Is it acceptable for someone you are dating to buy items to leave at your house?

[thornz]

This topic caught my eye bc I made a whole bag of toiletries and brought it over to my bfs place, where I am almost daily even if just for a meal. It didn't occur to me that I was being rude till after he saw the bag of things gathered at mine, waiting to go to his. He has since made space for me on a shelf in his closet.

 

We've only been together a short while, but are long time friends. We accommodate each other and trust ourselves to make sure our needs are met.

 

The situations you describe would be easy to make work because we aren't threatened by any of the solutions. He wouldn't tolerate having my allergies irritated. I would hang out in the living room extra late to give him time with the dog. Something like that.

 

Its important to stay on the same side of an issue, the relationship side. As a team, remain united and resolve an issue.

 

Yes I believe it is polite to ask before making additions or alterations to someone else’s home environment but since you hadn’t asked and he hadn’t said no its just an oversight more than intentional rudeness.

 

I’m this instance I had already raised concerns that he was imposing on my environment with all the stuff he would bring over and leave cluttering my space and then he suggested bringing more things and then brings it anyway after I said no.

 

I’m glad that your partner values your health and makes allowances to accommodate, that’s what I would expect of a partner too.

 

To me there was a very simple solution to the issue, he could bring what he needed for a night or two and I wouldn’t feel my space was being unnecessarily encroached upon and a bit of soap wouldn’t seem such a big deal. Better yet put it in a nice pot like in my toilet so it doesn’t feel like something else I haven’t put away that I should have.

[thornz]

Yes, I did, and the squirty soap was in another room, was it not?

 

This seems small. I don’t think there’s anything to assert here. Soap, even some other items - no big deal. Compromise is not about always getting something in return. Sometimes you do something because it’s not a great inconvenience. If having one more squirty soap in your house is a big deal, then I would wonder if you’re ready for a relationship.

 

Like I said it’s not about soap. It’s about lack of respect for my environment and my mental health needs.

 

I expressed concerns to him that he was bringing a large amount of unnecessary stuff to my house that he would leave lying around and I felt it was undoing my hard work to declutter and maintain a clean environment.

 

He kept bringing all the stuff but asks to bring more, I say no but he brings it anyway. I didn’t see it as he wants soap, I saw it as he is disrespecting my personal space and deliberately went against my wishes. It WAS a great inconvenience to have all this extra stuff in my house when I was actively trying to reduce the amount of possessions I had to better manage my environment.

 

I appreciate for some having lots of bags and clothes lying around their house might not be a big deal but for me it makes a big difference to my mood.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm not trying to dismiss your concerns over this, but since it's about an "ex" why does this still ruffle your feathers...so to speak?

 

No offense, but a better choice may be to pick your battles. JMO...

[thornz]

To be honest, to me it's much ado about nothing. He can use whatever soap he likes, and I'll use whatever soap I like. I don't have the patience for such nitty picky petty dramas, but that's just me, lol.

 

Hi Capricorn, it wasn’t about soap, more about feeling like all this extra stuff he was bringing was undoing my hard work to have an environment that was best for my mental health and that he was deliberately going against the choices I made about what was best for me and my environment.

[thornz]

I'm not trying to dismiss your concerns over this, but since it's about an "ex" why does this still ruffle your feathers...so to speak?

 

No offense, but a better choice may be to pick your battles. JMO...

 

Hi HGO, I’m exploring my ability to recognise my own needs and express them, assert boundaries and respond appropriately when my needs are not met or if my boundaries are overstepped.

 

This is something I have long struggled with and in this relationship it was particularly bad. I’m wondering how I would approach the problems I experienced in that relationship in order to learn and grow from past mistakes.

[Batya33]

I think if you were particularly finicky about your environment and he knew they he shouldn’t have tried to push your buttons. When someone is at my house I want them to feel comfortable - that’s my default. So when we used to have a babysitter for date night I’d ask her what I could stock for her for example. And if I ever have a houseguest come I’d do the same.

[j.man]

Bar of soap on the counter is nasty AF.

[IAmFCA]

Bar of soap on the counter is nasty AF.

 

Yeah I get it. I grew up that way, it doesn't bug me. I only put out trial size bars that are gone quickly. I like liquid as long as it's not the antibacterial stuff.

[joyousone75]

Honestly, this made me laugh! I think this was made into a Huge issue. Probably something else you were really irritated about; surely it wasn’t about the soap!

[joyousone75]

On another note, bar soap at a sink weirds me out too! [emoji23]

[thornz]

I think if you were particularly finicky about your environment and he knew they he shouldn’t have tried to push your buttons. When someone is at my house I want them to feel comfortable - that’s my default. So when we used to have a babysitter for date night I’d ask her what I could stock for her for example. And if I ever have a houseguest come I’d do the same.

