He’s not “happy”.

[IAmFCA]

He is invested in me. Just wants to find his happiness before he can focus on me. End goal is us being together down the track.

 

How?

A goal has a date and an action plan.

 

OP, You will do what's right for you. It will work out, regardless of how, with whom, and when. The future will show up right on time.

 

For now, this hurts, I can relate, I'm sorry. This change gives you an opportunity to focus on yourself in some way. Is there a project, new skill, or personal goal that you now can make a priority?

[MissCanuck]

How do I fast track this process and make him realise what he’s lost and that all he needs is me to love him.

 

You don't get to decide what he needs. It's not under your control whatsoever, nor should you assume you know what he needs better than he does.

 

What were the problems in the relationship which prompted him to tell you he wasn't happy and wanted to end it? Obviously something was wrong.

[Annia]

But how is he going to pursue happiness and what's the level of happiness he needs to decide to get back to you? What's his plan then if the end goal is that you two get back together? And when will that be? In years? Are you waiting around for him?

[DaisyMayPorter]

Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do. He is saying he isn’t happy and he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, so listen to him.

[IAmFCA]

OP

 

Folks on ENA wrote the same responses to me, at a time when I was broken up with by a man who said I was the person he wanted to marry.

 

All stories are different, and I will say mine, but first I will say this: the folks who encouraged me to let go were correct. I did, several months later, it was deeply painful, it was the right thing to do, and no amount of other people's advice would have allowed me to do it sooner.

 

The best advice I can offer you, if you want it, is to live each day making sure you are your number one top priority. Even with kids, work, relationships: like on an airplane, put on your own air mask first. Always. Love yourself, pursue what makes you happy, and the rest will follow.

 

---

 

In my case? He had already met his "next"; he had been on tinder; he had taken her to a concert that he knew about because of my recommendation; they are still together. That was 4 years ago. He has been cheating on his gf this entire time, even as he moved in with her, blended their families including young children, and blended their friendship circles. He spent a couple of years trying to befriend me. With time I see that people I had met through him have character issues - or at least, values very different from my own. He pretended to have the values his parents taught him, and he played that part very well. It would have been faster and easier if I had listened to him when he said: "You are perfect for me. I am in a dark place and I don't want to drag you down with me. I can't be in a relationship right now. I am sorry." I wanted to be supportive and constant etc etc. I needed to listen to his representation of what he could offer, which was nothing, and walk away.

 

--

 

By contrast, my current bf has a lot of melancholy/depression right now. He is as constant, attentive and supportive as if he were a ball of sunshine. He shares his path with me, but always it remains his path. He doesn't spread his darkness on everyone around him. He is much too responsible and loving to hurt others with his own sadness.

 

--

 

OP, when someone is there with you, they are there with you. Period. This love you two created was a real experience, but it isn't your happy place. I am sorry. I also am confident that this journey will lead you somewhere much better for you. When you are ready.

[thisisrichey]

How do I fast track this process and make him realise what he’s lost and that all he needs is me to love him.

you can't. as he said, he needs to figure this out for himself. For you to try and push it faster isn't him figuring out himself is it?

He needs to do this himself and thus you have zero control. In fact, any attempt you make to control or affect it will make it worse for you and the likliehood it works out later.

 

I think you need to move on and plan as if this is gone. You also need to find yourself. If in the off-chance down the road the opportunity arises again - you can deal with it then.

 

There is no timeframe, timeline, or promises on this one. Sorry.

[Capricorn3]

People need to find happiness in themselves before entering a relationship.

Oh, I totally agree!! Absolutely! Happiness comes from within. What I was trying to get across was that I got the impression that he was not feeling as invested (or in love) in the relationship as the OP believes he is. I may be wrong of course, but just the impression I got.

[IAmFCA]

There is "I'm not happy" and there is "I'm not happy".

 

I used to feel extraordinarily happy... also I was unaware of my inner malaise, fear, and shame: in fact I was deeply unhappy and escaping it with my extraordinary coping skills.

 

Then I addressed my foundation.

 

Now I am very happy.

 

At the moment, I am coming out of a two year malaise, and can talk with my bf about our depression feelings. Even so, I am very happy.

 

OP's bf is the first kind of unhappy. He is not available for a relationship with the OP. End of story.

[katrina1980]

This is one of the better messages I have received. Someone who actually understands that I respect the fact he needs to find happiness on his own.

 

I love him and he loves me still and we are both just somewhat holding onto that because he’s never said he wasn’t happy with me he just wasn’t happy in himself and he doesn’t want to bring me down when he’s like this.

 

Just waiting for his happiness to find him. Also maybe the time apart will make him realise what he’s missing out on and maybe I was his happiness all along.

