Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...

[figureitout23]

So instead of hijacking other peoples threads (sorry!) I'll start my own thread and hopefully get some input, its bad, I read through it and its a disaster but I'll let you guys decide.

 

So I've mentioned this, at the beginning of the summer I met a guy on a dating website. He originally asked me to join him with his friends. He asked the night of, so my immediate reaction was. I do not do same night invites! NEXT!. I brought the subject up to my friends and they told me I was being silly and it probably was spur of the moment and he probably just wanted to meet in a comfortable setting.

 

So I thought ok, I'll leave the door open. One evening I text him 'hey, how have you been' or maybe I said 'what are you up to?' he responds, I'm about to head out with some friends, would you like to join us?' or something along those line and I decide to go, awesome decision. We ended up having an amazing time.

 

The next morning he texts and asks if I want to meet up for lunch. I wasnt feeling well so I declined. The following day I ask him to dinner, he works super long hours so he declined. Turns out our schedules during the week dont mesh well, so we plan to meet on a Friday.

 

Red flag #1: We would text pretty basic stuff during the week, mainly plans for the weekend and some 'how was your day' type stuff, one evening I wasnt by my phone for a few hours. When I get to it I see several missed texts from this guy. He invites me out Saturday to join him and his friends who I had previously met, they were planning to go to a near by resort type town, so a short road trip kind of date. then he texts again "?" then again, "guess not!" then again something like 'I can take the hint' Im thinking in my head, Geez, dude I wasnt by my phone chill out... I respond 'Sorry, I wasnt by my phone, I would love to go!' he responds, " I guess we arent going now so nevermind." To me, it came off like he was throwing a fit, my friends said 'maybe he needed an immediate answer' and my response to that was 'if his question needed an immediate response he would have called." wasnt a deal breaker but I took pause.

 

 

So our date on Friday was still supposed to happen as planned or so I thought. He cancels the day of. At this point I'm annoyed and on top of that our previous texting interaction wasnt that great so I texted back that our schedules werent meshing well and I was losing momentum. He, I'm assuming, gets irritated, and starts texting stuff like, forget it, we dont need to go out.

 

I wasnt about to have a texting argument so I call him and Im like hey our communication seems to be getting lost in translation, lets talk. I say my defenses were up, he says his defenses were up, we defuse things and talk, turns out he was tired from the week and didnt want to drive all the way to my side of town so I suggest we have a quick bite to eat on his side of town, he agrees and we end up having an amazing second date.

 

During our second date we had talked about a movie we both wanted to see so they next day I text and Im like hey let me know when you want to see that movie and hes like theyre playing it at such and such time, lets go, so Im like awesome lets go, awesome third date ensues.

 

Red flag # 2: were now 2 weeks into this thing and remember we cant see one another during the week because of our schedules. Im ok with that, we kinda saw one another a lot during the weekend so Im cool with some space, not him, he was constantly texting, at first it was cute, he'd text things like 'it sucks were both so busy during the week, I cant wait to see you this weekend' then it would be things like 'I really like you" and " I miss you" overkill for two weeks in, now its getting old. Im starting to get the impression hes got some insecurity issues. Which is fine I have my own, so I try to accommodate him and I respond in kind but its really killing the momentum. A lot of his texts were needy, some were overly sexual (we have not had sex yet), he spelled words wrong a lot, he was just all together turning me off, so I try to limit our communication as much as I can during the week. " hey cant talk text you back later" and purposefully send text that dont require a response, let a day pass with no communication, I even called him one evening because our phone convos were good it was just text! It made things a lot better for me and my attraction for him went back to normal, but in retrospect, it probably drove him crazy.

 

 

So Thursday evening Im like, "hey so what do you want to do this weekend?" mind you, earlier in the week he said he couldn't wait to see me, so my assumption is we were going to plan something. he texts back, "oh Im spending the weekend in(resort town) with (his friends that I met at a previous date)". Ego stung! I respond passive aggressively I fully admit. " oh...I was invited last time, what changed?" Which I was, remember when I missed his text he had invited me to the same resort town with the same people. He responds back "yeah, its different this time though."

 

Logic would tell me, believe him, ego and vulnerability made me commit my red flag number 1. I text back, "you know what, our schedules dont mesh, our communication is off lets just call this"

 

I know, super immature and petty, I own it. He didnt respond back, which I dont blame him, I wouldnt either. I realized I panicked and over reacted and tried to reject him before he rejected me but I figured, whats done is done and its probably for the best, so thats, that or so I thought.

 

So this was Thursday. Saturday night I go to my room to go to sleep and I check my phone and theres like 6 texts and 3 missed calls from him. Hes like 'hey, I just got my room in *resort town*' I just now saw your text (total lie, in 48 hours, you looked at your phone) that really sucks that you feel that way, I still want to date you, I tried to call you, if you want to talk to me call me, if not Ill understand.

 

Again, I realized I was in the wrong so I call him. Hes immediately like, , why did you do that? So I was honest, I told him I felt he was rejecting me so I rejected him, he said he felt I was rejecting him, he was like, just talk to me! And I was like you just talk to me! We continued to talk for a while, it was a really good talk and ended some suggestive conversations. Again we havent slept with one another yet.

