Consumed by guilt

[Starlight925]

Wait, I missed it.....you've left the house???

 

Why are you the one leaving?

 

Don't move into an apartment like this. Move into another bedroom until you sort this out.

[goddess]

I just wanted to get some more opinions, that's all. I'm meeting with the lawyer this week.

[goddess]

I just wanted to get some more opinions, that's all. I'm meeting with the lawyer this week.

 

No, I haven't left the house yet. For now, we are sleeping in different rooms. I would rather not stay in this house; it is huge. He did offer to move out but I said I wanted to. I am totally thrilled with the apartment that I found and really can't believe my luck. I fell in love with it. I want to get settled asap. Think it will do me good. I plan to move sometime in July and moving my stuff as soon as I get the key. Looking forward to it. It's in a very desirable neighborhood and apartment go quickly. This apartment suits me to perfection and I didn't want to lose it.

[Hollyj]

Have your kids moved out?

[goddess]

Why didn't he leave the house? You and your child should not have to leave your home. That's terrible.

 

Stop letting this jerk walk all over you!

 

Geez, he's not a monster. He did offer to move out but our house is huge and I told him that I's rather move out. He's being very civil and cooperative aboutl all this. We've both accepted that we need to divorce and we are amicable about it. My kids have their own apartments, BTW.

[goddess]

Yes, they're both adults.

[goddess]

Do not leave your house. Did this "friend" tell you to do that too? It sounds like he hates you. You haven't even spoken to an attorney, don't do foolish things. Do that first also see a therapist so an objective professional can define what's going on for you. You're not "moving on" you're playing with fire.

 

I assure you that he did not.

[Hollyj]

" he explained that, even though I pleased him nearly every night, I did what I thought he liked when I should have done what HE specifically requested."

 

Wow! That is some friend! I think that you need to address the type of men you associate with. This guy sounds as bad as your husband!!!

[Hollyj]

Geez, he's not a monster. He did offer to move out but our house is huge and I told him that I's rather move out. He's being very civil and cooperative aboutl all this. We've both accepted that we need to divorce and we are amicable about it. My kids have their own apartments, BTW.

 

I'm sorry, but you sound like you are brainwashed by this man. Please seek a therapist, this week!

[goddess]

" he explained that, even though I pleased him nearly every night, I did what I thought he liked when I should have done what HE specifically requested."

 

Wow! That is some friend! I think that you need to address the type of men you associate with. This guy sounds as bad as your husband!!!

 

He's not, I assure you. He was just explaining it from how my husband views it. He didn't take either side.

[goddess]

I'm sorry, but you sound like you are brainwashed by this man. Please seek a therapist, this week!

 

Probably, but it will be over soon.

[Hollyj]

He's not, I assure you. He was just explaining it from how my husband views it. He didn't take either side.

 

It does not matter how your husband sees things, if it is off.

 

If a friend were being hit by her husband, would I give the husband's view. No.

[DancingFool]

Please don't confide or discuss your sexual/marital issues with these so called friends. Leave that for a professional therapist and NOT someone you know, but someone who is neutral to you and your social circle, aka an outsider. People who know you are not able to be objective even when they want to be.

 

Please do not move out or do anything until you have had your consultation with the attorney. Know your rights and what to do and not do, THEN you can be as amicable as you want to be. Just be fully informed first.

 

On these boards, there is a such a variety of people from all walks of life and personal experiences. Consensus on any thread or topic is rare. You've got consensus from so many strangers who are looking at your situation objectively and telling you that your husband's behavior and attitudes are hands down wrong. They really are and there is no way around that, no justification. You tried your best, but he is messed up and always has been. Not your fault and you can't fix him or change him either. Not your fault, nothing that you can do about it.

[thealchemist]

I can totally understand his point of view.

 

If I hired a long term escort to satisfy me I would also expect her to do exactly what I dictated in the bedroom.

 

If she didn't I could also see myself firing her.

 

But wait...

 

You are his wife not his wh0re...

