No Contact - should I say happy birthday?

[boltnrun]

I guarantee he will not think "Well, I was planning to get back together with ineedahug, but she didn't wish me a happy birthday so forget it!"

[Wiseman2]

Oh. So it was great up until the drunken argument? Ok then just keep chasing him and see if he takes you back, what have you got to lose except more of this:

 

when we hung out it was sometimes a little boring like I understand that we can’t always do something exciting but it became constant where all we did was watch TV for a few hours a day.

[nutbrownhare]

But I wanted more effort from his behalf to do small things when he could.

 

He is who he is. You were hoping he'd be someone different, and behave differently, and nudged him in that direction. This gets very wearing for the person who's being coerced. What would have felt like an improvement to you (because he was doing what you wanted) would have felt controlling and stifling to him; it sounds as though the big fight was the last straw after all the nagging and trying to change him. ("I've done everything I can for her and she's still fighting.")

 

Whatever, you will remain in a very sad place until you decide you're going to get on with life without him.

[DancingFool]

Reading your responses, your relationship was never all that great or in any way balanced. You started out way too hot and heavy, but then things cooled way off to the point of boring. In other words, it was a kind of bait and switch. At first he was all over you, but then.....you were hooked and making all the effort and pining for the good old days from how it was when you first met. Problem is, it was a bait and switch and it's not who he is. If you read back all your posts and responses here....you were really really unhappy with him and how thing were going. Perhaps if you realize that and admit it to yourself, you can start healing and letting go. This huge fight wouldn't have happened, if your relationship was happy and balanced. The more accurate truth is that it wasn't, he was lazy, he was prioritizing other things, he was taking you for granted, you were dancing around him and his schedule, but he wouldn't return the favor, aka selfish, and so on and so forth.

 

I'm sorry OP, but stop telling yourself that things ended because of this one fight. Quite frankly, things should have ended long ago and you should have been the one dumping him. You might want to reflect on that. You put way way way too much effort into trying and even forcing this to work and rewarding yourself with "oh see he did try a little bit, so he must care". You see, OP, this very premise leads to toxic relationships and not the game you want to engage in. Expect a guy to treat you how you want to be treated and if he isn't so inclined, dump him and find someone more compatible. Don't be the mule pulling and pushing the whole cart. There is no reward in that.

[ineedahug]

The more accurate truth is that it wasn't, he was lazy, he was prioritizing other things, he was taking you for granted, you were dancing around him and his schedule, but he wouldn't return the favor, aka selfish, and so on and so forth

Thanks for the reassurance and actually finding fault with him. It seems like everyone else has seemed to be blaming me saying I was “nagging and coercing him” and even go as far to say I was making him feel stifled by being controlling. I don’t get how asking someone to put in more effort is controlling? I literally let him do whatever he wanted all the time. I clearly said I WILL NOT CONTACT UNTIL HE REACHES OUT AND I AM TRYING TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. I was just conflicted on whether or not to say HBD since he wished me one. Of course any girl who was dumped dreams of her ex to come back so I don’t need the sarcastic “be miserable then” “what do you have to lose?” comments. The breakup happened a month ago and I’ve literally seen him 3 times since most recently 2 weeks ago which is when I decided to do NC. So of course I’m still very emotional. Also I in no place said “I know if I wish him a happy birthday he will fall back in love with me” it’s all situational people, he wished me one (even if it was through someone else) So that’s why I even feel the need to question if I should wish him one. Had he not wished me one I wouldn’t even be asking rn

And I said already I’m not going to because I’m going to stick with NC since I’m listening to all of your suggestions. Just because some of you were able to move on from your ex after some time, don’t forget how you felt after you were dumped and how hopeless you felt and how the only thing that could get out out of bed in the morning was hope that you could your ex back.

I know it isn’t healthy but I’m literally in NC rn and it’s only been 2 weeks going on 3. It was a year long relationship and who knows how much more time I’ll need.

And btw yes I was happy with him up until that fight. And clearly to the person who said “keep chasing him” I said it so many times before if you need me to say it again

I’m not going to contact him until he contacts me.

I don’t see that as chasing him. Thank you.

[DancingFool]

I'll just say it again, stop telling yourself that you were happy up until that fight. Come on. If you had been happy, the fight wouldn't have happened. There is a long laundry list of unhappy in your posts that's been unhappy for a long long time. Your relationship was in fact very very one sided, with you putting in pretty much all the effort after the initial short honey moon stage. The sooner you reflect on that and accept that, realize that, the faster you'll heal and move on.

