Advice appreciated

[Ozzie]

Hi.

 

This is my first post so I'd like to say hi. I had nowhere else to turn for advice so please don't judge me.

 

First of all long story short, I stuffed up and downloaded Tinder, wife found out so we tried the open relationship thing.

She fell in love with a guy and lied about meeting him on several occasions.

We are now at the point where I want to move interstate and she supported that then took it back.

We were selling our belongings so I sold all of "mine" but she hadn't sold any of "hers"

We were putting the money into a joint account.

Today she decided that she has no intention of moving interstate with me and has taken half of the money saved.

Meanwhile I am left with nothing because I sold it all and she still has all of her stuff.

 

Am I being over reactive about thinking she just used me to get what she wanted?

Thanks

 

Feel free to ask questions to get a better idea of the situation.

 

Edit: To clear it up, I've never met anyone or physically cheated on her.

[Keyman]

This relationship was over when you downloaded a dating app and it has spiralled out of control since then. This can only get worse and I feel like there is no going back with this. Get your finances sorted, file for Divorce and move on.

 

I am a little unclear about you having separate belongings but putting things into a joint account, but it matters little. File for divorce and let the lawyers sort it out.

[Tinydance]

Wow this really is a case of sure backfire! Well I know this really hurts but surely by downloading Tinder initially you were thinking of cheating on her too, at least online? You both agreed you would do the open marriage and you were free to do so too. It's not really her fault that she found someone and you didn't. I guess you didn't see the marriage falling apart, in polyamorous relationships the idea is still to stay together usually. I'm getting a sense that maybe the marriage was already unstable though if you both wanted to go looking for other people? And if she fell in love with someone else so easily then maybe her feelings for you were already fading?

[nutbrownhare]

So... correct me if I've misread the situation.

 

- You downloaded Tinder, even though you justify it by saying

I've never met anyone or physically cheated on her

 

- You were intending to cheat on your wife, it's just that it didn't work out that way.

 

- You reached an agreement where you could both cheat on each other.

 

- Now she's realised the foolishness of having anything more to do with you in this messed-up situation, and refused to move with you.

 

I'm not understanding why you think she's 'used' you - after all, she has only done what YOU intended to do yourself.

 

I also think it's rather strange that you divide all your property into 'yours' and 'hers'. Perhaps the stuff that's been sold already she considered to be joint property, and that's why she's only taken half the money rather than clearing out the entire account. You aren't left with nothing, by the sound of it. You've still got half the money saved, whilst she's taken the other half.

 

You need to stop feeling like a Victim in this. You are only the victim of a set of circumstances which you yourself set up, and you need to take responsibility for that. As to where you go from here... I don't think you have any option but to file for divorce.

[moodindigo91]

I also think it's rather strange that you divide all your property into 'yours' and 'hers'.

 

I agree with this, it kind of sounds like this relationship has been over at least since you downloaded Tinder but probably before (I can't see why you would download Tinder if your marriage had been going well)...

 

Then you go on to say that YOU decided to move, which implies that she had no say in this decision, which seems odd, for you to make such a big decision such as moving interstate without consulting her about it.

 

Then you say, in the process of planning for this move which she never wanted in the first place, you divided your assets up in half... which sounds very much like what couples do when they get divorced.

 

I don't know, it sounds to me like you are pretty inconsiderate, your wife found out you tried to cheat on her but wanted to give you another shot and so agreed to an open marriage, and that backfired on you as she met and fell in love with someone else who is probably way more considerate of her wants and needs, and decided to leave you once and for all. You're not the victim here, sorry to say.

[HeartGoesOn]

Edit: To clear it up, I've never met anyone or physically cheated on her.

 

I'm sorry, but obviously you didn't download Tinder for the sake of inviting people to play checkers. In short, this entire story doesn't add up, (imo).

[DanZee]

Well, this whole situation backfired on you! You might as well take whatever money is left and leave.

[maew]

No you are not being over-reactive, you are deflecting the blame onto her for how you are feeling instead of owning what you did and possibly dealing with the guilt, shame and regret that you were the catalyst for all this going down.

 

I echo what others have said... it makes no sense that your belongings are separated but the money for selling them was in a joint account. At this point you could choose to drag this out indefinitely or you could just gracefully bow out.

[SherrySher]

Wow, the karma bus really hit you hard!

I think the best you can do now is go your separate ways and try to heal from it all.