She blocked me suddenly :(

[katrina1980]

MAXX, fwiw I don't think you're an azzhole and secondly I agree that OP was the one who turned her off.

 

By being needy and then becoming frustrated and losing his cool/temper, verses remaining cool and calm and diffusing the situation. So I'm with you there.

 

However and jmo this does not negate the fact that the way in which she presented these questions to him, ad nausum almost like some sort of shyt test, was over the top.

 

As for her being aggressive, we only have OP's word to go on and from what he posted, she did seem quite heavy handed in her approach.

 

That said, clearly you're successful with women and perhaps these sort of shyt tests (if that is what she was even doing) don't bother you; par for the course as they say, both women and men employ them, which is certainly you're right and has served you well!

 

But yeah agree the OP was the one who turned her off.

[MAXX]

MAXX, fwiw I don't think you're an azzhole and secondly I agree that OP was the one who turned her off.

 

By being needy and then becoming frustrated and losing his cool/temper, verses remaining cool and calm and diffusing the situation. So I'm with you there.

 

However and jmo this does not negate the fact that the way in which she presented these questions to him, ad nausum almost like some sort of shyt test, was over the top.

 

As for her being aggressive, we only have OP's word to go on and from what he posted, she did seem quite heavy handed in her approach.

 

That said, clearly you're successful with women and perhaps these sort of shyt tests (if that is what she was even doing) don't bother you; par for the course as they say, both women and men employ them, which is certainly you're right and has served you well!

 

But yeah agree the OP was the one who turned her off.

 

You're ahead of the curve for the most part

[SherrySher]

By the way, OP...are you a vegetarian? Do you like animals? Why did you marriage end? The questions will go on and on...ha. ;)

[SilverFactory]

Ok, I'll play the role as the azzhole because I'm sure many have already labelled me as such...good, you should. Either you've been in the dating game and understand what is going on or you don't. As far as I'm concerned this is on the OP! Her loss of attraction is on YOU, not HER! Even if you think she was being aggressive (Which I doubt) This situation could have been easily defused but it wasn't. I already mentioned the reasons why, no need to explain for a 3rd time. I've dated girls who asked the same questions on 2 different occasions, and not once did I take it as offensive, not once did I get annoyed or get mad, I understood why she was asking, you sir did not! As far as I'm concerned this woman was not flaky whatsoever, she was just being a girl who was getting back into the dating scene and figuring things out, as are you.

 

OP, if you came here to vent, by all means vent and tell your story. If you're looking for feedback, I just gave you mine. From what I take it you are newly back in the dating scene yourself, I highly suggest you look at reading material from reputable sources on dating, and how men and women have different dynamics and what your job is to do in order to be successful. Are my words harsh? Ya, for sure, I'm pretty blunt, but I'm in here to give the ugly and brutal truth in order to help you succeed!

 

Carry on...

 

Hi Maxx, I appreciate everybody's input, including yours.

 

In a previous post I had mentioned the 2 mistakes I made:

 

Thanks for all your honest responses.

 

From reading all the replies I realize I made 2 mistakes:

 

1) being needy and offering to drop her at the airport. On that day I asked her "Is some one dropping you at the airport?" and she said "Yes a friend is dropping me. Do you want to come and drop me?" and like an idiot I agreed to that

 

2) losing my temper when she kept going with her invasive questions. I feel like I should have also asked many questions about her marriage and why it ended in a divorce, why she could not make her marriage work.. but I never did.

 

sigh.. it's all over now.

 

I believe this part is important:

 

I understood why she was asking, you sir did not

 

I don't know why but I understood her non-stop questions as she pointing out one incompatibility after another to find reasons to end things. May be its my insecurities..

 

The analogy for this would be - let's say you have been unemployed for a very very long time and finally you get an interview call from a good company. During the interview if they ignore your positives and start saying things like 'we need this skill, you don't seem to have that', 'we want someone familiar with this technology, you don't have that', 'we are looking for someone with this particular experience, doesn't look like you have'... wouldn't you feel nervous? wouldn't you feel insecure at that point and start to feel that the job is slowly slipping away from your grasp? That's exactly how I felt when she asked me those questions.

