Facebook Behavior

[DancingFool]

Well, the added information kind of changes things. Just adding someone on FB is pretty meaningless. However, when you mention that he is also suddenly driving way out of his way to go to a different gym, leaves work early, plans to drastically change his habits and get up in the am to hit the gym, etc. then I think you do actually have something to worry about.

 

That said, so what can you do about it? Dump him now? Wait until he dumps you for her? Wait until he cheats? She has already confronted him about this chic and he feigned total ignorance. What does your friend want to do now?

[j.man]

If Facebook ruins your relationship, you had a ****ty relationship.

 

I honestly don't think the new information changes much. I've gone further out of my way distance-wise to work out at a better gym. Truly, not all gyms are created equal, and it makes all the difference in the world if one gym has one squat rack and another has two. I've got a Planet Fitness literally a 30 second walk from my apartment door, but you wouldn't catch me in there again if I had a gunshot wound and needed someone to call 911.

 

Different gyms also have different peak hours for different demographics. I'm *not* a morning person, but if 7:00am is dominated by women getting their morning cardio in and it's the only time it's free rein for deadlifts or squats, it sucks, but that's my new workout time. The biggest reason I invested in a home gym was precisely because I was tired of changing up my schedule and location just so I could be reasonably certain of being able to fit in my routine without competing over every bench or rack, and I finally got the space to do so.

[katrina1980]

If Facebook ruins your relationship, you had a ****ty relationship.

 

True! Lots of people are having shytty relationships, which is unfortunate.

[katrina1980]

j.man, true, the changing gyms, on its own, would not be an issue.

 

But combined with every else happening simultaneously, it does sound a bit suspicious.

 

That said, confronting and accusing is not the answer.

 

As I said, and just my opinion of course, but I suspect there are other issues plaguing their relationship and they need to discuss everything (not just this issue, that's just a symptom of a larger issue), and together decide what to do.

 

Sounds like this relationship has run its course, clearly mutual trust is sorely lacking, time to call it a day and move on.

[mandeelove]

Well, the added information kind of changes things. Just adding someone on FB is pretty meaningless. However, when you mention that he is also suddenly driving way out of his way to go to a different gym, leaves work early, plans to drastically change his habits and get up in the am to hit the gym, etc. then I think you do actually have something to worry about.

 

That said, so what can you do about it? Dump him now? Wait until he dumps you for her? Wait until he cheats? She has already confronted him about this chic and he feigned total ignorance. What does your friend want to do now?

Well she was hoping to have a decent convo about it but ever since she brought it up he has called her a psycho and won't speak to her. His reaction was very off. If it were innocent, he shouldnt have taken it this far ignoring her for days. Thats just my opinion.

[katrina1980]

Just me but if my boyfriend ever called me "psycho" or any other derogatory name, I'd be done.

 

No matter what I've done, nothing justifies that.

 

Not to mention his reaction suggests he is guilty of *something* - yeah I'd be done.

[mandeelove]

If Facebook ruins your relationship, you had a ****ty relationship.

 

I honestly don't think the new information changes much. I've gone further out of my way distance-wise to work out at a better gym. Truly, not all gyms are created equal, and it makes all the difference in the world if one gym has one squat rack and another has two. I've got a Planet Fitness literally a 30 second walk from my apartment door, but you wouldn't catch me in there again if I had a gunshot wound and needed someone to call 911.

 

Different gyms also have different peak hours for different demographics. I'm *not* a morning person, but if 7:00am is dominated by women getting their morning cardio in and it's the only time it's free rein for deadlifts or squats, it sucks, but that's my new workout time. The biggest reason I invested in a home gym was precisely because I was tired of changing up my schedule and location just so I could be reasonably certain of being able to fit in my routine without competing over every bench or rack, and I finally got the space to do so.

I totally agree with everything you said about the gyms. Some gyms just dont cut it and I'd drive further for a better gym as well. I'd also switch up my time if I found out there were less people at a certain time.

 

In this situation my friend has been with her guy for years and years. She knows him well and his habits. Switching the gym was harmless. But when he started adding this gym girl to fb and switching the workout times when she so happened to be there, it was a little red flag. It wasnt a childhood friend or something. Its a random girl who is 16 years younger than him I might add.

[mandeelove]

j.man, true, the changing gyms, on its own, would not be an issue.

 

But combined with every else happening simultaneously, it does sound a bit suspicious.

 

That said, confronting and accusing is not the answer.

 

As I said, and just my opinion of course, but I suspect there are other issues plaguing their relationship and they need to discuss everything (not just this issue, that's just a symptom of a larger issue), and together decide what to do.

 

Sounds like this relationship has run its course, clearly mutual trust is sorely lacking, time to call it a day and move on.

My friend did confront him and was quite calm about it. He actually blew up and all that made it worse. She thought it would be a simple convo and relationships are all about transparency. He threw a fit and now has ignored her for days. Red flag

[mandeelove]

Just me but if my boyfriend ever called me "psycho" or any other derogatory name, I'd be done.

 

No matter what I've done, nothing justifies that.