 

Stay NC, don't wish him anything. Let time do it's thing, but do be honest that your relationship really wasn't all that. Once you accept that, you'll free yourself. Right now, it seems like you are a bit stuck in a guilt cycle - if only I wouldn't have spilled all the pent up anger and frustration, we'd still be together......well.....you'd also still be angry and frustrated... Does that really sound all that great to you? Seriously, this break up needed to happen and you are now free to meet a better guy. I know, I know, you don't feel like it right now because it's all so raw, but you know what? In a few more months, you'll look back and wonder yourself what you ever saw in him and why you stuck around so long. It's the beauty of 20/20 hindsight. Meanwhile, hang in there, it will happen. Just avoid contact with him and go have fun in college. Studies, hobbies, friends, parties, etc. Allow yourself to have some fun and be free.

[Jellybean9]

If you will regret not saying happy birthday. Then go for it!

 

I know others will disagree.

 

It is all about how you feel after.

 

Just don't expect a reply!!!!!!!

 

If he does say thanks. Leave it as that.

 

You can go on without any regret.

 

You have to remember there is a reason why a big fight happened. It wouldn't have came out of nowhere.

 

So don't use his birthday as a way back in.

 

Just say happy birthday to be polite if that's what you really want to do.

 

Personally I have never done this myself. As when something is over. It's over!

[Wiseman2]

He didn't reach out to you directly so don't reach out to him.

prior to going NC with him he wished me a happy birthday indirectly, meaning through a mutual friend.

[ineedahug]

Thanks I really appreciate another perspective :) May I ask were you a dumper/dumpee when it came to not telling your ex happy birthday?

Also as for people really not believing that I was truly happy prior to my breakup that’s fine you can evaluate it how you see it but I really do mean I was happy whether you believe it or not. Was it perfect? Heck no. But what relationship is? I don’t understand the mentality that if we were happy we would have never gotten into a fight. Couples fight. Does it mean that they are unhappy with one another? Not necessarily. To me it means more they are unhappy with a situation. Of course if there is constant fighting then that’s a different story but in my case I don’t see that as the scenario. Also I put in the fact I was very drunk to show I wasn’t clearly in my right mind when starting that fight and the anger I had was as strong as ever because of so. Sure you could say “well when you’re drunk it’s when the truth comes out” but I don’t think that’s true here.

Also I’d like to add I’ve already explained I’m not going to wish him a happy birthday. So that’s taken care of at this point. I was conflicted when I started this thread but I see why I shouldn’t wish him one.

[Jellybean9]

Well that's good you decided not to I commend you on that.

 

You are right couples do fight. It's normal.

 

I was essentially the dumpee. He dumped me and hoped I would run back to him... He told me this 8 months after the breakup by a chance meet up. Funny enough he said he was shocked I didn't message him on big events.

 

Made me so glad I never messaged merry Xmas or Happy Birthday. As him sitting there hoping I had was the best present ever.

 

Ever since I promised I wouldn't message and ex and remain no contact. It is a powerful thing when you do it and realize it's impact.

 

I'll be honest with you I started no contact with him in the hope of reconciliation. It never happened and I'm so so glad it didn't.

 

No contact is good. You'll feel empowered for not wishing him happy birthday. It may not feel like it at the time.

 

The reason I said how for the message as I don't believe anyone should do things because they think "it is right" or "how it should be". So if you would have regreted not doing it then by all means do!

 

I'm glad you have opted not to message him happy birthday. You'll look back and be proud you didn't.

[ineedahug]

Well that's good you decided not to I commend you on that.

 

You are right couples do fight. It's normal.

 

I was essentially the dumpee. He dumped me and hoped I would run back to him... He told me this 8 months after the breakup by a chance meet up. Funny enough he said he was shocked I didn't message him on big events.

 

Made me so glad I never messaged merry Xmas or Happy Birthday. As him sitting there hoping I had was the best present ever.

 

This made me feel happier :) I understand you said you wanted to reconcile at first. May I ask what changed your mind? Was it that NC helped you move on. Also did he never reach out first?

[Jellybean9]

This made me feel happier :) I understand you said you wanted to reconcile at first. May I ask what changed your mind? Was it that NC helped you move on. Also did he never reach out first?

 

Glad if has made you feel better :)

 

Well I was with him for a couple of years. We argued about concert tickets (deep down it was way more than that) and he decided to dump me. I was devastated but read about the no contact rule and was like "I'm gonna get him back". I am not an argumentative person so was shocked with tj argument and was like "I can fix this".

 

A month went past I didn't contact him. Then another and along came Xmas. I still didn't.

 

Don't get me wrong I was tempted but knew no good would come from us getting back together. I was upset when he didn't text merry Xmas or Happy New year. Looking back now I'm glad he didn't.

 

8 months later I met him at the train station. He walked up to me. Spoke to me at the platform and got on my train and spoke to me the entire time. He sat next to me the entire journey I was slightly annoyed about. The conversation was easy and it felt like old times. But I just didn't have those feelings anymore!

