When dating, do you copy the time it takes for them to reply when texting?

[katrina1980]

I think when folks here the word "game" they automatically think, argh!! Manipulation, devious, bad, wrong!

 

True in some cases it is, but not always.

 

I do recall B your saying that back when you were dating, you would not accept a Saturday night date if a man didn't call by Wednesday (from the book "The Rules") which was sort of a game, no? If that was not you, I apologize.

 

It was self-protection to assure a man was interested, and also, and correct me if I'm wrong, to give the impression you have a busy life (which you no doubt did, but I recall your saying you would not accept the date even if you were not busy), all of which may have resulted in his interest level increasing.

 

I am not quite sure why "game" gets such a bad rap, perhaps it's because of PUA sites, and the like, but to me it's simply being consciously aware of how your actions come across to the other person (and modifying if necessary), so as to not overwhelm them (if your tendency is to be needy or clingy).

 

If one is not aware of this, their nature may drive them to behave in ways that could possibly suffocate, overwhelm and thus drive off the other person, or to get strung along, which may (or may not) be what's happening in kimbles situation.

[katrina1980]

 

Holding back for a game - not as good but in the old days no I did not respond on a Saturday night to a new person in my life as it was none of his business whether I was home or out and even when I could message from a device (no cell back then) I was reluctant to do so on a weekend night.

 

B, re the bolded, not judging you at all, but come on now, that was a bit of a game too! You wanted to give the impression you were out and about, perhaps on a another date, why? So he would wonder about you and thus increase his attraction.

 

Not quite sure why we just can't call it like it is and own up to our own particular strategies and methods of self-protection, there is nothing wrong with that!

 

I mean, even a woman consciously waiting to have sex with a man is a bit of a "game" when you think about it. Not in a negative sense by any means, again it's self-protection and wanting to maintain emotional balance versus becoming too attached too soon. And also not wanting to give him the impression she's "loose" or "easy."

 

I think it's all good and actually necessary if one wants to be smart about dating and render positive results from our experiences.

 

JMO!!!

[Honeycomb8]

OP you need to slow down and breathe. You've only talked to this guy ONCE in person for an hour.

 

He has a life and he doesn't need to reply to you straight away. He might be busy with work or prioritising his friends and other things, which is COMPLETELY normal seeing that you're just some random girl.

 

Are you always this anxious?

Slow down on the replies. Take your time.

[figureitout23]

So to me there’s a difference between game playing and realizing that you’re tempted to text back right away because you’re feeling unusually insecure and vulnerable because it’s a brand new and maybe a bit of a scary intense connection. Holding back to consider whether you’re responding from a place of strength or insecurity is a good thing.

 

Maybe I'm understanding you differently than you mean because to me, this is game playing and is completely unnecessary.

 

I only have a handful of dating experiences since my divorce and before that texting really wasn't that big of a thing, so I cant compare experiences from back then.

 

The ONLY time texting games were played by me was with my FWB for no other reason than, like I've said before, it was a competition to prove who cared less.

 

I cant help but feel like not responding is the exact same thing. Denying how you truly feel. If you like someone show it, if they feel the same it'll be appreciated in my experience.

 

To me, its completely different than constantly texting and double texting and trying to drag out conversations and talking all day just to soothe your anxiety. In that respect, I completely agree do everything you can to keep yourself in check. But simply responding to a text? Unnecessary extra step. I think being open and honest with people just works so much better. If you have an intense connection, keep it going! If its mutual, communication is only going to make things better! I think allowing things to progress naturally works better than making chess moves

 

I can honestly say I have never been turned off or changed my mind about someone because they texted in a timely manner, or sent a random, 'Hey look at this!' or 'wanna see a movie tonight?'

 

I guess I can see your argument in the mindset of men leading but if theyre taking the risk of reaching out, I kinda think its only fair to text them back in a timely manner.

 

I dont know, I personally find a man who communicates and texts back in a timely manner to be s*xy as hell. I might be alone, but I think I'll find him.

