SmartiePants Posted July 4, 2018 Author Share Posted July 4, 2018 I do appreciate any advice. Its just when I posted here a few days ago I thought I would do it to try to get him back. In this case contacting him would be wrong move. But as days go by I realize he moved on and I don't want to chase something what is out of reach to disappoint myself at the end. He is gone and I am OK with it. It still hurts, I still love him I wont lie. Maybe even more because I initiated it realizing the relationship not going anywhere. But at the end I realize it was the right decision because its better do it now than later on when I would get attached even deeper if its even possible to go any deeper than it is. As for him caring, I hope he does. I hope he will experience some sadness and feelings he lost something that meant something to him. I wont hold my breath but it is a nice thought to entertain And yes I am slowly getting back to my usual life. It is sure not that exciting without him in it. But it will get better. I am not ready for any relationship anytime soon I dont think. But I will try dating to get my mind off him. And you are so right about acceptance. When you fully accept the fact and stop fighting you feel so in piece with yourself. I have experienced it before and hope it will come soon to me Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 4, 2018 Author Share Posted July 4, 2018 Yes I know. I went on a few dates and it was awful. You cant help but keep comparing. And of course no one is good enough in my eyes after him. Right! No chasing. Just go off his radar. It's said it takes men on average 4 months to really feel a loss. I know sometimes men are funny. About two years ago I met a guy and we just mostly texted. He was fun and we clicked right away. He cracked me up all the time. But the dating was impossible as he lived on the other side of the city and his schedule was crazy (he was a cop). So I kinnda stopped texting him after awhile. He reached a few more times and also stopped. I deleted his contact and forgot about him. There was no feelings involved at all. Then in a year I received a text from him checking on me LOL. I did not even know who it was because I did not have his number but he kept mine? LOL. Anyways it did not go anywhere but the point is men can be back in time. It happened to me before. Not what I want it to happen in my case but curios if he ever reach me in a future. Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 5, 2018 Author Share Posted July 5, 2018 Also I dont think he is going to sit there and wait to feel loss for 4 months haha. He is handsome, has successful career, drives a very nice car, very polite, charming, clean etc. He can have any woman he wants. If he had 3 gf in a short period before me he can replace me in a matter of days if not already. Would be nice to think he misses me but I think he moved on very quickly Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 5, 2018 Author Share Posted July 5, 2018 I swear we dated the same man! Lol LOLOL Too funny I am not trying to defend him but he was (still is???) in the long term relationship for 15 years. I know that for sure because I have access at work to his info. Another question is though, you live with a woman for 15 years and you dont want to marry her? He did tell me he wanted committed relationship but he said many other things too. To be honest with his type of personality its hard to get into his head. I never had a clear picture of what exactly he wanted. He talks evasively , never a direct answer to a question he does not want to answer, always very careful with what he says, mixed messages etc. Its funny how I realize with my brain there has always been something odd but I chose to close my eyes on many things. Maybe in a couple of weeks I will start seeing something else Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 5, 2018 Author Share Posted July 5, 2018 I think mine was / is dating while still with his gf too. At least yours was honest about it, mine wasnt. I just dont know why. I am sure he could find someone who would not care if he is single or not. But maybe it would not be as romantic for him as being in "relationship". Who knows. I dont know for sure if they are still together, I am just guessing given some other factors. He said they "grew apart" but he never let me in into his place. That means she is there, right? I know I am stupid, but he said it was not the right time and blah blah. And at the same time he was always available from early morning to late night, so I believed he was single. Otherwise I could not see how he would stay in touch with me . Although when I think further about it, there could be that she was away for a few months, like business trip or whatever, there could be temporary break up between them, or maybe they are in open relationship, who knows. I have a friend who is married and has several lovers and her husband is totally fine with it. lol Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 5, 2018 Author Share Posted July 5, 2018 SweetGirl28 I just want to say thank you for supporting me here. Our stories are very similar so it helps me a lot. I know recovery will take time but I am feeling better with your help. There are still random thoughts are popping up in my head