Want him back

[SmartiePants]

For the first time today I woke with the first thought about a new guy. It did not last long as my mind drifted back to my ex. Sigh

[Chris12189]

For the first time today I woke with the first thought about a new guy. It did not last long as my mind drifted back to my ex. Sigh

 

thats a remarkable improvement though.

[IAmFCA]

Beware the full court press. You say you have been experiencing it from men including this new one. The heavy attention early is the mark of a hunter. Its fun to be hunted but it isn't fun to be prey.

 

The heavy communication and your response to it reveals that he can barrel past and through your boundaries, so long as he appeals to your ego. He will escalate this pattern to access you physically and emotionally.

 

It is unsustainable. It is based on a pattern of small violations and permissions. It is all about attentiveness, yes, but it is achieved by asserting his agenda over yours. Yes, you give permission but you are following a path he creates.

 

Your authority over yourself is tested, found to be low, and he steps in.

 

Respect and affection for you - its 180degrees opposite from this.

[SmartiePants]

Beware the full court press. You say you have been experiencing it from men including this new one. The heavy attention early is the mark of a hunter. Its fun to be hunted but it isn't fun to be prey.

 

The heavy communication and your response to it reveals that he can barrel past and through your boundaries, so long as he appeals to your ego. He will escalate this pattern to access you physically and emotionally.

 

It is unsustainable. It is based on a pattern of small violations and permissions. It is all about attentiveness, yes, but it is achieved by asserting his agenda over yours. Yes, you give permission but you are following a path he creates.

 

Your authority over yourself is tested, found to be low, and he steps in.

 

Respect and affection for you - its 180degrees opposite from this.

 

I see what you are saying. Unfortunately I get it a lot. Men are men. That's what they see first the body and the face. But it does not mean I don't have self respect. I don't give myself away to anyone. What you describe sounds like my ex. I succumbed to him because of his charm, attention and looks. I wanted him badly and he knew that. But I learned my lesson. This guy is different

[boltnrun]

I see what you are saying. Unfortunately I get it a lot. Men are men. That's what they see first the body and the face. But it does not mean I don't have self respect. I don't give myself away to anyone. What you describe sounds like my ex. I succumbed to him because of his charm, attention and looks. I wanted him badly and he knew that. But I learned my lesson. This guy is different

 

How do you know he's "different "? What are you basing this assertion on? How much attention he gives you?

 

You said your ex was "different " too. He gave you attention too.

 

Do not make the mistake of using this man as a human bandaid. You'll end up in the EXACT SAME situation you are in now, heartbroken and sad.

[SmartiePants]

How do you know he's "different "? What are you basing this assertion on? How much attention he gives you?

 

You said your ex was "different " too. He gave you attention too.

 

Do not make the mistake of using this man as a human bandaid. You'll end up in the EXACT SAME situation you are in now, heartbroken and sad.

 

I don't know but I think so. Yes my ex was different in a sense he was very gentle, caring, lots of compliments etc. However from him I felt more sexual pressure. I even asked him if he saw anything else in me besides the body and the face. He assured me he did .

This guy while I know he is attracted to me does not seem to be the same. Although it's only been one date so who knows. Also we talked and he said he had been single for awhile after he separated with his wife . Then he met a woman and dated her for almost a year and then she ended it and he has been single since September. My ex when I met him had three gf before me after (or while still with ) his long term gf. Provided his kid was about a year old when we met he did not wait too long to jump from one gf to another. So I see this guy is different and more serious. As for the attention and compliments, well these guys are deprived of sex . They can't really contain themselves when they see an attractive woman. It does not bother me much, I think it's totally normal

[boltnrun]

But you're not waiting to "jump" to the next guy.

 

How is what you're doing different from (or more acceptable than) what your ex did?

 

And yeah, after one date you have no idea if this man is different. But his attention makes you feel better so...

[SmartiePants]

I'm not an easy prey and not readily available to anyone. I don't create this impression. I just happen to be slim and good build with attractive face features. I can't hide it. I do shut it down and did with my ex many times. But you can't shut it down forever if you start feeling attraction. This guy does not look like a hunter. My ex did. But I chose to ignore. He (ex bf) was really surprised I was single when we met and even more impressed I had not had sex with anyone after my ex husband for over a year. So I know my worth

I just rapidly fell in love with him and gave myself away to him. I could not control the process. It was very strong attraction and feelings. Also I disagree about flattery. My ex husband was like that too. He actually won me over with his words as he is very good at saying nice things. However he loved me and married me and we spent many years together.

