JustMizz Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 So, I've been trying to stay in NC with my ex. He still says he wants to talk and work things out but is too busy to even call me. Anyways, he has his kids for the first time, since we broke up, this weekend and just text and told me that they really miss me. This has crushed my heart because I miss them, too. Why did he text me that? Link to comment
DanZee Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 It sounds like a terrible thing to do. Was he abusive to you? Some guys continue abusing their girlfriends even after the relationship is over. Link to comment
JustMizz Posted June 1, 2018 Author Share Posted June 1, 2018 It sounds like a terrible thing to do. Was he abusive to you? Some guys continue abusing their girlfriends even after the relationship is over. No he wasn't. He treated me well, he just wasn't as committed as I thought he was. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 I think it's immature and manipulative. Link to comment
JustMizz Posted June 1, 2018 Author Share Posted June 1, 2018 I think it's immature and manipulative. It definitely sent me into an emotional tailspin. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 It definitely sent me into an emotional tailspin. Right. So now you might want to block contact with him if he would use his kids like this. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 Right. So now you might want to block contact with him if he would use his kids like this. Yeah thats pretty low. Of all the things he could have discussed with you he says that? Did you read my last response miz? Link to comment
JustMizz Posted June 1, 2018 Author Share Posted June 1, 2018 Yeah thats pretty low. Of all the things he could have discussed with you he says that? Did you read my last response miz? To my last post? Let me go look. And yeah. All he says about "us" is there are some things we need to figure out before we get back together but, like I said, he's "too busy" to find time for me. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 To my last post? Let me go look. And yeah. All he says about "us" is there are some things we need to figure out before we get back together but, like I said, he's "too busy" to find time for me. So he's holding all the cards even though he was caught on a dating website? Yes, please read my other response. Link to comment
JustMizz Posted June 1, 2018 Author Share Posted June 1, 2018 So he's holding all the cards even though he was caught on a dating website? Yes, please read my other response. I did and yes he is. I'm trying to let go but it's hard. I see my therapist Monday and I am going to have her help me stop wanting him. I know he's only toying with me. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 I did and yes he is. I'm trying to let go but it's hard. I see my therapist Monday and I am going to have her help me stop wanting him. I know he's only toying with me. Please do and keep us updated. ((hugs)) one day at a time. At the end of the day its your choice if you choose to continue with him, but please recognize your concerns were not addressed and it looks like he turned the tables and made things your fault, that classic beginnings of an unhealthy relationship. Link to comment
JustMizz Posted June 2, 2018 Author Share Posted June 2, 2018 Please do and keep us updated. ((hugs)) one day at a time. At the end of the day its your choice if you choose to continue with him, but please recognize your concerns were not addressed and it looks like he turned the tables and made things your fault, that classic beginnings of an unhealthy relationship. I do believe, and he hasnt said anything about it so it was of my own accord, that my insecurities and anxiety played a role in pushing him away. I'm not excusing what he did, at all, but it was the one thing we would argue about. I never accused him of cheating before this, but I would get frustrated at times and text as a reaction. We all know those anxiety fueled texts. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 I do believe, and he hasnt said anything about it so it was of my own accord, that my insecurities and anxiety played a role in pushing him away. I'm not excusing what he did, at all, but it was the one thing we would argue about. I never accused him of cheating before this, but I would get frustrated at times and text as a reaction. We all know those anxiety fueled texts. Yes, we do. What have you done to keep those urges in check? Is there a reason you are now taking the blame? Do you now believe the evidence you found was wrong? Link to comment
JustMizz Posted June 2, 2018 Author Share Posted June 2, 2018 Yes, we do. What have you done to keep those urges in check? Is there a reason you are now taking the blame? Do you now believe the evidence you found was wrong? The self hypnosis I am doing helps with my anxiety and I'm thinking about trying meditation. And no, I don't believe I was wrong about him being on the dating site. He's still on there and the times he is online fits in his schedule, so I know its him. I've just been doing some self-reflection and replaying the relationship in my mind. And I've been grasping for reasons as to why he decided to start looking for someone else. Hoping he just got cold feet and would realize he made a mistake, preparing myself to forgive him. Smh I guess just doubting myself because I truly never thought this would happen. Yes, he isn't perfect and our relationship wasnt perfect, but I didn't doubt he loved me until I saw his face on that dating site. But the way he's acting now, it's pretty obvious he doesn't care anymore. He normally doesn't initiate contact. He always replies, though, but like I said, it's been a week of him saying he wants to work things out but has been "too busy" to even make a call. He's just stringing me along until something else comes along. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 So why don't you want to block him? Is there something you're hoping he'll say? What could he say that would make you forgive and forget about him seeking out other women while you two were supposed to be in a relationship? Link to comment
