Flustered and confused

[Red88]

So my ex called me earlier. I answered and we had a discussion about the kids. I kept it only ABOUT THE KIDS. I thought it would be civil. During the convo out of nowhere she felt the need to tell me she was going on a date tonight?

 

Why? I was talking strictly about the kids and issues related to them. I kept my cool for the most part only saying don’t call me again only email.

 

I’ve come to accept its over. Totally done. Im healing and I’ve accepted this entirely. But I don’t understand why she felt the need to tell me this. It’s not my business and I didn’t ask any leading questions.

 

I’m ok. It flustered me a little but I’m ok. I’ll still have a good weekend. I thought it’d be ok to answer, I really did. I’m healing and moving on. I wouldn’t just throw in her face I’m dating, which I’m not because I’m not over her, but still, why.

 

Why did she feel the need to tell me this?

 

Red88

[boltnrun]

I thought you had blocked her from all means of communication except for email.

 

I presume you answered because you were hoping she was calling to say she was sorry, or that she wants you to visit the kids and stay with her, something along those lines.

 

You are not "OK" if this bothered you. I mean, my ex told me about his new girlfriend and I was like "meh, good for you". I was not "flustered" at all.

 

How many times are you going to keep putting your hand on the burning hot stove when you know darn well it's burning hot, get burned, then complain about how much it hurts?

 

How much longer do you want to be miserable? Aren't you tired of feeling like this?

 

Sooner or later you are going to have to decide to help yourself. We have tried, but you go against advice every single time.

 

How about being nice to yourself? She certainly isn't going to be.

[Red88]

I thought you had blocked her from all means of communication except for email.

 

I presume you answered because you were hoping she was calling to say she was sorry, or that she wants you to visit the kids and stay with her, something along those lines.

 

You are not "OK" if this bothered you. I mean, my ex told me about his new girlfriend and I was like "meh, good for you". I was not "flustered" at all.

 

How many times are you going to keep putting your hand on the burning hot stove when you know darn well it's burning hot, get burned, then complain about how much it hurts?

 

How much longer do you want to be miserable? Aren't you tired of feeling like this?

 

Sooner or later you are going to have to decide to help yourself. We have tried, but you go against advice every single time.

 

How about being nice to yourself? She certainly isn't going to be.

 

Im sorry boltrun but you are way off base when you say “I presume you answered because you were hoping she was calling to say she was sorry, or that she wants you to visit the kids and stay with her, something along those lines”. That is completely inaccurate. I’m past that point. I’m ok with me not being with her, I’ve pined over her long enough. I’m on a road to healing. But I think only time will convince you of this.

 

I only answered because I’m the one who has been pining over her. Showing emotional weaknesses, etc. She left me remember. I’m the one who is healing. If she’s going on dates...fine. I’m ok with that. Does it fluster me ... yes. I’m not over her . I think that’s obvious. But I’ve accepted that this would happen one day, and apparently she felt the need to tell me.

 

Back to my original question before we got on the topic of attempted reconciliation being the only fact to why I answered which is false. I thought we could have a grown up conversation about my kids. Not drag personal endeavors into the conversation which I think were only mentioned to hurt me . Talk about speeding up healing. When someone tries to intentionally hurt me...game on. That only helps me in moving on.

 

Boltrun I came to the conclusion it’s probably not right to block my kids mom. I think it’s a little overboard. If she calls....straight to voicemail. If she texts? No reply. If she FaceTimes me then I’ll answer because it’s my kids, and I don’t wanna miss out on an opportunity to see/talk to them. If she emails...I’ll responds accordingly. I think I’m in a position where I need to man up and blocking her is almost the same as blocking my kids which doesn’t sit well with me.

 

Boltrun, stop making judgements based on assumptions. You took this way off base.

 

Baaaack to my original question. Why did she feel the need to tell me this ? To hurt me? To make me jealous.

 

Red88

[MissCanuck]

I agree that you should not block her from your phone, OP, simply because if there is an emergency with your children and she needs to reach you immediately, email is completely impractical.

 

However, the next time she calls and it's unrelated to the kids, end the call. Tell her that you will not engage in personal chatter, and hang up.