 

Hi Batya that’s generally my default too but where I draw the line is when my guests behave in such a manner as to make me feel uncomfortable in my own home or imposed upon.

 

I feel that it’s basic manners to treat someone else’s home with respect, leave it clean and tidy and not leave piles of stuff everywhere (unless they do too and don’t mind).

 

Whenever I have encountered similar problems with guests (which tbh isn’t often) I make a point of “oh here’s my coat rack I’ll hang that up for you” and they take the hint to not just come in my house and throw their massive motorbike coat and bag in the middle of my floor 😡

 

I have a friend who has an extremely disorganised and messy house and he will occasionally come over and treat my house like his and started to leave stuff lying around, leave items at mine and empty packets and bottles all over. I told him there’s the bin for your rubbish and don’t forget to take your things home as I like to keep my place neat and tidy. He got it. There was no big deal.

 

I think if I invited someone over now and they didn’t get it on multiple occasions I’d just stop inviting them over. By the same token if I was dating someone and they left stuff lying around and imposed upon me I would just see it as an incompatibility and move on.

[thornz]

Honestly, this made me laugh! I think this was made into a Huge issue. Probably something else you were really irritated about; surely it wasn’t about the soap!

 

Absolutely! It was about what I felt was a general disrespect of myself, my environment and disregard for my wellbeing. It was a theme that continued and the relationship became very abusive and ultimately violent.

[mustlovedogs]

Absolutely! It was about what I felt was a general disrespect of myself, my environment and disregard for my wellbeing. It was a theme that continued and the relationship became very abusive and ultimately violent.

 

Then why this thread?

 

You keep trying to defend the issue as “it’s not about the soap”... clearly, it was at least a little bit about the soap. This is the first mention of it being abusive and violent. That tells me the soap was a bigger issue than the violence.

 

And if it was so bad, I don’t get why this thread anyway?

[IAmFCA]

I woke up thinking about this exbf. His behavior was totally inappropriate because of the few times and rarity of his visits. It made me wonder if he was keeping you a secret from other aspects of his life and wanted to be able to travel to you without having to pack, like maybe someone would see him pack and ask questions.

 

The what and how etc all was manageable. The act of leaving things at all was awkward. I might have said something to discourage him from doing that, or at least I would have put his things away in a lower cabinet, out of my way.

 

Likely I would have said, "I dont think that's a good idea, given that we've only visited over two weekends (if I remember that right)."

[thornz]

Then why this thread?

 

You keep trying to defend the issue as “it’s not about the soap”... clearly, it was at least a little bit about the soap. This is the first mention of it being abusive and violent. That tells me the soap was a bigger issue than the violence.

 

And if it was so bad, I don’t get why this thread anyway?

 

I have mentioned the abuse and violence multiple times in this thread. I have also laid out my reasoning for this thread multiple times including in a direct response to you, so . . .

[thornz]

I woke up thinking about this exbf. His behavior was totally inappropriate because of the few times and rarity of his visits. It made me wonder if he was keeping you a secret from other aspects of his life and wanted to be able to travel to you without having to pack, like maybe someone would see him pack and ask questions.

 

The what and how etc all was manageable. The act of leaving things at all was awkward. I might have said something to discourage him from doing that, or at least I would have put his things away in a lower cabinet, out of my way.

 

Likely I would have said, "I dont think that's a good idea, given that we've only visited over two weekends (if I remember that right)."

 

Hi, I was often asked if he was hiding a family due to his unwillingness to invite me to his home and the fact he would only visit me once a week at best but usually closer to every 3 weeks. I always trusted him but turns out he had a very big closet full of many skeletons (not wife or kids or bf for that matter lol).

 

The guy had some real issues and was extremely controlling. If I had spoken to him now we wouldn’t have even got to the first date as there were red flags flying all over the place.

 

I told him I didn’t want him to bring things in the first place then he does it anyway. I told him to take them home and he refused.

 

I have been looking into interpersonal effectiveness techniques to help me learn better to communicate and assert my needs. I’ve always allowed partners to walk all over me but I am trying to figure my way around that.

[Starlight925]

 

The guy had some real issues and was extremely controlling. If I had spoken to him now we wouldn’t have even got to the first date as there were red flags flying all over the place.

 

I told him I didn’t want him to bring things in the first place then he does it anyway. I told him to take them home and he refused.

 

I have been looking into interpersonal effectiveness techniques to help me learn better to communicate and assert my needs. I’ve always allowed partners to walk all over me but I am trying to figure my way around that.

 

^^^ Controlling.