 

Not to mention his reaction suggests he is guilty of *something* - yeah I'd be done.

Yes and I also took into consideration that maaaaybe he was just offended how she came at him doubting his motives ,but even that wouldnt amount to ignoring her for days over it.

[katrina1980]

Yes and I also took into consideration that maaaaybe he was just offended how she came at him doubting his motives ,but even that wouldnt amount to ignoring her for days over it.

 

Well you said she confronted (asked?) him about it calmly, right?

 

If you can't even ask your boyfriend about a new friend he's added on FB without him blowing it up to WW3, calling you derogatory names, and then ignoring you for days, something is seriously seriously! wrong.

[j.man]

No one here, including yourself, has any idea how the conversation went down. One of the biggest issues here is we not only have a one-sided account, but that account is second-hand. If your friend's the type to piece together some 7:00am, sweating gym romance, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to take it on faith that a third-party anecdote accurately represents much at all in terms of her having innocently broached the topic. In the grand scheme of things, falsely or without substantiation accusing your partner of acting unfaithfully is every bit as emotionally distressing as said partner pushing back with something like "psycho" (assuming it in fact happened). There is no "right" in that situation.

 

Switching workout times is almost intrinsic to switching gyms. You and your friend seem to think the coincidence lies with him switching workout locations and times for her rather than having met her after having already switched times to accommodate himself and his regimen. It honestly takes a suspicious mind or a dramatic predisposition to assume the former rather than the far, far, far more logical latter, thinking he's going as far as to wake up at the ass crack of dawn and drive further out just to have the benefit of having a pretty lady to talk to at the gym before work. Assuming the guy's not an awkward 40-year old virgin and this isn't a movie starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, that's simply not how people operate.

 

Bottom line is if she doesn't trust him, she should dump him. She's free to engage in as much mental gymnastics as she'd like to if she wants to justify making that decision.

[DancingFool]

Well....we don't really know how calm or confrontational it really was. Regardless, calling her a psycho and then giving her the silent treatment is not an acceptable response to conflict. I'm going to guess that this isn't the first time either that he has acted out like that. Why does she put up with this?

 

I have to agree with Katrina, forget the girl, there are bigger issues in their relationship and if the guy called me a psycho, he'd be sitting on the curb permanently. There are some things you just don't do or say to your SO even in the heat of an argument. Plenty of other men out there who are simply...better.

[mandeelove]

Well you said she confronted (asked?) him about it calmly, right?

 

If you can't even ask your boyfriend about a new friend he's added on FB without him blowing it up to WW3, calling you derogatory names, and then ignoring you for days, something is seriously seriously! wrong.

Exactly! The communication on his end is very wrong. Plus he should have my friend's back and not make her feel wrong for discussing her feelings about something. (Especially if he's innocent)

[mandeelove]

Well....we don't really know how calm or confrontational it really was. Regardless, calling her a psycho and then giving her the silent treatment is not an acceptable response to conflict. I'm going to guess that this isn't the first time either that he has acted out like that. Why does she put up with this?

 

I have to agree with Katrina, forget the girl, there are bigger issues in their relationship and if the guy called me a psycho, he'd be sitting on the curb permanently. There are some things you just don't do or say to your SO even in the heat of an argument. Plenty of other men out there who are simply...better.

True there are bigger issues. Innocent or not, he should not run away like that, make her feel shamed for speaking up. If you cant discuss things that bother you in a relationship that is a recipe for disaster. Sounds like a manipulation tactic and Ive been down that road with experirnces, so I hope she makes the right decisions for herself.

[figureitout23]

I have best friends I've known since I've been in diapers. Some married some dating some single. I don't know half as much as you seem to know about this girls relationship and her boyfriends FB activity.

 

A woman trying to 'rein in' her ex boyfriend who has been nothing but untrustworthy and needs to be dumped? Yeah that woman would know all the nitty gritty details because she's the one obsessing but the friend?

 

Those random details would go in one ear and out the other because as her friend Im going to be blindly loyal to her and truthful.

 

First off of you're dealing with your own ex boyfriend and Facebook issues you're probably not the first person I'd go to for advice. Just being honest.

 

Second as a friend the advice is simple. Just like we're giving you advice to give to 'her' we are completely removed from the situation so we can give our opinions objectively. You should also be completely removed from the situation and should as her friend tell her she needs to stop obsessing over obscure issues and if there's no trust in the relationship it's time to end it and that you will be there for her.

 

That's what I'd say to my friend. Or like wise said I'd tell her since she's got so much time to snoop and analyze his Facebook she can make her own account to ask these questions and get her own individual answers.

 

you're trying to heal from your own relationship, you're in no position to get yourself in the middle of their drama.

[mandeelove]

I have best friends I've known since I've been in diapers. Some married some dating some single. I don't know half as much as you seem to know about this girls relationship and her boyfriends FB activity.

 

A woman trying to 'rein in' her ex boyfriend who has been nothing but untrustworthy and needs to be dumped? Yeah that woman would know all the nitty gritty details because she's the one obsessing but the friend?

 

Those random details would go in one ear and out the other because as her friend Im going to be blindly loyal to her and truthful.