[SmartiePants]

Yes I know what you mean. Honestly it was first time in my life I fell for a guy based on just looks and charm. I don't mind the attention. I actually enjoy flirting knowing they are not getting it anyways. I never cheated on any of my partners but I could flirt with others . I don't see any harm in it ?. We will see where it is going to go. I'm definitely more careful this time. Besides sex without feelings involved means nothing to me. And my heart is still with my ex. So nothing is going to happen for awhile. If he stiks around then he might be worth something. We will see

[figureitout23]

Heads up to you......you just went and layed all your weakness out on the line to a guy you don't even know. Big mistake.

He will give you all the attention you crave to get you to have sex and move on. He also won't respect you nor see you long term. If you want something to work right, get your confidence back from within, not from a man who feeds you attention .

 

Bingo! You are what we call rebouding

[SmartiePants]

Bingo! You are what we call rebouding

 

Why so?! I did not lay my weaknesses on him. I told him as it is. I wanted him to know it is still fresh. He understood. He actually said himself he did not want to be my rebound and I said I was not looking for one. I am not looking for attention, I am looking for something more than that. I am not going to jump in bed with the first guy who gives me attention. He is not going to get any sex unless I feel something towards him which is not going to happen anytime soon. If I wanted just sex, I could go and get it. Its not what I am after. While I am still heartbroken, I am not in a state where I desperately need someone right here and right now. On July 26 it is going to be 4 months since I saw my ex bf. Yes we kept in touch since March, but it was all already sour and finally ended. As time goes by I see more it would have not worked out anyways, so why am I grieving about something that was not going to happen. Yes I can sit and think all what ifs and what I've done wrong. But the reality is if he loved me he would not have let me go that easily. He would have not called my questions about our relationship "drama". So, I am moving on and the only way to do it is meeting new people. You never know what can come out. But I learned my lesson. I am cautious now

[boltnrun]

Sigh...yes, meeting "new people" is good, but insisting this man is "different"after ONE date doesn't seem to be showing restraint.

 

You don't know him.

[SmartiePants]

Sigh...yes, meeting "new people" is good, but insisting this man is "different"after ONE date doesn't seem to be showing restraint.

 

You don't know him.

 

He is different from my ex. That is all I meant

[boltnrun]

He is different from my ex. That is all I meant

 

What you actually wrote was this: "So I see this guy is different and more serious..."

 

And I'm wondering how you know this after one date.

[SmartiePants]

I'm gonna be brutally honest here, and say if I did not bail on all the guys I have this past year, they would have been smart to bail on me because I was hurt and heartbroken and rebounding. Not one tried to bail, you know why? They saw me as easy prey. There's a few who still text me, I never reply. Smart men, just like smart women, keep away from those who are hurt over a previous relationship. It's never wise to rebound nor to be one, unless it's agreed it's a casual thing that has zero expectations, and you're both okay with the high possibility that it will fizzle out.

 

I'm a year out and two months into something new, but I'm still cautiously slow. It doesn't matter you last saw him four months ago, the fact is that he still rents a large space in your mind, and until he doesn't, you are setting yourself up for hurt. The guy was a class act jerk with all the lies and things he hid from you. It's your ego that's hurt, because the logical you knows this man deserves no care, no thoughts, no nothing. Until you heal your ego, you're going to seek out men that are okay with you hurting over someone else. You really need to be careful. Those are not good candidates for long term .

 

ETA: not judging, I stupidly did it with the ex , him just getting divorced. Never ever again will I do that.

I also rebounded and stupidly married my rebound whom I divorced. It's just never good. Oh and another one killed himself because I was his rebound and his ex got engaged, and he was devastated.

 

OMG all the drama. LOL. Ok, I dont remember how many guys you dated last year you said before, About 30? I honestly have no time and desire to do that. I am not jumping into another relationship because I know I am not ready. I am sure the right guy will understand and take it slowly with me. Any others I am not interested in. Maybe I was my ex's rebound too. Who knows. All the gfs he had...

[SmartiePants]

No, I am not healed but not keeping in touch with the ex helps a lot to get there faster. I am actually glad he started ignoring me. ( 3 weeks as of yesterday) Gives me a new perspective to see who he really is. It made me mad at first, but now I am grateful. My eyes are opening wider every day. I know when I care of someone I wont ignore that person. Him doing that tells me he does not care which is fine. Only confirms that there is nothing there and its time to just forget him and move on. Sure enough my heart still remembers good moments, but logic is taking over now. I think of how I felt in this relationship and I know its not what I really wanted to feel like.

