What are the signs of someone emotionally unavailable?

[DancingFool]

The last three guys were great guys, because they all treated me really well and were super great on paper I guess.

 

......Like I said, not one of them was a great catch for you. I think you need to reconsider your definition of great catch. Treat you well should be....I don't know....one of those basic threshold things, almost a given. You kind of have to look beyond that a little. A narc can be charming and treat you very well....at first....so can all other kinds of assorted pathological/psycho/socio whatever's. If you only focus on so little, you are in for a world of hurt.

[Jibralta]

The last three guys were great guys, because they all treated me really well and were super great on paper I guess.

 

But each one came with a major obstacle that stood in the way of a successful relationship.

[Honeycomb8]

I didn't realise that the conservative nature was that big of a deal. I'm not very religious so didn't think it would affect them that much. That's something you discover after spending more time with them.

[Honeycomb8]

......Like I said, not one of them was a great catch for you. I think you need to reconsider your definition of great catch. Treat you well should be....I don't know....one of those basic threshold things, almost a given. You kind of have to look beyond that a little. A narc can be charming and treat you very well....at first....so can all other kinds of assorted pathological/psycho/socio whatever's. If you only focus on so little, you are in for a world of hurt.

 

I think M seemed narcissistic but the other 3 were normal guys. I'm not going diagnose them with any term because it wasn't like that. They were good guys, despite the issues.

[Jibralta]

I think M seemed narcissistic but the other 3 were normal guys. I'm not going diagnose them with any term because it wasn't like that. They were good guys, despite the issues.

 

Nobody is saying they are not good guys. We are just saying that they look like great prospects from the perspective of someone who subconsciously avoids getting attached.

[figureitout23]

I think M seemed narcissistic but the other 3 were normal guys. I'm not going diagnose them with any term because it wasn't like that. They were good guys, despite the issues.

 

Yeah, sometimes people just aren’t a good match.

 

It think it’s better you are able to sift through and hold your boundaries and expectations vs clinging to the first guy who passes you by.

 

That means you aren’t wasting your time on bad matches!

[Honeycomb8]

Good point. It brings to mind the stereotype where an overly attentive wife caters to a stoic, remote husband. But there are so many other ways for this to play out. Many times it involves a struggle for validation, where one person wants validation badly (and often hides that need) and the other withholds the validation. I see it on these forums all the time. I think this pattern is actually somewhat encouraged in our society, where no one wants to appear needy.

 

That's an interesting point. I think that was the dynamic back then with M. I wasn't emotionally healthy then and since have worked through a lot of my issues. I think he would give it to me in doses and then out of fear would pull away. He was always afraid I'd cheat on him so held back often until we broke up.

[katrina1980]

I'm actually quite social and have a busy life. I'm quite confident in myself and have good boundaries. I would say I'm overly sensitive and do care a lot about people.

 

It's just with relationship sorta things that make me feel uneasy.

 

HC, I am going to repost what I posted earlier, cause I seriously believe it's 100% true. You are still very young, when you meet "that" guy, which you might not even meet till your 30s or older, your heart will OPEN and your discomfort with emotional expression, giving and receiving, will dissipate, I promise!

 

I was very much like you and it happened to me, so I know. Not saying you won't be nervous or scared, but the feelings, the emotion will just pour right out of you, you'll wonder where they've all been hiding!

 

 

I can relate, but I now seriously believe that when you meet that right man who awakens something inside of you, something that has perhaps been buried but crying to come out, someone who has literally tapped into your soul, you won't be uncomfortable anymore.

 

It will all feel very natural, and you'll wonder why you were so uncomfortable or what you were so afraid of.

 

[katrina1980]

And you won't cringe anymore either when receiving one of those overly sappy Hallmark cards lol, or a romantic poem or a song that reflects how he feels, it will warm you and comfort you.

 

It may even move you to tears but it won't make you uncomfortable and it won't scare you.

