When dating, do you copy the time it takes for them to reply when texting?

[katrina1980]

Thank you, Katrina, but I did read your post the first time. I know what mirroring is, I studied psych and have a 4 year degree, so thanks for that.

 

Watching times on texts and ONLY replying depending on the time, in my opinion is silly and games. But other than that, no need to school me. :)

 

No worries SS, I wasn't responding to you specifically, just in general in case someone (the OP) wasn't familiar, which based on her original post, she wasn't.

 

I myself wasn't actually all that familiar with it until a couple of years ago! Not with respect to dating anyway (was in a LTR for years so never had to deal with it).

 

I agree with you that it's silly and game-playing. :)

[SherrySher]

I still say that watching the time and replying depending on what time is it, takes things to the extreme and has more to do with mental instability/insecurity than it does mirroring.

[katrina1980]

I still say that watching the time and replying depending on what time is it, takes things to the extreme and has more to do with mental instability/insecurity than it does mirroring.

 

I agree with you, when people play games like that, it's usually due to some sort of insecurity, among other things.

[Capricorn3]

I still say that watching the time and replying depending on what time is it, takes things to the extreme and has more to do with mental instability/insecurity than it does mirroring.

 

It all leaves me shaking my head and leaving me speechless. No wonder society is down the toilet - the weird and crazy things that people focus on and find so important in their lives. Keeping tabs on timing intervals? Really? I have no words ...

[SherrySher]

Agreed.

 

I am picturing if people did this in real life. Sitting at a table together, one looks at the clock and says something @ 11:45...the other one waits till 12:45 to respond.

It honesty doesn't get any less crazy than that.

[figureitout23]

It all leaves me shaking my head and leaving me speechless. No wonder society is down the toilet - the weird and crazy things that people focus on and find so important in their lives. Keeping tabs on timing intervals? Really? I have no words ...

 

It’s so true and I’m ashamed to say, I did it. The one and only time I ever acted in this manner was with my FWB and that alone should be explanation enough. Any other men I dated, whether it was our first day or in a relationship, I never hesitated to communicate. That fear of newness, that anxiety of what to say during a disagreement. I’ve been there but basic conversation? Only with him and it was because it was a contest to prove who cared less. He would text text text to get me to respond then ignore I’d text text text to get him to respond then ignore back and forth and back and forth the uneasiness, the anxiety...I would actually hesitate to text him back after a certain hour because I had down to a science when he was most likely to respond in a timely manner. Insanity I know. I AM SO GLAD to not do that anymore.

 

Once your interactions become power plays there’s no hope.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. This is not a Psychology Today issue. This is an issue for someone addicted to their phone and if that ping isn't there every few minutes they go nuts and get angry and break up or assume he's cheating, whatever. Similar to a slot machine high from pulling the level, even though the whole thing is a losing proposition.

Keeping tabs on timing intervals? Really? I have no words ...

[Batya33]

What you're explaining, Batya, makes more sense to me.

 

In that scenario, you're talking days (which most people would take notice) especially if it concerns a date. But not time as in...12:45, 1:45...to me that's extreme and bordering on creepy and/or desperate.

 

Oh my goodness no I didn't mean that and you know I am late to the game in texting. I don't note the time and wouldn't - that's just .....weird. But when I was dating I wouldn't call a new guy on a Saturday night or email him then because I didn't want him to know I was at home (yes of course I would if I needed to reach him or had promised to call, etc) - back then without cell phones of course it gave that information and frankly I probably wouldn't have even if I was out with a cell because if I'm out socializing I'm not calling people just to chat.

[superfan]

If I were dating, I would reply whenever I wanted to. This kind of thing is just beyond silly.

[Annia]

I've read about mirroring on some "dating advise websites". There are 2 types of mirroring I've read about though. The texting mirroring and the "interest mirroring". The second one is about showing the other person the same interest they show in yourself. So if they ignore you for example, you step back too. This I don't have much issue with.

 

As to the texting mirroring I think it's silly. If you have a genuinely busy or full life there will be times where you answer right away and others where you take time to answer naturally without having to think about it. I generally answer when I can and don't spend too much thought in weather it was too fast or not.

Another thing I suggest is not engaging in "texting relationships" and instead leave the big conversations to "in person time".

[Kadbanoo]

Lol...ummm, no. Why would anyone do this?

 

Because they read forums like this that often seem to advocate for some type of game playing...

[Kimbles1215]

Hey guys thanks for the replies. We’ve been texting back and forth fine. I don’t ever wait for him to text, but as soon as I look at my phone I will respond to his text whereas with him, he will be online and ignore me for an hour sometimes up to 5 hours because we use WhatsApp and he has his active on so I know when he’s active or not.