 

So week...4?

I try not to limit our text conversations like I did the previous week, boy do I regret it, he gets more needy, more sexual, more annoying. We make it to the weekend by the skin of my teeth.

 

We go out and we have another awesome time. During this date towards the end he makes mention that he isn't sure where I want things to go and he has dated girls who played games and just wanted to make out and treated to a nice night out.

 

This pissed me off because A.) Its super obvious he was indirectly saying he wanted to have sex. and B.) He paid for our first date, it was 70/30 the next one, he paid for tickets i bought popcorn the subsequent one, and this one no one had paid for anything yet, so how dare you accuse me of using you for a nice night out... I dont say anything, I just say," Im not sure why you would feel that way. " and change the subject. The night surprisingly gets back on track and its a great evening besides that convo. Its so hard to explain in person we get along swimmingly its like our egos and awkwardness gets in the way, I cant explain it.

 

So during the week, I guess this would be week 5, he texts me and asks me if I want to go to *resort town* just he and I. Hint Taken! haha. So I accept. I dont think anything else needs to be said, its pretty obvious where this date is going to lead. Not him! He starts says stuff like, "I really like you, do you like me?" "What do you want to happen this weekend?" "I think its 'normal' to take things to the next step dont you?" "Do you think I should get condoms?"

 

Now mind you. I accepted his invite knowing full well where things were headed, but he was killing things more and more and more with each text. I was completely turned off and had little to no desire to go, but i kept that to myself, hoping things would improve by the weekend, they didn't...by Friday hes attempting to what I can only describe as sexting me, but I wasnt in the conversation at all, it was literally just him, texting me dirty, sexual things, without my consent. So Im pissed. Im like "I dont know your dating history but Im not those girls, you are turning me off and you need to stop now!" He texts back, "Ok, I'll stop, Im so sorry, I really want to be in a relationship with you and I dont want to mess things up, it'll never happen again, Im sorry." I respond ok and walk away, Im still pissed and irritated and completely turned off. A few hours later I check my phone and he texts me and I guess his ego or insecurities got the best of him its a long wall where hes like 'youre confusing me, youre the most confusing woman Ive ever dated, how dare you talk about women from my past, you make me feel bad about myself, youre crazy. He went on and on.'

 

Red flag/strike #3. So Im like f*ck this, Im done. I text back, " I cant do this anymore, Im done"

 

I delete his number and texts, dont block him, not sure why I didnt. this was a month and a half ago.

 

Last night he texts me:

 

Hey you call me.

I miss you and I'm still interested and attracted to you, can we meet and talk?

 

I got the text this morning and I was in shock.

 

friend 1 says: Aww give him another chance.

 

friend 2 says:hes crazy youre gonna end up chopped up in a cellar

 

friend 3 says: if I sleep with him he will mellow out.

 

Im at a loss. Do I block? Text back?

 

My first instinct, 'this dude is crazy! I need to block him' But I wonder if I contributed to the deterioration of things? Again we got along amazingly, chemistry and sexual tension was through the roof but he just kept doing things that were red flags to me, and I admittedly did some red flag stuff too.

 

What do you guys say?

[Pleasedonot5]

So instead of hijacking other peoples threads (sorry!) I'll start my own thread and hopefully get some input, its bad, I read through it and its a disaster but I'll let you guys decide.

 

So I've mentioned this, at the beginning of the summer I met a guy on a dating website. He originally asked me to join him with his friends. He asked the night of, so my immediate reaction was. I do not do same night invites! NEXT!. I brought the subject up to my friends and they told me I was being silly and it probably was spur of the moment and he probably just wanted to meet in a comfortable setting.

 

So I thought ok, I'll leave the door open. One evening I text him 'hey, how have you been' or maybe I said 'what are you up to?' he responds, I'm about to head out with some friends, would you like to join us?' or something along those line and I decide to go, awesome decision. We ended up having an amazing time.

 

The next morning he texts and asks if I want to meet up for lunch. I wasnt feeling well so I declined. The following day I ask him to dinner, he works super long hours so he declined. Turns out our schedules during the week dont mesh well, so we plan to meet on a Friday.

 

Red flag #1: We would text pretty basic stuff during the week, mainly plans for the weekend and some 'how was your day' type stuff, one evening I wasnt by my phone for a few hours. When I get to it I see several missed texts from this guy. He invites me out Saturday to join him and his friends who I had previously met, they were planning to go to a near by resort type town, so a short road trip kind of date. then he texts again "?" then again, "guess not!" then again something like 'I can take the hint' Im thinking in my head, Geez, dude I wasnt by my phone chill out... I respond 'Sorry, I wasnt by my phone, I would love to go!' he responds, " I guess we arent going now so nevermind." To me, it came off like he was throwing a fit, my friends said 'maybe he needed an immediate answer' and my response to that was 'if his question needed an immediate response he would have called." wasnt a deal breaker but I took pause.

 

 

So our date on Friday was still supposed to happen as planned or so I thought. He cancels the day of. At this point I'm annoyed and on top of that our previous texting interaction wasnt that great so I texted back that our schedules werent meshing well and I was losing momentum. He, I'm assuming, gets irritated, and starts texting stuff like, forget it, we dont need to go out.

