Want him back

[SmartiePants]

The work thing could have been totally legit, but you chose to take it personally, like him needing to stay late at work was some personal affront against you and you reacted (over-reacted).

 

Yes he works a lot but in the beginning say first three months he made an effort. My view is if you want to see somebody you will regardless of how much you work. I did not take it personally. Initially I told him when I was free and he would say we would meet that day. He would keep me hanging not knowing what time if at all. Put yourself on my place. You are waiting to get together with your bf who said he would see you at 8, then at 8 he messages you and says 9, and at 9 he messages you and says 10. You are lucky if he is coming at 10, but he might message at 10 and say sorry cant come. So, you spent all evening waiting instead of spending it in a more productive way. Why would not just say at 8 that most likely he wont come because he is super busy. I understand that. But why say yes coming and then every hour change it till not coming at all. Show me a woman who will put up with it for a long time. After I waited several times I said to let me know instead when he was free and I will see if I am free. And he never did. He was always busy. Its fine we just hang on weekends but then he started turning me down on weekends too. This is where I started to feel he was pulling away

[SmartiePants]

My honest assessment based on this new info (above) was that he got tired of your back and forth, your lack of commitment (as stated above), the push/pull – breaking up with him and then essentially taking it back days later -- lather, rinse, repeat.

 

No disrespect I promise but that type of behavior wreaks of not only insecurity and lack of self-awareness, but of instability as well, and he may have decided he just didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

 

I’m not suggesting he’s some sort of saint in all this, but it takes two, and at the very least, I think it would be wise to look at your own behavior, your own set of mixed messages and try looking at it from his perspective.

 

Basically I just think you allowed your emotions to get the better of you, became very insecure and made some very poor decisions because of it.

 

 

Yes I agree, but again what was I supposed to do if I could not trust him. I was in doubt, I still am he was sincere

 

He is definitely not saint. I tried talking to him, but every time after talking I was left with more questions than answers

 

And yes he is the type of man that would drive you crazy. My ex husband was so transparent I knew what he is going to do and say in advance. I could read him inside out and everything was clear to me. This guy is totally shaded. I admit I did not like it. If there is something that is not clear to me and is not getting any more clear then yes I start making assumptions and then emotions take there lead.

[SmartiePants]

And if you read all thread through I mentioned earlier that he said that women usually leave him. So, its not just me obviously. Also, when we first met and started to get to know each other he asked who left the relationship between me and my ex and I said it was me. I could tell his face changed right away as if he was thinking "oh no, not again"

[SmartiePants]

I'm not trying to be rude, but my goodness how I wish you could read this from an outsiders point of view. You'd see so clearly this man is not worth your tears, your thoughts, your time, your love. Nothing. I really hope you heal quick and put him far in the past where he belongs. I'm sorry :(

 

Yes, I see it now and back then I saw it too and even told him that if I am not worth his time, he is not worth mine. But nothing changed. I should have probably just drop him then and go NC to see if anything would change. I am sure it would not. But, I fell for him and when you are in love, you are blind

[SmartiePants]

I know, love is blind. But..... You don't need to be, nor are you, blind now. Don't ever entertain contact with him.

You'll be pulled back and sad all over again.

 

No, I am not going to contact him. I am actually happy he disappeared. It holds me back from contacting him. Sharing here my thoughts and reading all the comments helps a lot. Mind you my friends also told me not to waste my time but I was not listening

[SmartiePants]

Ugh. Day 7. Missing him like crazy again. When will it stop? I want to move on and I can't. One day is up another is down. It's getting hard on me.

[katrina1980]

Ugh. Day 7. Missing him like crazy again. When will it stop? I want to move on and I can't. One day is up another is down. It's getting hard on me.

 

May I ask what you’re “missing” about him exactly?

 

I mean, you’ve spent the better part of this 10-page thread telling us how poorly he treated you, kept you waiting several hours and/or stood you up on dates, sent many mixed-messages, or otherwise caused you to feel “crazy” etc – these are not actions/feelings you should be missing, these are actions/feelings you should be thankful you got away from!

 

I think you may be in the throes of some sort of “love addiction” – pls google it, it’s a real thing.

