How should I go about this?

[Honeycomb8]

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for nearly 4 months now. We met on a dating app and really hit it off before meeting and the first date and subsequent dates went extremely well. He is a great guy; very caring, thoughtful, funny and reliable. I'm really attracted to him and not only is he generous and expressive, he's got a great career and is quite stable. We get along really well and have a lot of chemistry together, but certain things have been bothering me the last 2 weeks.

 

Problems:

 

1. He has an issue with paying attention, and I have found myself increasingly annoyed at the fact he has asked me questions to things I’ve already told him (on a number of different occasions). I don’t know if it’s being absent minded, or being a bad listener or forgetful, but it is starting to grate on me.

 

2.He’s very easy going to the point of being much too agreeable. He always goes along with everything I say and doesn’t seem to have opinions anymore. I am used to a guy being more opinionated, to be more decisive with what they like, dislike and feel. Often he'd go along with what I want to do even if he didn't like it. I wouldn't know about this until later when he'd make a comment about this.

 

3. He seems to place me very high up on the priority list. Like apart from seeing me and family, he doesn’t really socialise at all. He has friends and apparently used to hang out with them (different groups of them), but now they all have their own lives so he doesn't see people much. This is a complete opposite to how I live my life though, as I socialise often through the week . For instance, recently I went to get lunch and watched a movie with a group of my friends. I told him about this and he was fine with it, told me to let him know when I’m done so he could pick me up. I told him will do. Later on that night, we were talking and thought me not informing him of a time during the afternoon was poor communication, which he was waiting around for me. I’m of the mind that I was going to tell him when I was done, but I didn’t want or need for him to wait around for him-he was free to do whatever he wanted to do! Him telling me that he was expecting me to keep him updated made me feel stifled. He also says since his friends hang out with their gfs all the time, he expected that I was going to be that type of girl as well. The thing is, we already see each other 3-4 times a week-which imo is frequent enough! He's always available and when I text him, he replies straight away. I know I should feel lucky that this guy makes so much time for me, but a big part of me wishes he had more going on in his life as well.

 

4. He lacks some common sense and probably isn't as intellectual as some of the people I'm used to. He's not the type that likes to read and I guess isn't as worldly or as sophisticated as most people I go for. He also has this habit of pretending to know things he's unsure of, which ends up with realising he's just bsing. This irks me as I'm the type that would just tell someone straight out if I'm unsure, instead of pretending to know otherwise.

 

5. He's never had a long term relationship, and the longest has been only half a year. He's had a few relationships, but has never fallen in love. I am beginning to realise he lacks the emotional experience a guy his age should have. Also, based on what he's told me the relationships he's had seemed very surface based. This might prove a problem in the months to come.

 

He used to be confident, but it seems that that's changed. He second guesses himself as it must be clear I waver in my feelings for him. It's pretty disappointing because at one stage I was really into him and felt like I was starting to fall in love. These days, I definitely call the shots and though it's nice to have a guy that caters for me and does things for me all the time...I am starting to get bored of him. He's outgoing and I used to think he was fun...But I seem to feel like he isn't as well rounded with conversation as I'm used to. He wants me to meet his family and we were meant to be having a trip overseas in September.

I was really keen at one stage, but now the expectations are making me stressed. I have been thinking I want to end things with him, but then I start thinking about how well I get along with him and how lucky I am to have a guy like this. He makes me happy often, but those problems still exist. A few days ago, he told me he loved me...

 

What should I do?

[SGH]

You just made a pretty long list of traits that you dislike about the guy, with the only major positive being that you "get along". It sounds like you don't respect him for who he is. I think you know what needs to be done.

[DanZee]

Well, I could ask a bunch of questions, such as you didn't address what professions you're both in, your education levels, how and where you met him, what was his family life was like, do you do all the talking, and so on which could tell me what kind of guy he is and what kind of gal you are.

 

But I don't think it would change my advice, which is, you're not compatible. The brain is you're most important sexual organ, and if he's not ringing your bell, then it's just not going to do it for you. His IQ isn't going to suddenly rise, and his personality isn't going to change. You should have an amicable parting of the ways and move on.

 

He sounds like a nice guy, but not for you, for somebody else.

[happysingle]

Every relationship has problems none are perfect.

 

You come off sort of pretentious. "He lacks some common sense and probably isn't as intellectual as some of the people I'm used to. He's not the type that likes to read and I guess isn't as worldly or as sophisticated as most people I go for. He also has this habit of pretending to know things he's unsure of, which ends up with realizing he's just bsing. This irks me as I'm the type that would just tell someone straight out if I'm unsure, instead of pretending to know otherwise."

