Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...

[katrina1980]

I admit Kat. Those dates were up there with some of the best Ive had. Between our first and second dates so many 'turn off' things happened that I forgot our chemistry and even what he looked like if that make sense so when I saw him, it was like 'oh yeah! Youre THAT guy'

 

On one of the dates he made a comment very passingly, "this is so awesome. You like me as much as I like you." that was refreshing. To have someone be open and honest. So yes, in person it was exciting and kept me going even through all his awkwardness but I also agree with Bolt at some point you have to hold yourself accountable, telling me I'm crazy? NOT cool.

 

Yeah not cool for sure but you can always define a boundary letting him to know it was unacceptable instead of harshly judging and using as an excuse for not giving it another shot.

 

Don't let fear drive your decision FIO.

[katrina1980]

That's an "interesting" point of view...that someone calling someone they've been dating names is actually "love poetry".

 

It's not what would make me swoon, but to each his own.

 

Well, I was half joking sort of a tongue n cheek.

 

I do understand the emotion behind him saying it though, it's not an unforgivable comment in my opinion when you look at it from perspective.

[figureitout23]

Same. And I know that chemistry/clicking is rare but I think it's rare when combined with potential for long term compatibility -when it's friendship caught on fire (or fire that includes a developing healthy emotional bond/friendship - no order to them needed but both must be there). I've had awesome chemistry/click with men who were totally wrong for me long term for a number of reasons - to me that's not so rare at all, in general either. The combo is more so and when you find that then you have to decide whether things like geography, timing, and more minor "issues" are worth it - because that happens in healthy marriages/LTRs too -that minor stuff that is outweighed by the core. I don't see anything developing here that would have a core of health, trust, caring and solid passion rather than the passion that is continuously fueled by drama and miscommunication. And yes if there were communication issues after they'd been together a long time then certainly counseling might be more than worth it but, love poetry , love jingles, whatever -I wouldn't waste any more time.

 

Hmmmm.

 

Excellent point Bat.

 

Sometimes chemistry isnt enough.

 

This is why I say to heal before you date!

 

I dont think hes a bad guy, I really dont. I think hes got tons of baggage that caused things to go from a healthy level of anxiety to unhealthy and Im wondering if his game playing triggered me, which caused things to implode even further. We may have just been oil and water.

 

Or maybe my guy friend was right and he'd mellow out once he got some.

[figureitout23]

Yeah not cool for sure but you can always define a boundary letting him to know it was unacceptable instead of harshly judging and using as an excuse for not giving it another shot.

 

Don't let fear drive your decision FIO.

 

True.

 

I dont think Im going to make a decision today.

 

If I do respond there will definitely be some boundaries made.

[ThatwasThen]

... but don't we always say don't ignore red flags?

 

The sexting before you've even had sex plus continuing on with it when you weren't responding would be enough for me to remember those red flags.

 

Up to you what you do, of course.

 

FWIW... Your opening post was a great read.

[boltnrun]

I have one question, figure, because you seem to be leaning toward continuing to date him and perhaps sleep with him...

 

If I wrote in saying a guy I had been dating called me "crazy" after I had told him I wasn't comfortable with or interested in sexting with him, what would you tell me?

 

IMO, he's given you a preview of how he reacts when he doesn't get his way. You could tell him it's unacceptable and explain your boundaries but I wouldn't be surprised if he reacted with another name calling tirade.

[Batya33]

Hmmmm.

 

Excellent point Bat.

 

Sometimes chemistry isnt enough.

 

This is why I say to heal before you date!

 

I dont think hes a bad guy, I really dont. I think hes got tons of baggage that caused things to go from a healthy level of anxiety to unhealthy and Im wondering if his game playing triggered me, which caused things to implode even further. We may have just been oil and water.

 

Or maybe my guy friend was right and he'd mellow out once he got some.

 

I don't think he's a bad guy in general either -just not relationship material for you. Too much work IMO and too high a risk of his repeating his behaviors - and especially after such a short time to have set boundaries unless he missed that day in kindergarten when basic manners were taught. And yes despite the initial chemistry and the chemistry for that period of time.

[katrina1980]

FIO, are you sure he was serious when he said it?

 

And not playful banter?