 

As for why she told you she's going on a date - well, given the portrait you've painted of this whole break-up, she's not exactly the pinnacle of maturity. It sounds rather par for the course that she would attempt to take a dig at you like this. She's probably trying to boost her own ego; she knows you still want her, and it makes her feel good to know that other men want her too.

 

Attempting to dissect her motivations any further will be futile, though. Instead, I would concentrate on what you will do to emotionally separate yourself from her malarkey, and how you will handle such revelations in the future. There are sure to be more.

[DanZee]

Like MissCanuck said, she wanted to get that dig into you. I'm going on a date, nana-nana-boo-boo. Some man finds me attractive, nana-nana-boo-boo. I suspect she knew it would get to you. Don't resort to her tactics. Take the high road. Try to forget about it.

[figureitout23]

Im sorry boltrun but you are way off base when you say “I presume you answered because you were hoping she was calling to say she was sorry, or that she wants you to visit the kids and stay with her, something along those lines”. That is completely inaccurate. I’m past that point. I’m ok with me not being with her, I’ve pined over her long enough. I’m on a road to healing. But I think only time will convince you of this.

 

I only answered because I’m the one who has been pining over her. Showing emotional weaknesses, etc. She left me remember. I’m the one who is healing. If she’s going on dates...fine. I’m ok with that. Does it fluster me ... yes. I’m not over her . I think that’s obvious. But I’ve accepted that this would happen one day, and apparently she felt the need to tell me.

 

Back to my original question before we got on the topic of attempted reconciliation being the only fact to why I answered which is false. I thought we could have a grown up conversation about my kids. Not drag personal endeavors into the conversation which I think were only mentioned to hurt me . Talk about speeding up healing. When someone tries to intentionally hurt me...game on. That only helps me in moving on.

 

Boltrun I came to the conclusion it’s probably not right to block my kids mom. I think it’s a little overboard. If she calls....straight to voicemail. If she texts? No reply. If she FaceTimes me then I’ll answer because it’s my kids, and I don’t wanna miss out on an opportunity to see/talk to them. If she emails...I’ll responds accordingly. I think I’m in a position where I need to man up and blocking her is almost the same as blocking my kids which doesn’t sit well with me.

 

Boltrun, stop making judgements based on assumptions. You took this way off base.

 

Baaaack to my original question. Why did she feel the need to tell me this ? To hurt me? To make me jealous.

 

Red88

 

Sorry Red, while I don't think you answered the phone for reasons other than your children, asking these questions screams you're looking for answers that lead in the direction of reconciliation. Seriously think about it, what good would having those answers do? That twinge of hope is still there. I'm saying tris for no other reason that to keep you vigilant. Each time you think you're good is when you slip up and go back to the drama.

 

With that being said, you aren't going to turn off your emotions over night so your reaction is quite normal and unfortunately because you two have kids together you have to keep the lines of communication open.

 

I do not think completely blocking her is the answer, you need access to one another. She really needs to start respecting you though

 

I think I've said this before, I think this is your tango with one another. I just get the sense that you two have had a volitile on again off again relationship for a long time that included cheating and acting out on both sides so she isn't looking at this as the end in a healthy way. I get the vibe that she wants to hurt you and well essentially use you for emotional support as she moves on and you don't deserve that.

 

I don't know what the solution is. Me personally? I think her actions are disgustingly disrespectful and I think the reason she is doing it is to get all that pain out. I think you both hurt eachother so deeply in the life of your relationship that all that's left in her is , well, venom. I don't think she hates you, the opposite of love isn't hate so she doesn't hate you, I personally think she is getting her pain out in a way she thinks is productive.

 

Is it?

 

Of course not.

 

But she thinks it is, again in my opinion.

 

And I think the solution is quite simply boundaries and rules.

 

Your convo should not have even gotten to a point to where she had the ability to blurt that out. It was a power play, as I started earlier, she's going to keep doing this for no other reason than it makes her feel better at the time

 

Someone has to be the adult here. This relationship can't recover from this. Not in any long term healthy way, it's simply too far gone, and you can't heal as long as she is choosing to heal by using you as her punching bag and she needs to understand that what she's doing is NOT ok.

