Want him back

[SmartiePants]

Today is day 6 of NC and 12 since he messaged me last time. I felt like messaging him today very very strongly. It took a lot of effort not to. It seems to be as I approach one week mark every moment gets really bad. Can't help but think if he already moved on . And if he did was it easy for him, was he even thinking if me, how he feels , what out relationship meant to him etc. I'm determined to do 30 days. I know I will most likely contact him at the end. I just can't accept the thought he never said yes or no to our relationship. He is probably that type of guy who would never say it's over even if it is and just leave it up to me so at the end he is a good guy who did nothing wrong

[SmartiePants]

As much as I want to contact him I realize I can't while I'm in this desperate state. I already screwed it there is no way back. He already has all the power over me and he shut himself off completely. I am slowly getting my confidence back but it's nowhere near where it used to be. I keep telling myself if he wanted me he would have showed it one way or another. What gets me though I would prefer just a straight answer from him so I know.

[Chris12189]

Today is day 6 of NC and 12 since he messaged me last time. I felt like messaging him today very very strongly. It took a lot of effort not to. It seems to be as I approach one week mark every moment gets really bad. Can't help but think if he already moved on . And if he did was it easy for him, was he even thinking if me, how he feels , what out relationship meant to him etc. I'm determined to do 30 days. I know I will most likely contact him at the end. I just can't accept the thought he never said yes or no to our relationship. He is probably that type of guy who would never say it's over even if it is and just leave it up to me so at the end he is a good guy who did nothing wrong

I'm on day 7 and I feel exactly the same way. I reached to a psychologist today to help with the feelings. Cant skeep, no appetite......I hope you find the same feeling of peace I'm searching for

[SmartiePants]

I know it's tough. I wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts about him. It's like those thoughts actually wake me up. Returning to your first post, I did try to let him know I'd like to discuss relationship. But it seems like anything touching this subject shut him off completely. He just said he did not like the drama and cut me off. But earlier he was telling me there was nothing wrong and I made things up. Like I mentioned earlier he is just manipulating me by sending mixed messages and I keep swallowing. I keep telling myself that if subject about our relationship is drama to him then it was not important for him to keep

[Chris12189]

I know it's tough. I wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts about him. It's like those thoughts actually wake me up. Returning to your first post, I did try to let him know I'd like to discuss relationship. But it seems like anything touching this subject shut him off completely. He just said he did not like the drama and cut me off. But earlier he was telling me there was nothing wrong and I made things up. Like I mentioned earlier he is just manipulating me by sending mixed messages and I keep swallowing. I keep telling myself that if subject about our relationship is drama to him then it was not important for him to keep

 

Next time he messages just say, "Unless we are talking about getting back together seriously please dont message me or I will have no other option but to block you." I feel your pain. My ex sent me a random video of a song in a nightclub Sunday 1AM.....i deseperately wanted to reply but held strong and didnt. If they don't want anything to do with us romantically, then why keep messaging us>

[SmartiePants]

In my case I don't believe he'll ever message me. Since I broke up with him, I was the one who initiated texts and he was just replying. When I wanted to discuss relationship he would either ignore or evade the subject. He called it drama and after last time 6 days ago when I said I was not sure whether we are still in relationship and I wanted to know if he was out he completely ignored me. I then assumed it was his way of saying he was out and sent him an email ( I probably should have not but I did) where I described how I felt in our relationship (it was all good) and why I felt I needed to back out. I knew he would not respond and he did not. The more I think of everything the more it appears to me I was and still am in love with him and he was not. I just don't see how someone who was all over me messaging me constantly just go silent and don't even care even after I said how I feel. I feel like he either foes not have courage to say it's over so he won't look bad or he won't say it's over because he might wanted to keep me but without discussing anything . I just don't like it. All I wanted a straight answer. And now I'm in position to make assumptions and decisions so later on he can't be blamed for anything. Very clever way out I suppose

[SmartiePants]

I'm actually realizing I'm in indefinite no contact with him now. He won't message 100%,.and I won't anymore because there is no point it's not taking me anywhere. And I don't want my self worth to go lower when it is now. I'm going to start raising it. If there is true love he will message. But it's a nice dream though. I'm sure he already moved on. At the end I did not leave for another man, I felt he lost interest but did not want to be the one to end it. I ended it, he is now happy ignoring me. Why am I even bothering thinking of him that much . Paradox

[SmartiePants]

I know. I'm trying to. It's hard to control thoughts

 

You mentioned it took you over a year to get over him. My breakup happened in May. Plus we kinda kept in touch after. So it's still fresh in my head. But I realize I need to move on. He is gone from my life, I'm gone from his. I just need to feel it. But since he is now ignoring me I know I won't message anymore. So he will become a distant memory soon I hope

[SmartiePants]

My problem is I doubt myself if I did the right move ending it. I think maybe I should have given it a try in a wiser way trying to work it out by adjusting my expectations and thoughts while in relationships. But on the other hand why did I have to adjust and he would just be content with the way it was going. He just did not care

[SmartiePants]

Trying hard not to regret.

