Life is hard with a kid

[mustlovedogs]

That's what I'd like to know too. Is MS actually diagnosed by a qualified professional, or is this just a random "internet diagnosis"?

 

It’s diagnosed...

 

He had a post about a recent lesion development.

 

MS gets misdiagnosed (MISSED) by neurologists all the time. I doubt anyone would self diagnose without seeing a doctor...

[Capricorn3]

It’s diagnosed...

 

He had a post about a recent lesion development.

 

MS gets misdiagnosed (MISSED) by neurologists all the time. I doubt anyone would self diagnose without seeing a doctor...

Thank you. I missed that post. So there is a lesion, but does that automatically mean you have MS? That's where I am stuck on - was MS actually confirmed by a neurologist, or is everyone just guessing/assuming that he "must have MS"? Not arguing, just want clarification.

 

(As to self-diagnosis: over the many years on ENA, we have had many many people who believe they have some kind of illness but never been to a doctor and never got a professional opinion. They just believed and "knew" they had something wrong. Again, not arguing, just seen this a lot on ENA and that's why ask for clarification).

[catfeeder]

Plenty of sympathy from me, and I believe that it's easy to perceive a bit too much 'shoulding' about children. I'd mentally challenge that to find your level of comfort between stereotypical extremes. There is no need to cater to some imagined judge and jury in your head merely because you haven't found some imagined sweet spot of parental bliss.

 

I can recall a time when media set me up to believe that the work world was a hostile and hyper-competitive place, even while reality taught me that people are voluntarily generous--even when there's nothing in it for them. I started leaning into my learned experience around socially charged situations, and I found my observations to be true: people are less poised to judge and find fault than you may have been conditioned to believe.

 

They are also NOT commonly blissful in comparison--and that's important to grasp to avoid feeling isolated.

 

my wife doesn't want to leave her somewhere where she'll not be comfortable.

 

I'd challenge this, too. I'd do a bit of research and save it to present as a case to wife that catering to a toddler's 'comfort' deprives her of learning self-soothing as a skill. The more caretakers to which a toddler is exposed, the more open and socially comfortable she is likely to become.

 

So that's about your wife's limited vision rather than any actual harm to baby--and that's what's hemming you in. You're quick to target yourself as a villain who defers to wife's expertise, except that her knowledge is selective and caters to her OWN comforts rather than what's actually beneficial to baby--and to you--and ultimately, to herself.

 

I'd consider using your company benefits to pursue talk therapy, and even marriage-and-family counseling to support you in encouraging wife to be more flexible with temporary baby care.

 

While throwing money at problems isn't always the best solution, throwing some wisely can buy you some inspiring leisure time along with some office visits to one or more professionals who can objectively assess your mental, emotional and physical health, and support your marriage through growth periods where wife needs to expand her scope, and without setting yourself up as the 'bad guy' who delivers unwelcome challenges to wife's overly-protective cocoon.

 

People have no trouble hiring experts for plumbing or taxes or other practical matters, but what could be more practical than your quality of life? I'd spring for expert assessments and support in EVERY AREA of your life that you find troublesome. Invest in learning from people who know their stuff and are trained to help you unlock something that moves a brick in your wall.

 

Head high.

[Mr.Mister]

A couple of years of hard work, but I've heard from everyone that it gets soooo much easier the older the kids get.

 

I've heard this too. That's what I'm waiting for. Thanks.

 

I know a mom in my friend circle who is from Japan and from what I can tell they practice strong attachment parenting where the child sleeps in the family bed for many years sometimes. Is it possible your wife may fall into that category?

 

Yes. Hit the nail on the head there. Our baby has a crib, but usually sleeps between us in bed for at least part of the night. I have to keep my distance from my wife in bed, so that we can have space in between of us for our daughter, if she wakes up and won't sleep in the crib anymore, which adds to the feeling of being distant from my wife.

 

We have a baby sitter we rely on for a couple nights and it's great help for date nights.

 

Babysitters aren't really a thing here, and nursery schools are so congested that they are super expensive to get in for a day. There are lots of rules too. Even so, as I mentioned, we do have a family friend that would take care of her for a short time, but we did that one time since we had our girl, and my wife spent the whole date worried about her; she couldn't relax.

 

I also go out to meet friends at night when my daughter is asleep and my fiance watches her.

 

Work culture here is crazy, so no time to go out with friends, though that doesn't really interest me anyway. I don't really get vacation time, and, the days I do get off, are usually spent watching the kid so my wife can get stuff done that she couldn't do because she's watching the kid all day. She's exhausted all the time, so she needs the break.