 

I wasnt about to have a texting argument so I call him and Im like hey our communication seems to be getting lost in translation, lets talk. I say my defenses were up, he says his defenses were up, we defuse things and talk, turns out he was tired from the week and didnt want to drive all the way to my side of town so I suggest we have a quick bite to eat on his side of town, he agrees and we end up having an amazing second date.

 

During our second date we had talked about a movie we both wanted to see so they next day I text and Im like hey let me know when you want to see that movie and hes like theyre playing it at such and such time, lets go, so Im like awesome lets go, awesome third date ensues.

 

Red flag # 2: were now 2 weeks into this thing and remember we cant see one another during the week because of our schedules. Im ok with that, we kinda saw one another a lot during the weekend so Im cool with some space, not him, he was constantly texting, at first it was cute, he'd text things like 'it sucks were both so busy during the week, I cant wait to see you this weekend' then it would be things like 'I really like you" and " I miss you" overkill for two weeks in, now its getting old. Im starting to get the impression hes got some insecurity issues. Which is fine I have my own, so I try to accommodate him and I respond in kind but its really killing the momentum. A lot of his texts were needy, some were overly sexual (we have not had sex yet), he spelled words wrong a lot, he was just all together turning me off, so I try to limit our communication as much as I can during the week. " hey cant talk text you back later" and purposefully send text that dont require a response, let a day pass with no communication, I even called him one evening because our phone convos were good it was just text! It made things a lot better for me and my attraction for him went back to normal, but in retrospect, it probably drove him crazy.

 

 

So Thursday evening Im like, "hey so what do you want to do this weekend?" mind you, earlier in the week he said he couldn't wait to see me, so my assumption is we were going to plan something. he texts back, "oh Im spending the weekend in(resort town) with (his friends that I met at a previous date)". Ego stung! I respond passive aggressively I fully admit. " oh...I was invited last time, what changed?" Which I was, remember when I missed his text he had invited me to the same resort town with the same people. He responds back "yeah, its different this time though."

 

Logic would tell me, believe him, ego and vulnerability made me commit my red flag number 1. I text back, "you know what, our schedules dont mesh, our communication is off lets just call this"

 

I know, super immature and petty, I own it. He didnt respond back, which I dont blame him, I wouldnt either. I realized I panicked and over reacted and tried to reject him before he rejected me but I figured, whats done is done and its probably for the best, so thats, that or so I thought.

 

So this was Thursday. Saturday night I go to my room to go to sleep and I check my phone and theres like 6 texts and 3 missed calls from him. Hes like 'hey, I just got my room in *resort town*' I just now saw your text (total lie, in 48 hours, you looked at your phone) that really sucks that you feel that way, I still want to date you, I tried to call you, if you want to talk to me call me, if not Ill understand.

 

Again, I realized I was in the wrong so I call him. Hes immediately like, , why did you do that? So I was honest, I told him I felt he was rejecting me so I rejected him, he said he felt I was rejecting him, he was like, just talk to me! And I was like you just talk to me! We continued to talk for a while, it was a really good talk and ended some suggestive conversations. Again we havent slept with one another yet.

 

So week...4?

I try not to limit our text conversations like I did the previous week, boy do I regret it, he gets more needy, more sexual, more annoying. We make it to the weekend by the skin of my teeth.

 

We go out and we have another awesome time. During this date towards the end he makes mention that he isn't sure where I want things to go and he has dated girls who played games and just wanted to make out and treated to a nice night out.

 

This pissed me off because A.) Its super obvious he was indirectly saying he wanted to have sex. and B.) He paid for our first date, it was 70/30 the next one, he paid for tickets i bought popcorn the subsequent one, and this one no one had paid for anything yet, so how dare you accuse me of using you for a nice night out... I dont say anything, I just say," Im not sure why you would feel that way. " and change the subject. The night surprisingly gets back on track and its a great evening besides that convo. Its so hard to explain in person we get along swimmingly its like our egos and awkwardness gets in the way, I cant explain it.

 

So during the week, I guess this would be week 5, he texts me and asks me if I want to go to *resort town* just he and I. Hint Taken! haha. So I accept. I dont think anything else needs to be said, its pretty obvious where this date is going to lead. Not him! He starts says stuff like, "I really like you, do you like me?" "What do you want to happen this weekend?" "I think its 'normal' to take things to the next step dont you?" "Do you think I should get condoms?"

 

Now mind you. I accepted his invite knowing full well where things were headed, but he was killing things more and more and more with each text. I was completely turned off and had little to no desire to go, but i kept that to myself, hoping things would improve by the weekend, they didn't...by Friday hes attempting to what I can only describe as sexting me, but I wasnt in the conversation at all, it was literally just him, texting me dirty, sexual things, without my consent. So Im pissed. Im like "I dont know your dating history but Im not those girls, you are turning me off and you need to stop now!" He texts back, "Ok, I'll stop, Im so sorry, I really want to be in a relationship with you and I dont want to mess things up, it'll never happen again, Im sorry." I respond ok and walk away, Im still pissed and irritated and completely turned off. A few hours later I check my phone and he texts me and I guess his ego or insecurities got the best of him its a long wall where hes like 'youre confusing me, youre the most confusing woman Ive ever dated, how dare you talk about women from my past, you make me feel bad about myself, youre crazy. He went on and on.'

