Should I be concerned or am I being a little sensitive...

[Sweet Sue]

Hollyj.......his adult children are 29, 25 and 22. Two work full time, but they don't make enough money to live on their own. The youngest one is still in college. I hope that answers

your question.

 

Wiseman2.......he expressed a concern with me last month when my brother was visiting me and my dad from Texas. My brother does not visit often and stays just 2 weeks.

Now, during that time, I invited "Andy" over every couple of days. I thought in my mind it was giving me time to visit with my brother and do activities with him and still find

time to spend with my honey, "Andy". When my brother left, "Andy" was looking despondent. When I asked him why, he said, "I felt like a second banana when your brother was here." When I asked him why he felt that way, he said," because I wanted to be invited over more often than just every 3 days." I told him that I didn't realize that he felt left out, and that I was sorry and what I thought was "Andy" wanted to allow time for me to visit my brother that I only see twice a year and didn't want to intrude. I told him that the next time my brother visits, I would be sure and include him, if he so desires, in more of the family activities.

He has concerns over my health. I received a diagnosis of MS this March. He is concerned if I will ever have a normal life and can do more outdoor activities with him. I am in constant pain and must take daily naps, which puts a cramp in afternoon recreational outdoor fun. My fear is that he will grow tired of my illness and leave me for a healthier woman. It wouldn't be the first time it has happened. It is a great fear that I have, however.

[MissCanuck]

Then, about 2 weeks ago, it was around 10:00 at night, while we were watching a movie on cd, he announces to me that he needs to go to his car to check his phone message from one of his sons to reread the message to see if he read it correctly and he would be right back. This is the first time I noticed that he didn't bring is phone in the house like always. Then, he leaves to go home just one hour later. I wondered what was so important that he had to read at 10 that couldn't wait for one more hour?

 

It also seems very strange to me that he left the phone in the car, and seemed to know that (rather than just having realized he'd forgot it there), and made an excuse to go and check it. If he'd really forgotten it, it could have been a simple "Jeez, just realized my phone's in the car, let me go grab it." That strikes me as an engineered move on his part.

 

Sorry OP, but I think you are not wrong to be suspicious.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Considering he has already expressed serious doubts regarding the relationship's sustainability, it may be best to enjoy things but not get invested, keep it casual. It may be best to look for someone more accepting of you as you are. Unfortunately it sounds like there are incompatibilities.

He is concerned if I will ever have a normal life and can do more outdoor activities with him.

[Hollyj]

I'm sorry, OP. I can't imagine having to deal with this.

 

I think it is very odd that he wanted so much time with you and your brother. If it had been me, it would have been twice in a two week period. I also think it strange since you have not even met his family. Hypocritical . These are not young kids.

 

The older kids at home thing, would be too much. I can't imagine living with my partner with 3 adults in the house. Ridiculous.

 

The phone bit is really off.

 

Lastly, the health. If he is having concerns now, it will simply get worse.

 

I would cut your losses at such an early stage.

[Sweet Sue]

Hollyj.......I have met his oldest son on two occasions. It was very brief. I wasn't sure he would even come home that evening. It was explained

to me that he might be there, but maybe not. On both of these occasions, his son spoke to me for two minutes, then both times, retreated to his

room to eat dinner and watch tv, even though he could have eaten dinner with us and watch the same football game we were watching. "Andy" explained

his behavior by telling me that he wanted to give us some privacy. Personally, I wish "Andy" or even myself, had asked him to sit down and join us!

I would have used that opportunity to get to know him better. We discussed with each other that should this lead to marriage, it would only happen after

the kids were gainfully employed and have their own place. I wouldn't do it any other way.

 

Anyone: should I bring the leaving his phone in the car to recheck a message to his attention? We haven't spoken for 5 days now because I told him that I have

concerns, but that was one that I didn't bring up.

[Sweet Sue]

One more thing........I am not trying to keep tabs on him. He is a grown man and has every right to do the things he enjoys, just like I do.

I want you to tell me if I am being unreasonable (because he tells me I am), to inquire what he did that day (since we only speak a night unless

he is over here), and when I found out he went to the mountains to bike ride and hike, my response was, " Oh I didn't know you were going to the

mountains, you didn't tell me. I would have like to have known that and maybe if I had known that, we could have spent the day together since you

are always looking for ways for us to get away." I thought we had a better relationship than that. As for me, I am the kind of person that tells him my

plans if they involve going out of town. Not running errands, but if I plan a day trip to the lake, (I haven't done that yet), he is my honey and I would

run that by him and see if he would like to join me. It would be fun to have my sweetheart with me and get away.