[katrina1980]

OP, I think if you understood exactly how POWERFUL no contact is, you’d be more inclined to stick to it.

 

By powerful, I mean every SECOND spent NOT communicating with him, is another second he’s wondering why the hell you’re not communicating with him!

 

Do you know how powerful that feeling is for a man? The wondering, the missing?

 

And also for YOU, because it’s very empowering!

 

I read something once and find it to be so true in my own experiences and life.

 

Men fall in love through DISTANCE.

 

Women fall in love through TOGETHERNESS.

 

Your DISTANCE speaks volumes to him. Just read this board – so many instances of men feeling meh and mediocre about their girlfriends, not feeling in love, not wanting to commit and ending the RL!

 

Once it’s over, and the woman remains NO CONTACT, like NOTHING, no texts, calls, messages in a bottle, NOTHING, suddenly the man realizes his feelings, how much he does love her and falls into what can only be described as this “longing” state - and starts obsessing!

 

However, by then, because of his apathy and indifference while IN the RL, she’s DONE.

 

Again, please read the hundreds of threads and posts from men who have experienced this, it’s crazy!

 

In my own relationships, even when in a RL, I keep a certain distance. What I mean by that is that I DON’T make him the center of my world.

 

I still have my own friends, my own family, my own job, my own interests, my own life! I am NOT always available to see him, even when he wants to. I do suggest another time though. Sometimes I am not always “busy” either, I just need time to myself!

 

Even now I am on vacay with my boyfriend, and every morning he’s gone for an hour, sometimes longer, to go work out!

 

He’s told me many of his previous gf’s would take major issue with this, and that he SOOOOO appreciates me for not doing that and allowing him his space!

 

I also take my space, in fact right now we just finished lunch (on the beach), I went back to the bungalow to freshen up, and to make this post!

 

The little bit of distance and space we allow each other, brings us closer and increases our intimacy because we are NOT dependent on each other for anything other than to love each other.

 

Our love stems from how we feel about each other, not how the other makes us feel by giving us attention, how much time they spend with us, etc.

 

Now with your guy (the subject of this thread), I think it’s too late for any of that, so best to move on.

 

But food for thought in your NEXT RL! I believe almost any man, even the worst case commitment phobic, will commit to a woman WHEN SHE HAS HER OWN LIFE, and doesn’t pressure him for a commitment or anything else.

 

Just relax and allow to all unfold slowly and naturally.

 

Allow him to move closer to you, in his own time!

 

Do not push it, do not rush it – if you do guarantee, all that will do is rush him towards the door and he will be gone!

 

I realize this takes a certain amount of independence on your (or any woman's) part, so as a goal going forward, strive for that!

 

If you're unable to do this, and are stuck on some sort of arbitrary timetable of when a man should commit, or how a man should act when in a RL. then end the RL and never look back.

 

I have a friend whose boyfriend recently married her after FIVE years dating! He vowed he never would marry again (ugly divorce), but she loved him and decided her love (and his love) were stronger and more powerful than any arbitrary timetable, so they waited, had a blast together in the meantime, and after four years, he literally got down a one knee and proposed! Had a beautiful wedding one year later.

 

But again with your guy, it's too late for any of that. He's DONE, guaranteed. So best to stay no contact, and take steps to move on.

[boltnrun]

Part of the problem is you've already decided that on the 31st day you are "probably " going to contact him. You're also hoping to have reconciliation someday.

 

That is a "keeping you stuck" mindset.

[SmartiePants]

I read those stories. And I never said I made him the center of the world. I too have friends,kids and a job. I did no run to him on his first request. As the matter of fact I had to cancel quite a few dates. At some point he was even complaining. As for space one thing is when your bf leaves in the morning for a couple of hrs which would be fine with me another thing is when you don't see each other often but when you do he makes you wait because he is never on time because of his job. And when i say wait I mean a few hours. Say we wanted to meet at 6 he would arrive at 9. I can see if he told me in advance but he would keep saying 6, then 7 etc. When you plan to spend weekend together but he calls in the morning and cancels it. I could handle it first but when you can't plan anything it it gets on nerves.