 

Sweetie, I know you're hurting but I'd like to share something with you that I think you need to hear.

 

I believe him when he says he's not happy with himself. This is depression, and I have struggled with that too.

 

When people are truly depressed, unhappy within, they don't love themselves, at that moment. And in turn, they are incapable of loving another, in this case you.

 

This is a documented fact, you can't love another unless and until you love yourself first.

 

Perhaps he does love you, as a fellow human being, a good friend. But given his unhappiness/depression that's all it can be right now, again given his depressed state, he is literally incapable of providing the type of romantic love you need, clearly.

 

This is why he ended it with you. If he were to tell you the truth about his true feelings (that he doesn't feel love for you, not in the romantic sense), you'd be devastated and since he obviously cares about you on some level, he cushioned it.

 

That said, he may realize that there may come a time when his depression lifts and he will find love again, hence why he told you there is a chance you may get back together.

 

But for right now, his feelings are shut down. He's not feeling love for himself, nor you, I'm sorry. He can't.

 

Best thing for you to do is accept this and carry on with your life. Wish him the best dealing with his unhappiness and depression, and perhaps some day, after getting the necessary help he needs, you can re-visit your RL and consider getting back together.

 

Who knows how long that will take, it could be YEARS. Literally. If ever.

 

Depression is a very serious illness, many people never fully recover.

[boltnrun]

Sweetie, I know you're hurting but I'd like to share something with you that I think you need to hear.

 

I believe him when he says he's not happy with himself. This is depression, and I have struggled with that too.

 

When people are truly depressed, unhappy within, they don't love themselves, at that moment. And in turn, they are incapable of loving anothe, in this case you.

 

This is a documented fact, you can't love another unless and until you love yourself first.

 

Perhaps he does love you, as a fellow human being, a good friend. But given his unhappiness/depression that's all it can be right now, at the moment again given his depressed state, he is literally incapable of providing the type of romantic love you need, clearly.

 

This is why he ended it with you. If he were to tell you the truth about his true feelings, you'd be devastated and since he obviously cares about you on some level, he cushioned it.

 

That said, he may realize that there may come a time when his depression lifts and he will find love again, hence why he told you there is a chance you may get back together.

 

But for right now, his feelings are shut down. He's not feeling love for himself, nor you, I'm sorry. He can't.

 

Best thing for you to do is accept this and carry on with your life. Wish him the best dealing with his unhappiness and depression, and perhaps some day, after getting the necessary help he needs, you can re-visit your RL and consider getting back together.

 

Who knows how long that will take, it could be YEARS. Literally.

 

Depression is a very serious illness, many people never fully recover.

 

Turns out they're married, though (see the other thread).

 

I hope he is receiving some kind of counseling, because marriages shouldn't be something you can step in and out of.

[IAmFCA]

Sweetie, I know you're hurting but I'd like to share something with you that I think you need to hear.

 

I believe him when he says he's not happy with himself. This is depression, and I have struggled with that too.

 

When people are truly depressed, unhappy within, they don't love themselves, at that moment. And in turn, they are incapable of loving another, in this case you.

 

This is a documented fact, you can't love another unless and until you love yourself first.

 

Perhaps he does love you, as a fellow human being, a good friend. But given his unhappiness/depression that's all it can be right now, again given his depressed state, he is literally incapable of providing the type of romantic love you need, clearly.

 

This is why he ended it with you. If he were to tell you the truth about his true feelings (that he doesn't feel love for you, not in the romantic sense), you'd be devastated and since he obviously cares about you on some level, he cushioned it.

 

That said, he may realize that there may come a time when his depression lifts and he will find love again, hence why he told you there is a chance you may get back together.

 

But for right now, his feelings are shut down. He's not feeling love for himself, nor you, I'm sorry. He can't.

 

Best thing for you to do is accept this and carry on with your life. Wish him the best dealing with his unhappiness and depression, and perhaps some day, after getting the necessary help he needs, you can re-visit your RL and consider getting back together.

 

Who knows how long that will take, it could be YEARS. Literally.

 

Depression is a very serious illness, many people never fully recover.

 

Yessssssss. Brava.

 

We can love, while moving on. Sometimes, that is the biggest gift we can offer.

[katrina1980]

OP, how long have you been married? What are your ages?

 

Has he been diagnosed?

 

I only ask cause there are some people who will say these types of things, just cause they want out.

 

Not saying that's what he's doing, but something is suddenly not jiving here.

[samala13]

We are not married?

Where did that come from? We are de facto. We live together, own things together, have joint accounts and joint debts.

[boltnrun]

We are not married?

Where did that come from? We are de facto. We live together, own things together, have joint accounts and joint debts.

 

Direct quote from your other thread located here:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=556824

 

"He is my spouse."