He did tell me one time that he would always let me and at least one of his kids know about his plans to go to the mountains and hike, just in case of emergency.

We would know where to send for help. He may have told his oldest, but he didn't tell me.

So, am I being unreasonable if "Andy" goes out of town for recreational fun and doesn't let me know and doesn't invite me? His answer to me was:" you don't get

to tell me where and when I may go somewhere." "You may express a different opinion or suggest a different way." end of message.

[Starlight925]

if I share a desire

from him and express something I would like to do together, he comes back with, "are you making demands on me now?"

 

Seriously? He asks if you're making demands on him when you're simply expressing an interest in doing an activity together?

 

He demands more of your precious little time while your brother is here? Second banana? Really?

 

He "forgets" his phone in the car, and he takes hours, days, to respond to Facebook messages, because his phone is having "issues". Suspicious, suspicious.

 

And finally, he doesn't "like" that you have an illness. It's "too much" for him.

 

You have written before about being afraid of finding someone for whom your illness will be too much. Sometimes, we attract exactly what we focus on.

 

And for the pièce de resistance.....3 adult kids who can't seem to get it together enough to move out. He won't be exclusive with you now, but talks marriage "when/if" they are gainfully employed.

 

This guy is a piece of work. Just goes to show, that with age does not necessarily come maturity.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you both have valid and serious concerns. Hairdressers, kids not hanging with old folks, phones in cars, where he goes to hike/bike are the least of your concerns.

 

The main concern is he is losing interest and sadly has voiced that your lifestyles are too different and that he can't handle your health issues. The rest is trivia compared to that.

 

It's time to reflect and decide if his fading/concerns is something you want to stick around for or just end things because of all the incompatibilities. Getting in detective mode because of past cheating is pointless with these other major concerns.

We haven't spoken for 5 days now because I told him that I have concerns

[Batya33]

If you haven't heard from him in 5 days I'd interpret that as it's over, and move on. Sorry.

[Annia]

I think that there is another woman in the picture.

 

I don't know if there's another woman, but I find it a bit strange that his 3 adult children live with him and are in such constant contact with him at all times. It might be cultural, but all this attachment to the kids and his way of being might not be compatible with the type of relationship that the OP wants to have. Besides, at almost 3 months, the usual honeymoon stage, OP is already analysing everything. Regardless if he's being shady or not, it reveals that the OP is not sure about this relationship, so it ight be a sign that he's not the right person for her.

[Annia]

It also seems very strange to me that he left the phone in the car, and seemed to know that (rather than just having realized he'd forgot it there), and made an excuse to go and check it. If he'd really forgotten it, it could have been a simple "Jeez, just realized my phone's in the car, let me go grab it." That strikes me as an engineered move on his part.

 

Sorry OP, but I think you are not wrong to be suspicious.

 

I found that one very weird too...

[Sweet Sue]

So, tell me.........am I being unreasonable to ask my boyfriend to let me know if he is going out of town to do recreational activities?

I understand he is a grown man and is over the age of 21 and I am not trying to keep tabs on him. I was surprised to find out that he

went to the mountains,,,which is only 90 miles away,,,and is only a state park and didn't tell me when just the night before as we are

saying goodnight, I asked him if he was plannning on going to church. He simply replied, "no." I am guessing he made plans to go

but didn't want me to go along with him. When I asked him why he didn't let me know or see if I wanted to go...even though I most likely

would not have gone and I don't own a bike, he replied," because you don't like to hike or ride bikes!" I replied that I do like to ride bikes, but

I don't have one, but maybe going on a small hike would have been fun, at least we are sharing the day together." I did not mention that he

stated before that he would always let me or his oldest son know where he is in case he doesn't make it back." I will if we ever speak again.

IN YOUR OPINION, IT IS UNREASONABLE OR AM I BEING TO SENSITIVE?

[Batya33]

In my opinion if I was dating someone for 2 months and he was going out of town for more than a day trip such that we would not be in touch during our regular time then it would be nice of him to tell me so I didn't worry if I didn't hear from him (meaning if he had no cell service where he was going). I do not think he needs to invite you just because you might enjoy the activity. You can discuss with him as appropriate what you enjoy doing and you should suggest plans that you make that involve those activities rather than waiting for him to invite you and make plans.