 

I think it is unfair to call him abnormal or critize what he wants. He is entitled to all that.

 

But you had no idea about his preferences until after you got married. So he was manipulating you from the start. You should disclose sexual preferences before marriage.

 

Now he thinks he owns you and he is going to discard you because you won't obey him.

 

Sex is just a part of a relationship. He also seems utterly uncompromising.

 

To us he just seems to be a selfish, disgusting, control freak who sees you as a prostitute and not a wife.

 

You cannot be so controlling and dismissive of your partner's feelings and not have that selfishness infect other aspects of your relationship.

 

I also am a guy that is more of an everyday sex type. But I cannot fathom how anyone can treat their partner so much like a hooker.

[lostandhurt]

You have three options:

 

1.Submit to all his sexual requests exactly what and when he wants them OR

 

2. End the marriage because you are miserable being ordered to service him anytime he choses or face threats of divorce.

 

3. Let him go somewhere else to get his freak on and come home to you.

 

We all know you are looking for any reason to stop the demise of your marriage but at what cost to you?

 

Lost

[goddess]

Please don't confide or discuss your sexual/marital issues with these so called friends. Leave that for a professional therapist and NOT someone you know, but someone who is neutral to you and your social circle, aka an outsider. People who know you are not able to be objective even when they want to be.

 

Please do not move out or do anything until you have had your consultation with the attorney. Know your rights and what to do and not do, THEN you can be as amicable as you want to be. Just be fully informed first.

 

On these boards, there is a such a variety of people from all walks of life and personal experiences. Consensus on any thread or topic is rare. You've got consensus from so many strangers who are looking at your situation objectively and telling you that your husband's behavior and attitudes are hands down wrong. They really are and there is no way around that, no justification. You tried your best, but he is messed up and always has been. Not your fault and you can't fix him or change him either. Not your fault, nothing that you can do about it.

 

You are so right. I'm not looking to be right. I just wanted to get different and objective points of view. On some level, I've always known that he is messed up and I felt terrible about that. Don't worry, I won't move out until I've consulted with my attorney. Thank you, once again, for your support. Very appreciated.

[goddess]

I can totally understand his point of view.

 

If I hired a long term escort to satisfy me I would also expect her to do exactly what I dictated in the bedroom.

 

If she didn't I could also see myself firing her.

 

But wait...

 

You are his wife not his wh0re...

 

I think it is unfair to call him abnormal or critize what he wants. He is entitled to all that.

 

But you had no idea about his preferences until after you got married. So he was manipulating you from the start. You should disclose sexual preferences before marriage.

 

Now he thinks he owns you and he is going to discard you because you won't obey him.

 

Sex is just a part of a relationship. He also seems utterly uncompromising.

 

To us he just seems to be a selfish, disgusting, control freak who sees you as a prostitute and not a wife.

 

You cannot be so controlling and dismissive of your partner's feelings and not have that selfishness infect other aspects of your relationship.

 

I also am a guy that is more of an everyday sex type. But I cannot fathom how anyone can treat their partner so much like a hooker.

 

No, please don't get me wrong. He, himself, said that he realizes that what he wants is abnormal. He likes what he likes, and I accept that. We all have different needs and likes and/or dislikes. It's just that I don't enjoy doing some of those things, and certainly not with that frequency. But, I tried and it was not good enough for him. Shame. Also, I feel a little silly - I am not 100% sure about whether he told me about his preferences before or shortly after marrying. I still would have gone through with it because I loved him (and still do) and I was willing to compromise to some degree. It hurts a lot knowing that is discarding me. Marriage is more than sex.

[goddess]

You have three options:

 

1.Submit to all his sexual requests exactly what and when he wants them OR

 

2. End the marriage because you are miserable being ordered to service him anytime he choses or face threats of divorce.

 

3. Let him go somewhere else to get his freak on and come home to you.

 

We all know you are looking for any reason to stop the demise of your marriage but at what cost to you?