 

Context is everything,

 

My bf is always calling me "crazy" cause well frankly I do act a bit crazy sometimes! Lol

 

I own it! He may think I am a little crazy, but mostly he's just teasing.

 

It all in good fun.

 

I don't know I wasn't there but in my opinion, you misinterpreted his comment about other women using him for free meals (thinking he meant you), so just asking if that could be the case here.

 

Seems emotions were flying high on both sides!

[bluecastle]

Figureitout! Hello! Let me just say, as someone who has spent the day feeling so super exposed, that it is really nice to see you on this side!

 

Anyhow, into the meat.

 

I'm a bit with katrina on this one. What I see is a super sweet, awkwardly sweet, and ultimately touching swirl of baggage and anxieties (yours, his) circling around something nice and simple: connection, attraction.

 

While the whole sleep with him to calm him down thing is just weird—no offense to your friend—my advice would be to hang with him and sleep with him because, well, because you want to have sex with this human! You're attracted to him. Up there with the best dates, you say? Chemistry is there IRL? And you're cool with the space between casual sex and relationship sex? I mean, why not?

 

Yes, I see a lot to be frustrated about him. Immaturity stuff. The tone deaf sexting. And I'm happy to pick that apart with you, if you'd like.

 

I also, and I say this with respect, see a lot to be frustrated with you. The analysis. The general approach of looking for weak spot. The search for the high ground before he can get there. And I'll help you pick those bones, with compassion.

 

And yet, all of those frustrating things? While reading through, I found them simultaneously endearing! I found him endearing. I found you endearing. And I think he finds you endearing and you find him endearing. Clumsy and human, yeah. But endearing. Both of you.

 

Is this your future husband? I don't know. But is there more fun to be had? Seems so to me.

 

I won't hijack your thread with my sh*t—have a thread of that now—but I will say this. Maybe I'm dancing with fire right now, and got into a sticky place. But, man, the past few months were really fun. IRL. Away from the headiness. Heart and body stuff. And I'm a believer that there is information out there, in those moments, that is just as important as in places like this.

[Hollyj]

Girl, you should have been done after the first red flag. His reaction to the texting was strange. Then he is getting sexual before you have even gotten physical (huge red flag), and is being all needy. You definitely should have been done.

 

"Im at a loss. Do I block? Text back?" Are you kidding? Figure, Why did you go there with this clown? If I had created this thread, what would you have advised? I hope it is similar to something I have written. You know you deserve much better than this!!!

 

You know that I am coming from a good place. You know better!

[figureitout23]

I have one question, figure, because you seem to be leaning toward continuing to date him and perhaps sleep with him...

 

If I wrote in saying a guy I had been dating called me "crazy" after I had told him I wasn't comfortable with or interested in sexting with him, what would you tell me?

 

IMO, he's given you a preview of how he reacts when he doesn't get his way. You could tell him it's unacceptable and explain your boundaries but I wouldn't be surprised if he reacted with another name calling tirade.

 

I wouldn't say I've decided. So much time has passed, the connection we had is greatly faded at best, damaged beyond repair at worst. I recognize that.

 

I just want to make sure Im not being overly cautious.

 

If I had read this, I would say ' his baggage isn't your concern. THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T DATE WHEN YOU HAVE BAGGAGE PEOPLE!'' Hes been through something, I cant quite put my finger on it and quite frankly it shouldn't be my concern, its up to him to work through it.

 

His language can very well be indicative of an abusive personality and Im sure you know that is the last place I want to end up, but I also dont want to be so overly cautious that I take any action as a threat.

 

Im not sure that I've fully learned where to draw that line.

[figureitout23]

FIO, are you sure he was serious when he said it?

 

And not playful banter?

 

Context is everything,

 

My bf is always calling me "crazy" cause well frankly I do act a bit crazy sometimes! Lol

 

I own it! He may think I am a little crazy, but mostly he's just teasing.

 

It all in good fun.

 

I don't know I wasn't there but in my opinion, you misinterpreted his comment about other women using him for free meals (thinking he meant you), so just asking if that could be the case here.

 

Seems emotions were flying high on both sides!

 

I can say with certainty it was not joking.

 

But the string of texts were interesting. I almost wish I hadnt deleted them.