about him like "maybe he was serious about me" lol, but I know I am just kidding myself because I want it to be the case Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 5, 2018 Author Share Posted July 5, 2018 I'm definitely NOT contacting him anymore. He knows where I am and how I feel about him. If he wants me he will reach me if not then not. I'm not holding my breath though. As for his gf, I know men and women think differently but I'd rather know the truth. To me hiding the fact the gf is still there means they are still together. I keep in close contact with my ex husband because we have kids. My ex bf knew all about him but I knew nothing about him and his gf. At the end I run away anyways. Funny enough he once told me that women usually leave him and he wanted to keep me. At that time I thought why, he seemed to be such a catch. Now I see why SweetGirl28 did he tell you he loved you ? I can't help but wonder what love to these men means. How long were you together ? Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 5, 2018 Author Share Posted July 5, 2018 So it's day 2 and day 8 since he texted me last time. I'm doing OK but still thinking of him a lot. Can't help but wonder if he even thinks of me or if it's just easy for him to forget me. Don't feel an urge to contact him or anything. Just feel sad I'm single again lol Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 5, 2018 Author Share Posted July 5, 2018 I think my ex husband senses I broke up with my bf. He texts me bringing past. I know he still loves me but I have no feelings for him left. Why life is so unfair. I feel like I'm getting revenge. He loves me but can't have me , I love my bf but can't have him. I feel like crying now Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 5, 2018 Author Share Posted July 5, 2018 Omg after this last meltdown my brain is clear as crystal now. I'm realizing how stupid I was to send him that last email .lol. He must think I'm an idiot lol. But on the other hand now I'm sure he will never ever message. That is what we want at the end right ? OMG I feel do embarrassed. I really now hope he blocked me lol As for saying love words mine did a lot. But you are right it's easy to say Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 5, 2018 Author Share Posted July 5, 2018 Oh and did I mention he also hid from me he had a kid and lied how old he was ? He is my age but said he was 4 years younger. Why?!? These are just the facts I know for sure. I wonder what else he said or hid from me that I am not aware of. I did not know about the kid and age till recently. I think this is where things started to fall apart as I could not trust him anymore. Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 5, 2018 Author Share Posted July 5, 2018 I should have gone with my initial gut instinct(first time we met I didn't give him my number, he was hitting on me hard) . I gave it to him when I saw him again at the place we met a couple weeks after. The chemistry was intense and I just jumped. Our stories are definitely very similar. I was not sure about this guy either. I was not sure if I liked him until after 3 date. In the beginning I tried to turn him down a few times but each time he convinced me he was after serious relationship. Our chemistry was too very intense that I just thought I was on something after all Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 6, 2018 Author Share Posted July 6, 2018 Finished day 2. I am fine really. Still thinking of him but not in a way I want him back but rather looking more realistically at our relationship and realizing it was going nowhere Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 6, 2018 Author Share Posted July 6, 2018 Day 3. He is on my mind again. Today I'm looking back at our relationship and thinking of what I could have done differently to steer it in a different direction. I can't help but think " what if" and then things could have turned out differently. I know I'm kidding myself but I think it's helping me not to make the same mistakes in the future. I feel lonely today. I miss being in relationship when you know someone is into you and cares. When you care in return. Link to comment
Chris12189 Posted July 6, 2018 Share Posted July 6, 2018 im going through a similar break up atm as welll (except im the dumpee and Im a guy). Here are things I do: -started a journal and write down how I feel every night b4 bed -started exercising again (you feel amazing after an accomplished workout, plus it doesnt hurt to look good) -my ex-girlfriend has tried chatting me up as if we are still together, I simply told her do not contact me unless you want to discuss getting back together. there is no reason for us to speak otherwise. I suggest you send something similar to your ex so he gets the picture -make a list Positive vs Negatives. Write the positive things about your ex/relationship on one side and then do the same with the negatives on another side. Compare them and see what you find. It helped me. -I wrote my ex a letter detailing how I felt and how I was going to address my part in our relationship failing and how I felt about her. It feels really good after you done. When you are done writing, DONT send it. Either keep it somewhere so you can read it at a future time and see how your