 

Is there anything that you guys go out and do together like you do with your friends? common interests? is he open to new things and ideas?

is your independence more valuable than spending time with him?

 

Go for someone who you normally go for, break up with this guy and leave him alone. You'll just get complacent and stop caring about him even more than you already do now. If he is incapable of loving as you say you think he is- he'll get over it.

[katrina1980]

Oh Honeycomb, I'm sorry this doesn't appear to be working out as you hoped.

 

You know these early stages (first six months) are the time to evaluate whether or not someone is right for us, long term.

 

Sounds like you're discovering he's not.

 

I've ended relationships at the 3-4 month, my last boyfrind (before my current) was (is) a great guy, a doctor! He treated me well, but he did not challenge me in the way I needed, and to be honest, bored me to death.

 

I was still attracted to him when I ended it (the sex was awesome) but he just wasn't a good fit for me nor do I think I was for him, I'm emotional, he's cerebral and in our case, opposites may have attracted but did not bode well for a happy and harmonious LTR.

 

Try and let go of what you felt at stage 1. I think many people do that, they remember how it was and hang on to that hoping to re-ignite it somehow.

 

That was then, this is now.

 

I know it's sad, but with everything the way you described, you don't sound compatible at all.

 

Like another poster said, I think you know what you need to do as sad as that will be.

[T99]

I think it’s sensible that whilst you are still attracted you are looking at these things in the context of the long term before things get deeper.

 

Looking at your list number 1 is certainly an issue, 2 and 3 are more personal preference and I think some people could quite easily see this as a positive, 4 I can relate to in my previous relationship but did take the view I was Being mean and ploughed forwards with disastrous consequences long term.

 

Overall - I would still suggest you gently tell him a few things first, that you are used to more independent people that might challenge you occasionally and if things still don’t change go from there?

[SherrySher]

Simply put, it sounds as though you don't like him and find too many things wrong with him.

 

He is not the right one for you and what irks you about him will only get worse and worse.

[BigSisAdvice]

I think the fact that there are many things that you do not like about him shows where your head is at in regards to this relationship. He could be the nicest, most successful guy but if he doesn't have the traits and personality that you prefer then it will never work. Those slight irritations are going to become large annoyances the longer you are together and most importantly - you aren't going to be happy. As you mentioned that you feel your responses and lack of care for him are damaging his self-esteem, I would end it ASAP. Not only are you unhappy in this relationship, but you don't want to leave him as a shell of his former self and feel guilt for attacking and removing his confidence. It's okay to end it with someone when they haven't done anything massively wrong - you two are just clearly not suited and it's time for you both to move on to people that will make you both happy. --BigSis

[Sportster2005]

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for nearly 4 months now. We met on a dating app and really hit it off before meeting and the first date and subsequent dates went extremely well. He is a great guy; very caring, thoughtful, funny and reliable. I'm really attracted to him and not only is he generous and expressive, he's got a great career and is quite stable. We get along really well and have a lot of chemistry together, but certain things have been bothering me the last 2 weeks.

 

Problems:

 

1. He has an issue with paying attention, and I have found myself increasingly annoyed at the fact he has asked me questions to things I’ve already told him (on a number of different occasions). I don’t know if it’s being absent minded, or being a bad listener or forgetful, but it is starting to grate on me.

 

2.He’s very easy going to the point of being much too agreeable. He always goes along with everything I say and doesn’t seem to have opinions anymore. I am used to a guy being more opinionated, to be more decisive with what they like, dislike and feel. Often he'd go along with what I want to do even if he didn't like it. I wouldn't know about this until later when he'd make a comment about this.

 

3. He seems to place me very high up on the priority list. Like apart from seeing me and family, he doesn’t really socialise at all. He has friends and apparently used to hang out with them (different groups of them), but now they all have their own lives so he doesn't see people much. This is a complete opposite to how I live my life though, as I socialise often through the week . For instance, recently I went to get lunch and watched a movie with a group of my friends. I told him about this and he was fine with it, told me to let him know when I’m done so he could pick me up. I told him will do. Later on that night, we were talking and thought me not informing him of a time during the afternoon was poor communication, which he was waiting around for me. I’m of the mind that I was going to tell him when I was done, but I didn’t want or need for him to wait around for him-he was free to do whatever he wanted to do! Him telling me that he was expecting me to keep him updated made me feel stifled. He also says since his friends hang out with their gfs all the time, he expected that I was going to be that type of girl as well. The thing is, we already see each other 3-4 times a week-which imo is frequent enough! He's always available and when I text him, he replies straight away. I know I should feel lucky that this guy makes so much time for me, but a big part of me wishes he had more going on in his life as well.