[figureitout23]

 

If one is not aware of this, their nature may drive them to behave in ways that could possibly suffocate, overwhelm and thus drive off the other person, or to get strung along, which may (or may not) be what's happening in kimbles situation.

 

This I agree with. If you tend to text out of anxiety and insecurity you gotta keep yourself in check.

 

Also texting isnt going to fix anything.

 

If you have a gut feeling they're pulling away. The WORST thing you can do is reach out more. Allow them to do what theyre going to do. I dont think thats game playing though, I think thats saving your dignity.

[katrina1980]

This I agree with. If you tend to text out of anxiety and insecurity you gotta keep yourself in check.

 

Also texting isnt going to fix anything.

 

If you have a gut feeling they're pulling away. The WORST thing you can do is reach out more. Allow them to do what theyre going to do. I dont think thats game playing though, I think thats saving your dignity.

 

See to me it's simply called having a bit of "game." Meaning having your own personal strategy for maintaining emotional balance and keeping yourself in check, which is smart!

 

Which, if we were to get really honest, does often result in a man's interest level increasing. And vice versa when roles are flipped.

 

So perhaps we DO agree after all fio!

[Batya33]

B, re the bolded, not judging you at all, but come on now, that was a bit of a game too! You wanted to give the impression you were out and about, perhaps on a another date, why? So he would wonder about you and thus increase his attraction.

 

Not quite sure why we just can't call it like it is and own up to our own particular strategies and methods of self-protection, there is nothing wrong with that!

 

I mean, even a woman consciously waiting to have sex with a man is a bit of a "game" when you think about it. Not in a negative sense by any means, again it's self-protection and wanting to maintain emotional balance versus becoming too attached too soon. And also not wanting to give him the impression she's "loose" or "easy."

 

I think it's all good and actually necessary if one wants to be smart about dating and render positive results from our experiences.

 

JMO!!!

 

I waited because of my values and for health and safety reasons and for pregnancy reasons. And it wasn’t a game to protect myself emotionally - for me it was self care. And no I did not want a man I was just getting to know to know I was home on a Saturday nights not because I could be on another date but because I had a social life and I didn’t need to be available to chat on a Saturday We could talk Sunday afternoon or whenever.

 

It wasn’t his business what I was doing on a date night or a typical going out night. And most men didn’t call me on Saturday nights because they were out too. Remember I didn’t have a cell phone. And sure I employed some strategies and if you would prefer to call them “games” no worries. I don’t paint all “games” with the same broad brush. I’m proud that I didn’t accept a weekend date with rare exception if he called me after Wednesday night. Neither did most of my friends. That is until we were steadily dating but by then it was understood we’d be seeing each other on the weekend.

 

And almost all of the time I had plans before Wednesday night for my weekend. So very often I was busy. I never lost a guy’s interest because I declined. In a number of cases they simply asked me for the following weekend or for a date during the week and if I was available I said yes.

I never told them what I was doing just that I was busy. I’m a big fan of having a busy and fun and fulfilling life - whether you’re active on your own or going out with friends - and that I find is really attractive to new people because you make time for them of course but they know better not going to have to be your main form of entertainment. And then you have fun stories to share when you get together whether it’s about hobbies or sports or cultural stuff or volunteer work. Etc.

 

Maybe some women withhold sex as a game. I never did.

[Honeycomb8]

Yeah it's really important to have your own life and not to hang on someone. My ex bf never had anything interesting to do through the week besides hanging out with me and I quickly realised I was the one with the social life. I'd ask him what he did in the weekend and he could never tell me anything interesting. That was partially why it didn't work. I think it's a huge turn off.

[katrina1980]

I waited because of my values and for health and safety reasons and for pregnancy reasons. And it wasn’t a game to protect myself emotionally - for me it was self care. And no I did not want a man I was just getting to know to know I was home on a Saturday nights not because I could be on another date but because I had a social life and I didn’t need to be available to chat on a Saturday We could talk Sunday afternoon or whenever.