 

That's what I got from your initial post, the first time I read it.

 

This wasn't about bar soap vs. squirty soap. This was about him exerting control.

 

This was also about him asking for something in your personal space, and you calmly saying no, that's not ok, and him pushing for control over it.

 

This could have been soap, or any number of things.

 

As you said here, these days, you'd recognize the red flags, and not even gotten to soap. I get it, I look back at all the red flags in my prior relationship, and say to myself, WTH was I thinking?

 

I get your question here: You're just trying to understand things, from a prior relationship, and asking what people think about this issue going forward. Going forward, the next guy you date, if he asks you for something (anything, actually), and you decline, and he persists, well, there's your flag.

[IAmFCA]

The lesson here is about boundaries. At first sign of someone disregarding yours, assert them by enhancing them with physical distance, less detailed conversation, and less contact.

[thornz]

^^^ Controlling.

 

That's what I got from your initial post, the first time I read it.

 

This wasn't about bar soap vs. squirty soap. This was about him exerting control.

 

This was also about him asking for something in your personal space, and you calmly saying no, that's not ok, and him pushing for control over it.

 

This could have been soap, or any number of things.

 

As you said here, these days, you'd recognize the red flags, and not even gotten to soap. I get it, I look back at all the red flags in my prior relationship, and say to myself, WTH was I thinking?

 

I get your question here: You're just trying to understand things, from a prior relationship, and asking what people think about this issue going forward. Going forward, the next guy you date, if he asks you for something (anything, actually), and you decline, and he persists, well, there's your flag.

 

Hi, thanks I’m glad you understand what I’m trying to achieve with this post. I could have put any number of scenarios that occurred between us that had a similar theme, it just so happened the soap was the one that I’d been thinking of.

 

I think with this guy whenever I would try and exert a boundary for myself, that he didn’t want to accept, he would escalate it to an argument and then threaten to split up with me, which then put him back in control as I had abandonment issues and would fold at that point.

 

The relationship following this one had a similar theme, although it was a lot more subtle. We would have occasional arguments where he would say it’s best if we break up or he doesn’t see the point continuing because I was upset that he had overstepped my boundaries or that I was giving and compromising a lot in the relationship and he was not.

 

I’m working on it best I can as it’s a recurring theme starting in childhood. Old habits die hard lol

[thornz]

The lesson here is about boundaries. At first sign of someone disregarding yours, assert them by enhancing them with physical distance, less detailed conversation, and less contact.

 

Thanks, so in this scenario or similar scenarios where I have expressed a boundary and someone has ignored it, do I ask them to leave? What should I have done?

 

I would easily get upset in this scenario because until recently I didn’t realise that hey, now you’re an adult, not a victim of other people’s behaviour towards you, you can do something to stop it. I think this revelation is helping me to stay more calm in these situations.

[IAmFCA]

Thanks, so in this scenario or similar scenarios where I have expressed a boundary and someone has ignored it, do I ask them to leave? What should I have done?

 

I would easily get upset in this scenario because until recently I didn’t realise that hey, now you’re an adult, not a victim of other people’s behaviour towards you, you can do something to stop it. I think this revelation is helping me to stay more calm in these situations.

This is a great question, because you have just given yourself a practical example of why boundaries are so important. None of the suggestions you cited feel comfortable.

 

Once someone is in your house, it is difficult to ask them to leave. Before you let someone in, know them enough to know they will respect your boundaries. If you don't know that,maybe then let your home be your boundary.

[IAmFCA]

An added thought --

 

The title gives a clues to your path.

 

Yes it's okay for someone you are dating to buy things to leave at your house... IF it makes sense on a practical level, is an exclusive relationship with long term potential, and most importantly, IS OK WITH YOU. When I bought stuff to keep at his I alr already had keys; I still asked (okay I asked after he saw the bag of extra deodorant etc -- I was waiting until it felt right).

 

Your title places the emphasis on the wrong action. It was not okay with you. Therefore, it was not okay. Period.You are the master of your domain.

[thornz]

An added thought --

 

The title gives a clues to your path.

 

Yes it's okay for someone you are dating to buy things to leave at your house... IF it makes sense on a practical level, is an exclusive relationship with long term potential, and most importantly, IS OK WITH YOU. When I bought stuff to keep at his I alr already had keys; I still asked (okay I asked after he saw the bag of extra deodorant etc -- I was waiting until it felt right).

 

Your title places the emphasis on the wrong action. It was not okay with you. Therefore, it was not okay. Period.You are the master of your domain.

 

Thanks so much. Let your home be your boundary is great advice! I think I find it hard to ascertain when someone is respectful of my boundaries and also sometimes miss cues from others about their boundaries. I can work on this.