Honeycomb8 Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 How do you know if you're that sorta person? Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 How do you know if you're that sorta person? Hmm, when talking about your feelings for a man makes you uncomfortable, or when a man talking about his feelings for you, makes you uncomfortable? When you'd rather banter and be playful than talk about deep subjects involving emotion or feelings? When you intentionally create barriers between you and a man to avoid emotional intimacy? Link to comment
Honeycomb8 Posted October 11, 2018 Author Share Posted October 11, 2018 I'm beginning to think I have those problems lol. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 It can be more subtle too. Like if you choose consistently dead end relationships where you know it's unlikely to work out from the get go. For example, getting involved with someone who is going to move away soon. Getting involved with someone who is themselves emotionally unavailable and pretty much tells you so - he isn't good for relationships - instead of running for the hills, you stick around. Basically, if you have a history of choosing fixer upper relationships and emotionally unavailable partners, odds are good that you are yourself emotionally unavailable, just not conscious of it. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 It can be more subtle too. Like if you choose consistently dead end relationships where you know it's unlikely to work out from the get go. For example, getting involved with someone who is going to move away soon. Getting involved with someone who is themselves emotionally unavailable and pretty much tells you so - he isn't good for relationships - instead of running for the hills, you stick around. Basically, if you have a history of choosing fixer upper relationships and emotionally unavailable partners, odds are good that you are yourself emotionally unavailable, just not conscious of it. Yes, yes, yes. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 I'm beginning to think I have those problems lol. I can relate, but I now seriously believe that when you meet that right man who awakens something inside of you, something that has perhaps been buried but crying to come out, someone who has literally tapped into your soul, you won't be uncomfortable anymore. It will all feel very natural, and you'll wonder why you were so uncomfortable or what you were so afraid of. Oh man that was pretty deep, wasn't it. lol Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 It can be more subtle too. Like if you choose consistently dead end relationships where you know it's unlikely to work out from the get go. For example, getting involved with someone who is going to move away soon. Getting involved with someone who is themselves emotionally unavailable and pretty much tells you so - he isn't good for relationships - instead of running for the hills, you stick around. Basically, if you have a history of choosing fixer upper relationships and emotionally unavailable partners, odds are good that you are yourself emotionally unavailable, just not conscious of it. I thought this related more to commitment-phobia, but maybe CP and EA are actually one in the same? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 It can be more subtle too. Like if you choose consistently dead end relationships where you know it's unlikely to work out from the get go. For example, getting involved with someone who is going to move away soon. Getting involved with someone who is themselves emotionally unavailable and pretty much tells you so - he isn't good for relationships - instead of running for the hills, you stick around. Basically, if you have a history of choosing fixer upper relationships and emotionally unavailable partners, odds are good that you are yourself emotionally unavailable, just not conscious of it. Yes, I also agree with this. I think playful banter can be emotionally available -the unavailable part comes if you never want to go deeper and constantly reject your partner's attempts to go deeper(with the caveat that timing matters too - often people have to be in the mood/the right headspace to speak of deeper feelings/be vulnerable and some feel more comfortable starting with banter, lighthearted topics). Also it can be person dependent of course -so, you're not "emotionally unavailable" you just don't click with that person -that person doesn't inspire you to open up or has done or not done something that triggers you to self-protect/keep your distance. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 I thought this related more to commitment-phobia Maybe you are right about that. Although, I think commitment phobia can be a way of remaining emotionally unavailable. For example, if you know it's temporary, your feelings don't develop very deeply. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 How do you know if you're that sorta person? Check out baggagereclaim.com The site is dedicated to it. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 One example, is someone who fast forwards a relationship, then soon bails when you return feelings. The chase is over and now they have to step up to the plate. They are out of there. They are also the king/queens of excuse makers. You can also be on the periphery of their life: the secret. Why the trust issues? Have you considered counseling? It sucks to be on the receiving end of this, but it makes one recognize that they are also emotionally unavailable, or they would not deal with this dynamic. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 I can relate, but I now seriously believe that when you meet that right man who awakens something inside of you, something that has perhaps been buried but crying to come out, someone who has literally tapped into your soul, you won't be uncomfortable anymore. It will all feel very natural, and you'll wonder why you were so uncomfortable or what you were so afraid of. Oh man that was pretty deep, wasn't it. lol I agree!!!!!!! Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 I agree!!!!!!! Thank you!! It's good to know I am not totally whacked out, lol. See what I just did? I got uncomfortable with what I just wrote, so followed it up with a joke! That could be me still being a bit uncomfortable with expressing deep emotion, even though I believe what I wrote to be 100% true!! Link to comment