 

It wasn’t his business what I was doing on a date night or a typical going out night. And most men didn’t call me on Saturday nights because they were out too. Remember I didn’t have a cell phone. And sure I employed some strategies and if you would prefer to call them “games” no worries. I don’t paint all “games” with the same broad brush. I’m proud that I didn’t accept a weekend date with rare exception if he called me after Wednesday night. Neither did most of my friends. That is until we were steadily dating but by then it was understood we’d be seeing each other on the weekend.

 

And almost all of the time I had plans before Wednesday night for my weekend. So very often I was busy. I never lost a guy’s interest because I declined. In a number of cases they simply asked me for the following weekend or for a date during the week and if I was available I said yes.

I never told them what I was doing just that I was busy. I’m a big fan of having a busy and fun and fulfilling life - whether you’re active on your own or going out with friends - and that I find is really attractive to new people because you make time for them of course but they know better not going to have to be your main form of entertainment. And then you have fun stories to share when you get together whether it’s about hobbies or sports or cultural stuff or volunteer work. Etc.

 

Maybe some women withhold sex as a game. I never did.

 

Batya, I apologize I didn't mean any offense.

 

With respect to the 'waiting for sex' comment, there was no need to get so defensive on that, I wasn't referring to you. Fact is many women do wait for the reasons I stated, which is OKAY. You had your own reasons, which are also OKAY. And I have my reasons, which are also OKAY. It's all good!

 

That said, in general, it does appear you have misunderstood the entire premise of my posts on this topic (game), which you're viewing as a negative thing, which imo it's not as I have been "trying" to explain.

 

No worries though, the written word is often quite ambiguous and this is a hot topic so, par for the course.

 

Have a great evening!

[katrina1980]

Yeah it's really important to have your own life and not to hang on someone. My ex bf never had anything interesting to do through the week besides hanging out with me and I quickly realised I was the one with the social life. I'd ask him what he did in the weekend and he could never tell me anything interesting. That was partially why it didn't work. I think it's a huge turn off.

 

Yeah he needed to up his "game" a bit which would include of course getting a life! Things may have turned out differently had he done that. NOT just to maintain your interest (or any woman's) but for himself as well.

[abitbroken]

I noticed the age old "well, he was online for six hours and didn't text me" .... sometimes people have apps running in the background and it says they are online when they are not -- or they are -- but they are not looking at that app. people go to work, maybe exercise, have family obligations, etc. "status stalking" someone can drive someone crazy. if you talked to someone for an hour -- i would not be texting them so much - he ALREADY spoke to you - the ONLY next step is coffee, lunch or otherwise asking you out on a date preferably by phone since he already spoke to you. If you hadn't spoken to him yet - i can see texting a bit to plan the first meet and to see if there was common ground -- but not for long.

[Batya33]

Batya, I apologize I didn't mean any offense.

 

With respect to the 'waiting for sex' comment, there was no need to get so defensive on that, I wasn't referring to you. Fact is many women do wait for the reasons I stated, which is OKAY. You had your own reasons, which are also OKAY. And I have my reasons, which are also OKAY. It's all good!

 

That said, in general, it does appear you have misunderstood the entire premise of my posts on this topic (game), which you're viewing as a negative thing, which imo it's not as I have been "trying" to explain.

 

No worries though, the written word is often quite ambiguous and this is a hot topic so, par for the course.

 

Have a great evening!

Thanks for clarifying. I didn’t like the general implication I got from your post that somehow holding off on sex because the man or woman knows they get emotionally attached through sex - or likely could -is somehow a form of game playing as opposed to wanting to wait until the relationship is exclusive or more solid etc. Thanks for clarifying that you didn’t mean it that way. I think an adult who enjoys sex outside of commitment should have sex with another single adult if he or she feels like it and I also think sometimes a person has sex right away even if he or she isn’t quite ready because the person believes her will bond the other person to them more. And others just find sex pleasurable and fun whether it’s with a stranger or a spouse. To each his own. And yes I’m careful to say him or her because although often it is thecwoman that’s not always true. I dated several men who also wanted to wait because they had the same values about sex that I did.