 

After the hurt of the breakup. I was happy with myself. There was a lot wrong with the relationship that I could only see months later once I hit the acceptance stage.

 

I was so happy with myself and life. I stopped missing him.

 

If I didn't get over him I may have reached out when I was ready.

 

I'm happy I never did as I am so much better without him.

 

Sorry for the essay. I'm just letting you see that no contact is a beautiful thing. Gives you perspective to move on.

 

I do believe if you still miss him in a couple months from now. If the relationship wasn't abusive then you can reach out.

 

But right now focus on you.

 

He did reach out weeks later after we met. He messaged me on fb. He never had fb when we was together but got it and messaged me. He wanted to meet and give it a go again. He even said he was shocked I never reached out and hoped I would have one day. I declined meeting him and said I no longer wish to message him. We haven't spoke back since.

 

It's true when people say dumpers do come back eventually. But they often come back when it's too late.

 

I've become confident with myself. Out with the girls more and when I was ready I started dating. All in all I grew from the whole experience.

 

Use this time to grow.

[ineedahug]

Wow, you know I’ve heard that so many times. That they come back when you’ve moved on. You know that actually kind of scares me lol because it almost makes me sad inside. You know that they don’t want you when you want them. Love is crazy. At what point of NC did you decide that it wasn’t worth getting him back? Also is he stubborn? My ex was so that’s why I’m afraid if I don’t reach out first he never will. But I’m so conflicted also I kind of rebounded a little (just sex) with someone but stopped because it made me miss my ex even more so I’m scared I may never be able to date for a while.

[Jellybean9]

He was one of the most stubborn men I know, he probably still is. So stubborn all he had to do was on thing and I think we would have still been together! But he refused to do it.

 

It was his stubborness which led to him not messaging me all those months. Like I said when he bumped into to him. He said he had hoped I would message. He also said the fact he dumped me he felt he had no right to reach out to me. He felt if I wanted to talk to him I would.

 

So yes his stubborness prevented him from doing so.

 

This is why I said if I a couple of months you still feel the same reach out. You may not feel the same by then and be glad you didn't.

 

It is okay to rebound. Everyone is different with how they deal with things. But no need to be scared about not dating for a while. It is best when reeling from a breakup to be single.

 

I dates only a month after I broke up with that ex. Nothing happened with him. It was just a first date. I cried on the train journey home. I knew I wasn't ready and took some time out.

 

I was over him by like a 4 month mark. I'm not sure what clicked for me. I just became so happy with myself and where I was in life. Realised I was better off without him.

 

Met someone I didn't think I would connect with like 10 months after the breakup.

 

Where I was in an emotionally stable state of mind. When that didn't work out. I got over it.

 

I personally didn't think I would be so comfortable with someone else. Felt way more connected to that guy than I did with my ex. So you'll be surprised what really is out there.

 

There is plenty of fish as they say

[ineedahug]

He was one of the most stubborn men I know, he probably still is. So stubborn all he had to do was on thing and I think we would have still been together! But he refused to do it.

 

It was his stubborness which led to him not messaging me all those months. Like I said when he bumped into to him. He said he had hoped I would message. He also said the fact he dumped me he felt he had no right to reach out to me. He felt if I wanted to talk to him I would.

 

I know I said this again but wow, you'd think that especially from most perspectives that the dumper SHOULD be the one to reach out first since they were the ones that said they were done. I kind of wonder if that's what my ex thinks? And do you think had he reached out first you would have been together?

[Jellybean9]

I would have probably given it a go. But... I wouldn't probably be with him no.

 

As the same problems would have popped up and we would have ended things.

 

I don't know the ins and outs of what you argued about before and then the drunken night. Sorry I should have read more.

 

But if it's something big you can't fix. Then personally I wouldn't fight to keep it.

 

Honestly see how you feel after Xmas and New year.

 

If by then you feel the same reach out!

 

I know a lot of people worry. What if they move on! You have to think it they do... They obviously didn't feel the same way you did.

[ineedahug]

I’m sorry for asking so many questions! Just a curious/hopeful girl. Tbh if he doesn’t reach our by new years which would have been 6 weeks I might reach out after 8. If he doesn’t respond I might just let it go and finally move on completely :( thanks for the help and support thought

[Jellybean9]

No need to be sorry.

 

I completely understand. I was in your position over a year ago. So I get it.

 

That's a good mind set. Something I did on the beginning. Was like "I'll give it till January". Then I decided not to.

 

So if you still feel the need. Go with it. Just try not to get upset if you don't hear back. Take from it at least you tried.

 

I do believe in not living in regret.

 

Best of luck.