DancingFool Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 I thought this related more to commitment-phobia, but maybe CP and EA are actually one in the same? Almost but not quite. It's kind of a every true commitment phobe is also emotionally unavailable, but not every emotionally unavailable person is a commitment phobe. Someone emotionally unavailable can very well commit to a relationship of sorts....it's just arm's length and on their terms only. As long as their partner will also remain somewhat detached or simply comply with the arm's length terms, they may very well stay in this kind of a quasi relationship for years without ever becoming fully invested. Emotional unavailability is also not necessarily some life long affliction. It can be temporary - such as moved to a new area, new job, a person's mind and focus is simply elsewhere. It can definitely be because they are in the wrong relationship and choose the convenience and comfort of the good for now person, but never quite open up for more until they meet the right person. Can be deeper issues as well. Basically, it can be transitional, temporary, or circumstantial, or deeper ongoing/lifelong emotional issues that require some digging into and fixing. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 Thank you!! It's good to know I am not totally whacked out, lol. See what I just did? I got uncomfortable with what I just wrote, so followed it up with a joke! That could be me still being a bit uncomfortable with expressing deep emotion, even though I believe what I wrote to be 100% true!! That's okay. We all do it. I am a former member of that club. Realization was life changing. No more jerks! Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 ^^ I think EA people might do that too. Express a deep emotion/feeling and then follow it up with a joke or just disappear for awhile. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 Check out baggagereclaim.com The site is dedicated to it. I agree, excellent site. I think the obvious typical emotionally unavailable types, the ones who refuse to settle down, to commit, 9 times out of 10, it’s the person chasing them despite being told ‘no’ are the ones who are actually emotionally unavailable. The people with the upper hand, the ability to choose, I don’t know, I don’t necessarily buy that they’re always emotionally unavailable sometimes they straight up don’t want you, but are ok with the free sex or/and attention. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 ^^ I think EA people might do that too. Express a deep emotion/feeling and then follow it up with a joke or just disappear for awhile. Yes. We all do it. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 Almost but not quite. It's kind of a every true commitment phobe is also emotionally unavailable, but not every emotionally unavailable person is a commitment phobe. Someone emotionally unavailable can very well commit to a relationship of sorts....it's just arm's length and on their terms only. As long as their partner will also remain somewhat detached or simply comply with the arm's length terms, they may very well stay in this kind of a quasi relationship for years without ever becoming fully invested. Good point. It brings to mind the stereotype where an overly attentive wife caters to a stoic, remote husband. But there are so many other ways for this to play out. Many times it involves a struggle for validation, where one person wants validation badly (and often hides that need) and the other withholds the validation. I see it on these forums all the time. I think this pattern is actually somewhat encouraged in our society, where no one wants to appear needy. Link to comment
DanZee Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 Well, you keep to yourself. You don't talk to people. You don't care about other people. You don't feel much. Link to comment
Honeycomb8 Posted October 12, 2018 Author Share Posted October 12, 2018 In the last 5 or so years, I’ve loved one person. Let’s call him M. M and I had a very intense relationship for nearly 3 years (which ended start of last last year), and it was dramatic and toxic in lots of ways. Despite these issues, I stuck around because I loved him whole heartedly and wanted a future. He fed me a lot of lies and knew how to manipulate the situation and my emotions. I broke up with him a couple of times due to various reasons bc I always felt alittle up in the air with him. He would then try relentlessly to get me back and we'd get back together again. Towards the end of the relationship, I find out he truly didn’t believe in marriage (had commitment phobia), didn’t want kids and I felt alittle taken advantage of as he was singing a different tune (on some level) and I felt duped. I wanted marriage with this guy and he knew that. That completely broke my heart. There was a lot of post relationship drama but we no longer talk as I’ve cut him off. Last year I got involved with a guy who ended up telling me he was going to move overseas (working visa) and for some reason, both of us got attached. He was a really great guy and he wanted to try long distance, but I wasn’t keen. It really sucked when he left. Somehow though, in the last year, we’ve grown to be really close friends, I keep consistent contact with him (chat on whatsapp call with him for hours once a month or so) and it’s purely a platonic thing. For some reason he’s a lot more open with me now but I guess that’s another story altogether. After that, I met a guy (calling him D) who must have had issues of his own. He was 10 months out of a 4 year relationship. We had a lot of fundamental differences and being very religious, he was controlling but he treated me wonderfully. I had a big connection with him and he came full force towards me. After 3 or 4 short months he was very serious about me and met my parents and was very integrated into my life. He was an absolute gentleman and I really thought everything that happened in the past happened in that way because I was meant to meet him. I felt like I was falling in love. Anyway…It all ended up ending though abruptly because of our differences (he was extremely religious and very conservative/narrow minded) and he basically disappeared on me suddenly. I felt a lot of hurt and disappointment over that and I lost a lot of trust because of what happened-I really thought we were going to have a future and he was such a good guy. This year, I dated a guy for a few months. He treated me really well, but I didn’t get attached to him. Like the last two guys, he was a good catch. Though after breaking up with him I felt nothing. You can read my other thread to get more details. I do tend to lose interest in people quite easily and with people that are harder to get, I seem to find that as intriguing. I think after what happened with that guy from years ago, I can never forget the feeling of disappointment and hurt and seem to evade that subconsciously. With religious dude, I was really letting down my guard, but due to the nature of how cowardly he acted eventually, it instilled in me this fear of disappointment. I don’t know what to do. I do want to be vulnerable but it scares me. I can’t be bothered most of the time but some parts of me wishes to feel the intensity of how I used to feel. I get asked out often but it mostly bothers me. I honestly just want someone I could love and I just want a serious relationship that will end up in marriage, but then I think about what happened with D and M and I recoil. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 Sooo.... 1) Toxic, didn't want what you want in life, not on the same page 2) Was moving away, so wasn't going to work 3) Fundamental religious differences so totally doomed from the get go 4) Not that into him You say these guys were a great catch....buuut....huh? Not one single one of them was any kind of a great catch. At least not for you. Link to comment
Honeycomb8 Posted October 12, 2018 Author Share Posted October 12, 2018 Well, you keep to yourself. You don't talk to people. You don't care about other people. You don't feel much. I'm actually quite social and have a busy life. I'm quite confident in myself and have good boundaries. I would say I'm overly sensitive and do care a lot about people. It's just with relationship sorta things that make me feel uneasy. Link to comment
Honeycomb8 Posted October 12, 2018 Author Share Posted October 12, 2018 The last three guys were great guys, because they all treated me really well and were super great on paper I guess. Link to comment
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