 

Also, for my bad luck on that specific day I had to train a new guy who was asking a ton of questions. My manager was hounding me as well... my job is stressful as it is and these two people were asking me lot of questions. and she was sending her questions one after another via text messages. If I had at least been at home may be I would have reacted differently.. sigh

[figureitout23]

So I read the whole thread expecting someone to catch this nugget

 

"I don't know anything about you and so I am asking questions.. but you are getting frustrated.. so now I cannot ask you any more questions. Let's stop talking".

 

Instead she just being labelled crazy for being overly cautious. Would it be annoying? Yeah, does it make her crazy? Hardly, shes been through a divorce and probably isnt full ready to date. Im much more perplexed by the OPers snapping at her,instead of, I dont know, deciding she isnt a match for him and leaving it alone. Lets be fair isnt that what she did? But shes crazy?

[katrina1980]

 

Im much more perplexed by the OPers snapping at her,instead of, I dont know, deciding she isnt a match for him and leaving it alone.

 

I think this was mentioned by a few of us, including myself, I think I used the words "it boggles the mind...." but yes totally agree!

[MAXX]

I don't know why but I understood her non-stop questions as she pointing out one incompatibility after another to find reasons to end things. May be its my insecurities..

 

The analogy for this would be - let's say you have been unemployed for a very very long time and finally you get an interview call from a good company. During the interview if they ignore your positives and start saying things like 'we need this skill, you don't seem to have that', 'we want someone familiar with this technology, you don't have that', 'we are looking for someone with this particular experience, doesn't look like you have'... wouldn't you feel nervous? wouldn't you feel insecure at that point and start to feel that the job is slowly slipping away from your grasp? That's exactly how I felt when she asked me those questions.

 

She was testing you, and you did the right thing the first time answering the questions in an honest manner. The second time around, you could have deflected the question and tell her that there are things you will agree on, and things you won't, that's part of any relationship, but I'm willing to get to know your likes and dislikes...or anything along this line. When it comes to dating I've learned not to take anything to personnel. Don't sweat this one, and 43 isn't old. When it comes to age I believe men have the advantage, and you should look at your situation as a new beginning. Continue to go on dates, be alouf and mysterious, and above all have fun! When you do these things everything else will fall in place.

[SilverFactory]

The second time around, you could have deflected the question and tell her that there are things you will agree on, and things you won't, that's part of any relationship, but I'm willing to get to know your likes and dislikes...or anything along this line.

 

The second time also I answered... when she asked for the third time at one point I said "I am aware that there are some differences between us but I like you.. I am interested in you.. and if you feel the same then I think thats what matters". She responds with "I am also interested" and then she goes "Do you drink and smoke?" ..... followed by other questions... until I lost it

[mustlovedogs]

The second time also I answered... when she asked for the third time at one point I said "I am aware that there are some differences between us but I like you.. I am interested in you.. and if you feel the same then I think thats what matters". She responds with "I am also interested" and then she goes "Do you drink and smoke?" ..... followed by other questions... until I lost it

 

It. Doesn’t. Matter.

 

I’m repeating that again.

 

This all does not matter.

 

She isn’t interested - the end. Her reasons are irrelevant. She’s not interested.

[MAXX]

The second time also I answered... when she asked for the third time at one point I said "I am aware that there are some differences between us but I like you.. I am interested in you.. and if you feel the same then I think thats what matters". She responds with "I am also interested" and then she goes "Do you drink and smoke?" ..... followed by other questions... until I lost it

 

Again, all about deflection. You could have laughed, and be playful and said, "let's talk about it over dinner and you can ask me anything you want." All good, just remember for next time.

[SilverFactory]

It. Doesn’t. Matter.

 

I’m repeating that again.

 

This all does not matter.

 

She isn’t interested - the end. Her reasons are irrelevant. She’s not interested.

 

Yes, I realize that.