[Batya33]

And you won't cringe anymore either when receiving one of those overly sappy Hallmark cards lol, or a romantic poem or a song that reflects how he feels, it will warm you and comfort you.

 

It may even move you to tears but it won't make you uncomfortable and it won't scare you.

 

 

I agree that when you become the right person to find the right person it can work that way. I do not agree that it’s typical for that to happen “to” someone who is scared of opening up - obviously there are exceptions including the damsel in distress stories where the woman who is struggling in some way and her heart is all closed off is awakened by passion to be open and fall in love because he is the “right guy”.

 

What’s far more typical - and far healthier and longer lasting- in my opinion -is a woman who is in a place of being emotionally available whether she is 17 or 37 or 77 and meets a person she has chemistry with and clicks with and who inspires her to open up and give love - because he is also healthy and wants a relationship for the right reasons.

 

I love those stories of a closed off person just needing the “right “ person who is hot and also has the key to her heart - and certainly there are very happy long marriages and relationships where one person fondly recounts how he or she was shown the light and met him and stopped being scared because it was soooo “right “.

 

To me the real accomplishment is being a person who is already open and available and secure enough and confident enough so that accepting someone’s caring and loving actions doesn’t feel suffocating or needy because the other person offers from a confident place. Then of course you also need passion and chemistry to keep it going and to be the glue.

 

I have a friend who was a damsel in distress a few times over and fell for in one case a really strong and masculine guy who was also successful (and to me controlling). She came from a place of weakness because she already had two young kids by a drug addict who was in prison. She had a baby with her new husband. Now it’s 2-3 years later. When she felt stronger she had an affair - and of course he was controlling so that was her (wrong) reaction. So now she is basically homeless, lost custody of all her kids, had a drug issue from all of seems and is floundering in her early 30s. That is a very extreme example.

 

Less extreme are the more typical experiences of falling in love and not dealing with whether you’re truly available in a confident way or just going with the cloud mine. Then the dust settles and perhaps your life changes so you’re more stable or stronger or confident. And then the dynamic changes in a bad way because Mr Right is now the person you fell for when you were needy for someone to motivate you to open up and the main motivation was the sexual chemistry and that awesome feeling of clicking. But when things settle in and if you gain in confidence or have accomplishments outside of the relationship the glow is gone and without that strong pull all the time you don’t have the tools to be openin a healthy way or be inspired to be open. These are all just hypotheticals. I’m not referring to Katrina or anyone - just a combination of my experiences and what I’ve seen. I just don’t go for any passive car wash approach even though I’m certain exceptions itvowrks great and everyone defines what works for them in a relationship differently. I get it. Not saying her is what Katrina meant I just used her post as a jumping off point.

[DancingFool]

I think M seemed narcissistic but the other 3 were normal guys. I'm not going diagnose them with any term because it wasn't like that. They were good guys, despite the issues.

 

Just to clarify, I wasn't labeling or trying to label any of the guys you dated. My point is that you can run into people who can be seriously bad for you when your criteria is so narrow and limited. Every guy you go out with should treat you well and be good to you. However, that doesn't automatically make them compatible to you. You still have to look at important things like values, life goals, religious beliefs or lack of, things like children or no children, marriage or not, in some cases even political beliefs can be a problem if one person is extreme. On top of that, you have to get along on a day to day basis - communication frequency and style, time spent together, common interests, etc. There is really quite a long laundry list of things you have to match on or at least be able to tolerate each others differences on easily for a long term relationship to work.

[Honeycomb8]

Do you guys think it was because of M that I am the way I am?

I honestly feel like he wasted so much of my time and wish that I was stronger in letting him go when I could have.

 

The thing that happened with D really affected me because he proclaimed a lot, and backed it up with actions. I'm normally quite skeptical but he really made me trust him. Then one day he just abruptly disappeared. It was very confusing for me and I felt taken for a fool. I now realise he probably got scared and ran for it but it really did affect me because he was an amazing bf.

 

I think I never really got over that completely. So now I am again just distant and quite wary.