When will it end?

[leaht6]

So about a year and 9 months ago... I got dumped by my ex of 3 years. I was a crazy alcoholic at the time, so I pushed him to the point of leaving me. Nowadays, I deal with a lot of negative feelings towards myself and him on a daily basis. The last time I spoke to him (5 months ago) was awkward and I felt that he had asked to meet up bc he felt like he owed me something (I bailed him out of jail a few days before that). I haven’t spoken to him since, because I really want to move on. About 5 months and 3 weeks ago, I made the decision to get sober, because I wanted to stop self-loathing and feel positive about myself. I take care of myself nowadays, I’m back in school, I eat healthy, I work out, but that all seems to become meaningless to me when my ex makes his way into my head. I feel pathetic because we’ve been broken up for a while, I still dream about him, I still think of him daily, and it’s really annoying because i don’t keep up with him. I don’t even have social media to keep tabs on his life nor would I want to inflict that pain on myself, I’m just ready to move on. I know I’ve made progress but when will it just completely stop?? I don’t date because I don’t have social media to put myself out there. I only go to work, school, a small church, and the gym so the chances of meeting someone are pretty slim. Either way, I’m not over my ex. I know he’s over me, he doesn’t even think of me, and I’m ready to feel the same. I want to let go but I don’t know how. I’m sick of hoping one day his phone number will appear on my phone, I’m sick of wasting my thoughts on him, and I’m sick of letting it affect my self-esteem. I can still feel his rejection, and sadly I won’t forget it. I guess I’m just looking for someone to reassure me that the day will come when he no longer crosses my mind. Or maybe I’m just venting here because I have no friends to talk to like a normal person. How do I let go of my crappy past? How do I stop hoping that one day he’ll return and let me show him that I’m different than the person he left?

[isitok]

When those thoughts come back into your mind, stop thinking about the past and force yourself to imagine your future. Keep thinking about the way that you are building yourself and how it will benefit your future. Meeting him or bailing him out when you still have these feelings is a huge step backward compared to all of your small steps forward. You may not have 100% control over what thoughts cross your mind, but you do have 100% control over what thoughts you let linger in your mind and affect your mood. When you have made the decision for yourself to move on, you will move on, but at this point, it really seems like you're unsure or unwilling to make that permanent decision.

[Hollyj]

Why was he bailed out of jail?

[Hollyj]

I think that you should focus on your recovery and not dating. I would wait at least a year. You don;t have to have someone in your life.

 

I do not see any mention of a social life and friends?

[Wiseman2]

Focus on your sobriety and new healthier life. Get ongoing support. What were the charges against him? Were they drug/alcohol related? Did he pay you back? Read up on trauma bonding. Don't waste your time trying or hoping to "prove" anything to him. Focus on dealing with clean sober people with no arrest records.

I bailed him out of jail a few days before that. I made the decision to get sober

[DanZee]

Let's face it, you need friends. I don't just mean boyfriends, I mean friends. Are there anybody at school, church, the gym or at work you can be friends with? I mean, you seem to have a lot of people around you. Maybe you need to start talking to some of them.

[TeddyPSmith]

I would start by telling yourself that you’re doing really well in your life, all things considered. Remind yourself of this often. You could also say things to yourself such as “I still love him and miss him and that’s ok. It’s perfectly normal to have feelings for someone, even after they’re rejected me. It doesn’t mean I am a faulty person.”

 

I would focus on constantly providing the validation and love for yourself that you have been looking to him to provide. It is ok to feel this strongly about someone. It happens to people all the time. And it SUCKS! But the plus side (even if you can’t see it) is that you’re capable of loving very deeply. You may also learn the skill of emotional resiliency.

 

I don’t know if this helps you at all. It’s something I started doing when I was backed up against a wall of severe depression with no other options. It helps. Self acceptance and self love heals. Good luck to you!

[No1]

Seems like there is a lot going on your mind. Guilt, lack of forgiveness, regret, hope, denial, self punishment, lack of esteem, worth and self confidence.

I think a few sessions with a therapist would do wonders for you. Too much to tackle in one session or even on here, but you reached out and that is a great start. This is from what see mind you.. But even tho you say the right things about your X how you want to let go and move on, your heart isn't ready. I don't know if its denial that its over, but there is a part that just refuses to let go. You have equated of letting go to failure or to giving up hope or if you just hang on then the good memories or the possibility of having that again goes away. So when you progress, your heart goes back to its little hole trying to hold on to the good times in hopes that one day you can have that again. Hey, that's what I see. Letting go of the relationship doesn't mean failure or lost hope, or that you will never ever be happy again. All that you are doing is letting go of the relationship. You can find love, happiness, fulfillment with someone else and you can make wonderful memories and have a great life. Or maybe you hold on to apologize or a want or need to make up for your mistakes or you need forgiveness from your X. I don't know.

 

 

We all make mistakes in relationships. You have to forgive yourself, but don't forget the mistakes you made and try not to do them again. You cant go back and do them over again with your X, but what you can do is not make that same mistake on your next relationship. That's how you make up for it. So maybe you have some guilt still that you just haven't let go. Please.. forgive yourself. And rather than looking back at what happened, focus on what you are doing today. You are doing so well, you are doing things to make you happy and that should be commended. That's a great thing and there are a lot of people that would just give up. But no, you didn't, you fought and you should be proud of yourself.

 

 

I think its because of this burden you carry is why your mind drags you back down when you feel like you are doing good. Maybe you don't feel worthy of being happy or you don't deserve it. I don't know, but in there somewhere you have tied yourself to the dock of misery when you don't have to be. You and you alone can cut this line and you have to look within yourself as to why you still tied to this dock. Sometimes to move forward we have to really be honest with ourselves and that scares the hell out of us. Seems like you are doing a good job, but you are avoiding some doors and those doors are holding you back. You are doing good. Be proud

[RayRay63]

It will end when you engage in activities that both occupy yur time, and improve your general skills as a person.

 

Things you do for ... well you work it out.