How do I deal with this?

[Lucy861]

Hi so I was with my ex who was divorced - relationship lasted 8 months - best relationship I’ve been in, both so happy all the time everything good despite me caring for my mother who was dying. Anyway my mum passed away and a week later my ex tells me he’s sorry but he can’t do this anymore - everything got too much for him and he seemed to shut down from me.

 

Speaking to him post break up he tells me he still has feelings for me, did feel he’d made a mistake, did want to call me often to sort things but felt he’d left it too late to sort things

 

then he tells me that at this point he met someone else (a week post break up) and he sees something in that - they’ve now been in a relationship for 3 months

 

any advice would be great please

 

im angry about how he treated me as he’s hurt me more than anyone ever has due to his timing and comments post breakup to then find out he’s with someone else. But still everyday I’m ruminating and thinking about him as I loved him so much :(

[ThatwasThen]

I'm sorry you've lost your mom, Lucy. It must be very painful to be going through the disappointment of a failed relationship as well as grieving your loss. In time, I hope you feel better and that if you are struggling, you don't hesitate to see a therapist or grief counselor to help you process all that you're going through.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear about your mother and this situation. 🙁 How long was he divorced when you started dating? It sounds like he is/was too superficial to sustain anything past the rosy glow stage. Don't confuse that with love. He didn't.

 

Do not stay in touch, it's keeping you angry and preventing moving forward. Go no contact. Simply delete and block him from all messaging and social media.

I was with my ex who was divorced - relationship lasted 8 months.

 

Speaking to him post break up he tells me he still has feelings for me.

 

then he tells me that at this point he met someone else

[bluecastle]

I'm sorry to hear this, and sorry to hear about your mother. Hugs and condolences.

 

People show their true character during trying moments, and he's shown you his, which is very weak. When things get to be "too much" he buckles, which isn't a great quality. You saw that when your mother was sick. He's now gone ahead and shown you another version, by making emotional overtures with you while seeing someone else. That is deeply uncool, and not someone worth your time.

 

Bottom line is: he's seeing someone. Maybe that new relationship is a bit "too much" and he's looking around for a soft exit with you. But that's just lame. If he wants to end that, do some self-work, and THEN reach out to you...well, okay. But I don't think that kind of integrity is in his wheelhouse.

 

Time to really cut contact, let this go, and live your life.

[DancingFool]

Don't know how long he has been divorced, but it sounds like he is on the rebound and sowing wild oats. Yes, when people are in that mode they are all fun and giggles. It's truly a whirlwind romance type stuff and where you are going out, doing things, a laugh a minute. However, it's also highly superficial, so take that with a grain of salt. Try to see it for what it was and let go. My condolences about your mom. Hang in there. Life does get better and you will meet a better, kinder man who is looking to be all in and not just talk, promises and good times only.

[Lucy861]

He can’t be superficial in that way as he was married for 7 years

 

He’d been divorced for at least a year I think it wasn’t a short period anyway

[Lucy861]

Sorry if I caused confusion here - it was two months ago he said he still has feelings for me etc - we’ve been no contact since as he said all that to me and then told me he didn’t want to hurt her - so to protect myself I stopped speaking to him

[Lucy861]

Maybe therefore his just in yet another rebound now? It still hurts though that he’s so happy whilst I’m struggling so much with everything :(

[Andrina]

In my experience, it takes at minimum a good 4 to 6 months to get over someone you were crazy about, so just know how you feel is normal. You have to put in the time to get to the next level, since magic wands don't exist. You will be happy again in your own time. Don't compare what your experience is to another's, especially an ex. He is no longer your concern, and giving him space in your brain is nothing he deserves.

 

I'm so sorry for the passing of your mother. She was lucky to have a loving daughter to care for her in the end.

[Lucy861]

Thank you for your kind words :)

[DancingFool]

Everyone can absolutely be superficial. You have no idea what really happened in his marriage and why it tanked like that, you only have his version of it.

 

I know it's hard, but please don't assume that he is sooo happy. Deep inside he probably is anything but. Sounds like he is running and trying to plug a hole. That said, you do need to work hard on letting go. Yes, it was fun and maybe you needed that given what you were dealing with. However, you can't live on just good times. At some point you need something deeper and stronger and now you are free to find that.

 

Also agree with above poster - do be kind to yourself and allow yourself to heal. What you feel is normal and eventually the pain passes, as you look back you start to notice things that weren't so great and rosy and then you just....stop caring at all and move on.

[Lucy861]

I’m finding letting go near to impossible. I am really trying but dwelling constantly on the fact he’s moved on, is happy, left me for dust without a second thought etc and it hurts so bad

[bluecastle]

I’m finding letting go near to impossible. I am really trying but dwelling constantly on the fact he’s moved on, is happy, left me for dust without a second thought etc and it hurts so bad

 

I know how hard this is.

