Want him back

[SmartiePants]

No you are totally wrong. I'm not holding onto him anymore. I haven't been here for two months. I logged in to update what I learned. In June I had suspicion not proof. Now I have 100% proof. And yes I needed that 100% proof because I would have been questioning everything still. I believed him and I'm not easy to fool. Again all the evidence was there but it was not obvious to me. Now it is. I don't force anyone to follow my topic and don't like attacks towards me. I'm sharing my experience so others will learn from it. Imagine for a second you suspect something wrong about a person who is very close to you. Doesn't have to be romantic partner, whoever. And than that person assures you you are wrong in your assumptions. Would you just cross your connection and relationship and follow your gut without any proof or will you convince yourself you are wrong because this person can't possibly do things like this because you are so close. You paint everything black and white , there is grey area inbetween. If anything wanting him back would be the last thing on my list after all the men on this planet. Knowing he screwes other women no thank you. The difference between now and then is now I know then I just suspected.

[SmartiePants]

I find some people are very mean here. They just keep kicking you and putting you down. What is obvious from different perspective is not always obvious to people involved in a situation. Especially when feelings were playing role too. I have a big hole in my sole as it is after what happened I don't really need any additiobal stubs into my back. I worked hard to get where I'm now. I don't need to hear how stupid I was . I know it myself

[Jibralta]

I have a big hole in my sole as it is after what happened I don't really need any additiobal stubs into my back. I don't need to hear how stupid I was . I know it myself

 

Slightly off-topic but mom can be like that. If I'm not reacting the way that she thinks I should be reacting, she takes pot shots at me until I show (what she feels to be) an appropriate emotion. I remember once, I got into a car accident and totaled my car. She picked me up and on the way back home I was planning in my mind what I had to do next (call insurance, get a rental car, etc.). So, I was quiet and calm. But my mom felt that I should be crying. It was her opinion that the fact that I was not crying was proof that I wasn't taking things seriously. So she proceeded to insult me and yell at me until I finally did cry. It was and is a total lack of tolerance and respect for personal differences. I have come to the realization that she can't change this about herself and that I just have to figure out how not to take it to heart. And that's my point: don't take it to heart. You know the truth. Give yourself a break and let that be enough for you.

[figureitout23]

I find some people are very mean here. They just keep kicking you and putting you down. What is obvious from different perspective is not always obvious to people involved in a situation. Especially when feelings were playing role too. I have a big hole in my sole as it is after what happened I don't really need any additiobal stubs into my back. I worked hard to get where I'm now. I don't need to hear how stupid I was . I know it myself

 

I apologize you feel attacked. I can assure you that was not my intention. I would just hate for you to continue down the victim/obsessed/denial road any longer. For example - you stated he lied about having a kid early on. I remember, whats one more? Honestly? He always treated you badly, he was never open with you and you never trusted him.

 

I am SOOO glad you reached this point. You deserve so much better than this. But smartie, you cant change what you don't acknowledge. Granted, we cant always see what others can, I can definitely attest to that, but when conscious choices are made to overlook red flags and then excused as, "I know I should have known better but..." whats being learned? Whats being gathered? I hope Im making sense. You were nearly obsessed with a man who treated you like crap, attempting to prove yourself to him. That is SUCH a huge sign of inner turmoil. Smartie, I dont know your story, its none of my business, but you will keep repeating these patterns until you turn your googles within and find out what was attracting you to all this.

 

If Im mean and a bully and cruel for saying this so be it. I hope one day when youre fed up with drama you think back to my rude words and you decide to look within. If not, understood.

[katrina1980]

Why would you say that ?!?! I was answering to previous post with question about how I found out and what the signs were. I am totally over him. I know the truth and how stupid do you think I am to still hold hope for anything? I'm completely disgusted by him.

 

If anything left towards him it would be hate. Next stage would be indifference but I'm not there yet. Right now I just hate him

 

Smartie, please don't feel I'm judging you or attacking you, I promise that is NOT my intention. But girl, if you feel so angry at him that you are "disgusted" by him and you "hate" him then you are definitely not over him.

 

There is a very thin line between love and hate, polar opposites but both reflecting the same thing -- very strong feelings.

 

Also the mere fact you continue to post about him reflects there are still strong feelings.

