Ghosting.. Why do they do it?

[boltnrun]

I used to date a guy something like that.

 

He didn't want me dating or sleeping with anyone else. But he sure did!

 

He wanted me to be available to him when he wanted me, but if he was busy having "fun" with another woman he didn't want me interrupting. So he'd vanish and then reappear when he wanted some boltnrun booty. I suspected he was sleeping around but I didn't find out for sure until after I stopped seeing him. He said well, of course he was! That I would have been silly to think otherwise. Even though he claimed previously that he wasn't.

 

So yeah, he wants YOU available to him but I would not put much stock in believing that he's sexually faithful to you. I bet when he disappears it's because he's "having fun" with a different woman.

 

I hope condoms have been used every single time with him.

[Hollyj]

He is not a respectful FWB. Just block him.

 

So much drama. I don't understand why you went back after the first time he blocked you?

[SGH]

If you don't want to sleep with a man who gets around with other women, what you want is a committed relationship. This man isn't worth trying to be involved with in any serious way. You know the hot/cold behavior and disappearing acts are to control you, and you're right where he wants you to be - obsessing about his behavior. Find someone else who is willing to be exclusive that will show you bare minimum respect.

 

As a side note, if you find yourself attracted to men who treat you like garbage, you have some serious baggage to work through before you re-enter the dating/sex pool.

[Hollyj]

"As a side note, if you find yourself attracted to men who treat you like garbage, you have some serious baggage to work through before you re-enter the dating/sex pool."

Profound words.

[catfeeder]

I do get a feeling there is as he must be getting attention else where, is this the reason why they ghost and then come back?

 

Of course. Except nobody does this to people who respect themselves unless they're ghosting for keeps, because no self respecting person would have them back.

 

I'd rethink settling for the messy kid stuff of FWBs if you regard yourself at all as relationship material. Otherwise, the message you send is that you're casual enough to disregard whenever someone else is available. So why would he bother explaining himself if he knows you'll just settle for his return whenever he's inclined?

 

You're responsible for teaching people how to treat you. If you don't view yourself as good enough for accountability, then why would anyone else?

 

Head high, walk AWAY from mistreatment, and respect yourself enough to give 'casual' the boot.

[figureitout23]

Of course. Except nobody does this to people who respect themselves unless they're ghosting for keeps, because no self respecting person would have them back.

 

.

 

That's such a sweeping and false generalization cat, I really thought it was from one of the new people surprised it's from you. I agree with everything else you said but...

 

There is no one size fits all with ghosting.

 

If it happens after a first date or a couple of them, the person just has different dating etiquette and thinks it's ok to ignore rather than say not interested. Not necessarily someone else involved. If they come back then yeah most likely someone else.

 

If it happens with say a one night stand, I agree with you, they probably don't think they need to say anything. I feel that's incredibly wrong but I don't feel it's for certain there's someone else, if they come back it's because they want to screw again.

 

I've been ghosted twice and both were after a significant amount of time. The first one had an extreme avoidant personality, whether it was walking away from a car because he didn't want to pay for the repair bill or walking away from a house because he didn't want to bother with selling it. He was an avoidant through and through. No other woman involved.

 

The second a commitmentphobe, I spoke with him and figured out the reason but for the life of me I can't remember what it was exactly. It's been a year since it happened so I guess that's a good thing. We're friends now but it's just not the same, my respect is gone. Again, no other woman involved.

 

The poster, in my humble opinion, is trying to get us to agree that the reason he keeps disappearing and reappearing is because of another woman, which it may very well be, but that's treating the symptom not the disease, which is he has no respect for her boundaries because she keeps breaking them.

 

So she's trying to retroactively set a boundary of, "I'm not going to sleep with a man who is sleeping with other women" but again all of this is retroactive and unfortunately probably not true since the guy seems to be able to say a few pretty words and she falls right back into the line for scraps.

 

"As a side note, if you find yourself attracted to men who treat you like garbage, you have some serious baggage to work through before you re-enter the dating/sex pool."

Profound words.

 

^ this is the real issue.^

[Hollyj]

Certainly, there are other men you can have a FWB with!

[jellybean2018]

Its disrespectful.... I wouldn't put up with it. I'd find a man who respects you :)

[Sportster2005]

Can anyone tell me why people ghost then come back. I can't understand it. If you don't want to speak with someone isn't it easier/better to tell them rather than just suddenly stop replying to their texts?

 

 

They come back, because you let them. When I was dating I had some simple rules. Blocking people became one of my most useful and frequently used rules. I give everyone a fair shot, even give them a mulligan or two. But once they're gone, I'm done with them. I block all contact from them. People treat you the way you train them to.

 

Ghosting is a part of life dating life now. Why isn't important. What you do about it, is.

[Wiseman2]

"Ghosting" is when a dating situation/relationship isn't working for one person and they just disappear. You are in a hookup/no-strings situation, so there is no expectation of regular contact as there is in dating/relationships. If a dating/relationship situation that is exclusive is what you want, you need to be clear in actions and words on that.

he disappears for a week or two. he suggested friends.

[katrina1980]

OP I have a novel idea - why don't you ask him?

 

I was ghosted once, last year, he returned three months later wanting to see me and that's one of the first questions I asked him!

 

He explained it wasn't me (per se), and admitted he has issues with relationships and commitment (even though I had never even brought up relationships and commitment - we had only had 4 dates, no sex).

 

Anyway, I never dated him again but we still talk from time to time. He's taken steps to resolve his issues and last time I talked to him, he was dating someone new (as am I).

 

I don't understand how you could continue to spread your legs for a man, but not be comfortable enough to have a dialogue with him about his behavior.

 

Makes absolutely no sense to me, but whatever.