JustMizz Posted June 2, 2018 Author Share Posted June 2, 2018 So why don't you want to block him? Is there something you're hoping he'll say? What could he say that would make you forgive and forget about him seeking out other women while you two were supposed to be in a relationship? That he got scared because we were talking about moving in together and he wasn't ready and that doubt made him doubt me. I'm coming around, though. I'm feeling stronger every day. It's not possible for me to just cut someone I love out of my life, even if I should. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 That he got scared because we were talking about moving in together and he wasn't ready and that doubt made him doubt me. I'm coming around, though. I'm feeling stronger every day. It's not possible for me to just cut someone I love out of my life, even if I should. So you'd be OK with the fact that his go-to when he's "scared" that a relationship is getting serious is to seek out other women? What if something really stressful happened? House purchase? A new baby? Work stress? Would he hop back on to the dating site? Why is it "not possible" to block him? It IS possible, you're choosing to hold onto hope. I'm glad to hear you are attending therapy, though. I feel therapy will help you to be strong and to make choices that are good for you. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 Don't respond. That's what i would do. And i do NOT think you belong moving in together. He has kids. Unless there is a ring and a date, i don't think you should be playing house in front of them Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 That he got scared because we were talking about moving in together and he wasn't ready and that doubt made him doubt me. I'm coming around, though. I'm feeling stronger every day. It's not possible for me to just cut someone I love out of my life, even if I should. No, it was his choice. He chose to react to feeling scared about moving in together by escalating it to doubting the whole relationship (if he's being honest - my sense is that you brought that about moving in together and he realized he wasn't sure about wanting to be with you long term. Nothing "made him" doubt you. He chose to react to his feelings by deciding that he wasn't serious enough about you to continue a long term relationship and instead of telling you that, turned to another woman. Just like nothing is 'making you" keep contact with him. You are choosing to react to your feelings by letting him contact you. Many of us get scared at times about relationships. I did. And sometimes do even now. And if we feel a solid foundation and commitment and a solid love for that person those scared/doubting feelings are fleeting or if not fleeting resolvable internally. If they have to do with something about the person or external that can be changed ,then they are resolvable with communication with the person. Of course it's possible for you to have loving feelings for someone and also not be in contact with them because you chose self-care and self-respect over giving that person access to you through texting, etc. You can text "thanks for your message. I care about you and your family and I care about me also. So please do not contact me again. I wish you and your family the best. Take care. " It is "possible". You just do it and you stop indulging in that "but it's because I love him/I can't help it." You can help it . Link to comment
bluecastle Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 Messages like these can be gutting, I know. My ex is a big fan of these ones, as well as sudden lash outs that come out of nowhere. Whether she's saying something positive ("Thinking of you") or immature (I won't bore you) the trigger is the same: that dose of pain, the tailspin. Or was, I should say. What you have to understand is that this is just his ego getting the best of him. He has genuine warm feelings for you and what you shared, but expressing those now is just not allowed because you're not in a relationship. In expressing them, his ego is looking for a reward. My therapist was really helpful about this. She just told me to take these things as a reward to my ego. After all, the subtext, at its most basic, is that you still occupy a place in his head and heart. There's not enough there to make things safe and sustainable, which sucks, but take the reward but don't respond. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 Interesting blue castle. I kinda like it! It can be even more of a boost to ignore, it gives you a bit of your power back. It's a temporary fix, very temporary, but if it helps one reach the next level of removing oneself from the relationship, why not? Link to comment
11moreweeks Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 Don't respond. That's what i would do. And i do NOT think you belong moving in together. He has kids. Unless there is a ring and a date, i don't think you should be playing house in front of them I agree that she should not respond. He's definitely not committed enough and being inconsiderate of her feelings. I greatly disagree with the idea that playing house in front of kids shouldn't happen until there's a ring and a date. Children should be the ultimate decider of who their step-parents or etc are going to be. Forcing a new parental figure on a child is going to lead to way more problems than involving the kids in the dating process. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 I agree that she should not respond. He's definitely not committed enough and being inconsiderate of her feelings. I greatly disagree with the idea that playing house in front of kids shouldn't happen until there's a ring and a date. Children should be the ultimate decider of who their step-parents or etc are going to be. Forcing a new parental figure on a child is going to lead to way more problems than involving the kids in the dating process. Yes but it's also incredibly reckless to confuse children by bringing them around every tom and harry. There's a definite balance. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 Yes but it's also incredibly reckless to confuse children by bringing them around every tom and harry. There's a definite balance. Yes- you wait until things are very serious and marriage/similar long term commitment is iminent. There's no real choice when the new person isn't committed to their parent -then they won't have the right dynamic/mindset/perspective and telling a child during the dating process that this could be permanent when it's not yet is really confusing. Link to comment
bluecastle Posted June 3, 2018 Share Posted June 3, 2018 Interesting blue castle. I kinda like it! It can be even more of a boost to ignore, it gives you a bit of your power back. It's a temporary fix, very temporary, but if it helps one reach the next level of removing oneself from the relationship, why not? Exactly. It's never good to be playing power games, but in the beginning, when we're weak, it can be help. At the end of the day, any reach out from an ex is always a power tip to the silent one. The undercurrent is the same: they are thinking about you. Probably what they say will hurt, because they're your ex. That's what my therapist kind of isolated for me. If my ex reaches out and says she hates me or if she misses me (she's done both) the subset is really the same: she's thinking about me, and the thoughts and feeling are overwhelming in silence. Link to comment
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