 

However, when I finish work at 6pm and realise he hasn’t replied to me since 12pm I start thinking if he’s lost interest of just ignoring me as I know he’s been active on WhatsApp. But then he will reply with a full length paragraph. It just confuses the hell out of me, if you like someone just bloody text them as soon as you see that message don’t ignore that person.

 

We are also supposed to be meeting tomorrow for the first date since I met him out Saturday night and it hasn’t been mentioned since. He hasn’t replied to me either so. I don’t know whether to just make plans and forget it or not. I hate texting so much.

[Kimbles1215]

I also don’t know whether to reply to him or just straight up ignore and cut him off. It’s a difficult one the past 2 days he’s text slightly less and he hasn’t replied for a good 4-5 hours each time and he’s read my message hours previously. Just don’t understand it.

[Wiseman2]

Is this an in-person relationship? You seem excessively concerned with texting times, amounts, intervals, etc.

[Kimbles1215]

I’m not obsessive, we met a week ago Saturday out and he came up to me, and we talked for a good hour. Exchanged numbers and he asked to see me the following day (Sunday) but he cancelled as he was too hungover (so was I) we’ve been texting pretty good but we’re supposed to be meeting tomorrow and it hasn’t been mentioned so I’m unsure where I stand. I don’t particularly want to text him again as he hasn’t replied for hours and he’s seen my message and I don’t want to have to ask him as he was the one who took interest in me first therefore should make more effort but now it seems it’s sswtiched maybe I’m paranoid. I’m just used to guys coming and going I don’t understand.

 

I’m not needy nor pushy. I just want to know where I stand and if it’s even worth pursuing because I haven’t got time to be playing games especially over text. If you are interested in someone make the effort don’t act not interested because it’s pushing me away. Especially ignoring me.

[katrina1980]

This seems like a no brainer but I am trying to put myself in your shoes at 20 years old.

 

kimbles, the simple solution is to stop texting him so much. Stop jumping like a puppy every times he texts you.

 

He’s trying to space the texts out to a reasonable pace, which is actually smart and healthy. You on the other hand, are not getting the hint and continue to respond immediately, which would be fine except for the fact that you expect him to reply back immediately, and when he doesn’t you’re all up in arms about it.

 

That’s your insecurity driving the ship, please explore that. Take steps to resolve otherwise you will drive any healthy emotionally-balanced guy away.

 

Also, by always texting and responding back immediately, you're denying him the opportunity to wonder about you, think about you and miss you, which increases attraction.

 

Yes it is a bit of a “game” or dance in these early stages, and if you play it right, it can be a fun game! And while I do advocate being genuine and honest, it’s important to maintain some emotional balance and boundaries as well, which he's trying to do by waiting a bit to text or respond back.

 

You have only had one date for goodness sakes, try to lower your expectations and not impose on him. He’s not you, he’s not always gonna do things exactly like you do, including when to text and when to respond to your texts.

 

Don’t disparage him for that, respect that! And work on any insecurities you have about it within yourself or with the help of a qualified professional.

[Batya33]

That's different than timing texts. Here's a suggestion. If someone suggests a day to get together fix a time and place right then. Then if needed reconfirm right before or plan when you're going to reconfirm. I have a friend who does that - for many years, pre-cell phone - if we made a plan in advance to meet (he and I were only friends, never dated) -we picked a place and time right then. Then we would quickly reconfirm. If someone had to cancel/reschedule that's fine but we already had the plan. That way far less of a chance of misunderstanding/miscommunication, needing to get in touch, etc. If he asked you out on a date for tomorrow and hasn't followed up simply ask "hey are we still on for tomorrow" but if you mean he vaguely or tentatively suggested it and you didn't ask for specificity at the time then I probably would stop texting him until he makes a plan to see you.

 

When I was dating I didn't let the guy stay in friendly/casual contact with me unless we had another date -time/place planned. And this was before I had a cell phone so most of this was in a phone convo and later email and instant messaging. Why be so available to someone who can't bother to make a plan to see you in person?

[katrina1980]

I think it's quite possible kimbles that all this texting you're doing has caused him to lose some interest in you. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he doesn't contact you about tomorrow's date or flat out blows you off.

[Wiseman2]

All you can assume is he changed his mind after exchanging numbers.

Exchanged numbers and he asked to see me the following day (Sunday) but he cancelled we’re supposed to be meeting tomorrow and it hasn’t been mentioned so I’m unsure where I stand.