 

I think we are trying to understand at what point she lost interest.. and if there are lessons for me to learn from this experience.

[mustlovedogs]

Yes, I realize that.

 

I think we are trying to understand at what point she lost interest.. and if there are lessons for me to learn from this experience.

 

You’re repeating the lessons over and over. If you approach conversations in real life the way you do here, you’re going to have dating problems. You’re talking in circles, but yet get annoyed she asks so many questions.

[Tinydance]

Heya, here is what I think. People are all completely different, want different things and have different values. I will give you an example. My fiance is OBSESSED with cats. He is what you would call a true "crazy cat lady", except he's a man. He barely ever got any luck on online dating and one time he started talking to a girl on Tinder, but she didn't like cats. So he stopped talking to her. I know that this woman was acting in a bit of an aggressive manner but she may be a dog nut and you said you've never even had pets. You are 43 and the fact that you've never had ANY pets no offense but does point to the fact that you are probably not a pet person. I love dogs and am fine with cats, I also don't care if someone has never had pets, as long as I'm allowed to have pets and they accept them. Some people are not as laid back and have strict expectations that someone will love dogs, cats, etc.

 

Asking are you a vegetarian, do you smoke, drink, are totally valid questions in my opinion. She asked them a bit aggressively but the mere fact that she wanted to know is not wrong. Especially when you get older and you want to really settle down, you do care about big things like values and lifestyle choices. It's very common for people to care about that. I've seen plenty of people say they will only date other vegetarians or vegans. Also online dating is just giving people a go and seeing if you like the person and wanna see them again. People may be willing to overlook some things if they're really into the person, e.g. no pets, but if they're not into you they will use those things as an excuse to not take it further. It's also possible that this woman just wasn't feeling a spark and felt too awkward to say it. So she started making up reasons like everything she told you. But at the end of the day she does have a right to care about those reasons too because it's HER life, her relationship. She is allowed to have criteria and her criteria is valid. It's not like she was saying: "You have to like eating bananas". These are big things, not small.

[Tinydance]

Look, I do understand, I actually know that it's hard for men to meet women online and to get many replies, but I think your behaviour is not great to be honest. I know that the woman was acting like she was interrogating you but your own behaviour was really full-on too. It's not good to be desperate and people can sense desperation, trust me. I've done a fair bit of online dating and most of the time it doesn't work out because you're meeting a complete stranger. If I went on this forum every time an online date didn't work out, you'd see hundreds of posts here from me about online dating. I think it's rude the woman blocked you but end of the day she actually did reply to you and she told you she is not interested. So she did the right thing and she let you know. You need to accept that this didn't work out and stop going on and on about it. You are taking it too seriously. Just because you got two dates doesn't mean she has to like you and it's all going to be great. When I go to job interviews, I don't expect them to give me a job. I hope they will but I don't rely on it. And yes in a job interview you would be asked a million questions about yourself and you have to answer them. Obviously a date is not a job interview but it's similar.

 

Also I know you must be nervous about having been single a long time, but I will admit that it is a bit of a red flag. E.g. I'm 33 and let's say I'm looking for marriage. I meet a guy who is 43, never married, no kids, never had pets, single a very long time. I would be wondering if something is wrong why those things never happened. I know it's judgemental but people can't help wondering and you have to be prepared to answer in a non-defensive manner. Because if you ask someone something and they get defensive, it seems like they have something to hide. So do you see why your date may have gotten suspicious?

[figureitout23]

Very well put tiny dancer

[SilverFactory]

Also I know you must be nervous about having been single a long time, but I will admit that it is a bit of a red flag. E.g. I'm 33 and let's say I'm looking for marriage. I meet a guy who is 43, never married, no kids, never had pets, single a very long time. I would be wondering if something is wrong why those things never happened. I know it's judgemental but people can't help wondering and you have to be prepared to answer in a non-defensive manner. Because if you ask someone something and they get defensive, it seems like they have something to hide. So do you see why your date may have gotten suspicious?

