My aviation career and my relationship

[Hiei]

Hello everyone. First time posting here. Thanks for clicking and helping in any way you can.

 

I'll go right into it. I need some advice. I'm currently working as a aviation industry and my girlfriend is having a hard time in accepting some of the norms in this career choice of mine. One of the biggest things we are fighting about right now is that she believes I should not be allowed to hang out with a group of people when there's a female involved. So basically I have to be with an all male group at all times. Before, she used to be okay with me hanging out with a group as long as there's a male included. Not just females. And now she changed and its basically a break up if I don't agree.

 

I know being in a aviation industry already makes it complicated since I'm always on the go. Quick background, every time my crew and I finishes day of flying we usually end up in a "layover" in a hotel. It can range from somewhere between 11 hours to 30 hours. That could be a very long time if I chose to be alone or forced to be alone if agree to her demand. I usually just bring my laptop, watch Netflix, play video games. However I usually get invited out to have a drink or to have dinner in the lobby or nearby restaurants. And usually I'm the only male. Or there would be another male but he is either already making plans or made plans with the others. Am I supposed to be like "Hey man are you doing anything later tonight? Well I was wondering if you want to get drinks but don't tell the girls because I can only hang out with you". OR lets say a male coworker asks me to join him for dinner but didn't tell me he was bringing one of the girls. I show up and she's there, Am I supposed to leave and say "I'm sorry but I now have to skip dinner because now there's a female presence that I didn't know prior".

 

She thinks that if I go out with a group, outside of work, I have more tendency to create a "connection". I tried telling her what is the difference when I can make a connection IF I REALLY WANTED TO, working together with my female coworkers on a 6-12 hour flight. If I really wanted to, I can make a connection anywhere and everywhere. She thinks its because at work we are required to be professional and that there is no way for me to make a connection, meanwhile I am thinking, that she developed feelings while at work and married her ex-husband from her prior job before.

 

Please help. I just don't see the rationality into her demands. I could be working in this career for the rest of my life and I can't see myself saying no to every single invite to a group meal/drinks when there are females involved. If this is a problem, then I should also work at a almost ALL MALE industry.

 

Thank you for your time.

[DissyLu]

Oh wow, her "demands" are incredibly unreasonable and controlling. You're an adult, not a child.

 

She doesn't feel bad that you have to sit alone in your hotel room for 15 to 30 hours? No socialization at all?

 

Was she cheated on prior to dating you? What is the reason behind her trying to police you?

 

I will say, I was cheated on by two of my ex's and I had horrible trust issues for a long time because of that. But I learned that no matter what I do to try and prevent infidelity, if a person wants to cheat, they'll do so. Policing a partner is a sure fire way to destroy a relationship. I eventually learned to trust my bf, he's never given me a reason not to. As long as you've shown her you're loyal to her and you've been good to her, she needs to get a grip.

 

Tell her you're going to socialize and if females are present, oh well! We do make up 50% of the population. But be in contact with her before you go to bed at night. Maybe that will ease her worries.

 

Good luck!

[19Nick87]

Been there, done that. My job is almost identical, with a different form of transportation. My ex was the same way, first only if guys are present, than not at all, it got to the point where having a smart phone or my laptop at an away from home terminal meant I was trolling the internet for hookups. If shes that insecure you are going to have a long road ahead of you.

 

After 4 years I couldnt do it anymoroe and cracked. My honest opinion is to go to a counselor together and if yoi cant come to an agreement than ita time to eother find a new carreer or a new partner.

[DanZee]

Do you have to tell her the names and sex of everybody you have dinner with or have drinks with? When she asks if you had dinner with any girls, you tell her, "No, honey, only guys. There was Fred, Jerry and John there." You will be saving your girlfriend a lot of grief in worrying about who you're with. Little white lies are fine when you're doing it for the benefit of someone else.

 

The alternative is you break up with her right now. She's being controlling and demanding, and it sounds like it's getting to the level of emotional abuse. These things usually escalate with time, so it probably won't get any better. And she may be trying to force you out of your career entirely so you will be home every night and she can make sure you're not cheating on her. It's something to be worried about. But for now, just tell her what she wants to hear as a stop-gap measure.

[Keyman]

Do what I say or we break up? Controlling, and major trust issues that you have to be lumped with.

 

Tell her she does not have the right to demand you do anything and if she has an issue with it, then perhaps breaking up is the best thing.

[Lester]

Does she do the same?