 

Try to understand that what you just wrote is not a fact, but a projection created by your imagination to reinforce the most painful reading of things.

[DanZee]

You're better off without this guy. If he bailed out because you weren't giving him your full attention because of your mother, he's no one you should waste your thoughts on. He showed his true stripes. Instead of pining for him, you should be saying good riddance!

[Wiseman2]

This is because you are taking it personally, rather than realizing 7 mos is the rosy glow stage and he was rebounding from divorce in the kid-in-a-candy-store mode.

 

Also it served as a distraction for you as well in dealing with grief and now your anger is directed at him. Try to address your grief rather than continue to believe some recently divorce guy you dated several months is causing this much of a reaction.

I am really trying but dwelling constantly on the fact he’s moved on, is happy.

[Lucy861]

I realise I’m probably more upset about the breakup as it was within a week of my mum dying and before the funeral so I’m not in a good place overall.

 

This being said - him telling me 2 months ago he still has feelings for me, he’d seen us together for years to come, had thought about ringing me to sort things but didn’t know how to deal with it and thought he’d left it too long, telling me he has happy memories of us etc and then he gets with someone else within a week and then tells me he doesn’t know if things would be different if he hadn’t met her because he has now... just makes no sense at all

 

Can’t help but think he’s full of rubbish, never cared about me etc and has now thrown me on the scrap heap in favour of a new woman

 

Just hurts that he’s happy while I’m struggling so badly

[Wiseman2]

Sorry he strung you along like this. The only take home from this is "years to come" and 7 mos do not mix. And perhaps it was not an ideal time to date considering how vulnerable you were.

him telling me 2 months ago he still has feelings for me, he’d seen us together for years to come.

[Lucy861]

Do you guys think his new relationship will last? Is he really super happy, loved up etc?

[ThatwasThen]

Do you guys think his new relationship will last? Is he really super happy, loved up etc?

The chances are slim that he'll contact you again even if his new relationship doesn't last so please do not put yourself on hold worrying about the likes of him. Takes some time to grieve your loss(es), do fun things with friends and family, be kind to yourself (get a make over, join a gym, take a class, meet a goal.) and in time you'll be happy in your own skin and ready to get back out there and date.

 

Feel better soon!

[Lucy861]

Do you all think I was just a rebound to him? Have I now set him up to be happy with someone else or is she a rebound too?

[Wiseman2]

Neither of you may be rebounds per se. Just a string of short term relationships and women he is going through enjoying freedom from the end a marriage and all the bs of divorce. It's not about her or you. It's about trying out all the different flavors for a while.

 

It's about where he is currently at. Do not wish for him back. Wish for a better guy you can date for longer than a few months.

Do you all think I was just a rebound to him? Have I now set him up to be happy with someone else or is she a rebound too?

[Jibralta]

I'm very sorry to hear about your mom. It stinks that you have to deal with this stupid situation on top of your grief.

 

Speaking to him post break up he tells me he still has feelings for me, did feel he’d made a mistake, did want to call me often to sort things but felt he’d left it too late to sort things

 

then he tells me that at this point he met someone else (a week post break up) and he sees something in that - they’ve now been in a relationship for 3 months

 

any advice would be great please

 

This being said - him telling me 2 months ago he still has feelings for me, he’d seen us together for years to come, had thought about ringing me to sort things but didn’t know how to deal with it and thought he’d left it too long, telling me he has happy memories of us etc and then he gets with someone else within a week and then tells me he doesn’t know if things would be different if he hadn’t met her because he has now... just makes no sense at all

 

Can’t help but think he’s full of rubbish, never cared about me etc and has now thrown me on the scrap heap in favour of a new woman

 

I suggest you take measures to forget about him. What I see here is him putting you on the hook in a big way. Two months later telling you that he has feelings, but sorry he's with someone else... I think he believes that you might beg for him back! No rational man would say such a thing to a rational woman. It's outrageous and it makes no sense. It's total BS.

 

Another thing, how would you feel if you were dating him for three months and found out that he was telling some other chick that he'd rather be with her but was too peckerless to do anything about it ... and it was your turn to have him, after all?

 

This is the kind of man that you're pining over. NOT a winner.

[forthebest]

I’m finding letting go near to impossible. I am really trying but dwelling constantly on the fact he’s moved on, is happy, left me for dust without a second thought etc and it hurts so bad

 

If it is any consolation, I am dealing with that myself and I totally empathize with your feelings. But you have to find the inner strength within you and climb this mountain yourself.