 

Can you please explain to me why she can feel like I am hiding something after I answered her questions in a) the dating website b) in texts and phone calls c) during the 1st date d) during the 2nd date?

[milly007]

Can you please explain to me why she can feel like I am hiding something after I answered her questions in a) the dating website b) in texts and phone calls c) during the 1st date d) during the 2nd date?

 

Because as you mentioned in post #83, you said you “lost it” when she was asking you questions. She may have interpreted this as you hiding something/being defensive, and not wanting her to ask any further questions.

 

Which is why she came back to you and said “I can’t ask you anymore questions”, or something to this effect and wanted to stop talking.

 

Or she could have just thought you had a short-temper, which is bound to drive most ladies away.

 

Sorry, I know your question was directed at Tinydancer...just couldn’t help myself.

[milly007]

I have to say, Silver, when I read those words “lost it” in your post it made me cringe.

 

Surely you could have come up with other ways to deal with the questioning if it was frustrating you (i.e.- humour, etc.) but losing it was a big no no.

 

Something to keep in mind moving forward and when dating other women.

 

One of my brothers told me years ago (when I was still learning about dating) that the early stages of dating are pretty fragile.

 

He was right.

[SilverFactory]

Because as you mentioned in post #83, you said you “lost it” when she was asking you questions.

 

That's true. I got frustrated answering the same questions over and over and over again.

[Tinydance]

Can you please explain to me why she can feel like I am hiding something after I answered her questions in a) the dating website b) in texts and phone calls c) during the 1st date d) during the 2nd date?

 

Well you're right, I don't know why the woman kept asking you when you already told her everything. I do think she was rude because even if you want to know something, you don't just keep firing off the questions. To be honest I would feel annoyed too if I was asked the same thing many times. I think she had particular criteria and you didn't answer in the way she wanted, so she kept bringing it up seeing if you may change your response. E.g. change to saying: "I'm not vegetarian now but I'll become vegetarian for you." Many people think they can change other people or that people are obliged to change for them. I even have two examples for you from my own life. One guy messaged me on online dating and his profile said he's a vegan and he can agree to date someone who eats meat, but if they want to date him he expects they will become a vegan. Another guy messaged with me a few times on OK Cupid and mind you I had my profile very extensively filled out, regarding all my music tastes too. Then all of a sudden he messages me saying: "Are you a big country music fan? Coz I am and I want to date someone the same, otherwise it won't work out". I replied: "I like all sorts of music and some country too, but I'm not a huge fan. I understand if you're not OK with it". The guy never replied. Bottom line is in my mind I was like ??!! But I didn't say anything to him and never messaged him again because why bother?

 

I know the woman didn't behave very well but again I think that just having the criteria is not wrong. I think she lost interest because you didn't match the criteria and you just have to accept that. It's rude she blocked you but you kept messaging her many times when you were getting no response. I think if you get no replies you should not continue messaging more and more, it's desperate. She must have blocked you for that reason. But in the end she told you she's not interested so that's all you need to know really. Sometimes you go on online dates and everything is perfectly fine and then they ghost you. It's probably because they just weren't attracted or didn't feel "a spark". Doesn't mean anyone did anything wrong.

[milly007]

That's true. I got frustrated answering the same questions over and over and over again.

 

I know, which is why it didn’t work out and why you’re not a match

[Tinydance]

Just on a slightly different note here, have you tried dating in real life? Going to social groups, Meetup, join a class, that sort of thing? I'm not trying to be rude but if you've been doing online dating for eight years and you only got a date with this one woman, I think maybe online dating is not the way to go. You clearly want a relationship so I think it's time to explore all possible avenues and not only online dating. Also again sorry about the grilling but do you mind telling more about yourself? What do you do for work and in your spare time? Why do you reckon you've been single for so long? I'm not trying to pick on you but just trying to see if maybe you can change anything about your approaches if you want to meet women. It's just you come across as very over eager and I think that may ruin things for you with women. The way you keep going on and on about this woman you hardly know at all and only had two dates. I think it's really not good to be so fixated. The desperation vibe probably comes through and it's something that will scare women away.