[Mr.Mister]

Not arguing, just want clarification.

 

I was diagnosed with MS 12 years ago, after a spinal tap and MRI results, after having optic neuritis. So, yes, I have MS. Also, I have a lot more than one lesion, as you have to have at least like 10 lesions to be diagnosed with MS. I believe I have just over 20, though I haven't had an MRI in many years.

[Mr.Mister]

The more caretakers to which a toddler is exposed, the more open and socially comfortable she is likely to become.

 

This is a good suggestion. Thank you. Maybe I can use this to convince my wife to let our friend take care of her while we go on a date. That'd be nice. :)

[Capricorn3]

I was diagnosed with MS 12 years ago, after a spinal tap and MRI results, after having optic neuritis. So, yes, I have MS. Also, I have a lot more than one lesion, as you have to have at least like 10 lesions to be diagnosed with MS. I believe I have just over 20, though I haven't had an MRI in many years.

 

Thanks for the clarification. Much appreciated.

[Batya33]

This is a good suggestion. Thank you. Maybe I can use this to convince my wife to let our friend take care of her while we go on a date. That'd be nice. :)

 

In our case we found that it wasn't about caretakers but being exposed to toddlers her own age around the time that parallel play became more of playing together. So we went to a lot of the library story times, toddler art classes at the museum, the playground -and just being out and about on a daily basis -we rarely stayed in one place or "at home".

 

We also exposed him to many other adults on a regular basis -family, family friends, neighbors, music teacher, art teacher - even though we were supervising and the main caretakers. I do not believe toddlers have to be left with adult caretakers as part of socialization. I do believe some parents like to do that for self-care which of course they deserve. Other parents find ways for alone time when the child is napping/sleeping, etc.

 

I also think it's really important that the child get used to being alone with each of the parents in a two parent family. But not for socialization reasons. Older children who are in a school setting need to learn that they also must listen to teachers and teacher-like people and follow the rules appropriate to the environment they are in whether or not the parents are around.

 

Some parents start what they call "school" when children are toddlers (i.e. certain daycares are referred to as "school" - I am talking about more like nursery/pre-k and up as "school") and also have drop off classes for toddlers/pre-school age children. From what I've seen as a former daycare teacher and now a parent, before 2 years old it's mostly parallel play and it's good for toddlers to be around other kids, especially within their age range give or take and after that once more interactive play starts it's great to have those activities whether a parent is supervising or a caretaker.

 

I do think you and your wife can use a date night and I would find a good sitter/trusted family member/family friend. We had a long list of things like phone numbers to call in case of emergency, description of child's routine, etc to aid in the transition. It's what our sitter -and IMO a good sitter of such a young child - asks for from the parents.

[Seraphim]

I was so glad when my son turned about 15 and could care for himself for a few hours. My son has a developmental disability and wouldn’t stay with anyone but my mom. It made life so that he went with us everywhere. Now he’s 21 and we can only leave a few days at a time but at least it’s a few days together .

[itsallgrand]

If the baby sleeps in bed with you, are you guys not having sex either?!

[Mr.Mister]

If the baby sleeps in bed with you, are you guys not having sex either?!

 

She sleeps in her crib, at first, so we can fool around or whatever we want then. Even so, I come arrive home from work kind of late, and often my wife wants to get to bed earlier, since our baby gets up at 7am, regardless.

 

So, it doesn't happen as much as my wife would like, but it's a decent amount. Even so, after we are done, we kind of separate on the bed, so there will be room for our girl to sleep if she wakes up in the middle of the night. I'd often prefer to just cuddle with my wife to sleep.

[catfeeder]

This is a good suggestion. Thank you. Maybe I can use this to convince my wife to let our friend take care of her while we go on a date. That'd be nice. :)

 

Consider leaving articles from experts around that support your ideas rather challenging wife with them. A helicopter mom isn't going to let go of her anxiety or take suggestions well, so you'll need to avoid creating a power struggle.

 

Don't try to 'win,' as that sets her up to dig in to prevent a 'loss' rather than feeling supported. Leaving stuff offhandedly on the counter or in the bathroom as though it's something you're in the middle of reading can prompt her to be nosy and then consider the material for herself.

 

Allowing wife to credit herself with good ideas rather than making a contest out of them is the best way for you BOTH to win.

[Seraphim]

Co-sleeping is something North America has a very hard time with that other cultures find very normal. I co-slept until my son was about 3 . He decided he was done and went to his own bed never to return.