 

I don't know how you convey that to her, but I think it's necessary that you do. I hope you get some tips from others.

[Red88]

I completely agree. I know that in most situations not involving children this is the absolutely best route to take. I've healed from NC. This is another beast I'm having to tame.

 

I will absolutely end the call when I feel It's getting unrelated to the kids, but, somehow she manages to slip in something toxic to hurt me. I think that a call (not Facetime) from her next time will absolutely go unanswered. I was not expecting her to try to hurt me intentionally. I don't know who she is anymore.

 

I had asked the question but as of right now, I'm over it. I'm taking the high road.

 

Thank You MissCanuck

 

Red88

[Red88]

I do believe you are correct. I started this thread originally wondering why out of nowhere she decided to include that into what i thought was gonna be a civil and rational discussion about the kids. What she does is none of my business and I'm better off not knowing. Again, i never asked any leading questions. I have in the past absolutely, but not this time. I am beyond any thoughts of recon as many think. Nana-nana-boo-boo :) I think this comparison is spot on. I'm focusing on healing, it seems she wants to play games. To even mention that to me, suggests something. I"m not quite sure what it is. Resentment? Time will tell.

 

Thank You DanZee

 

Red88

[Red88]

unfortunately because you two have kids together.

 

What does this mean?

[Red88]

she is choosing to heal by using you as her punching bag.

And I think the solution is quite simply boundaries and rules.

 

I think the solution to this is what I've stated before. Phone calls from her= go unanswered. Texts=No reply. Emails=Reply accordingly. Facetime=Kids and of course answer. Please let me know if you would tweak in any way shape or form. Your opinion is valuable as is everyone's.

 

her actions are disgustingly disrespectful and I think the reason she is doing it is to get all that pain out. I think you both hurt eachother so deeply in the life of your relationship that all that's left in her is , well, venom.

 

 

This is spot on. This relationships foundation was built on many negative things. I was once a very , how do i say this, misguided individual.

 

I have been called by her immature. But as MissCanuck said she isn't the pinnacle of maturity either. I'm 29 and she's 31 if that helps.

 

Thank You figureitout23

 

Red88

[LootieTootie]

To get a rise out of you. She knows you are not completely over her.

 

Next time she says it, just hope your response is "I don't care." That will indicate to you that you are over her and she will look to someone who will give a damn.

[Red88]

She used money as an excuse to call me. I think in my situation this is what it is ultimately going to boil down to...money. If i give her enough money she'll leave me alone. Money is the root of all evil...go figure.

 

Red88

[Red88]

You're right LootieTootie. She may not get another chance to get another rise out of me. She is going to do her healing on her own, her own way. I'm not her emotional punching bag. I wasn't to clear on this before but now i am. I was dumbfounded to why she would mention anything about this date. She said whoever HE is , is gonna pick her up, hes gonna pay for the date, etc. She also mentioned that my kids would be staying with her family this weekend so she could spend it with "he". Made me feel bad for my kids.

 

Red88

[figureitout23]

What does this mean?

 

It means what the entire sentence means

 

"Unfortunately because you have kids together you have to keep the lines of communication open."

 

It would be best to completely cut contact with someone messing with you emotionally but you two are forever connected so you kinda have to pull yourself together for the sake of the kids.

[LootieTootie]

Just be strong ... some people are very vindictive after break up. However this just confirms to you that you dodged a bullet and keep on healing for you and for your kids.

[MissCanuck]

She used money as an excuse to call me. I think in my situation this is what it is ultimately going to boil down to...money. If i give her enough money she'll leave me alone. Money is the root of all evil...go figure.

 

Red88

 

This is why you need to stop stalling and get a legal arrangement in place.

[bluecastle]

Sorry for the moment of being flustered. It happens. It may happen again. And then, before you know it, sooner or later, it just won't happen, regardless of what kind of contact you have. You'll have developed an immunity to it, because underneath it all it's just a reminder of how little she has to offer you.