 

Red flag/strike #3. So Im like f*ck this, Im done. I text back, " I cant do this anymore, Im done"

 

I delete his number and texts, dont block him, not sure why I didnt. this was a month and a half ago.

 

Last night he texts me:

 

Hey you call me.

I miss you and I'm still interested and attracted to you, can we meet and talk?

 

I got the text this morning and I was in shock.

 

friend 1 says: Aww give him another chance.

 

friend 2 says:hes crazy youre gonna end up chopped up in a cellar

 

friend 3 says: if I sleep with him he will mellow out.

 

Im at a loss. Do I block? Text back?

 

My first instinct, 'this dude is crazy! I need to block him' But I wonder if I contributed to the deterioration of things? Again we got along amazingly, chemistry and sexual tension was through the roof but he just kept doing things that were red flags to me, and I admittedly did some red flag stuff too.

 

What do you guys say?

Any one of your friends could be correct, here. I think the guy is majorly insecure and that is a turnoff for you. If you were supportive, communicative, and responsive, his attachment to you would become more secure, and things may be better.

 

However, you can't control to what or to whom you are attracted. There are characteristics of this guy that drive you nuts and make you want to stay far away from his nuts. It just looks like it is not going to work. I would advise you, based on what you have described, not to continue dating this guy.

 

One thing I will say, though, is that you seem to over-analyze and search for red flags as if you are on ENA irl. I feel that ENA can cause a tendency to search for deal breakers, to build up defenses, and to settle only for the best. I would be cautious of said mindset.

[Long Gone]

Well, I'm in no position to give advice, but you've helped me out greatly over the past few months.

 

I see the guys insecurities in me, and I hate to admit it....but there was one instance a week or so into the last relationship where she never responded, and I kept texting.... (turned out she had left her phone at her mums). I regret how needy I must have looked, so I try and think that I'm aware of what I'd done, so learn from my mistakes.

 

However looking at your situation, you really gave the guy plenty of chances. The whole quizzing you about 'condoms' is really odd.... why did he need to ask? Just get them and if it happens it happens and if not, it doesn't....I can totally see how it killed the mood.

 

It's easy from reading your comments and looking at it on paper, to say he had his chance leave him, but you did say how well you too get on. This is a month on, so maybe you have moved on yourself and want to put it all too bed. An alternative is to speak to him, tell him your concerns....his passion killing texts and go from there.

 

As I say, I'm in no position to give advice with my track record!

[Batya33]

I would not respond/see him again because he handles communication badly and this is only the beginning of your dating. And I don't like all the sex talk and the game playing. He's not evil or anything I just don't like how he treats you, communicates with you and the way he talks about/focuses on sex.

 

I completely understand - FWIW -why you gave him the chances you did. And I wouldn't give him anymore.

[Chris12189]

So instead of hijacking other peoples threads (sorry!) I'll start my own thread and hopefully get some input, its bad, I read through it and its a disaster but I'll let you guys decide.

 

So I've mentioned this, at the beginning of the summer I met a guy on a dating website. He originally asked me to join him with his friends. He asked the night of, so my immediate reaction was. I do not do same night invites! NEXT!. I brought the subject up to my friends and they told me I was being silly and it probably was spur of the moment and he probably just wanted to meet in a comfortable setting.

 

So I thought ok, I'll leave the door open. One evening I text him 'hey, how have you been' or maybe I said 'what are you up to?' he responds, I'm about to head out with some friends, would you like to join us?' or something along those line and I decide to go, awesome decision. We ended up having an amazing time.

 

The next morning he texts and asks if I want to meet up for lunch. I wasnt feeling well so I declined. The following day I ask him to dinner, he works super long hours so he declined. Turns out our schedules during the week dont mesh well, so we plan to meet on a Friday.

 

Red flag #1: We would text pretty basic stuff during the week, mainly plans for the weekend and some 'how was your day' type stuff, one evening I wasnt by my phone for a few hours. When I get to it I see several missed texts from this guy. He invites me out Saturday to join him and his friends who I had previously met, they were planning to go to a near by resort type town, so a short road trip kind of date. then he texts again "?" then again, "guess not!" then again something like 'I can take the hint' Im thinking in my head, Geez, dude I wasnt by my phone chill out... I respond 'Sorry, I wasnt by my phone, I would love to go!' he responds, " I guess we arent going now so nevermind." To me, it came off like he was throwing a fit, my friends said 'maybe he needed an immediate answer' and my response to that was 'if his question needed an immediate response he would have called." wasnt a deal breaker but I took pause.

 

 

So our date on Friday was still supposed to happen as planned or so I thought. He cancels the day of. At this point I'm annoyed and on top of that our previous texting interaction wasnt that great so I texted back that our schedules werent meshing well and I was losing momentum. He, I'm assuming, gets irritated, and starts texting stuff like, forget it, we dont need to go out.

 

I wasnt about to have a texting argument so I call him and Im like hey our communication seems to be getting lost in translation, lets talk. I say my defenses were up, he says his defenses were up, we defuse things and talk, turns out he was tired from the week and didnt want to drive all the way to my side of town so I suggest we have a quick bite to eat on his side of town, he agrees and we end up having an amazing second date.