 

And are going through a “withdrawal” of sorts.

 

You know he’s bad for you and hurts you, but your “addiction” prevents you from moving forward.

 

Despite your assertions to the contrary, you’re still waiting for your “fix” either by him contacting you or responding positively to your contacting him. Which will only be a temporary fix anyway, cause eventually he will go right back to his usual ways -- treating you poorly and the rest of it. And you'll be right back where you started!

 

Anyway, I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this – I’ve been there too and it’s NOT fun!

 

My best advice is to continue no contact, and in time it will all get easier until eventually he will be no more than a distant memory to you. That is exactly how I feel now about my long-term ex (six years we were together) who TBH I never thought I would truly be able to move on from.

 

Time truly does heal.

 

Please take care and good luck!

[SmartiePants]

I miss good moments. While those things I described I did not like there were many I liked too. Don't get me wrong I loved our relationship. I loved being with him, when we were together he treated me well. I loved the way he looked, intimate moments etc. The reason I broke up with him was I felt he lost interest in me. I did not want to drag it further and then get hurt harder than it is now

[SmartiePants]

Starting day 8 and I am very proud of myself I broke my own previous record of 7 days. There must be something about this number but I feel so much different today. He hasnt messaged for 2 weeks as of today. And honestly today I could not care less. How do I feel today? Well, I looked back at all my actions after the break up and now I can see clearly how stupid it all was. But its OK. What is done is done. He knows how I feel about him but he does not care obviously. So, why should I? I strongly feel that my desire to contact him starting to vanish. I know it wont do anything but make me look desperate, needy, stupid and will feed his EGO and give him more power. Its already been done before and I am sure he either expects me to do it again or is just happy I finally fell off his radar. Its funny how you realize things once emotions settle down. No matter what people tell you, you have to realize it yourself and I finally do now. I wish I did not act that stupid but , hey, I learned my lesson for the next time if it will even happen to me again. I really feel today that there is more in this life than just sit all day and dwell on past. Yesterday I got an invitation for an interview for the job I really really want to get. I am super excited!

[SmartiePants]

I also want to say thank you guys for posting here your views and opinions. It really helps me to analyze the situation and draw conclusions. I will keep posting here till I feel I am finally over him. Last night I read an article that women get hit hard in the beginning of the breakup and are overfilled with emotions. But as the time goes by, about a month or so, they start to get over it. It certainly sounds like my case. Its been about 7 weeks since the breakup and yes I was hit hard by emotions that I shared with my friends and stupidly messaged him. But in the last week while still emotional it hasnt been that strong anymore. Today I feel no emotions towards him at all.

The article said for men the reality of the breakup usually settles with time and when they realize it women often already moved on. Not what it applies to my case with him, but it was interesting read

[SmartiePants]

Day 8 is almost over and I feel great. Was a bit mad at him today for wasting my time but other than that its been all good. I am actually feeling up today as I realize I dont have to be in the relationship that made me feel the way I did not want to feel. There had been good times too of course, but now I am focusing on what I did not like and it helps a lot. I feel freedom today

[Chris12189]

well done Smartie. Keep chuggin along

[SmartiePants]

It gets easier :)

[SmartiePants]

Yesterday I received a message from a guy I matched on speed dating. Not sure how I feel about it yet. Funny enough he has the same name as my ex bf and asked me out to the same places we went with my ex bf. It feels like deja vu.

 

Also received a call from a manager who wants to meet me for a new job. He has the same first name too. I feel like his name chases me somehow and interrupts with healing process .

 

Beginning of day 9 today

[SmartiePants]

How are you feeling Chris?

[Chris12189]

How are you feeling Chris?

 

ty. I just want to call and apologize to her

[SmartiePants]

ty. I just want to call and apologize to her

 

It's tough . I am a bit in a nostalgic mood today myself. But no desire to message him anymore

 

May I ask why she broke with you?

[Chris12189]

It's tough . I am a bit in a nostalgic mood today myself. But no desire to message him anymore

 

May I ask why she broke with you?