 

4. He lacks some common sense and probably isn't as intellectual as some of the people I'm used to. He's not the type that likes to read and I guess isn't as worldly or as sophisticated as most people I go for. He also has this habit of pretending to know things he's unsure of, which ends up with realising he's just bsing. This irks me as I'm the type that would just tell someone straight out if I'm unsure, instead of pretending to know otherwise.

 

5. He's never had a long term relationship, and the longest has been only half a year. He's had a few relationships, but has never fallen in love. I am beginning to realise he lacks the emotional experience a guy his age should have. Also, based on what he's told me the relationships he's had seemed very surface based. This might prove a problem in the months to come.

 

He used to be confident, but it seems that that's changed. He second guesses himself as it must be clear I waver in my feelings for him. It's pretty disappointing because at one stage I was really into him and felt like I was starting to fall in love. These days, I definitely call the shots and though it's nice to have a guy that caters for me and does things for me all the time...I am starting to get bored of him. He's outgoing and I used to think he was fun...But I seem to feel like he isn't as well rounded with conversation as I'm used to. He wants me to meet his family and we were meant to be having a trip overseas in September.

I was really keen at one stage, but now the expectations are making me stressed. I have been thinking I want to end things with him, but then I start thinking about how well I get along with him and how lucky I am to have a guy like this. He makes me happy often, but those problems still exist. A few days ago, he told me he loved me...

 

What should I do?

 

You should leave him. You dislike him, and have a low opinion of him. Best for both of you to just move along.

[Batya33]

"These days, I definitely call the shots and though it's nice to have a guy that caters for me and does things for me all the time...I am starting to get bored of him."

 

What's nice of having a guy who caters to you as he does? Do you want a boyfriend or a personal assistant? Sure couples cater to each other at times -one is sick, going through a hard time, needs more attention at the moment (just like in friendships) but it basically balances out. I don't think you sound pretentious -you don't admire him including as an intellectual equal. That's fine. Also as far as the little issue with him waiting around for you -I think that he thought you'd wrap up sooner but moreso it struck me -why ask him to pick you up when you're out socializing with your friends? Why not tell him you'll meet up with him on your own after (or make a plan for another time). I think he was too involved in your plan by picking you up.

 

He sounds like too much of a yes man/potential doormat. That's not "nice" -that's just insecure/passive. And I think you trigger that in him to an extent since he can tell you're not that into him. I would move on -been in your situation and I can relate.

[Honeycomb8]

I actually didn't ask to be picked up, he offered and I told him since I'm gonna be dropping off a friend near my house, that he can just get me from my house as well. Taking one car to the central city is easier afterall.

 

I do actually care about him and like him. If i didn't, I wouldn't be posting this topic and would have just ended things. He's a really good guy and I don't want him to be hurt. His birthday is coming up this month too and I already have his present prepared. I don't want to be breaking it off close to his birthday :S.

[Jibralta]

What do you like about him?

 

I understand about the birthday thing... but if it's at the point where you are just waiting to break up with him, I think you have your answer as to what needs to be done.

[katrina1980]

Then focus on the good things, the things you DO like about him!

 

No one is gonna possess 100% of everything we want/need; if he makes you happy and you care about him/love him then try to accept him for all that he is and appreciate/focus on the positives.

 

The negatives – well again try to accept, stop comparing him to your previous boyfriends, he is his own man, with his own unique personality and his own set of quirks and foibles.

 

You want to know what I really think? I think you’re scared. He has recently told you he loves you, thus the RL is becoming more serious, more committed.

 

It’s not all that uncommon for people to start focusing on faults, and dissecting things just as the RL is about to move to the next (more serious) level.

 

You’re not talking marriage but that’s how the term “cold feet” came to be.

 

It’s FEAR.

 

ETA:

 

I was really keen at one stage, but now the expectations are making me stressed.

 

HC, talk to him about this. Not that you were really keen at stage one (which implies you are no longer keen), but how his expectations are stressing you out.

 

Let him into YOUR world, so as to better understand you and what your about -- your independent nature. Don't just pull back, that will cause insecurity and him becoming needy/clingy.

[SherrySher]

You can possibly still remain friends if he is okay with that. At this point, that is about what sounds best for you.

Maybe you could gently bring it up to him that perhaps you're better off as friends.

[Honeycomb8]

I ended up breaking up with him. Felt like it was the right thing to do. I feel bad but somewhat relieved. :/