 

During our second date we had talked about a movie we both wanted to see so they next day I text and Im like hey let me know when you want to see that movie and hes like theyre playing it at such and such time, lets go, so Im like awesome lets go, awesome third date ensues.

 

Red flag # 2: were now 2 weeks into this thing and remember we cant see one another during the week because of our schedules. Im ok with that, we kinda saw one another a lot during the weekend so Im cool with some space, not him, he was constantly texting, at first it was cute, he'd text things like 'it sucks were both so busy during the week, I cant wait to see you this weekend' then it would be things like 'I really like you" and " I miss you" overkill for two weeks in, now its getting old. Im starting to get the impression hes got some insecurity issues. Which is fine I have my own, so I try to accommodate him and I respond in kind but its really killing the momentum. A lot of his texts were needy, some were overly sexual (we have not had sex yet), he spelled words wrong a lot, he was just all together turning me off, so I try to limit our communication as much as I can during the week. " hey cant talk text you back later" and purposefully send text that dont require a response, let a day pass with no communication, I even called him one evening because our phone convos were good it was just text! It made things a lot better for me and my attraction for him went back to normal, but in retrospect, it probably drove him crazy.

 

 

So Thursday evening Im like, "hey so what do you want to do this weekend?" mind you, earlier in the week he said he couldn't wait to see me, so my assumption is we were going to plan something. he texts back, "oh Im spending the weekend in(resort town) with (his friends that I met at a previous date)". Ego stung! I respond passive aggressively I fully admit. " oh...I was invited last time, what changed?" Which I was, remember when I missed his text he had invited me to the same resort town with the same people. He responds back "yeah, its different this time though."

 

Logic would tell me, believe him, ego and vulnerability made me commit my red flag number 1. I text back, "you know what, our schedules dont mesh, our communication is off lets just call this"

 

I know, super immature and petty, I own it. He didnt respond back, which I dont blame him, I wouldnt either. I realized I panicked and over reacted and tried to reject him before he rejected me but I figured, whats done is done and its probably for the best, so thats, that or so I thought.

 

So this was Thursday. Saturday night I go to my room to go to sleep and I check my phone and theres like 6 texts and 3 missed calls from him. Hes like 'hey, I just got my room in *resort town*' I just now saw your text (total lie, in 48 hours, you looked at your phone) that really sucks that you feel that way, I still want to date you, I tried to call you, if you want to talk to me call me, if not Ill understand.

 

Again, I realized I was in the wrong so I call him. Hes immediately like, , why did you do that? So I was honest, I told him I felt he was rejecting me so I rejected him, he said he felt I was rejecting him, he was like, just talk to me! And I was like you just talk to me! We continued to talk for a while, it was a really good talk and ended some suggestive conversations. Again we havent slept with one another yet.

 

So week...4?

I try not to limit our text conversations like I did the previous week, boy do I regret it, he gets more needy, more sexual, more annoying. We make it to the weekend by the skin of my teeth.

 

We go out and we have another awesome time. During this date towards the end he makes mention that he isn't sure where I want things to go and he has dated girls who played games and just wanted to make out and treated to a nice night out.

 

This pissed me off because A.) Its super obvious he was indirectly saying he wanted to have sex. and B.) He paid for our first date, it was 70/30 the next one, he paid for tickets i bought popcorn the subsequent one, and this one no one had paid for anything yet, so how dare you accuse me of using you for a nice night out... I dont say anything, I just say," Im not sure why you would feel that way. " and change the subject. The night surprisingly gets back on track and its a great evening besides that convo. Its so hard to explain in person we get along swimmingly its like our egos and awkwardness gets in the way, I cant explain it.

 

So during the week, I guess this would be week 5, he texts me and asks me if I want to go to *resort town* just he and I. Hint Taken! haha. So I accept. I dont think anything else needs to be said, its pretty obvious where this date is going to lead. Not him! He starts says stuff like, "I really like you, do you like me?" "What do you want to happen this weekend?" "I think its 'normal' to take things to the next step dont you?" "Do you think I should get condoms?"

 

Now mind you. I accepted his invite knowing full well where things were headed, but he was killing things more and more and more with each text. I was completely turned off and had little to no desire to go, but i kept that to myself, hoping things would improve by the weekend, they didn't...by Friday hes attempting to what I can only describe as sexting me, but I wasnt in the conversation at all, it was literally just him, texting me dirty, sexual things, without my consent. So Im pissed. Im like "I dont know your dating history but Im not those girls, you are turning me off and you need to stop now!" He texts back, "Ok, I'll stop, Im so sorry, I really want to be in a relationship with you and I dont want to mess things up, it'll never happen again, Im sorry." I respond ok and walk away, Im still pissed and irritated and completely turned off. A few hours later I check my phone and he texts me and I guess his ego or insecurities got the best of him its a long wall where hes like 'youre confusing me, youre the most confusing woman Ive ever dated, how dare you talk about women from my past, you make me feel bad about myself, youre crazy. He went on and on.'

 

Red flag/strike #3. So Im like f*ck this, Im done. I text back, " I cant do this anymore, Im done"

 

I delete his number and texts, dont block him, not sure why I didnt. this was a month and a half ago.

