jackie103 Posted February 15, 2019 Author Share Posted February 15, 2019 So you could potentially be exposing her to people who are insensitive toward gays. I've run into that (I have a gay adult child) and after they're done with their "jokes" or commentary on their opinion toward gays, I announce " is gay!" I kind of enjoy watching them hem and haw. BUT...I don't recommend you go that route. You are making the right decision not to take her. Not only would you be asking her to conceal your true relationship, but you'd be letting her know you're willing to knowingly expose her to people who might be insensitive or prejudiced against gays. That would be super uncool. And not a good precursor to a "Can we be exclusive?" talk. Hahah I like that. And everyone at the wine night is young (in our 20s) and I know they definitely would not have a problem with it or be hostile. I just don’t want my coworkers to bring it up AT work because then I would be exposing myself to people who are prejudiced and insensitive. People talk so although I’m good friends with these coworkers, there is still chances of it slipping out to people like my manager which I would prefer not to know. I like to keep personal and professional life separate. It’s hard though when you are friends with coworkers of the same age and such. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 So, instead of asking your date to conceal, why not ask the coworkers to keep it quiet? Just tell them you prefer that others at work don't have inside knowledge about your personal life. Link to comment
jackie103 Posted February 15, 2019 Author Share Posted February 15, 2019 So, instead of asking your date to conceal, why not ask the coworkers to keep it quiet? Just tell them you prefer that others at work don't have inside knowledge about your personal life. I can ask them to keep it quiet but then it’s out of my hands... some of them are buddies with the managers and I’m afraid that will slip out when “the guys” hang out. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 I would not bring her if there is an issue at work as far as your not wanting others to know your sexual orientation. You're already feeling unsure about things so this will make it too stressful IMO. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 I can ask them to keep it quiet but then it’s out of my hands... some of them are buddies with the managers and I’m afraid that will slip out when “the guys” hang out. Then don't take that chance. You can explain to her that your workplace isn't gay-friendly and you care too much about her to potentially expose her to people who might say something insensitive or unintentionally make things uncomfortable for you at work. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 [taking a second to whine that its such @%$@% that you have to think about this) Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 [taking a second to whine that its such @%$@% that you have to think about this) But you know it can come up with hetero relationships too when the person is not ready to have her workplace know she is in a relationship - so many reasons (like if the person works at the same place, etc)- definitely this situation is more sensitive but professional/personal lines are hard to draw in many situations. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 But you know it can come up with hetero relationships too when the person is not ready to have her workplace know she is in a relationship - so many reasons (like if the person works at the same place, etc)- definitely this situation is more sensitive but professional/personal lines are hard to draw in many situations. That's true, Batya. Link to comment
jackie103 Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 [taking a second to whine that its such @%$@% that you have to think about this) Yeah it really sucks unfortunately Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 Where has this post gone? Haha I’m confused. Will just say I agree with TWT 100% and must say I’m surprised people are still being advised/pushed to keep pursuing one sided situations given the failure rate lately... sometimes your gut/intuition whatever is acting up because it’s trying to tell you something isn’t right and while insecurities past trauma can bend our compass. I think it’s safe to say statistically speaking, most people who recognize they’re more invested than the other are right and should take steps to guard their heart not open it up more... Link to comment
jackie103 Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 Where has this post gone? Haha I’m confused. Will just say I agree with TWT 100% and must say I’m surprised people are still being advised/pushed to keep pursuing one sided situations given the failure rate lately... sometimes your gut/intuition whatever is acting up because it’s trying to tell you something isn’t right and while insecurities past trauma can bend our compass. I think it’s safe to say statistically speaking, most people who recognize they’re more invested than the other are right and should take steps to guard their heart not open it up more... I do agree with you. Perhaps my situation is different (most likely not) but I’ll see how things go tonight. I still haven’t decided if I’m going to bring up the relationship talk yet... it will be a spur of a moment decision based on how the night goes. Link to comment