 

I appreciate that near-religious belief on here that all breakups should be handled the same way: block, NC, and so on. We see it in nearly every post, a kind of reflexive preachiness. And there are certainly real benefits to insulating ourselves from more pain as we heal. Still, the slight tinge of I-told-you-so aggression that sometimes surfaces when NC is broken can be a bit off-putting. Everyone heals in different ways, and everyone's situation is different. That you have both complicated feelings toward your ex AND children...well, that's just going to be a hard line to walk for a bit, and it seems you're doing it with a fair amount of grace and perspective.

 

Why did your ex feel the need to mention a date? You'll never have a definitive answer to this because the truth is your ex doesn't know. Sure, a lot of it's ego: she wants to poke the beast, know her pokes can still be affective, and be momentarily soothed. That's that vindictive side, which breakups can bring out in certain (immature) people. And, hey, maybe from another spot in her sub-conscious she's trying to expedite things to some fantastical place where you both are "cool," "friendly," whatever, because she'd feel better if things were cooler, more friendlier than they actually are.

 

Which, from one angle, all sucks. It flusters, and I'm sorry for that. But, from another, it's a display of deep insecurity on her part—a level of insecurity, I'd imagine, that wasn't so fun to deal with even during the best of times. If she was genuinely happy and confident and secure in the choices she's making, in the life she's carving out, she wouldn't need any validation from you (in the form of you being, say, flustered) or anyone. My ex has a similar quality, be it the occasional poke at me or using social media to broadcast some swaggering version of her life when she's at her most wobbly. In the immediate aftermath of the breakup all that threw me a fair amount. But now I just see it as comical, a bit sad, and it took being flustered a few times to get there myself.

 

So take a deep breath, look past the momentary emotional jolt, and all your own ego to be soothed by this. She may not want reconciliation—and, at this stage, I don't think you really do either—but you're still under her skin a bit, as she's still under yours, and there's a little giddy comfort to be had in that as you heal. And like LootieTootie said, the fact that she is a grown woman resorting to this is evidence that, in the grand scheme of things, you've dodged a bullet and have clearer, calmer skies ahead.

 

Given that you have children together, and given your ex's personality, there will be some version of this again down the line. A week from now, five years from now. So, for you, healing is about processing and mourning and moving on, but also developing a kind of emotional callous that prevents these moments from destabilizing you. So chalk this whole thing up to some version of that, have a good weekend, and best of luck on the road ahead.

[figureitout23]

Blue, I agree block/delete/heal isnt a catch all especially when you have kids, but I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, it NEVER works to focus on your ex or analyze their actions. And quite often, not saying you, but often, those who go 'against the grain', and dismiss the idea that distance heals, don't want that distance in their own situation.

[bluecastle]

Couldn't agree more figureitout.

 

Me, like many, I've got a brain hardwired for over-analysis, storytelling, misguided romanticizing, the works. That just...is. It serves me well in some aspects of my life, like my work, but it sure makes breakups a real trial by fire. It's almost like I need to spin myself into exhaustion, and it's in that exhaustion where I'm able to throw up my arms, accept what's what, and start the deeper phase of resting/healing. And, yeah, sometimes there's some contact along the way to remind myself of just how exhausting it is to be, well, exhausted.

 

Ideally we get to a place where we can accept the reality, and the pain, without having to totally block it out. I know people who deal with breakups by immediately blocking, ceasing contact, removing all traces of the relationship—and YEARS later they still seem angry, almost like they stuffed the pain in a closet that may burst open any second. I guess that extreme, to me, can be as unhealthy as the other extreme, those who carry on nebulous connections, obsessing over nonsense like emojis, texts reading "wat up?" and so on.

 

But yes: time and distance are a must, and those that refuse to go there are likely indulging in a combo of fear and false hope that, if gone unchecked, can become more toxic than the most toxic of relationships.

[smJackson]

Hey Red,

 

Sorry to hear about what has happened. She did this to intentionally hurt you, and she succeeded. I agree with all of the answers posted here- she knows you're not over her. If she was over you, she wouldn't feel the need to mess with your mind. Shed just go on and live her life and co parent with you.