feelings have changed, or if you cant trust yourself to not send it, burn it or trash it. I hope this helps and I think you will be just fine once time elapses some. You say you are a beautiful ambitious girl with a bright future, you will have guys lining up to be with you. Also, trust me from myself, most guys are retarded in college :) Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 7, 2018 Author Share Posted July 7, 2018 Hey Chris Well, I am well past college age LOL, but it does not matter at the end of the day. It's been over 6 weeks since our break up, so I already went through some of the things on your list. I did write a letter/email, and you right I felt really good. But I sent it ad I dont care. As days go by I realize I dont want to be in the relationship like this anymore Today I went out with my friend and she really helped me to analyze further and realize one more time how stupid I was. I am only now starting to see things I chose to ignore before. We both agreed he is a very skillful manipulator. Mind you he holds a top management job, so he knows how to manipulate people. Funny thing I realized and felt I was being manipulated somehow, I just refused to admit it. I am not 100% myself yet but I am getting there. Before I met him I was very secure, independent and did not "need" to have a man with me. But after I met him it all changed. I became insecure, still independent but kinda needy. I am looking back at our relationship and starting to laugh at myself. This completes day 3 on NC and day 9 since he messaged last time. I feel like dont ever want to contact him. Maybe in time when I am back to myself and have a new bf I will reach him to see how he is. Maybe I will, maybe I wont. But if I will it will definitely be not for reconciliation purposes but rather to stay in touch as good old friends. I like to retain people in my life and stay in touch. At the end he did not really do anything bad to me Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 7, 2018 Author Share Posted July 7, 2018 Also, the more confident and back to myself I get, the less I want him back if at all, the more I think he might reach me at some point in the future. Or at least I like to have this thought lol Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 7, 2018 Author Share Posted July 7, 2018 Day 4 and today I drafted another email which I am not going to send. I did not address it to anyone, just let my thoughts out and left it in my drafts folder. As days go by I gather more thoughts and feel there are things that should have been said before and they never have been. So, I put them all out in the email and it made me feel good to imagine me saying it all before, while we were still in relationship. I am sure I will have more thoughts popping out in my head down the road that I will keep putting into that email. I am sure in time I will read it again and will laugh at myself but at this point it seems to be important to say all of that. What do I feel today? I am disappointed in myself because I let this relationship in my life knowing in advance it will hit the dead end. I am mad at myself for allowing this guy into my heart that causes me suffering now. I wont lie I still love him and think of him a lot. Do I want him back? No. Not in a way the relationship had been. Would I like him back in a new relationship that I picture I want to have? I would, but it will never happen for two reasons. First because he will never be back. Second even if he were he would not be that guy who would work with me to build future together. So, it all has to go Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 8, 2018 Author Share Posted July 8, 2018 For some reason I miss him a lot today and do want him back. Sigh. Day 5 NC and day 11 since he last messaged me Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 9, 2018 Author Share Posted July 9, 2018 Went with a friend to speed dating today. It sucked. Want to cry again. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 Went with a friend to speed dating today. It sucked. Want to cry again. Why are you trying to date when you're still hoping for reconciliation with your ex? Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 9, 2018 Author Share Posted July 9, 2018 My friend wanted to go so I went along. I'm not hoping for reconciliation. I don't think it's possible. I want to have someone in my life. I am not sure I'm ready got dating though Link to comment
boltnrun Posted July 9, 2018 Share Posted July 9, 2018 Ok, I just saw in another thread that you said you were hoping to get back together. Just don't be in such a hurry to dull the pain that you jump into a relationship with the next guy who comes along. Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 9, 2018 Author Share Posted July 9, 2018 Yes I said I hope I can post my reconciliation story someday. But the reality is it's not going to happen Link to comment
SmartiePants Posted July 9, 2018 Author Share Posted July 9, 2018 I'm not in a hurry to jump with anyone. There is a guy I get along well and I was thinking of dating him. But the funny thing is he seems to be out of picture now. I guess everything happens for a reason. I'm not ready and guts just fall off me Link to comment
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