 

Last night he texts me:

 

Hey you call me.

I miss you and I'm still interested and attracted to you, can we meet and talk?

 

I got the text this morning and I was in shock.

 

friend 1 says: Aww give him another chance.

 

friend 2 says:hes crazy youre gonna end up chopped up in a cellar

 

friend 3 says: if I sleep with him he will mellow out.

 

Im at a loss. Do I block? Text back?

 

My first instinct, 'this dude is crazy! I need to block him' But I wonder if I contributed to the deterioration of things? Again we got along amazingly, chemistry and sexual tension was through the roof but he just kept doing things that were red flags to me, and I admittedly did some red flag stuff too.

 

What do you guys say?

 

 

 

I mean if your dating life is at a low point then go ahead but truthfully I think you should let it go. This guy seems like hes entitled to sex with you because you went on "x" number of dates, also I am almost 90 percent positive he is playing the field as well. Guys are not as cryptic as women, when we are into you we will move mountains to see you and make it work. You seem an option from what you laid out in this post

[figureitout23]

 

One thing I will say, though, is that you seem to over-analyze and search for red flags as if you are on ENA irl. I feel that ENA can cause a tendency to search for deal breakers, to build up defenses, and to settle only for the best. I would be cautious of said mindset.

 

I agree. I think I do over analyze because I've been on this board for too long. But its also making me second guess myself. So now I cant decide if its me or if this guys a bunny boiler.

[figureitout23]

I mean if your dating life is at a low point then go ahead but truthfully I think you should let it go. This guy seems like hes entitled to sex with you because you went on "x" number of dates, also I am almost 90 percent positive he is playing the field as well. Guys are not as cryptic as women, when we are into you we will move mountains to see you and make it work. You seem an option from what you laid out in this post

 

I wouldnt say its at a low point, its at a lazy point, haha. Im not working very hard at meeting men, my desire is low. Im comfortable being single but get occasional pang of loneliness. Good point about him playing the field, I mean its been a month and a half since weve so much as spoke, maybe he hit a rough patch.

[figureitout23]

Well, I'm in no position to give advice, but you've helped me out greatly over the past few months.

 

I see the guys insecurities in me, and I hate to admit it....but there was one instance a week or so into the last relationship where she never responded, and I kept texting.... (turned out she had left her phone at her mums). I regret how needy I must have looked, so I try and think that I'm aware of what I'd done, so learn from my mistakes.

 

However looking at your situation, you really gave the guy plenty of chances. The whole quizzing you about 'condoms' is really odd.... why did he need to ask? Just get them and if it happens it happens and if not, it doesn't....I can totally see how it killed the mood.

 

It's easy from reading your comments and looking at it on paper, to say he had his chance leave him, but you did say how well you too get on. This is a month on, so maybe you have moved on yourself and want to put it all too bed. An alternative is to speak to him, tell him your concerns....his passion killing texts and go from there.

 

As I say, I'm in no position to give advice with my track record!

 

Dont be silly! I appreciate your input.

 

I have my own insecurity issues and I stumbled with him too so I tried to be understanding, but it just got to be too much.

[figureitout23]

I would not respond/see him again because he handles communication badly and this is only the beginning of your dating. And I don't like all the sex talk and the game playing. He's not evil or anything I just don't like how he treats you, communicates with you and the way he talks about/focuses on sex.

 

I completely understand - FWIW -why you gave him the chances you did. And I wouldn't give him anymore.

 

Yeah, my desire to respond to him has dwindled down to nothing now that I reread what I wrote.

 

I think the month and a half led me to forget the details of everything.

 

I think I made the right choice back then.

[boltnrun]

If you sleep with him he'll mellow out?

 

That friend gives awful advice. Are they a "must have a boyfriend at any cost!!" type?

 

He accused you of being crazy because you didn't want to sext. Done.

[Batya33]

Yeah, my desire to respond to him has dwindled down to nothing now that I reread what I wrote.

 

I think the month and a half led me to forget the details of everything.

 

I think I made the right choice back then.

 

I agree and I do not think you are overanalyzing. It's not whether he is a bunny boiler but whether he is right for you

[Long Gone]

Dont be silly! I appreciate your input.

 

I have my own insecurity issues and I stumbled with him too so I tried to be understanding, but it just got to be too much.

 

Yeah I think, and as others have pointed out....over a months past since your last interaction, so why message you now? You are best without.

[figureitout23]

If you sleep with him he'll mellow out?

 

That friend gives awful advice. Are they a "must have a boyfriend at any cost!!" type?

 

He accused you of being crazy because you didn't want to sext. Done.

 

Hah, to be fair, friend 3 is a guy, so he may have said it in jest, it was a group chat.

 

And YES that was my first impression. He was acting like a petulant child because I wasn't meeting his sexual needs, but why would I? Ive dated you for a month at this point and we haven't even had sex. That was the main reason why I originally ended things, the whole thing rubbed me the wrong way.

 

Its all coming back to me now.

[katrina1980]

Hey fio, fwiw I think the fact you created this thread, not to mention going into such great detail, including mentioning several times how awesome your dates were, the intense chemistry, the tension, etc all suggest you really really really dig this guy (still), he digs you too, and as such it deserves another shot!