 

I stupidly started drinking again and neglected our whole relationship. I'm definitely in the wrong for this one

[SmartiePants]

I stupidly started drinking again and neglected our whole relationship. I'm definitely in the wrong for this one

 

Yes drinking is a big turn off for sure. It was for me with my ex husband. My ex bf did not drink at all and I loved it. But he neglected me in other ways. Women seek for attention and often men do not realize how important it is to us. My ex husband always showed me his attention by saying nice things, buying small gifts, flowers or just cards. These little things speak volumes to a woman. My ex bf did not do any of that. I know he was a different type of man, but still it felt different

[Chris12189]

Yes drinking is a big turn off for sure. It was for me with my ex husband. My ex bf did not drink at all and I loved it. But he neglected me in other ways. Women seek for attention and often men do not realize how important it is to us. My ex husband always showed me his attention by saying nice things, buying small gifts, flowers or just cards. These little things speak volumes to a woman. My ex bf did not do any of that. I know he was a different type of man, but still it felt different

 

When I wasnt drinking I gave her all the attention, flowers, cards everything. It hurts me more knowing that my actions caused a great relationship to end

[SmartiePants]

I feel your pain Chris. I dont know how guys go through break up but I constantly analyze the relationship and try to see what I would have done differently. As time goes buy I can see how some of my actions made him feel. You dont realize it right away because I think we all take things for granted assuming they would last forever. I now can see things that I could have done differently. I hope he thinks about our relationship sometimes too and sees things he did that hurt me. I dont know if he does or not but its nice to think he does.

[SmartiePants]

So day 9 is almost over. Today for some reason I thought of him a lot again. Felt a bit sad. Responded to the guy I matched on speed dating. He happened to work within walking distance from my work, so tomorrow we are going out for lunch. He seems like a nice guy so far, but I feel absolutely nothing towards him, not even a little bit of interest. But I will go just to get out of work and see how it goes. Like I mentioned earlier he has the same name as my ex and it really gets me in a hard way. I cant even enter that name in my contacts on my phone. It gives me heart pinch to even see it. So, I did not enter him as anybody, just a phone # for now.

[Chris12189]

I feel your pain Chris. I dont know how guys go through break up but I constantly analyze the relationship and try to see what I would have done differently. As time goes buy I can see how some of my actions made him feel. You dont realize it right away because I think we all take things for granted assuming they would last forever. I now can see things that I could have done differently. I hope he thinks about our relationship sometimes too and sees things he did that hurt me. I dont know if he does or not but its nice to think he does.

 

I do the same. I see a therapist tomorrow so I hope it helps. We are on the same schedule of NC Haha, glad to see one of us is doing good with it :)

[SmartiePants]

I do the same. I see a therapist tomorrow so I hope it helps. We are on the same schedule of NC Haha, glad to see one of us is doing good with it :)

 

Sorry, if you already said that but for how long have you been broken now? I am doing OK but probably because I haven't seen him for 3 months now and we broke up in mid May. We kept in some contact mostly initiated by me since then and only once I realized he had no intention to go back then I stopped. So its been 9 days of total NC but in reality its been much longer since the breakup and even longer since we saw each other. I am now sure I will never contact him anymore. I tried, it did not work. I said what I wanted, I offered to work on things etc. Its all big drama to him. So whatever. I am not doing it anymore. I actually feel good I poured all my thoughts and emotions onto him and he just chose to shut himself off. I think letting it all out is helping me to recover faster. Whatever he is feeling I dont know, but he said nothing and kept it all inside

[Chris12189]

Sorry, if you already said that but for how long have you been broken now? I am doing OK but probably because I haven't seen him for 3 months now and we broke up in mid May. We kept in some contact mostly initiated by me since then and only once I realized he had no intention to go back then I stopped. So its been 9 days of total NC but in reality its been much longer since the breakup and even longer since we saw each other. I am now sure I will never contact him anymore. I tried, it did not work. I said what I wanted, I offered to work on things etc. Its all big drama to him. So whatever. I am not doing it anymore. I actually feel good I poured all my thoughts and emotions onto him and he just chose to shut himself off. I think letting it all out is helping me to recover faster. Whatever he is feeling I dont know, but he said nothing and kept it all inside

 

Today is day 10 of NC but it's probably close to a month since we last saw each other.