 

I do hope it works out for you. Would be nice to have a success story

[ineedahug]

Wait so there's been an update. I would love some advice and don't know if this is worth starting a new thread. I saw my close friends who attended one of his frat parties this part saturday. She told me he went up to her and was being super super friendly which is unusual since he knows this is my good friend. He also started asking her about me, such as why am I not at the party. HE ASKED HER WHERE I WAS (WHY WOULD HE THINK I WOULD GO THERE?). Thankfully she's a great friend and told him that if he wants to ask about me he should go to me. I just found this all so weird that he asked her how I was doing esp since he knew I would find out about this

Is he starting to regret the breakup?

[figureitout23]

Is it weird or is it you getting hopeful?

 

Look. I can only speak for myself but I will say I think it would be kinda cruel to tell you him mentioning you must mean he’s regretting the breakup.

 

Is it possible? Sure, it’s also possible he knows that she knows you and was simply making small talk. There is really no guarantee so it’s not wise to latch onto inaction. After reading all this I personally think you may as well rip the bandaid off and wish him a happy birthday and open a dialogue so you aren’t in limbo. The reason i say that is you clearly are not using NC as a means to move on but rather reconciliation, there’s nothing wrong with that, I think if this is your goal you should go for it, eyes wide open and prepared for whatever outcome.

[ineedahug]

After reading all this I personally think you may as well rip the bandaid off and wish him a happy birthday and open a dialogue so you aren’t in limbo. The reason i say that is you clearly are not using NC as a means to move on but rather reconciliation, there’s nothing wrong with that, I think if this is your goal you should go for it, eyes wide open and prepared for whatever outcome.

 

I really appreciate another perspective thank you :) As for the birthday I think I'm okay for now for not messaging him. You are right I would absolutely love reconciliation and I made that clear, but who knows it seems like most people here wait some time and then before they know it, they no longer want their ex back but that's only if they stick with NC. That's part of why I'd like to keep going with it esp since it's way too soon to break it. If I contact him too soon he might see it as desperate which is unattractive and I already did a lot of that after the BU. I know it's a little crazy to think just because he spoke about me means he wants me back. I guess what I mean is, he's not the type to just like do that. Ya know go up to my closest friend and talk to her and ask her all these questions about me. A simple how is "my name" doing I understand to make small talk but he's seen her before and completely ignored her since he knows we are close friends so for him to initiate convo isn't like him esp post BU.

[MissCanuck]

OP, you need to ask yourself why you would love to reconcile, exactly.

 

It doesn't sound like he's a prize boyfriend. Do you really want to go back for more of the same? It appears he needs to mature and have his fun before he will be ready to commit to a serious relationship.

[ineedahug]

He wasn't the perfect boyfriend yes, he did have his flaws but he still had so many amazing qualities. I guess why I want to reconcile is because there was no super outstanding reason for us to end. Such as abuse, or cheating, or anything. I don't want to give up on love so easily if there was no reason to besides some fights :( yes he does have to mature but at the same time everyone else around our age (we are both 20) needs time to grow up and into a serious relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he pities you and knows you are moping around licking your wounds wishing he would come back. However, he has not contacted you, did not invite you to the party and apparently is out having fun with other girls who were invited to the party.

 

Try to pull yourself together. Stay no contact. Take any hearsay with a grain of salt that friends are trying to be supportive. Why not start dating other guys? Surely the campus and dating apps are loaded with guys you could date.

I saw my close friends who attended one of his frat parties this part saturday. He also started asking her about me, such as why am I not at the party.

[Jellybean9]

He wasn't the perfect boyfriend yes, he did have his flaws but he still had so many amazing qualities. I guess why I want to reconcile is because there was no super outstanding reason for us to end. Such as abuse, or cheating, or anything. I don't want to give up on love so easily if there was no reason to besides some fights :( yes he does have to mature but at the same time everyone else around our age (we are both 20) needs time to grow up and into a serious relationship.

 

You are young! I know it's hard to see but there are other guys out there. Ones you would barely have fights with.

 

Guys at that age I feel do need to be single. Come into their own. I think I would advise my younger brother to be single for his uni life.

 

That said some people meet their future life partners at uni.

 

So we never really know.

 

Right now you are single. I do feel you need to accept that.

 

He would ask your friend. As wether you are the dumper or dumpee you will always be curious of that person you spent a significant amount of time with.

 

Your friends did well not telling him about you.

 

Also he is stubborn like you said. But if he really really wanted to see how you are doing he would message.

 

He could just say "I saw so and so and they said this".

 

Right now I would stay strong.

 

Give yourself some time being single. Until you are ready to date again.

 

Like I said if he is still about in a couple months time. Then why not reach out. Just don't make it your focus right now.

 

Good luck :)