[JCSK]

^^^Exactly what I was wondering.^^^ Does she work and exist in an all female work/social environment whilst you are away? No doubt this will continue to escalate (it already has to some extent.) You must not isolate yourself, that is not fair. I think you have two three choices: continue to hide away and accept her exacting demands, put your foot down and tell her that occasional socialising with the opposite sex is sometimes unavoidable but that you love her very much and if she can't find it in her self to believe that then maybe you're not right for each other. Finally, you just walk away and find someone who is a lot more comfortable with you being away a lot. I'm guessing a lot of these women are quire attractive and that probably doesn't help! My partner is away on business quite often and it doesn't even enter my head who he's socialising with in the evening. We text and facetime a little bit but for the most part I'm just pottering around doing my own thing until he gets back. Total trust both ways, and you have to have that or lets face it, what's the point?

[Flute13]

Hi,

 

I'm in a relationship with a pilot too and I can understand a bit her insecurities as I am an anxious person. The thing is, she has to learn to deal with them and there is no better way to do it than concelling and getting some sort of therapy.

 

So you could explain her that she will need to change these trust issues or it will not work out. I guess that if she does not have money to afford a therapist, you could help her to pay it. I would not suggest lying to her and telling "no honey, there were just jerry, matt and sam here tonight" as a jealous woman has many ways to find out the truth or to accuse you of whatever she believes in even if it is not true.

 

Maybe being honest would just be the best thing to do. I know that I prefer when my fiancé is honest with me. Instead of hidding the truth, you can just say, "I'm going for supper with the girls and Mark tonight. I'll keep you updated. I love you and can't wait to see you again". If you do all she wants, you will end up miserable and it is not healthy. You might become recentful and eventually break up. Also, if she tries to control you so much, you might eventually break up anyway. So better being honest.

 

I trust my boyfriend and even though I am insecure sometimes, therapy helped me to control the anxiety related with being apart. I accept his career and never asked him to change. I think you would help her a lot if you would ask her to get counseling.

 

Wish you all the best.

[journeynow]

"she believes I should not be allowed to..." ____________ (whatever she decides, could be anything in the future)______

 

Sounds like she's handing you a ball and chain, and you get to decide if you want to wear it.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are very incompatible and she can not handle your profession. Break up. Your chosen profession and livelihood of course comes first. Free her and let her find some m-f, 9-5 guy rather than allow her to harass, control and be generally ridiculous.

its basically a break up if I don't agree.

[indea08]

I can't really roast her without knowing more about you. I've seen it too many times, it's hard to know which came first, the chicken or the egg. Is she insecure because when she says something has upset her, you tell her she's being insecure and to get over it? Or have you had enough of trying to soothe her insecurities and so now you're telling her to get over it??

 

I have many girlfriends who are so incredibly insecure, but I understand why. One of them in particular, if she tells her bf that it hurt her feelings when he does XYZ, his response would be "oh my god, here we go again, you always have an issue, blah blah blah". All he really would have to say is "wow babe, I'm sorry I hurt you, that wasn't my intention. I love you. Here's what I actually meant..." and she would be so over the moon that he was pleasant about it.

 

Then there are women who, no matter what you say to ease their insecurities, will always find something to gripe about.

 

So be honest, did you play a part in her insecurity, or is she just always going to have things to complain about?? Your answer will tell you how to react.

[Hiei]

I’ll be completely honest and say that we didn’t start in a good way. She was in a relationship that was pretty much dead. I know this because she told me. Over and over again. I was single at the time, and I’ll never be proud of this. But it happened. So I feel like she could be thinking I’ll do the same to her what she did to her ex. This is where I think most of the trust issues are coming from. She always bring up how could she trust me when I was willing to sleep with her while she was still with her ex at the time. So now she wants to build her trust and demand things like this and just an update today she’s also now asking that I give her my passwords to my social media accounts as well as my iPhone location at all times. When I’ve told her she can ask for my location at any time and I’m willing to give it to her right on the spot. I don’t think anyone would like to be stalked like a hawk in the sky without knowing about it. All of this, and I’ve never ever cheated on her.

 

I also do one way and another way sometimes in responding to her insecurities. For instance this issue about me being in a group meal or drinks has been talked about many times before. Now I have to be with an all male only group when she used to be okay with me being with other females involved. And before it got to the point of it’s either I agree to her demand or breakup, I’ve explained thoroughly why I thought how irrational this is.

