Should I Stay or Should I Go?

[boltnrun]

I think the fact that she hasn't reached out to him yet she's still holding onto "maybe" with him is concerning, not comforting. I mean, she's willing to possibly lose you over a "maybe"?

[Annia]

If someone who's dating you flat out says these things about an ex (knowing that this would make most self respecting men back off), it's because they're not that into you and building a relationship with you. You seem to be her backup plan/rebound. I wouldn't be hanging around. She's not ready to date and you shouldn't accept being her place holder while she tries to get her way back to her ex, ups, figure things out.

 

Also psycho jargon like "intimacy issues/commitment issues/fear of commitnent" etc, seems more like you trying to justify staying around waiting around, some sort of denial that she's not over her ex and not that into you. And even if the psycho jargon was true, why would you waste your time trying to build a relationship with someone who has those issues? Stay around and you'll see that as soon as there's a chance, her "intimacy issues/fear of commitment" will go out the door as soon as the ex comes into the picture again. Not meaning to be harsh, I know this hurts.

[figureitout23]

It's definitely worse. Showmances usually blow up in flames for exactly that reason. Thanks for this. I think it's a pretty level-headed perspective on things. I don't really care about all the "where's your self-respect? man up" toxicity. I've got self-respect, and I also legitimately care about this person so I'm ok with giving it a little bit of a short timeline here to see what happens. If it stays ambiguous past that point I'll bow out. Seem reasonable?

 

BRAVO to you for the bold.

 

There can be a whole lot of misogyny, backwards thinking and double standards peddled on this board and you just gained like a bazillion bonus points from me for not falling into it. It IS toxic and the truth is if a woman came here with this exact same story she would be told to relax and don’t push him away because men take a long time to settle and decide, apparently women don’t do the same...

 

Look the truth is to me after two months no you shouldn’t be planning a wedding but most know whether or not they are interested in pursuing a serious relationship or not. She seems to be at that cross road. I say good for the both of you for communicating the elephant in the room.

 

BUT to call a spade a spade an ex is an ex is an ex. They broke up so there should be no ‘regret’ when it comes to ‘making sure there’s nothing there’ they already had that opportunity and tried and failed so I do think there’s a huge risk here that she is very much stuck in wanting him back.

 

Whatever you decide, you’ll be ok, you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, good luck to you!

[cwsreddy]

Update:

 

She sent me a really long, detailed message spilling her guts. Basically, when she saw her ex at the beginning of Dec she didn't see me coming a million miles away, so the idea of giving it another shot with him seemed completely reasonable. Like, why not? She had no idea she'd get so caught up and excited about someone so quickly afterwards.

 

She's never really been able to completely let go of her ex because he was the first guy she ever loved, but she's sick of it, logically understands that she's being (in her words) a "complete idiot", and wants to get past it because she sees a real future between the two of us. But she also knows that won't happen overnight and knows that it isn't fair to me. She's scared because when she loves she falls and loves hard, and it (clearly) takes her a really long time to climb back out, and usually people walk away at the first sign of complication so she's got pretty high walls. She said she knows she could easily get there with me - which is something that excites and scares her. She hasn't felt that way about someone in a very, very long time, and that the fact that I'm not immediately running blows her mind.

 

--

 

I know the popular answer is still the same: "when you figure it out let me know" and keep living my life. But again, I don't have a problem giving it some time and space and letting her work through it. We've literally been dating for 6 weeks or so and only have known each other for 8. I mean. Easing off the gas and taking off the pressure to define things doesn't seem unreasonable. We both have ptsd from doing shows and having everything go zero to 100 in a split second, so it's probably about time we slow things down to a normal human pace. And to be completely ing honest, I'm 32, absolutely hate dating, and right now I've found a person who likes me, I like her, and we click on every flippin' level. If I give it some time and it doesn't go the right way, am I really any worse off? If I bounce right now then I'll be the one wondering what if I'd hung on and given her a chance to figure out.

 

Really appreciate all of the feedback, regardless of perspective. It's been really helpful for me to sort through everything in my mind. THANKS!

[figureitout23]

Yes put on the breaks on and keep your feet on the ground.