 

It went from, "Youre the most frustrating woman I've ever dated, youre crazy" and I didnt respond I didnt engage and the more he went the more vulnerable he became " we had an amazing time, I admit that and if you want to fix things, I'm open to it, but you're the most frustrating woman I ever met" or it could have been manipulation. I dont know.

 

In person, we didn't fight, we had a slight disagreement that I admittedly probably took personally when he was simply trying to open up, or was he accusing me? See! I dont know! It was like in text he felt safe. Safe to be vulnerable or safe to let his crazy out. I dont know.

 

Am I really going to end something that was great in person because of texts and what happens while were away from one another?

 

Im leaning towards yes, and its a hard pill to swallow!

[bluecastle]

I wouldn't say I've decided. So much time has passed, the connection we had is greatly faded at best, damaged beyond repair at worst. I recognize that.

 

I just want to make sure Im not being overly cautious.

 

If I had read this, I would say ' his baggage isn't your concern. THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T DATE WHEN YOU HAVE BAGGAGE PEOPLE!'' Hes been through something, I cant quite put my finger on it and quite frankly it shouldn't be my concern, its up to him to work through it.

 

His language can very well be indicative of an abusive personality and Im sure you know that is the last place I want to end up, but I also dont want to be so overly cautious that I take any action as a threat.

 

Im not sure that I've fully learned where to draw that line.

 

Okay, yes,

 

But also? Everyone does have baggage. We manage it the best we can.

 

I sort of have this idea about what adulthood is. We spend time out there in the world, just getting dirty. The older we get, the filthier our clothes. No two ways around it. All we can do is learn to wear filthy clothes with grace. And, with that, we all hit and we all miss.

 

And we all know this, but, somehow, when it comes to romance we all want to be virgins again. Pure. Slate cleaned. No red flags. We want that because, when it's good, it can FEEL like that, in flashes, as maybe you felt during those connect-y moments. That's the drug. And a relationship generally happens because the drug is powerful enough for the rest of the glue to have time to set. And every single relationship, even if it lasts only a night, is basically insane, a logic system onto itself. It holds as long as it does.

 

I don't know. I'm on your team here, not his. Part of me wants to say that amount of spinning is a bad sign, to say nothing of this sexting business that just radiates "dude who can't read a room." Or is the spinning some of YOUR baggage, that you're still trying to figure out how to wear more gracefully? Because I like that this guy has been straight, saying he wants to date you, wants a relationship. Yeah, there's something jittery in there. But, who knows...

[itsallgrand]

I don't think you are being overly cautious.

 

I think you gave him a fair chance, you saw things you weren't prepared to overlook, and I think you did the right thing calling it a day.

 

None of us are perfect, this is true. But I think you can find a better match, where you won't have to worry about these things. Maybe you are ready to put yourself out there a bit more? Or maybe not. But this can be just an interlude ' hey I can have a really good time out on dates with a man, I remember this now!' and that's all and that would be ok.

 

Welcome back to dating lol. I wish you the best.

[limichelle]

I admit I’m a needy texter but when a guy tells me to tone it down I listen.

 

I also know in texting it’s easy to text things you don’t mean. So him calling you crazy was wrong but in heat of the moment.

 

I think if you feel strongly that he’s crossed a personal boundary then you be true to you.

 

It sounds like he overthinks and isn’t patient. Hence the texting multiple times because you didn’t answer right away.

 

Now the sexting when you aren’t returning it that’s a big no!

 

He sounds like Dr Jekyl on your dates and Mr. Hyde over text.

 

Is there anyway to tell him that his texting is a problem? If he blows up at that then I would definitely say move on.

[boltnrun]

She already did tell him. He responded with the "you're crazy" text rant.

[milly007]

What a thread, FIO. So interesting! Your original post is so detailed and I can say that I was honestly picking-up on the feels from both you him as I read it. What I also love about this post (and I'm grateful that you did post it to this forum), is that it's a situation that a lot of people can relate to in the dating world. I can't imagine the amount of people reading this and thinking, "Hey, I've been there. Can totally relate!".

