakers. Yes, i also was falling for my future husband (although we hadn't talked about being any more than platonic friends who'd reconnected) but I really did like this person. And I ended it mostly because of his insecurities that he subjected me to. Just keep that in mind OP.

[jackie103]

I believe this is a same gender relationship. Is that correct, Jackie?

 

Anyway, the dynamic you have hasn't changed and most likely won't anytime soon. Can you accept it?

 

Yes, same gender relationship. I think I am able to accept this dynamic as long as I know for sure that she isn’t “playing” me. At this point we really haven’t discussed anything along the lines of a relationship so I really don’t know what she’s thinking or doing when we are apart. I understand that I have no right or business to even know about that or need her to tell me stuff like that but it just leaves question marks in my mind when I don’t hear from her. I don’t know if she is truly busy or these are just things she’s saying since I have plenty of other friends working on their phds that I see multiple times a week.

 

I am also still dating others but my main interest is with her. Perhaps this is something that I should bring up when I see her this weekend. I will need to play this by ear but overall, I think my insecurities do get the best of me at times.

[boltnrun]

What leads you to believe she may be "playing" you? The lack of consistent contact? Because that may just be how she is. I don't contact friends for WEEKS sometimes. Even my own kids only hear from me a few times a month and they are my life.

 

Do you NEED that between-date contact? Because if so, she may not be the right one for you.