 

I know it's too late but I don't really want to return to relationship like this. I'm just rambling here because it's not easy

[SmartiePants]

I haven't decided I would be contacting him. Actually I don't think I will. What's for? He is finally happy he got rid if me. It's all good

[SmartiePants]

Getting back to NC. Yes, I read those stories where men are going crazy after 3-4 weeks and beyond. But there are also stories where men are just fine and the more time passes the less they think of their ex, some even jump into rebounds within first 2-3 weeks. I honestly think my ex would be like the ones that don't go crazy after breakup. Given , I am his ex gf #4, he's got experience LOL. Its me who got caught in this for the first time. I did not expect it to be that difficult. I had quite a few men in my life but this is the first I am going through this craziness. I was never attached emotionally to any of them except my ex husband. But the difference is when we broke up I already lost feelings for him so it was easy for me. I am sure he went through hell because he still loves me I believe. At least I learned something from this relationship and breakup.

[SmartiePants]

Katrina1980, I actually never pushed him for any commitment at all. I did not picture our relationship leading anywhere from the beginning. I think this might have been a factor to the break up too. He was the one who asked if I wanted to be his gf. He was the one who said he wanted commitment. He was the one questioning if I was committed to him. Having said all that he sent me a lot of mixed messages, so I did not know how serious he was if at all

[SmartiePants]

So this completes day 6 (12) and I am actually feeling pretty good. Was a bit mess in the morning but this forum helps a lot by reading your comments or just me posting here my thoughts. I think I am on my way to recovery and I feel it will start happening soon. What I know today:

 

Helping my recovery:

 

- He most likely wanted to end it but did not know how, so he created circumstances for me to make first move

- I did it, regretted it, tried to talk to him, said I loved him and blah blah. It did not do any good and he just disappeared lol

- Since he disappeared it has been actually easier on my head because while he was responding I was clinging on him. Now he is gone, I am gone

- I would not want to return to the relationship like this again even if by some magic he re-appeared and asked me to haha

- There were moments in our relationship I did not like and he would not be willing to make an effort to change anything

- He hid some things from me , was not entirely truthful, sent me mixed messages and overall just messed up my head turning me into some unsecure and needy woman I have never been before, because I simply could not figure him out

 

Not helping my recovery

 

- I still think of good moments that made me and him happy. Although it seems like a distant dream more and more now

- I still love him and any man I look at at this point cant compare

 

See what tomorrow will bring

[boltnrun]

I haven't decided I would be contacting him. Actually I don't think I will. What's for? He is finally happy he got rid if me. It's all good

 

I got that from what you wrote (yesterday I think): "'Im determined to do 30 days. I know I will most likely contact him at the end. I just can't accept the thought he never said yes or no to our relationship"

 

That sounds like you HAVE decided to contact him after 30 days..."most likely" sounds pretty certain.

 

But if you've changed your mind about that, it's a good thing. Those "Get your ex back, guaranteed!!!!!" sites and "programs" drive me nuts because they preach that on the 31st day your ex most certainly will take you back! I mean, nothing is impossible but what if it's the 45th day? Or the 60th? And how is the ex supposed to know it's day 30, let alone that they're supposed to take you back on that day? So I'm glad you've seen the futility of fixating on Day 30 as some kind of magic number.

 

Every day you will grow stronger. But what will help is putting these plans of contact and hopes that a reconciliation will happen away permanently. That way your happiness doesn't depend on something so very specific, so much so that if it doesn't happen you feel you can't be happy. Because of course you can.

[SmartiePants]

Yes I wrote it didnt I? But I felt a bit messy thins morning. I am sure we are in indefinite NC now. There is no point contacting him in 30 days or 30 months. I am not going to get my answer anyways. I already tried that. So, I'll go by his actions-he disappeared, he did not object the breakup, he was acting distant in last few weeks before breakup. At the time of the breakup it had been 2 months since I last saw him. So, he wanted out. I let him out. I actually at the moment dont even want him anymore. I know it will change a few times, but right now I dont need him at all in my life

[SmartiePants]

And yes I already put the thought of reconciliation in the garbage. I am just very direct and he is very evasive. I wanted an answer and he did not want to give it to me. I'll let him win. His actions are my answer. As for 30 days, I read it here somewhere, not in a get your ex back program lol. I am totally new to this break up business to be honest. I broke with my husband and never looked back. With this guy is a different story though