 

I mean seriously, how often does that happen, such intense mutual energy/chemistry? It's pretty darn rare in my opinion.

 

My take is you were both nervous, anxious, insecure and all the red flags flying on *both* sides were because of that! And if the energy/chemistry hadn't been as intense as it was there would have been no nervousness, anxiety or tension in the first place!

 

You're gonna toss that away, why? Because his txt messages turned you off?

 

I give him credit, he was HONEST! 100% emotionally honest, as weird or needy as that may have come across due to nerves.

 

What would you have preferred, the games many men play in an attempt to gauge a woman's feelings? The push/pull, not calling for three days, and all the other games many men play?

 

Man, this guy came straight out and asked you how you felt, what you wanted. That's not insecurity, that's confidence!

 

Your behavior was confusing him, why shouldn't he have asked you? Because it didn't comport with some image you have of men not feeling any confusion or insecurities?

 

Question: Why did you assume he was accusing you of using him for a free meal? I didn't get that at all.

 

He was simply telling you what he had experienced with other woman, not that *you* were one of those women, you chose to interpret it that way, not sure why except your defenses were up, and because of the nervousness and also fear.

 

All that said, I totally get the nervousness, the anxiety, the defenses, BTDT! So not judging you.

 

But hell I gotta say I literally felt the energy and tension between you just from reading your post, describing it, it was riveting!

 

So again fwiw, I say give it another shot, lower the defenses, keep the nervousness in check, appreciate the man is emotionally honest and let it play out.

 

Good luck and keep us posted, I am excited for you!

[Batya33]

I think if her goal is to be with someone she is drawn to sexually and feels that click with then she should go for it. And not if she wants any kind of potential long term relationship. She could have a lot of fun and intensity with him on a casual basis, dating, maybe having sex, maybe not, or something fiery and short term but not if she wants a healthy long term relationship. They don't click in that way and she's seen that already more than once. I don't think honesty trumps maturity, tact, thoughtfulness and treating someone with respect, nor subjecting her to his insecurities by treating her as he did.

[boltnrun]

youre the most confusing woman Ive ever dated, how dare you talk about women from my past, you make me feel bad about myself, youre crazy. He went on and on.'

 

THIS "deserves" another chance???

 

I don't care how "nervous" someone is, calling her crazy is way off base.

[katrina1980]

^^ Ha ha, it's "love poetry" and it happens when there is lot of sexual tension, energy/emotion between two people but not able to express it due to hiding how they feel and what they want and not being emotionally honest.

 

He didn't mean it literally, he really digs FIO but her behavior was confusing to him, in reading her post, it confused me too!

 

It came from frustration, not maliciousness.

[Batya33]

^^ Ha ha, it's "love poetry" and it happens when there is lot of energy/emotion between two people but not able to express it due to frustration, and hiding how they feel and what they want and not being emotionally honest.

 

He didn't mean it literally, he really digs FIO but her behavior was confusing to him, in reading her post, it confused me too!

 

It came from frustration, not maliciousness.

 

I personally would not want to be romantically involved with or good friends with someone who expressed frustration in that way - not long term, anyway -in small doses, fine, where he didn't interact with my family/friends/colleagues fine. If the OP does no judgment here and sounds like she does not/is doubting heavily that she wants to put up with that.

[Starlight925]

Wow, there's so much to unpack here.

 

Your voice-to-voice, and in-person communications seem to be awesome. Seems like things get stuck with texting. So much can be misconstrued with texting. I just hate it sometimes.

 

Applause to you for just going all 1982 style and....gasp....picking up the phone to call him. Seems like when you actually hear his voice, and he hears yours, it's like music. And when you're together, it's like an orchestra.

 

It's just all this stupid texting.

 

All the stupid, he texts but you're in the shower, so you don't hear the bling, but he's sitting there waiting for the 3 little dots that you're typing a message, and he's not getting it, immediately, and he starts acting like a petulant child. I mean, he can pick up a phone too.

 

Here's what I think: I think you like him. I think he obviously likes you too! And I think that you should call him, not text back. And meet him for a casual dinner somewhere, and draw up some communication guidelines: no texting about anything heavier than "on my way", "dinner at 8", etc. And that if you don't respond immediately, he can't assume anything.

 

And that if he makes any comments about other women, no assuming on your end either (although I do get where you were coming from with that.....like, seriously, we barely sat down, are you pre-accusing me of making you pay, before we've even ordered?).

 

I also agree with PleaseDoNot, where because we are on this board so much, we can hyper-focus on little things. I do it too, which is why I started my thread.

 

I'd also go on a few more in-town dates before going away with him, with or without his friends.

 

Question: Do you want to have sex outside of an exclusive relationship? Many do not (I do not). If that is your comfort level, let him know. That once you are established in an exclusive relationship, then and only then can we have sex. Up until then, we can date, we can have all kinds of fun, but it just regrettably won't include sex. I'd say this in a super nice, but firm way, so that he understands where you're coming from. That it's not meant to be punitive of him, but for him to understand who you are, and where you come from. I'd also let him know how much you like him, how much you enjoy his company, and how you hope it develops into more. Appease his insecurities a bit. Guys have 'em too.