I cant say I am clinging on a new guy or he is clinging on me. He knows what I feel because he went through the breakup about a year ago himself. He is fully healed now though. I think i actually liked him for who he is and I did not compare him to the ex at all last night. If he just wants sex, well too bad for him because its not happening. My view of rebound is someone jumping into "relationship" right away, get attached etc. I am not doing that. I actually dont even care if this works out or not. I kinda starting to feel as my old self when I did not care if I am with anyone or not. I'll go with the flow, no expectations.

[SmartiePants]

Pasture or not but he definitely does not belong in my heart. I actually found myself thinking less of him today. My mind still plays tricks on me and wants to go through great moments again and again, but then logic steps in and keeps telling me to stop

 

Before the breakup when things already became sour we talked on phone and he told me that he was not forcing me to be with him and that I did not have to be with him and that if I am unhappy I should leave him. When I asked if he wanted me to leave him alone, he said no. He also said it was two ways street and that it was not only him who had to chase. This one I dont understand because I dont think he chased me but rather tried to avoid. He is just a master manipulator that kept me constantly wondering what he meant. When I look back I know I hated it. I like it clear cut. With him it was always shaded. So, yeah pasture it is lol

[SmartiePants]

Woke up with the feeling that I dont care about whether I have anyone or not. I am starting to like it. It feels like I am getting my freedom back slowly. New guy is starting to get a bit annoying with his attention which is steering in a wrong direction. So yeah, I think you all right, he wants to get physical which I have no intention to do anytime soon with him or anyone else.

As for my ex, feelings are still there and are going to be for awhile. But I've realized that under no circumstances I would like to get back together into romantic relationship with him. Not in a way it had been anyways. If he magically became transparent and told me all about the things he hid from me and stopped lying from now on I would probably even then had trust issues still. So I think I am getting now indifferent towards lost relationship with him. Probably sometime in a distance future when the feeling die completely I might or might not reach him to see how he is. But only because he is in a position where he can give valuable work related advice. So it would be nice to retain him for that purpose. If not it's fine with me. Probably by then I will already be far ahead with my new job and might not even need any advice from him.

Starting day 17 of NC and day 23 since he last messaged me. It is getting easier

[SmartiePants]

I'm thinking of him again at work. I just want him to get out of my head already. It is exhausting to my mind. Really, why would he be stuck there if I know I don't want him. I liked how I felt this morning. Now my heart objects

[boltnrun]

And this is why it's a bad idea to try to attach to or "replace" him with attention from a new guy. You're back and forth, up and down, from one hour to the next it seems. And that's fine, it's pretty normal. But I would say no way are you in a state of mind to make good romantic decisions for yourself.

 

And again, that's fine. I stopped dating for a long while after my relationship with an awful man ended. I knew I could not make good decisions for myself, so I took that option away until I felt I could be my own champion again.

 

PS: Would you consider starting a new thread? It's kind of jarring to see the thread title "Want Him Back" lol.

[SmartiePants]

Told the new guy I was not comfortable with his advances and was not interested in meaningless physical contacts. Told him if he wanted to get to know me better I'm open to take it slowly. He said he gets it and maybe we should just do something next week. I haven't decided if I should or not yet

[SmartiePants]

And this is why it's a bad idea to try to attach to or "replace" him with attention from a new guy. You're back and forth, up and down, from one hour to the next it seems. And that's fine, it's pretty normal. But I would say no way are you in a state of mind to make good romantic decisions for yourself.

 

And again, that's fine. I stopped dating for a long while after my relationship with an awful man ended. I knew I could not make good decisions for myself, so I took that option away until I felt I could be my own champion again.

 

PS: Would you consider starting a new thread? It's kind of jarring to see the thread title "Want Him Back" lol.

I'm getting much better emotionally. If before I felt sad and regretful now it is more seeing things I chose not to before.

I don't think I want to open another thread . I consider this thread as my journal of NC and recovery . When I opened it I wanted him back, now I don't . Getting back together is not always an option. So whoever reads this thread will realize it

[boltnrun]

I hope "do something next week" doesn't mean you going to his place or him to yours!

[SmartiePants]

I hope "do something next week" doesn't mean you going to his place or him to yours!

 

No I think we will go to a restaurant or something. Last time when I went to his place we just sat outside on the front porch. That was the condition I was coming with. I did not go inside

[SmartiePants]

Also the reason he invited me over was because he had kids this week and they were in bed sleeping. Next week kids are with their mom, so he is more free