Consumed by guilt

[reinventmyself]

If it makes you feel any better, I think we all feel some level of guilt or failure while staring at the face of a divorce.

It's a difficult situation and just be prepared for all sorts of intense emotions. But don't let those emotions trick you into not doing what's right.

Between that and the conditions in which you have endured is why we push you so much to seek out therapy.

 

I, for one am not here to give you a hard time when you came back to ask the same questions again.

You've lived this way for so long. Finding your way to the other side is a process that doesn't travel in a straight line.

Hang in there.

[goddess]

If it makes you feel any better, I think we all feel some level of guilt or failure while staring at the face of a divorce.

It's a difficult situation and just be prepared for all sorts of intense emotions. But don't let those emotions trick you into not doing what's right.

Between that and the conditions in which you have endured is why we push you so much to seek out therapy.

 

I, for one am not here to give you a hard time when you came back to ask the same questions again.

You've lived this way for so long. Finding your way to the other side is a process that doesn't travel in a straight line.

Hang in there.

 

I sincerely thank you for reaching out to me again. It means a lot to me at this difficult time. Unpleasant as it was, I still find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that he doesn't want me anymore. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a bad dream but I am getting better a little at a time. Again, many thanks. xx

[goddess]

I sincerely thank you for reaching out to me again. It means a lot to me at this difficult time. Unpleasant as it was, I still find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that he doesn't want me anymore. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a bad dream but I am getting better a little at a time. Again, many thanks. xx

 

Well, I didn't mean to write "unpleasant as it was". I, for one, thought we had such fun times together, shared so many of the same views (except the issues in the sexual arena). I still feel that it's a shame that he couldn't rise above that. Such is life.

[abitbroken]

Not yet. Like I said, I've gotten a lawyer and an apartment. It's been 3 weeks today. I know of a therapist but need to call him.

 

Personally, i think you are being a doormat for getting an apartment. You should have stayed IN your home until everything was settled and it was determined IF you should leave. I would have stayed in my home til the cow's come home and the divorce agreement determined if i should get the house or not. Honestly, it could have worked out that you got the home for your college kids to come home to so they had a permanent home base and your HUSBAND who wanted to leave you should have been the one to leave. By you leaving, you are hanging your head like a whimpering dog and trotting off into the corner instead of NO - he is the one that wants the divorce - so i should NOT be kicked out of my home

[goddess]

Personally, i think you are being a doormat for getting an apartment. You should have stayed IN your home until everything was settled and it was determined IF you should leave. I would have stayed in my home til the cow's come home and the divorce agreement determined if i should get the house or not. Honestly, it could have worked out that you got the home for your college kids to come home to so they had a permanent home base and your HUSBAND who wanted to leave you should have been the one to leave. By you leaving, you are hanging your head like a whimpering dog and trotting off into the corner instead of NO - he is the one that wants the divorce - so i should NOT be kicked out of my home

 

So, I know you mean well and I sincerely appreciate your support but, he did offer me the choice of staying (he didn't kick me out). I am the one who wanted to leave and get settled in my beautiful apartment. I was planning to move around October or so but I found this apartment by pure luck, and it's too beautiful to pass up. Of course, part of me is extremely sad but another part of me is looking forward to moving. Sort of closure, if you will. It's not that I expect to resurrect the marriage. It's done. What am I supposed to do? Sit here in this huge house and sulk? No. Not my style. I want to pick up the pieces asap. In any case, what on earth would I do in an over 3,000 foot house??? Plus, the inconvenience of people coming in to see the house (it's soon going to be on the market), etc. For all the issues that we had in the sexual arena, everything else was quite wonderful. We saw eye-to-eye in so many situations. Huge shame but I have to remain sane and start my new life. We are splitting the proceeds of the house once it's sold. Neither of us are being d**ks about it.

 

Our kids almost never come here. One lives 5 hours away and he comes up every 2 years or so, just for a week. The other child lives about 20 minutes from here and only comes for an afternoon a couple of times a week, mostly to work out in our gym. So, they'll be OK.

[DancingFool]

You know I ran into an absolutely lovely lady at an art function the other night that kind of made me think of you a little bit. She is in her 60's and fresh out of a divorce. When people started expressing their sympathies and feeling bad for her, she stopped them cold, "Darlings, I spent virtually my whole life living for my husband and my kids, looking after everyone else. I've earned my retirement. Don't be sorry, because I'm not sorry at all. I've got everything I've ever wanted out of life." She is absolutely full of life and hilarious and I can totally see that she will absolutely continue to get whatever she wants out of life. Her attitude and energy are really quite inspirational.

[reinventmyself]

Makes me think of my (ex) mother in law. When I first met my then husband, she might have been in her late 50s, early 60's. She was in a housecoat, slippers, he hair slicked back and somewhat un-kept. She raised 8 kids. You got the sense her world was very small and she was very selfless. Her husband was an alcoholic and when he passed away he left her with nothing more than a house in need of repairs.

 

It was an interesting transformation. Naturally after a couple years of grieving and readjustment, my ex MIL is now quite the fashionista and always smiling. I can't even compare the woman she was before to who she is now. She gets by on her social security and lives with her oldest daughter and they travel together. I would never say this to her and or anyone in the family for that matter, but I think his unexpected death was a very tragic event and good thing in so many ways as well.

 

Life is just funny that way.