 

Lost

 

Of course I would rather not end the marriage but I also have self-respect. Why should I stay when he so clearly has threatened me with divorce (3 times). That's no way to live. I've accepted the fact that we'll divorce. It's a done deal. I hope we can both get some peace.

[Wiseman2]

You were 35 and he was 24 when you got married? Are both kids from this man/marriage? Were you ever in a serious relationship/married before? Was he? Was he living at home? You were an experienced, independent adult when you met him. Try to reflect back on before you met him. Did your life make sense then?

we have been married for nearly 29 years.

[maew]

No, please don't get me wrong. He, himself, said that he realizes that what he wants is abnormal. He likes what he likes, and I accept that. We all have different needs and likes and/or dislikes. It's just that I don't enjoy doing some of those things, and certainly not with that frequency. But, I tried and it was not good enough for him. Shame. Also, I feel a little silly - I am not 100% sure about whether he told me about his preferences before or shortly after marrying. I still would have gone through with it because I loved him (and still do) and I was willing to compromise to some degree. It hurts a lot knowing that is discarding me. Marriage is more than sex.

 

It’s not abnormal for him to want the things he wants... lots of people like various forms of kink (including you it seems [emoji41])... it is however abhorrent that he treats you the way he does.

 

It’s not your fault that you are getting divorced. I think based on all the comments you intellectually realize this but he has been scapegoating you for so long you are stuck in a guilt spiral right now.

 

I mean good on you for trying... but at this point it’s clear he was looking for something more extreme and he won’t be happy until he is free to go after it.

[goddess]

You were 35 and he was 24 when you got married? Are both kids from this man/marriage? Were you ever in a serious relationship/married before? Was he? Was he living at home? You were an experienced, independent adult when you met him. Try to reflect back on before you met him. Did your life make sense then?

 

Actually, I was 37. My life made total sense then. I was a junior executive for a large brokerage firm and I put in long hours. I totally enjoyed it but, after working there for a number of years, I wanted to go to medical school (which had been a dream of mine). Met him, both fell in love. Both kids are from this marriage (I started late). Yes, I was in a serious relationship for a number of years before we met. He was not living at home; he was finishing school. I had my doubts because of his age but it didn't seem to bother him. So, I went with it.

[Wiseman2]

Ok try to reflect back to that time and that relationship and how twisted things seem now in comparison. You need to mentally reestablish your sanity and step out of his warped world.

Actually, I was 37. My life made total sense then. Yes, I was in a serious relationship for a number of years before we met.

[goddess]

Ok try to reflect back to that time and that relationship and how twisted things seem now in comparison. You need to mentally reestablish your sanity and step out of his warped world.

 

Actually, that prior relationship was WAY more twisted than this one. There were red flags everywhere but I chose to ignore them for years until I finally couldn't take it anymore. I've been known to be very patient and tolerant but perhaps I am quite stupid as well.

[DancingFool]

Actually, that prior relationship was WAY more twisted than this one. There were red flags everywhere but I chose to ignore them for years until I finally couldn't take it anymore. I've been known to be very patient and tolerant but perhaps I am quite stupid as well.

 

Oh no no no, you are definitely not stupid. You are simply too kind for your own good, too tolerant - it's both your strength and your weakness. Still, do remember that you had a good life, a family that you wanted, children you raised who turned out well - there is something there to speak for. Your children will always be yours. I know that divorce is scary, but perhaps, hold your head high and look at it as well earned respite. It's hard for you to believe, but your life won't end with the divorce. You'll still be you, except that you'll be free to relax and just be yourself and enjoy it and I can guarantee you that you'll still have plenty of people in your live who love you and appreciate your kindness. Even here, you come across as a wonderful person. That's why we are trying to help you and be there for you so hard. You deserve it and you better believe it. You will be better than OK, you will be happy again. Truly happy.

[goddess]

I did have a wonderful life and I've never taken it for granted. I've always been so grateful for everything I had. My children have been and will always be the center of my life. I cannot thank you enough for your kind words. I needed that, DancingFool. Thank you for all your support. I truly appreciate it. xx