 

The harsh reality of this situation is she isn’t ‘dating material’ right now.

 

By that I mean she’s got some baggage to work through. Look in our thirties you’re gonna be hard pressed to find someone without some sort of baggage it’s all about finding someone who’s managing it. Her heads barely above water and sunshine lolly pops and the honey moon period ain’t gonna pull her out of the water, she needs to do the work to get herself back on solid ground.

 

There’s nothing wrong with you waiting. Being her friend taking it slow, just recognize where she is. She respects you enough to tell you hey man this is going to be a roller coaster listen to her, Preserve what potential you have and don’t jump in and ruin things just to have somebody

[cwsreddy]

Yes put on the breaks on and keep your feet on the ground.

 

The harsh reality of this situation is she isn’t ‘dating material’ right now.

 

By that I mean she’s got some baggage to work through. Look in our thirties you’re gonna be hard pressed to find someone without some sort of baggage it’s all about finding someone who’s managing it. Her heads barely above water and sunshine lolly pops and the honey moon period ain’t gonna pull her out of the water, she needs to do the work to get herself back on solid ground.

 

There’s nothing wrong with you waiting. Being her friend taking it slow, just recognize where she is. She respects you enough to tell you hey man this is going to be a roller coaster listen to her, Preserve what potential you have and don’t jump in and ruin things just to have somebody

 

I think this is 100% right on all fronts.

[reinventmyself]

What I just read is `it's no you, it's me' soft let down. That's about the nicest way to let someone down. It's so nice in fact you can read it couple different way and get lost trying to decode it.

I don't think there is anything for you to do at this point, but to move on.

I say it over and over again, if they cared enough they wouldn't risk losing you to begin with.

Unless otherwise informed, I'd move on.

[IAmFCA]

When you don't have to give an answer, then don't. Her ability to be invested in you, to be reliable, to be attentive is mercurial at best. She may find herself unstable if he shows up and leaves again. She may find herself confused when she can't discern what is best for her. I suspect she is used to being chosen, and I wonder if she has enough conviction about her own path in order to responsibly make a choice.

 

Back up and give yourself permission to learn about her, to let her be, to engage with her slowly. Consider that you may end up not wanting her for yourself, after all.

 

You have framed your thinking as if you have made a choice. But you haven't. Its only that you stumbled across someone whom you MIGHT choose. As rare as that is, her inability to be self confident in this moment suggests either she, or now, is not the answer.

[cwsreddy]

Just as a data point for folks who read things in the most negative way possible, got this message from her tonight:

 

"Hey you

Hope you had a nice day, and are paying attention in class 🤔

 

A couple things:

 

1: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking today

 

2: I have resolved one of my ‘other issues’ (let’s be honest, humans have more than one issue)

 

3: I’m not looking at england anymore [this is where her ex lives]

 

4: I’m so sorry I ever made you feel like a backup

 

5: I can’t f***ing wait to see you again

 

6: 😘

 

That’s all ❤️"

 

Obviously, I'm not going to completely let my guard down, and things like this can sometimes end up being more complicated than we want it to be, but she's clearly making an effort.

[IAmFCA]

Oh! Well, this message changes things. I now think she is, in effect, thinking out loud and therefore you are watching her go through her process. I think she is genuine (always did), I still recommend advancing in small increments, and I still recommend giving yourself room to observe and learn before feeling as if you've made a choice.

 

Let trust build first before investment. Let trust build. Time and adversity are instrumental. Find out whether you have similar habits of living according to your values - whether you similar levels of integrity. You guess at it now, of course. Time will tell.

[cwsreddy]

Oh! Well, this message changes things. I now think she is, in effect, thinking out loud and therefore you are watching her go through her process. I think she is genuine (always did), I still recommend advancing in small increments, and I still recommend giving yourself room to observe and learn before feeling as if you've made a choice.

 

Let trust build first before investment. Let trust build. Time and adversity are instrumental. Find out whether you have similar habits of living according to your values - whether you similar levels of integrity. You guess at it now, of course. Time will tell.

 

I agree - good news is no reason to abandon a pretty good plan of taking things slow and feeling each other out/getting to know each other/not pushing things/letting everything develop (or not) naturally. But yes, the fact that she's been so upfront, so transparent, and so communicative about all of this scores her some pretty big points in my book. If people can communicate well that's like 90% of the battle haha.