 

Not judging cause I've been there too -- I thought I was over my ex (a few times) when in fact I was only suppressing those feelings, burying them, denying them in a sense.

 

I only post this because as figureitout said -- you can't change or heal from something you don't acknowledge.

 

It's a long road to indifference with many conflicting emotions. But once you arrive there, at that place of indifference (1) you won't even feel the need to post about him, negative or positive, (2) you will no longer feel disgusted by him or hate him, and (3) that is when you will KNOW you're truly over him.

 

Be patient with yourself and continue posting.

[SmartiePants]

I apologize you feel attacked. I can assure you that was not my intention. I would just hate for you to continue down the victim/obsessed/denial road any longer. For example - you stated he lied about having a kid early on. I remember, whats one more? Honestly? He always treated you badly, he was never open with you and you never trusted him

 

 

 

 

No worries.All good :)

Yes, I knew about the kid, but I did not know for sure what kind of relationship they were in at the time he was dating me. I mean I refused to admit it because he made me believe otherwise. Obviously when the second kid popped out it became obvious they are in the relationship kids come out from.

He did not always treat me badly. We had good times. Repeating myself again he is a great manipulator. This is why I had to dig till the every end because I started questioning my sanity with him. He would deny obvious making me feel bad. I would start questioning my words and actions etc. It became very unhealthy. At least now I know there was nothing wrong with me. There was nothing I did or said. Its now all clear

And you are right I ignored red flags and I only blamed myself for what had happened. He even told me once he did not do anything, I chose to be with him when I tried to confront him with him living with someone. Well,, true, but he forgot to mention he lied and never said yes or no to having a gf at home. Basically great manipulation to leave it up to me to decide and make assumptions. I admit I ignored obvious because I liked him and because it was never clear cut, always something shady

[SmartiePants]

Smartie, please don't feel I'm judging you or attacking you, I promise that is NOT my intention. But girl, if you feel so angry at him that you are "disgusted" by him and you "hate" him then you are definitely not over him.

 

There is a very thin line between love and hate, polar opposites but both reflecting the same thing -- very strong feelings.

 

Also the mere fact you continue to post about him reflects there are still strong feelings.

 

Not judging cause I've been there too -- I thought I was over my ex (a few times) when in fact I was only suppressing those feelings, burying them, denying them in a sense.

 

I only post this because as figureitout said -- you can't change or heal from something you don't acknowledge.

 

It's a long road to indifference with many conflicting emotions. But once you arrive there, at that place of indifference (1) you won't even feel the need to post about him, negative or positive, (2) you will no longer feel disgusted by him or hate him, and (3) that is when you will KNOW you're truly over him.

 

Be patient with yourself and continue posting.

 

Yes, I realize that. I am over him in a sense I dont love him any longer, I dont want him back and havent wanted him back for awhile. I admit it hurt badly when I got my proof. But what did I expect, right? I've got what I deserved. I think its normal that hate comes after love given the situation. But I know it wont last long because I dont normally hate anyone for a long time . It will pass soon, indifference will be next.

[figureitout23]

Yes, I realize that. I am over him in a sense I dont love him any longer, I dont want him back and havent wanted him back for awhile. I admit it hurt badly when I got my proof. But what did I expect, right? I've got what I deserved. I think its normal that hate comes after love given the situation. But I know it wont last long because I dont normally hate anyone for a long time . It will pass soon, indifference will be next.

 

I dont think you got what you deserved. He cast you in the role of his mistress essentially without your consent, no one deserves that. He’s a piece of work for sure.

 

Honestly though from my recollection, I don’t remember there ever being anything you said that I would think would make someone emotionally healthy fall in love. He was hard to get, hot and cold, mysterious, and gave you just enough to leave you feeling if you just proved yourself he would change. He manipulated you, but man was he lazy about it, again, definite piece of work, I’m sorry you put up with that. Now that it’s over, absolutely take the time to be angry, take the time to be sad, go through whatever feels natural and once you feel you’re ready please do me a huge favor at start to seek help on what caused you to latch onto him. Was it the time between your divorce and this relationship? We’re you maybe not fully healed? Childhood issues, self esteem? I don’t need to know, it’s 100% your business and I mean that, my point is and I’m sorry if I’m not being clear when I say this, something drove you in this, you got something or of it. It’s a warning sign of something deeper, heal yourself so you’re ready to love your life fully and completely you deserve to be happy!!!