[Hiei]

I’m really not proud of this but I think it’s because of how we started our relationship. She was in a ending relationship. She was done and wanted to separate. I was single at the time. So sometimes she will bring up how she doesn’t trust me because I was willing to sleep with her while she was still in a relationship. Fml lol

 

I don’t blame her for some of the insecurity because there’s also this negative stigma about people that works in aviation industry. Just like in the military how there’s a higher chance your significant other will cheat. So yeah it’s difficult or complicated to begin with.

[catfeeder]

The 'why' behind any demand is less important than the fact that a partner would take such a parental role--or tolerate one.

[Starlight925]

I’ll be completely honest and say that we didn’t start in a good way. She was in a relationship that was pretty much dead. I know this because she told me. Over and over again. I was single at the time, and I’ll never be proud of this. But it happened. So I feel like she could be thinking I’ll do the same to her what she did to her ex. This is where I think most of the trust issues are coming from. She always bring up how could she trust me when I was willing to sleep with her while she was still with her ex at the time. So now she wants to build her trust and demand things like this and just an update today she’s also now asking that I give her my passwords to my social media accounts as well as my iPhone location at all times. When I’ve told her she can ask for my location at any time and I’m willing to give it to her right on the spot. I don’t think anyone would like to be stalked like a hawk in the sky without knowing about it. All of this, and I’ve never ever cheated on her.

 

I also do one way and another way sometimes in responding to her insecurities. For instance this issue about me being in a group meal or drinks has been talked about many times before. Now I have to be with an all male only group when she used to be okay with me being with other females involved. And before it got to the point of it’s either I agree to her demand or breakup, I’ve explained thoroughly why I thought how irrational this is.

 

You haven't cheated on her, but she cheated on her boyfriend, with you.

 

She's projecting her own poor actions onto you.

 

She cheated on him until she felt her relationship with you was cemented, and then she let him go. You can tell me all day long how their relationship was already over, blah freaking blah. Does he know that? No, of course not. I bet he was hurt, and blindsided. I wonder if he even knows to this day that she was having sex with you behind his back.

 

So of course she's going to project all her piss-poor behavior onto you.

 

She sounds like a real prize.

 

I'd give her my iPhone location one last time: gone.

[indea08]

Sorry, but I agree with LHgirl. You aren't the one who did wrong, she is, and yet she's making you pay for it.

 

In this instance, I'd tell her she's not emotionally ready for a serious relationship and that you're tired of having a Mom to answer to. And then you should go enjoy the he|| out of your life.

[abitbroken]

I am assuming you are a flight attendant and not a pilot if your foray into flying has occurred after the relationship started - it would take quite a few years to be a pilot. If that is so, most if not all of the male flight attendants i have met are gay (obviously not saying you are are at all...)...but its silly to me then that she demands "male company" for you.

 

i would call her bluff and break up. Just say "i can't promise you that i won't have a meal with my coworkers when i am laid over and can't predict who will be on the flight." If it means so much to you that i look to make sure the right amount of men and women are there, then its not going to work out with us. "

[Wiseman2]

Wait...She's blaming you for her lack of integrity? Heck no. Do not agree to passwords, being policed, monitored, patrolled, etc. You're not a criminal on probation. What is she thinking?

She always bring up how could she trust me when I was willing to sleep with her while she was still with her ex at the time. she’s also now asking that I give her my passwords to my social media accounts as well as my iPhone location at all times.

[JCSK]

Agreed! She cheated, not you! If anything it should be you having these insecurities that she could cheat on you when she became unhappy as it is HER that has done this already. Passwords for everything? No - it's time to walk away OP. This behaviour is not getting better is it? It's escalating further and rapidly and you have to ask yourself where it's going to end. Was her previous relationship 'pretty much dead' because her exacting demands became too much for him to adhere to? You have to wonder.

[Batya33]

I have a friend who I've known since the 1970s -we are both in our 50s. She said that she is not comfortable with her husband having one on one lunch with a woman, even a coworker. He had lunch with a woman because she is new on the board of a place of worship on which he is a board member and it was primarily to discuss her role on the board. My friend didn't think this counted as "business" since it is volunteer. I honestly was shocked that she felt this way. My husband and I go out with coworkers and there are members of the opposite sex around and we both have had one on one time with female and male coworkers, as well as with platonic friends. But, yes, it's not practical or realistic in today's working world to have that boundary -at least in many professions/jobs/industries. If there was a religious reason, ok. But if not it really could hamper you professionally and it's not fair to you not to be able to unwind with coworkers and get to know them. Too controlling IMO.