 

But that is hypothetical. I think you are wasting time continuing to date this person.

[catfeeder]

So, tell me.........am I being unreasonable to ask my boyfriend to let me know if he is going out of town to do recreational activities?

 

[...] I am guessing he made plans to go but didn't want me to go along with him.

 

Yes, it's unreasonable because it comes off in a way that we know you don't intend. It either says, "You can't make any of your own plans that I don't know about..." OR, "You 'must' want me to go on any such plans you make in the future..."

 

And either statement is controlling. It also doesn't make sense, because you've clarified to him that any physical excursions with you would need to be short ones, so this assumes that he can never plan his own hardcore excursions without either your permission or inclusion.

 

We know that that's NOT how you intend to sound. So a better way to get what you want is to ask, "Do you think next Saturday or Sunday you and I could go for a short hike or bike ride?"

 

This skips imposing limits on him while asking specifically for what you want.

[Starlight925]

Agree with both Batya and Catfeeder.

 

Sure, it would be nice of him to tell you where he's going, but just because he's being nice and communicative, not because he feels he has to run things by you.

 

He might enjoy going alone, or with someone as avid an outdoorsperson as he is. Don't feel you have to twist yourself into a pretzel to enjoy his activities with him.

 

Here's a great way to frame it: First of all, don't ask him where he is, or "remind" him that he told you he'd let someone know where he's going to be. He's a grown man. He knows this.

 

Just let him go where he pleases, and when he returns and tells you about it, ask him how it was. Enthusiastically, and ask questions about it. Period. I bet he'll start asking you to join him. Right now, he might feel nagged by you, even though I know that's not your intent. Or worse, clingy, which I know isn't your intent either.

[Sweet Sue]

Another incident comes to mind, we have discussed on numerous occasions finding time to get away for one or two nights. I told him that the only way I could it, was if I

have someone to stay with my father. My brother came to visit for over two weeks in August. I let "Andy" know that my brother was visiting and since he would be more

than happy to take care of dad for me, so we could discuss making plans to go somewhere. He said nothing. Then, four days before my brother is due to leave, I remind

"Andy" that my brother will be leaving soon, so if he is still wanting to go somewhere for one or two nights, let's make a game plan. He just nodded.

The very day that my brother left to go home, "Andy" came over and said, "Oh I am so sorry, I didn't realize your brother was leaving so soon. I wish I had been better

organized. I am sorry. I will make it up to you."

Just another one of those little annoyances.....or maybe I am fretting for nothing.

[catfeeder]

Another incident comes to mind, we have discussed on numerous occasions finding time to get away for one or two nights. I told him that the only way I could it, was if I

have someone to stay with my father. My brother came to visit for over two weeks in August. I let "Andy" know that my brother was visiting and since he would be more

than happy to take care of dad for me, so we could discuss making plans to go somewhere. He said nothing. Then, four days before my brother is due to leave, I remind

"Andy" that my brother will be leaving soon, so if he is still wanting to go somewhere for one or two nights, let's make a game plan. He just nodded.

The very day that my brother left to go home, "Andy" came over and said, "Oh I am so sorry, I didn't realize your brother was leaving so soon. I wish I had been better

organized. I am sorry. I will make it up to you."

Just another one of those little annoyances.....or maybe I am fretting for nothing.

 

I'm not sure if you're reading your responses. The above could have been avoided if you had come up with the game plan yourself and offered it to him. You're being passive-aggressive. You're 'prompting' and then falling frustrated when the guy doesn't do what you wish. Skip that. It's not all on him. When he mentions doing something, you raise certain barriers. So if you want to propose something that overcomes those barriers, such as the short walk or bike ride or a night away when you've arranged for Dad's care, then DO that.

 

Very few people take the bait when prompted in an abstract sense. "Let's do lunch sometime..." is a prime example. A sincere effort is to say, "Are you free for lunch on Thursday to meet at Rob's?" Anything short of that is an attempt to push someone else into doing the heavy lifting, and when they don't do that 'properly,' they're the bad guy? That's a passive-aggressive setup, and it doesn't buy you anything but resentment. Likely mutual resentment.