[Wiseman2]

This woman had some serious issues, baggage and damage. While some of the lifestyle and past relationship questions are in the normal range this comes off as overly aggressive and very defensive. She is looking for something, anything to rule everyone out.

 

She is not only husband hunting, she is grilling men, in effect attacking men, with her repetitive interrogations. This is way too much bs in general but for 2 lousy date in particular.

 

Maybe her husband divorced her for her conceited aggressive perfectionist antagonist personality. She's a witch on wheels. You are a lucky guy that this witch blocked you and moved on to her next target in her quest for Mr. Perfect. Maybe she has to remarry in hurry or her folks will be "shamed" or her folks have to refund this very luck ex-husband's dowry. Who knows.?

-During the date she sternly asked "so, tell me, why are you still single? do you go on lot of dates?".

-After the date she said "I felt like we did not spend enough time with each other".

-Then the dog issue came up and she started asking questions again - what are you looking for just dating or life partner? do you think I am anywhere close to you what you are expecting in a life partner?

-I am vegetarian, you are non-vegetarian correct? do you drink and smoke? when was the last time you had a girlfriend?

-her marriage was arranged and was with a guy from her caste and community.

[Ian4996]

I've come across this sort of questioning a couple of times with online dating and I must say, I find it a massive turn-off. There's nothing worse when you're dating someone than feeling that you're sat in a job interview or feeling that you're being treated with suspicion.

The questions themselves are perfectly valid questions but there's no reason they can't be asked in a fun friendly getting to know each other type conversation rather than an interrogation!

 

Personally, now, I wouldn't lose my temper over it and I'd answer the questions politely and honestly and in a friendly manner. But I'd also ask her a similar question back each time she asked me one, just to set the tone that this isn't a 1 sided interview!

[Tinydance]

I've come across this sort of questioning a couple of times with online dating and I must say, I find it a massive turn-off. There's nothing worse when you're dating someone than feeling that you're sat in a job interview or feeling that you're being treated with suspicion.

The questions themselves are perfectly valid questions but there's no reason they can't be asked in a fun friendly getting to know each other type conversation rather than an interrogation!

 

Personally, now, I wouldn't lose my temper over it and I'd answer the questions politely and honestly and in a friendly manner. But I'd also ask her a similar question back each time she asked me one, just to set the tone that this isn't a 1 sided interview!

 

I like this response! I would like to just explain this from a woman's perspective though. I think it's actually true, most women do get a lot of messages online. However, as another female poster pointed out, they are mostly asking for sex or eventually the men ask for sex without wanting to actually date. Then it becomes really difficult to actually "weed out" the right people who may be a good match because you get so many messages.

 

I've also come across some disappointing experiences where for example someone had "looking for dating" ticked on their profile, but when we met up they were like "do you wanna go to my place" straight away. Or when I was seeing a guy a few weeks then found out he did not want kids or marriage.

 

So I feel after having a few experiences like these and not trying to suss men out properly straight away, women then do begin to ask too many questions like: "What are you looking for?" "Have you been married?" "Where do you work?" etc., etc. In my case all I was really looking for was someone like-minded who wants kids and marriage. I didn't actually care if they smoked, had pets, what diet they had (unless all they ate was junk food lol). But some people may care about those things or other ridiculous things like "do you like country music" lol

 

I do agree though that structuring the date as a job interview is not good and especially to continue asking things you've already asked and got the answers. I think if you don't like the answers you got than thank the person for their time and move on.

 

But what I think is a bit worrying here SilverFactory is that this woman who was behaving like this is your only option and you got totally fixated on her. I think most men after this behaviour may have lost interest in her themselves. Instead you offer to drive her to the airport and then continue to message her even though you got no replies! I mean, how can this be your only choice? Do you not have any opportunity to meet women anywhere else or do you have anything about you that's a turn-off to women? E.g. you don't have a job? I'm not making assumptions about you but I'm just confused that after eight years of actively trying you can only get one date.