[SmartiePants]

The only explanation I have to all this is I fell in love with him. It was very deep and love is blind

[figureitout23]

The only explanation I have to all this is I fell in love with him. It was very deep and love is blind

 

Just a quick update on my progress. I finally realized that our relationship was based on crazy infatuation and nothing else. We both were superficial and fell for each other's looks and never actually knew each other deeply as persons. I thought I was in love with him but it was not love. So, what can I say, I am about 90% over him now. I am still grateful for time with him as he made me experience those crazy feelings as never before. I am sure I wont have anyone like him in my life anymore and this experience was given me for a reason. I am totally OK with the fact its over. I am back to my normal self and my life. Thank you everyone for your help!

 

Smartie this was the last thing you wrote before you updated us yesterday. Come on... we can only go by what you wrote. I forgot how, well for a lack of better words, closed off you were to hearing anything.

[SmartiePants]

Yes I should have said infatuation not love in a sense it should be.There was crazy infatuation between us from the very beginning. But it is also a very strong feeling that blindfolded me.

[SmartiePants]

I know you are not going to like it but I have an update. After 9 months since our last physical contact, 2 months since I accidentally bumped into him at work, several weeks after I deleted his number, all his pictures, threw out all the items he once bought and stopped thinking of him while in complete no contact guess what? Yes, he texted me right before Christmas. To say I was in shock is to say nothing. It took me an hour and a half to decide whether I should respond. After all the work I've done I should have not but I did. He wanted to come over the same day as nothing had ever happened. I said no. He continued texting every day. We texted back and forth for another 2 weeks. I told him there was no need in lying to me anymore about his gf, kids etc and I knew he wanted me for sex. After giving it some thought I told him I would not mind to be FWB with him till I meet someone worthwhile and as long as I did not have anymore feelings for him. At the end I am the one who is still single and he is the one who is the cheater. He was cool with it and we met. I really did not feel anything towards him. I think all the feelings just burned out. We talked and were close that day. I know I should have not done it but I did. He continued texting me for another week till I ignored his messages one day and did not respond till next day. I just felt it was getting too much and I did not want to get emotionally attached to him again knowing it is going nowhere anyways. He never responded back and it's been a week of NC since then. I know before I would be freaking out but now I am actually happy and grateful he disappeared again. He might re-appear some day and he might not. It does not really matter to me anymore. I am still searching for a man who I will be 'the one" for. If it happens great if not I am OK with being on my own. I know some of you will judge and I am OK with it too.

[Wiseman2]

He can only reappear when you keep the lines of communication open like this by not blocking and deleting him from all your social media and messaging apps. Why not refocus on getting a good profile and recent nice pics up on some quality (paid) dating apps and start messaging and meeting higher quality men? This way you won't be so lonely and desperate that you are actually tempted to have hookups with cheating creeps like this.

he texted me right before Christmas. I am the one who is still single and he is the one who is the cheater. He might re-appear some day and he might not. It does not really matter to me anymore. I am still searching for a man who I will be 'the one" for.

[figureitout23]

Curious what made you give this update. Honest question.

[SmartiePants]

He can only reappear when you keep the lines of communication open like this by not blocking and deleting him from all your social media and messaging apps. Why not refocus on getting a good profile and recent nice pics up on some quality (paid) dating apps and start messaging and meeting higher quality men? This way you won't be so lonely and desperate that you are actually tempted to have hookups with cheating creeps like this.

 

I did register on paid site actually quite awhile ago. It doesn't mean it fis full of quality men. I dated a few but it's hard to find what I really want. I don't want to settle for just the sake of being in relationships. I don't want anyone for just sex either. If I was desperate I would have picked someone by now. With him it just happened

[SmartiePants]

Curious what made you give this update. Honest question.

 

So if anyone is reading in hope to get their exes back by doing NC it actually works to hear back from them. Whether it needs to be pursued or not depends on the situation. In my case definitely no but I was just too surprised he reappeared so I thought I'd update. I don't need any advice anymore. Just wanted to share

[Jibralta]

It's not the no contact that brought him back; it's the fact that he thought he could score with you.