[Batya33]

I agree with Katrina with being genuine and honest AND understanding that insecurities/vulnerabilities creep in when you really are interested so do not subject the new person to your vulnerabilities and insecurities by over texting or oversharing. That is not genuine. That is you not being yourself. As far as honest -yes - don't lie -but honest is not the same as "open" - no need to share too much personal stuff early on and texting that often tells him basically what you're doing all the time. He should have an opportunity to unpeel the layers and wonder if you're thinking of him, not have you in his face constantly.

[katrina1980]

I agree with Katrina with being genuine and honest AND understanding that insecurities/vulnerabilities creep in when you really are interested so do not subject the new person to your vulnerabilities and insecurities by over texting or oversharing. That is not genuine. That is you not being yourself. As far as honest -yes - don't lie -but honest is not the same as "open" - no need to share too much personal stuff early on and texting that often tells him basically what you're doing all the time.

 

He should have an opportunity to unpeel the layers and wonder if you're thinking of him, not have you in his face constantly.

 

Agree with B, especially the bolded!! Spot on.

 

Hopefully it's not too late, but it might be.

[figureitout23]

Originally Posted by Batya33

I agree with Katrina with being genuine and honest AND understanding that insecurities/vulnerabilities creep in when you really are interested so do not subject the new person to your vulnerabilities and insecurities by over texting or oversharing. That is not genuine. That is you not being yourself. As far as honest -yes - don't lie -but honest is not the same as "open" - no need to share too much personal stuff early on and texting that often tells him basically what you're doing all the time.

 

He should have an opportunity to unpeel the layers and wonder if you're thinking of him, not have you in his face constantly.

 

Agree with B, especially the bolded!! Spot on.

 

Hopefully it's not too late, but it might be.

 

I agree with the both of you except for the texting games.

 

There is a HUGE difference between not being available to text all day or ending the conversation and allowing space to be had, and purposely ignoring someone to 'get them to wonder about you'. Thats not going to get a natural and healthy response, they either dont care and assume the convo will continue later because you got busy or panic about the other person dropping off mid convo stirring their insecurities, your essentially picking at a scab at an attempt to get them under your thumb. Interest should be genuinely there, it should NEVER be manipulated, if its there, odds are they automatically reply when they get the messages. This man ignoring her, even though she believes he has seen the messages, is to me, a very clear signal that hes chickening out of the date. I dont think she could have done anything to change that, he sounds flaky.

 

 

I'm sorry there is just no reason to play games. I was a bit insulted when another poster said 'yeah but thats what these sites teach us to do' but I'll be d*nmed if you arent advising it....

[katrina1980]

I think it’s both fio (at least for me) -- allowing space to be had to pace it out, which will result (naturally) in the other wondering about you a bit, missing you, which increases attraction in these early stages.

 

It also allows one to maintain their own emotional balance versus becoming too attached too soon, which I'm fairly confident you agree with.

 

You may not like that it’s a bit of a “game” (I used to call it a “dance” but now I call it like it IS), which I understand and respect.

 

Again, and jmo of course, but games aren't necessarily a bad thing when used to consciously maintain boundaries, emotional balance and a bit of distance early on (which may result in the other person's attraction increasing).

 

They're only dangerous when used as a direct manipulation and deception, which I don't believe what I just suggested is.

 

Feel free to disagree but I feel pretty strongly about that.

[figureitout23]

Understood. Agree to disagree

[Batya33]

I think it’s both fio (at least for me) -- allowing space to be had to pace it out, which will result (naturally) in the other wondering about you a bit, missing you, which increases attraction in these early stages.

 

It also allows one to maintain their own emotional balance versus becoming too attached too soon, which I'm fairly confident you agree with.

 

You may not like that it’s a bit of a “game” (I used to call it a “dance” but now I call it like it IS), which I understand and respect.

 

Again, and jmo of course, but games aren't necessarily a bad thing when used to consciously maintain boundaries, emotional balance and a bit of distance early on (which may result in the other person's attraction increasing).

 

They're only dangerous when used as a direct manipulation and deception, which I don't believe what I just suggested is.

 

Feel free to disagree but I feel pretty strongly about that.

So to me there’s a difference between game playing and realizing that you’re tempted to text back right away because you’re feeling unusually insecure and vulnerable because it’s a brand new and maybe a bit of a scary intense connection. Holding back to consider whether you’re responding from a place of strength or insecurity is a good thing. Holding back for a game - not as good but in the old days no I did not respond on a Saturday night to a new person in my life as it was none of his business whether I was home or out and even when I could message from a device (no cell back then) I was reluctant to do so on a weekend night. Of course I would if he had a specific time sensitive question. Game ? Maybe I’m the sense that I didn’t respond based on the time of day but it was a little different back then because there was no expectation of a speedy response to a random call or email. And no expectation that you could easily check who called or emailed.