[Chris12189]

And yes I already put the thought of reconciliation in the garbage. I am just very direct and he is very evasive. I wanted an answer and he did not want to give it to me. I'll let him win. His actions are my answer. As for 30 days, I read it here somewhere, not in a get your ex back program lol. I am totally new to this break up business to be honest. I broke with my husband and never looked back. With this guy is a different story though

 

Instead of giving it an arbitrary number, why dont you wait until you get to a point whether he says yes or no to getting back with you (provided of course he shows concrete efforts and change) that you will not be affected. Either you get the guy you love back or you can honestly say to yourself "I have tried everything in my power to make this work and I respect your decision, I wish you the best" and then work on finding someone who will truly love you? Could be 30 120 500 days.....

[katrina1980]

Katrina1980, I actually never pushed him for any commitment at all. I did not picture our relationship leading anywhere from the beginning. I think this might have been a factor to the break up too. He was the one who asked if I wanted to be his gf. He was the one who said he wanted commitment. He was the one questioning if I was committed to him. Having said all that he sent me a lot of mixed messages, so I did not know how serious he was if at all

 

Okay my apologies, my previous post was based on your posts nos. 1 and 3, and some others throughout the thread, which stated something quite different from what’s posted above.

 

That your expectations were too high, you became insecure, made many mistakes because of that, among other things that led me to believe that you were needy, clingy and possibly pushed him away.

 

Sorry, my bad!

 

So, assuming what’s quoted above is how it actually went down, perhaps what you interpreted as “mixed messages” were his way of keeping his distance, not becoming too attached – since by your own admission above, HE was the one who wanted commitment and YOU were the one who wasn’t sure.

 

What did you expect him to do? Continue to come at you full force when you weren’t even sure if you wanted to be his girlfriend? He was probably really confused (I would be) and his behavior reflected that.

 

The work thing could have been totally legit, but you chose to take it personally, like him needing to stay late at work was some personal affront against you and you reacted (over-reacted).

 

You also said that you had to break dates occasionally, but when he did, somehow that means he doesn’t care about you?

 

You said above HE was the one who wanted commitment!

 

My honest assessment based on this new info (above) was that he got tired of your back and forth, your lack of commitment (as stated above), the push/pull – breaking up with him and then essentially taking it back days later -- lather, rinse, repeat.

 

No disrespect I promise but that type of behavior wreaks of not only insecurity and lack of self-awareness, but of instability as well, and he may have decided he just didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

 

I’m not suggesting he’s some sort of saint in all this, but it takes two, and at the very least, I think it would be wise to look at your own behavior, your own set of mixed messages and try looking at it from his perspective.

 

Basically I just think you allowed your emotions to get the better of you, became very insecure and made some very poor decisions because of it.

 

I'm not saying I'm right, just offering another, different perspective based on what's quoted above.

 

In any event, yes there IS something to be learned from all this.

 

I am sorry you’re hurting, breaks up suck – I wish you the best moving forward!

[SmartiePants]

Yes Chris, I was just answering to boltnrun about 30 days. I feel like he is not going to say anything and to say the least I dont care anymore. As you say at least I tried everything. I am sure he already moved on. I am happy for him. Hope he'll find what he is looking for and I'll find what I am looking for

[SmartiePants]

Okay my apologies, my previous post was based on your posts nos. 1 and 3, and some others throughout the thread, which stated something quite different from what’s posted above.

 

That your expectations were too high, you became insecure, made many mistakes because of that, among other things that led me to believe that you were needy, clingy and possibly pushed him away.

 

Ok sorry. I must have made the story confusing. Yes he wanted to be my bf and me to be his gf. But there were some trust issues from both sides one of which was him not letting me into his place and later me finding out he DOES live with his (ex?) gf in the same house. Given that I could not completely trust him. There were other things too. His trust issues were not grounded because he just made it up. Because of that yes, I felt insecure as he was using me. Just as he did not answer any questions about the breakup, he did not about his gf and why he would not let me

[SmartiePants]

So, assuming what’s quoted above is how it actually went down, perhaps what you interpreted as “mixed messages” were his way of keeping his distance, not becoming too attached – since by your own admission above, HE was the one who wanted commitment and YOU were the one who wasn’t sure.

 

I did not say I did not want commitment. I did. I just could not trust him completely and that held me back. As for mixed messages, he sent many