[goddess]

You know I ran into an absolutely lovely lady at an art function the other night that kind of made me think of you a little bit. She is in her 60's and fresh out of a divorce. When people started expressing their sympathies and feeling bad for her, she stopped them cold, "Darlings, I spent virtually my whole life living for my husband and my kids, looking after everyone else. I've earned my retirement. Don't be sorry, because I'm not sorry at all. I've got everything I've ever wanted out of life." She is absolutely full of life and hilarious and I can totally see that she will absolutely continue to get whatever she wants out of life. Her attitude and energy are really quite inspirational.

 

How flattered I am that you thought of me. I do subscribe to her philosophy: I've definitely gotten everything I've ever wanted out of life. I had my kids later on in life and I am extraordinarily fortunate to have these loving and precious human beings. They have brought immeasurable joy to me. I hope that their lives will be as fulfilled as mine has been. This sweet lady has a wonderful attitude and I hope that, with time, I will get there as well. For now, I do have to grieve to some degree. My older son wasn't totally surprised upon hearing about the divorce (he is quite perceptive). We'll be telling our younger son when he comes up for a visit in July. I hope he takes it well. He's been through so much in is life that I hope he doesn't stress too much.

[goddess]

Makes me think of my (ex) mother in law. When I first met my then husband, she might have been in her late 50s, early 60's. She was in a housecoat, slippers, he hair slicked back and somewhat un-kept. She raised 8 kids. You got the sense her world was very small and she was very selfless. Her husband was an alcoholic and when he passed away he left her with nothing more than a house in need of repairs.

 

It was an interesting transformation. Naturally after a couple years of grieving and readjustment, my ex MIL is now quite the fashionista and always smiling. I can't even compare the woman she was before to who she is now. She gets by on her social security and lives with her oldest daughter and they travel together. I would never say this to her and or anyone in the family for that matter, but I think his unexpected death was a very tragic event and good thing in so many ways as well.

 

Life is just funny that way.

 

You know, I get the impression that I'll reach that point one day. No point sulking about something that I cannot change, right? Nice to hear that your ex-MIL is happy now.

[abitbroken]

So, I know you mean well and I sincerely appreciate your support but, he did offer me the choice of staying (he didn't kick me out). I am the one who wanted to leave and get settled in my beautiful apartment. I was planning to move around October or so but I found this apartment by pure luck, and it's too beautiful to pass up. Of course, part of me is extremely sad but another part of me is looking forward to moving. Sort of closure, if you will. It's not that I expect to resurrect the marriage. It's done. What am I supposed to do? Sit here in this huge house and sulk? No. Not my style. I want to pick up the pieces asap. In any case, what on earth would I do in an over 3,000 foot house??? Plus, the inconvenience of people coming in to see the house (it's soon going to be on the market), etc. For all the issues that we had in the sexual arena, everything else was quite wonderful. We saw eye-to-eye in so many situations. Huge shame but I have to remain sane and start my new life. We are splitting the proceeds of the house once it's sold. Neither of us are being d**ks about it.

 

Our kids almost never come here. One lives 5 hours away and he comes up every 2 years or so, just for a week. The other child lives about 20 minutes from here and only comes for an afternoon a couple of times a week, mostly to work out in our gym. So, they'll be OK.

 

have you seen a LAWYER before you left the house???Not his?? or did i miss the post where you hired one.

 

Do the kids know and what did you tell them?

[goddess]

have you seen a LAWYER before you left the house???Not his?? or did i miss the post where you hired one.

 

Do the kids know and what did you tell them?

 

As I mentioned above, he offered me the choice to stay or leave. I cannot imagine what I would do by myself in an over 3,000 square foot house. I much prefer leaving. I went to look for apartments just to get an idea of what's out there and I had to incredibly good fortune to find a gorgeous two-bedroom apartment. I feel in love immediately with it and I look forward to moving soon.

[arjumand]

I think you are really not getting the relevance of not leaving the house -- PLEASE talk to a lawyer before you move out -- it has to do with rights to property, desertion and a host of other issues. Staying for the time being does not mean you have to keep a large house forever. PLEASE TALK TO A LAWYER before you do anything else. Please!

[abitbroken]

As I mentioned above, he offered me the choice to stay or leave. I cannot imagine what I would do by myself in an over 3,000 square foot house. I much prefer leaving. I went to look for apartments just to get an idea of what's out there and I had to incredibly good fortune to find a gorgeous two-bedroom apartment. I feel in love immediately with it and I look forward to moving soon.

 

YOU NEED TO SEE A LAWYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we have told you time and time again --- do not go with his lawyer -- get your own. You refuse!! The point is not whether you want to live in 3k square feet or not, the point is he is steering you at every turn and you are just taking it on the chin. I can understand the house is too big long term, but at this point, the kids can come home and hear dad rag on mom (the one kid works out at the house) while mom is nowhere to be found. you could have stayed a little closer to when the house was to be sold and made HIM leave before you get your little apartment. A LAWYER will protect your interests long term. If you don't get a lawyer, he will spoon feed you whatever he thinks is fair -- and you will be the sore loser as far as it comes to retirement benefits, him being forced to keep you on his insurance until and unless you remarry. I know someone who had a good lawyer and the wife that was left high and dry when she was 64 years old when he married his mistress, but gt ALL of his life insurance policy and pension benefits and his wife of 6 years got bupkiss.

 

you are just going to say "my husband knows best" and take whatever he puts on paper for you and you will sign and then 4 years later or 7 years later you will realize what mistake you have made.