 

I slipped up and answered a call from my toxic ex and as I knew beforehand, I lived to regret it. But I felt no need to tell him of my new guy friend or how I'm moving on. He will see in moving on in due time. My ex still has an ax to grind and yours does too. We want to believe they contact us after we go NC because they care about us, but they dont. They are bitter and hurt from the relationship failing and they want to keep us from moving on and finding happiness. I'm tired of burning my hand on the stove, as someone on this thread said.

 

Talking to her at the present holds you hostage from healing. So communicate with her by email only until you get stronger, and work on healing yourself. You have to make yourself bulletproof against the mind games and tactics that she will continue to send your way. It can escalate to her eventually trying to turn your kids against you. Hopefully not though. Little does she realize that she can't move forward in her own life and be happy, if she's so consumed with trying to hurt you. My ex can live in bondage but I refuse to. It will get better Red. Let her take her rage, venom, mind games and let the next man deal with that Bs. Heal yourself. Focus on you and go low contact with her, the minimum. She cannot be trusted. Good luck and keep your head up!

[Red88]

Just be strong ... some people are very vindictive after break up. However this just confirms to you that you dodged a bullet and keep on healing for you and for your kids.

 

Thank you LootieTootie for your replies. She does seem very vindictive and also hateful. I've never seen this side of her and never thought i would. Absolutely i believe you 100% on dodging a bullet and I'm more focused than ever to heal up front, in a healthy way for my kids and for me.

 

Thanks so much for your kind words. They helped me a bunch.

 

Red88

[bluecastle]

There were probably moments when you saw this side of her, though maybe it came out in a way that, in a different life, was "sweet," "playful," even "vulnerable." My ex, for instance, had a way of expressing her insecurities inside the relationship that, while not super healthy, wasn't so destructive on the surface. Things like: "Do you miss me?" "Are we okay?" And so on. Flash forward to post-breakup and it was pure venom, a constant need to assert her "power" by playing with my emotions. Basically the same thing, you know? Not easy, not fun, but: a bullet dodged.

 

Love yourself, love your kids, love the good times and connection you two once shared. No need to let her bitterness infect you. Just distance yourself from the toxicity. It's very clear that you're a dude with a warm, empathetic heart. It deserves protection so you can share it with those who will treat it with care.

[Red88]

Yea the weekend came and it went. Sorry for delayed response. I completely agree and appreciate your replies. This thread helped. I agree she was just trying to poke the beast, she knew that would throw me off big time. I do think this was a good example of the amount of venom she's spitting. O well I'll survive.

 

You're right. As I look back. There were many red flags I decided to ignore looking back on the relationship. But I know more now than I knew then so I guess I traded the lesson for some pain. I hope you're right on the clearer, calmer skies. When I catch myself thinkin about her, I immediately distract myself somehow.

 

If she was genuinely happy and confident and secure in the choices she's making, in the life she's carving out, she wouldn't need any validation from you (in the form of you being, say, flustered) or anyone

 

 

I kind of thought that to. If life is so great why'd you feel the need to hurt somebody on purpose.

 

 

 

Given that you have children together, and given your ex's personality, there will be some version of this again down the line. A week from now, five years from now.

 

I'm wondering what will happen next after this. I guess I'll just go with it. Whatever happens, happens. But yea, sucks from every angle. Can't wait till I can get back out there and date.

 

I had a decent weekend. It wasn't SO bad but still a little sting. Hope you had a good weekend.

 

Red88

[Red88]

It means what the entire sentence means

 

"Unfortunately because you have kids together you have to keep the lines of communication open."

 

It would be best to completely cut contact with someone messing with you emotionally but you two are forever connected so you kinda have to pull yourself together for the sake of the kids.

 

 

you kinda have to pull yourself together for the sake of the kids

 

Absolutely.

[Red88]

Blue, I agree block/delete/heal isnt a catch all especially when you have kids, but I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, it NEVER works to focus on your ex or analyze their actions. And quite often, not saying you, but often, those who go 'against the grain', and dismiss the idea that distance heals, don't want that distance in their own situation.

 

don't want that distance in their own situation

 

Meaning they don't really wanna move on ?