[figureitout23]

Hey fio, fwiw I think the fact you created this thread, not to mention going into such great detail, including mentioning several times how awesome your dates were, the intense chemistry, the tension, etc all suggest you really really really dig this guy (still), he digs you too, and as such it deserves another shot!

 

I mean seriously, how often does that happen, such intense mutual energy/chemistry? It's pretty darn rare in my opinion.

 

My take is you were both nervous, anxious, insecure and all the red flags flying on *both* sides were because of that! And if the energy/chemistry hadn't been as intense as it was there would have been no nervousness, anxiety or tension in the first place!

 

You're gonna toss that away, why? Because his txt messages turned you off?

 

I give him credit, he was HONEST! 100% emotionally honest, as weird or needy as that may have come across due to nerves.

 

What would you have preferred, the games many men play in an attempt to gauge a woman's feelings? The push/pull, not calling for three days, and all the other games many men play?

 

Man, this guy came straight out and asked you how you felt, what you wanted. That's not insecurity, that's confidence!

 

Your behavior was confusing him, why shouldn't he have asked you? Because it didn't comport with some image you have of men not feeling any confusion or insecurities?

 

Question: Why did you assume he was accusing you of using him for a free meal? I didn't get that at all.

 

He was simply telling you what he had experienced with other woman, not that *you* were one of those women, you chose to interpret it that way, not sure why except your defenses were up, and because of the nervousness and also fear.

 

All that said, I totally get the nervousness, the anxiety, the defenses, BTDT! So not judging you.

 

But hell I gotta say I literally felt the energy and tension between you just from reading your post, describing it, it was riveting!

 

So again fwiw, I say give it another shot, lower the defenses, keep the nervousness in check, appreciate the man is emotionally honest and let it play out.

 

Good luck and keep us posted, I am excited for you!

 

I admit Kat. Those dates were up there with some of the best Ive had. Between our first and second dates so many 'turn off' things happened that I forgot our chemistry and even what he looked like if that make sense so when I saw him, it was like 'oh yeah! Youre THAT guy'

 

On one of the dates he made a comment very passingly, "this is so awesome. You like me as much as I like you." that was refreshing. To have someone be open and honest. So yes, in person it was exciting and kept me going even through all his awkwardness but I also agree with Bolt at some point you have to hold yourself accountable, telling me I'm crazy? NOT cool.

[boltnrun]

That's an "interesting" point of view...that someone calling someone they've been dating names is actually "love poetry".

 

It's not what would make me swoon, but to each his own.

[Batya33]

That's an "interesting" point of view...that someone calling someone they've been dating names is actually "love poetry".

 

It's not what would make me swoon, but to each his own.

 

Yes, that was an interesting label/euphemism. Reminded me of the "love bites" I got as a teen lol.

[boltnrun]

Yes, that was an interesting label/euphemism. Reminded me of the "love bites" I got as a teen lol.

 

Or the couple that fights all the time insisting they're "passionate".

 

I just would not be comfortable continuing to date someone whose go to defense when feeling vulnerable or confused or frustrated is to name call. Especially the "you're crazy" remark. Not OK.

[figureitout23]

Question: Do you want to have sex outside of an exclusive relationship? Many do not (I do not). If that is your comfort level, let him know. That once you are established in an exclusive relationship, then and only then can we have sex. Up until then, we can go to resort town, we can have all kinds of fun, but it just regrettably won't include sex. I'd say this in a super nice, but firm way, so that he understands where you're coming from. That it's not meant to be punitive of him, but for him to understand who you are, and where you come from. I'd also let him know how much you like him, how much you enjoy his company, and how you hope it develops into more. Appease his insecurities a bit. Guys have 'em too.

 

To be completely honest I was fully prepared to have sex with him during that trip before things fell apart. I'm not a casual sex girl, but I also don't necessarily need to be in a full blown relationship, I am able to implement sex into long term dating, and that's where we were supposed to be headed. I wasn't questioning that. He made it clear he wanted things to lead into a relationship, I didn't ever feel he was 'using' me to have sex or any of that.

 

His insecurities were huge puddles we needed to drive around, his childish behavior became the roadblock.

[Batya33]

Or the couple that fights all the time insisting they're "passionate".

 

I just would not be comfortable continuing to date someone whose go to defense when feeling vulnerable or confused or frustrated is to name call. Especially the "you're crazy" remark. Not OK.

 

Same. And I know that chemistry/clicking is rare but I think it's rare when combined with potential for long term compatibility -when it's friendship caught on fire (or fire that includes a developing healthy emotional bond/friendship - no order to them needed but both must be there). I've had awesome chemistry/click with men who were totally wrong for me long term for a number of reasons - to me that's not so rare at all, in general either. The combo is more so and when you find that then you have to decide whether things like geography, timing, and more minor "issues" are worth it - because that happens in healthy marriages/LTRs too -that minor stuff that is outweighed by the core. I don't see anything developing here that would have a core of health, trust, caring and solid passion rather than the passion that is continuously fueled by drama and miscommunication. And yes if there were communication issues after they'd been together a long time then certainly counseling might be more than worth it but, love poetry , love jingles, whatever -I wouldn't waste any more time.