 

I think you did the right thing by cutting contact with this guy when you did. I honestly don't think that a relationship should feel this exhausting or be this rocky/questionable in the beginning. I obviously don't agree with him having called you crazy, but I do think that he was speaking in the heat of the moment and did not mean to insult or hurt you. Would I have had more respect for him if he picked up the phone to call you and discuss things over the phone instead of hurling insults? Absolutely. But, I think when he referred to you as "crazy" he was only reacting out of embarrassment. He was sending you overtly sexual texts, you responded by basically telling him that you weren't into it. He took your response (telling him to stop) to heart and responded with his 'crazy' comment - He became defensive...was trying to save face. He was embarrassed and felt rejected.

 

It sounds like you're both attracted to each other and there's clearly some sort of chemistry there. If you decide to pursue things further with him, I'd go into it with no expectations and only looking for fun. Brace yourself though, because if what's transpired so far is any indication of what's to come, it could become quite an emotional rollercoaster, I think - a lot of great highs, but some lows, too. You just have to be emotionally prepared.

 

FWIW, I dated someone like this years ago. There was an intense connection...a lot of attraction. We always had fun together when we were hanging out, but when we were apart, texts would be misconstrued and other things happened. But when we were together, it was always positive. I went in knowing that it might only be for fun. And man did I have fun. We were both looking for long-term relationships, but in my heart of hearts, although I loved spending time with him, I knew I couldn't be with him for the long-term. Just too many red flags. To this day, I think of him often and I kinda miss him. I also have no regrets about having had such a fun and memorable experience. For years I would immediately avoid anyone that displayed any red flags. With this guy, I felt that he truly cared about me, so it was easy for me to throw caution to the wind and say, "hey, we only live once. I'm willing to give this go and have some fun". But, I always had my doubts and really only focused on living in the moment and having fun. Was worth it and I'd do it again if given the chance.

 

At the end of the day, this guy doesn't sound like your match for the long-term. But it could be a fun dating experience.

 

I hope you keep us posted. Would love to hear how things pan out. :)

[limichelle]

She already did tell him. He responded with the "you're crazy" text rant.

 

My bad I thought that was when she hadn't gotten back to him he texted her that.

 

I think if he has no respect for your boundaries FIO then it's best you move on from him. Respect goes a long way even in the early stages.

[SherrySher]

Wow...that guy is a major head case. No way would I consider giving him a second chance!

 

You guys are not compatible what so ever and it sounds like work/headache. It's not supposed to be difficult and stressful like that! I was stressed reading it thinking..."oh, god"....it was more and more awkward and everything going exactly how you don't want it to go.

 

At the end of the day, it is up to you, but I personally wouldn't consider it what so ever. Less than a couple months and you're fighting...that says it all right there.

[Honeycomb8]

He sounds like he has issues and wants sex, dunno why you're wasting your time? I cringed at the opening post. You can't be that ... insistent?

[SherrySher]

I agree, Honeycomb...very cringe worthy moments through out the post.

 

You deserve better FIO. This sounds like drama and upset. No one wants that.

 

It's not passion, it's incompatibility and trying to force a round hole into a square peg.

[boltnrun]

I agree...text fights, arguments, misunderstandings...people often want to call it "passion" but what it is, is two people who don't communicate well. And when one person's go to is to text insults...well, what about that is appealing?

[1a1a]

The guy I just dodged seeing was like that, connection in person, arguments over text (but worse because he would say things to provoke arguments). Also with the name calling, doesn't matter Why, what matters is that when you're on the out with them they will call you more names, when they don't get their way, it will all be your fault.

 

I think it's worth holding out for the intense connection person who can sustain that connection via text. (And yes, can almost guarantee if I was receiving this advise I'd optimistically file it away as possibly not the case and see the guy again ah hah, and then get burnt.)

[SherrySher]

Hey by the way, no one should be calling anyone crazy. It's not cute, it's not sweet, it's not endearing, nor is it okay.

 

It's a symptom of something negative/destructive and something wrong in the relationship, bordering on verbal abuse. No excuses.

 

Ask for better, allow better for yourself.

[MissCanuck]

Meh, nope, next.

 

This isn't about playful banter. The dude isn't sweet or endearing (in my opinion) He's insecure and pushy and pouts and huffs when he doesn't get his way.

 

Don't bother going in for round 5 or 6 or whatever it would be now.