 

Spouse means married.

[IAmFCA]

If you are de facto married then a "break" is de facto "separated".

 

There is no way around the fact that he is looking outside your bond for comfort rather than within it (that is not meant to imply other women).

[Wiseman2]

Where is he staying? Did he move out? Or is he staying with friends/family for now. Is he still paying his 1/2 of things?

 

It makes a huge difference how to handle all this if you are married vs living together. If you are married, all this stuff you mention is legally co-owned and you will need an attorney to sort out this separation/divorce. Also he can not just walk out. If you are living together you'll have to figure out who's who and what's what between the two of you and only need an attorney when it starts getting ugly.

 

Unfortunately it sounds like he met someone and wants out but doesn't want to hurt you or reveal that this is what's happening.

He is my spouse. We brought this car and furniture way before he decided to have a “break”.

We are not married? We live together, own things together, have joint accounts and joint debts.

[katrina1980]

 

Unfortunately it sounds like he met someone and wants out but doesn't want to hurt you or reveal that this is what's happening.

 

Yeah, after more thought, I think so too.

 

I mean I know everyone is different but when I was going through unhappiness and depression many years ago, I was in a long term RL, and I did not just break up with my bf.

 

It never even occurred to me to break up with him, we were committed through bad times and good.

 

I got help and eventually my love returned and we reconnected, all while remaining together.

 

I'm sorry OP can't be 100% certain, but it really appears he simply wanted out and used the ole "unhappy with myself" to soften the blow for you.

[katrina1980]

We are not married?

Where did that come from?

 

From you dear.

 

You referred to him as your "spouse" in your previous thread.

 

According to Merriam-Webster (dictionary in case you're not familiar), the definition of spouse is "married person : husband, wife."

No disrespect but it's kinda difficult to follow your story when you're not truthful, let alone trust if your story is even true, sorry.

[samala13]

Not trust if my story is even true. I’m sorry I got spouse/partner mixed up.

Yes my story is true. Why would I make up a story?

 

To me a partner is a spouse? But whatever to make it all correct for you folk who are telling me he has “found someone else” he is my partner. We live together and own things together. We were planning on being together for a very long time hense the reason for making such purchases.

 

Hope this clears it up.

[katrina1980]

 

To me a partner is a spouse? But whatever to make it all correct for you folk who are telling me he has “found someone else” he is my partner.

 

Hope this clears it up.

 

Actually it doesn't.

 

You are now saying he's your partner?

 

 

Partner isn’t happy. Well ex partner. He ended things because he isn’t happy in himself.

 

Have things changed since you wrote this^ post two days ago?

 

Can you see how we might be confused samala?

 

Anyway, nevermind, it doesn't matter.

 

Best of luck whatever happens.

[ninjabib]

I don't think the OP is being dishonest . They just made a simple mistake with terminology.

 

The advice remains the same however whichever word you use

[Wiseman2]

What type of translation app are you using? Perhaps it's translating poorly or erratically which is why you do not reply to posts in a manner that makes sense and why the facts/story seems to constantly change.

 

For example all you do is repeat yourself about the stuff you bought together and repeat yourself that according to you spouse and boyfriend are the same thing. It seems to put question marks randomly at the end of statements.. Try Google translate and see if it gets whatever you are trying to say across more accurately.

 

However since your question continually revolves around what you can't afford alone, it would make a difference depending on your legal status such as divorced or separated or married or living together.

To me a partner is a spouse? We live together and own things together.

[boltnrun]

If you're not married but both of your names are on the lease, car loan, credit card, etc., you BOTH are responsible. If the companies can't get the money from him they will go after you for the full amount. And they can do so legally.

 

Set up a payment agreement with him and have him sign it. That way, if he doesn't pay his share you have grounds to sue him in court.

[katrina1980]

If you're not married but both of your names are on the lease, car loan, credit card, etc., you BOTH are responsible. If the companies can't get the money from him they will go after you for the full amount. And they can do so legally.

 

Set up a payment agreement with him and have him sign it. That way, if he doesn't pay his share you have grounds to sue him in court.

 

Agree with this^, to add, although you are not legally married, best to consult a lawyer re the splitting of assets. You need to protect yourself here, cause if you don't you could potentially get screwed.

 

But before you do anything, you need to accept its over.

 

Whether he's unhappy with himself or met someone else, who knows, it does not matter.

 

He ended it with you (your own words) he is no longer your partner, he no longer wishes to be in a relationship with you, unless something has changed since your original post, which I asked in my last post but you never responded.

 

Acceptance is key to moving on, it seems you are struggling with this.

 

I know it hurts like heck to face this reality, but you must otherwise you will remain stuck which is a very unhealthy place to be.

 

Best of luck moving forward!