jackie103 Posted February 17, 2019 Author Share Posted February 17, 2019 So we did have a bit of a DTR last night. She brought it up... basically she said that there’s a really high chance she is probably moving in the summer. Then she said how she doesn’t do casual relationships and asked me about my thoughts. I told her I didn’t really do them either but I was confused about what we were. So at the end of that conversation, we were basically at “this is not a casual relationship but we’re also not dating”. She also mentioned how everything was just bad timing and she doesn’t want to do long distance because it’s hard and I agreed with her. She said she liked hanging out with me but didn’t know if it would makes things worse if we continued hanging out. I told her that I enjoyed spending time with her and would like to keep seeing her. I really wasn’t sure whether I should have brought up the fact that I was seeing someone else or not because I was just kind of confused at the moment and couldn’t really gather my thoughts properly. So now I’m at a place where I don’t know if it is still ok for me to be seeing others and I don’t know if I should bring this up again next time I see her Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 To me there is no confusion here. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you (whether logistics/emotion, some combo -that's all ego stuff and otherwise not relevant). She doesn't see serious potential. Proceed with caution. She doesn't want to date you either in any regular way. If you hang out with her you will get more and more attached. Please do not discuss your other dates with her -that is tacky IMO. Of course you two can see whoever you want -you're not dating, you don't intend to see each other after she moves. I wouldn't see her anymore if I were you since you're very into her. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 She also mentioned how everything was just bad timing and she doesn’t want to do long distance because it’s hard and I agreed with her. Congratulations... you're now FWB's officially. Keep your heart off your sleeve and your wits about you. Zero expectations and don't give up other options. There is nothing to be confused about. It is what it is and now you know that this thing you have with her has a shelf life. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 I don't think they have a sexual arrangement - her friend expressed concerns about continuing to hang out. The only confusion is why the OP would be confused or think she had to share information about who she might be dating with this person. The other reason I wouldn't hang out with her is she very well might meet someone who she thinks she can invest the efforts of long distance in and that would hurt you more than it would if you cut the cord now. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 If they aren't having sex then they are just friends with a shelf life in which case. Keep your heart off your sleeve, Op... no expectations, keep your options open. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 If they aren't having sex then they are just friends with a shelf life in which case. Keep your heart off your sleeve, Op... no expectations, keep your options open. This ^ I seriously dont get how this post went 10 pages. The writing has always been on the wall. The fact that she is saying "I don't do casual, lets be casual" and you allowed her to keep talking even though you say you dont do casual is confusing me. Stand by your boundaries, right now you are presenting yourself as soeone who truly has none although you say you do, the truth is if you did, you'd be done, there would be no confusion. STay friends whatever, but romantically this is a non starter based on your boundaries. Link to comment
jackie103 Posted February 17, 2019 Author Share Posted February 17, 2019 Right she clearly doesn’t see serious potential because she will probably need to move. We later on we’re talking about her new town she would be living in and she asked if we could put a pin in what we talked about earlier because her last relationship ended badly due to her ex moving away. They ended up crossing paths and hooking up but that didn’t end well so she said we should re-evaluate our decision. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 Right she clearly doesn’t see serious potential because she will probably need to move. False. She doesn't see potential because she never did. Her moving is an excuse and you're eating it up like a hungry dog. She has never shown you to be invested in this, you projected your feelings onto her, her level of interest never rose to yours, now shes letting you down easy because she does care about you, but you have to see the line being drawn in the sand, this is a non starter, she doesn't feel for you what you feel for her. At best you are being set up as a FWB, hook up, if youre ok with this arrangement thats ok, if you arent you need to walk away. We later on we’re talking about her new town she would be living in and she asked if we could put a pin in what we talked about earlier because her last relationship ended badly due to her ex moving away. They ended up crossing paths and hooking up but that didn’t end well so she said we should re-evaluate our decision. Wait so shes still involved with an ex while seeing you? Link to comment
jackie103 Posted February 17, 2019 Author Share Posted February 17, 2019 Wait so shes still involved with an ex while seeing you? I dont know when this “crossing of paths” occurred and I didn’t ask. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 I agree with FIO. It’s an excuse. Did she just now decide to move ? She senses you’re more into her and she’s let this go on too long so she’s taking her graceful exit. You do the same. Link to comment
jackie103 Posted February 17, 2019 Author Share Posted February 17, 2019 I agree with FIO. It’s an excuse. Did she just now decide to move ? She senses you’re more into her and she’s let this go on too long so she’s taking her graceful exit. You do the same. No she has known for a while. She doesn’t have a choice, her PI is looking at other jobs at other universities and her whole lab needs to follow. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 I am not guessing at her level of interest; I don't think we have enough information to know whether excuse/practical etc. I do think there is no future here based on current facts, because neither of you is open to one. Therefore, I suggest you move your attention to other interests (social and otherwise) because she is a distraction from your path. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 No she has known for a while. She doesn’t have a choice, her PI is looking at other jobs at other universities and her whole lab needs to follow. I get that but if she knew for awhile did she suddenly decide she did not want long distance? Link to comment
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