 

Thanks again, y'all.

[Wiseman2]

Ok it sounds like she wants an open kind of thing. When she's in her locale she'll be with her "ex" bf and when she's in your locale/with you she'll be with you. Both of you may be none the wiser, but a LDR of on-site intensity may be the way it goes in your industry. Lots of intense local lovers and the situation back home. Maybe they need a word for that. Work-wife/husband-with-benefits?

Basically, when she saw her ex at the beginning of Dec she didn't see me coming a million miles away, so the idea of giving it another shot with him seemed completely reasonable. She's never really been able to completely let go of her ex because he was the first guy she ever loved

[catfeeder]

I just know myself well enough to know that I'd always have doubts about her if I stayed in the mix and influenced the outcome. I'd remove any complexity from myself by just being honest with her. "I adore you, and I can picture the two of us happy together in the future. That's why I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. You get to work out your old ghosts and take all the time you need for that. If you ever get to a point where you're free and clear of all reservations, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, I want nothing but the best for you--and me."

 

For me, this wouldn't be about ego, it would be about not wanting to influence her and position myself badly in the future. Otherwise I couldn't trust that the first bump in the road would send her wishing she'd taken the other road. I'd skip that. I'm an all-in person, or NOT.

[lostandhurt]

Patience seems to be going instinct these days. Everyone wants everything right now and lost the ability to wait even a short amount of time.

 

People are human and not every chance encounter has the perfect timing with absolutely no outside entanglements. There are tons of people out there with regrets because they made a rash decision instead of stepping back and giving things some time.

 

What I saw from you was that you viewed her as special enough to wait a little while and see what happens. It looks like it has paid off.

 

I wish you the very best

 

Lost

[IAmFCA]

Ha, our array of posts gives evidence to how personal relationships are, how specifically we tailor our experiences to meet our needs.

 

To me, it sounds like a good stepping stone, and I would regard it as such.

 

Relationships have many other challenges. In some regards, other people are the least of our worries -- except that we run to others when we want to avoid the big hairy problems that arise between us. Your ability to talk through challenges, to problem solve as a team -- that can carry you a long way.

[DancingFool]

I agree - good news is no reason to abandon a pretty good plan of taking things slow and feeling each other out/getting to know each other/not pushing things/letting everything develop (or not) naturally. But yes, the fact that she's been so upfront, so transparent, and so communicative about all of this scores her some pretty big points in my book. If people can communicate well that's like 90% of the battle haha.

 

Thanks again, y'all.

 

^Awesome attitude and thanks for the update. You come across as well grounded and reasonable. You like her, she likes you, see what comes of it. All dating is a risk without guarantees of success. If you think the person is worth it, then see where things lead to. I like your "let's bring it down to human pace". :)

[cwsreddy]

Ok it sounds like she wants an open kind of thing. When she's in her locale she'll be with her "ex" bf and when she's in your locale/with you she'll be with you. Both of you may be none the wiser, but a LDR of on-site intensity may be the way it goes in your industry. Lots of intense local lovers and the situation back home. Maybe they need a word for that. Work-wife/husband-with-benefits?

 

It's literally nothing like that. Her locale is Boston or whatever gig she's on. He lives in England.

[cwsreddy]

Patience seems to be going instinct these days. Everyone wants everything right now and lost the ability to wait even a short amount of time.

 

People are human and not every chance encounter has the perfect timing with absolutely no outside entanglements. There are tons of people out there with regrets because they made a rash decision instead of stepping back and giving things some time.

 

What I saw from you was that you viewed her as special enough to wait a little while and see what happens. It looks like it has paid off.

 

I wish you the very best

 

Lost

 

SO completely agree with the bolded. Thank you!

[cwsreddy]

Thanks for all the help everybody. A week later and things are great, we've set up the next time we're going to see each other (and the time after that - she offered to come visit me in DC when she's finished with her current contract). Appreciate the opportunity to vent and work through this with all of you and to hear all the perspectives. Just goes to show that there's never a one-size-fits-all approach with this stuff.