 

First off of you're dealing with your own ex boyfriend and Facebook issues you're probably not the first person I'd go to for advice. Just being honest.

 

Second as a friend the advice is simple. Just like we're giving you advice to give to 'her' we are completely removed from the situation so we can give our opinions objectively. You should also be completely removed from the situation and should as her friend tell her she needs to stop obsessing over obscure issues and if there's no trust in the relationship it's time to end it and that you will be there for her.

 

That's what I'd say to my friend. Or like wise said I'd tell her since she's got so much time to snoop and analyze his Facebook she can make her own account to ask these questions and get her own individual answers.

 

you're trying to heal from your own relationship, you're in no position to get yourself in the middle of their drama.

I understand what you are saying but she asked me to post here. She didnt want to create a full on account .We are very close she tells me alot. Im not obsessing. Just posting as she told me sitting next to me.

 

I give her advice. I dont just agree with her. If shes wrong I tell her. And although Ive had my own dating problems, it doesnt make me less reliable for advice. If anything Im more aware and realistic of things due to my experience. But I also know when to tell someone they are making something out of nothing which I do several times with her or anyone.

[j.man]

But I also know when to tell someone they are making something out of nothing which I do several times with her or anyone.

So your friend has a history of insecurity.

[mandeelove]

So your friend has a history of insecurity.

Yes and trust issues.

[figureitout23]

I understand what you are saying but she asked me to post here. She didnt want to create a full on account .We are very close she tells me alot. Im not obsessing. Just posting as she told me sitting next to me.

 

I give her advice. I dont just agree with her. If shes wrong I tell her. And although I've had my own dating problems, it doesn't make me less reliable for advice. If anything Im more aware and realistic of things due to my experience. But I also know when to tell someone they are making something out of nothing which I do several times with her or anyone.

 

But you dont think shes making something out of nothing...your responses strongly indicate you and her have the same line of thinking.You both dont believe what he is saying is adding up.

 

Look, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what others think. Tell your friend she doesn't need other people to calm her anxiety. These questions "Why is he doing this, why is he doing that'?

 

because he is who he is.

 

There is no answer that will make her feel better. there isnt, she either trusts him or she doesn't. You of all people should know that. If you feel you have the tools to help her then help her.

[mandeelove]

But you dont think shes making something out of nothing...your responses strongly indicate you and her have the same line of thinking.You both dont believe what he is saying is adding up.

 

Look, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what others think. Tell your friend she doesn't need other people to calm her anxiety. These questions "Why is he doing this, why is he doing that'?

 

because he is who he is.

 

There is no answer that will make her feel better. there isnt, she either trusts him or she doesn't. You of all people should know that. If you feel you have the tools to help her then help her.

I dont think it adds up because it doesnt. She knows his routine well because he is a creature of habit and hates change. He loves everything to be the same and never gets bored of it.

 

 

Suddenly changing his location , schedule, Behaviors ,all around this girl is very suspicious. Im sorry but anyone could see that. The fact he refuses to show his phone and is giving her silent treatment if she communicates her feelings about it, is not right period .

 

And I dont know if this matters but my friend is very thin and not athletic. The other girl is athletic, she is entering a body building competition. Well he constantly tells my friend she must work out. She must get muscles etc. She is too thin. He put her down lately so....red flag.

 

I only agree with people if theres reason to, not out of my own bad history. If he had added this girl to fb but no behaviors changed, I would of said shes just going crazy. But there was added information which tells me its not just an insecurity. She tells me he adds girls everyday to fb. She never thought anything of it but this one was different.

[j.man]

Why should he let her look through his phone?

[Wiseman2]

If she's really your friend, tell her forget about fb, snooping through his phone, etc and tell her she's in an bad relationship. Tell the friend to start reading up on verbal abuse and controlling relationships and to stop focusing on the social media nonsense. Tell her you are concerned about her instead of feeding her insecurities about his flirting, whatever and to open her own account on a verbal abuse forum and get focused support on the real problem.

he constantly tells my friend she must work out. She must get muscles etc. She is too thin. He put her down lately so....red flag.

[figureitout23]

If she's really your friend, tell her forget about fb, snooping through his phone, etc and tell her she's in an bad relationship. Tell the friend to start reading up on verbal abuse and controlling relationships and to stop focusing on the social media nonsense. Tell her you are concerned about her instead of feeding her insecurities about his flirting, whatever and to open her own account on a verbal abuse forum and get focused support on the real problem.

 

Excellent point.

 

Be a good friend to her and tell her the truth as you see it.

 

This reminds me of a Facebook meme I saw, I may have mentioned it before, it was a woman struggling to hold onto the leashes of 3 huge pitbulls, she obviously was failing, the caption said 'what women look like trying to stop their man from cheating.' It's so funny because it's so true.

 

The definition of a waste of time is an individual trying to stop their significant other from cheating. The trust is either there or it isn't. a partner either acts trustworthy or they don't. I mean no disrespect to any man or woman checking up on phones or Facebook friend requests, but my God, in what world does that seem logical that it would actually work. How little respect do you have for your partner as your partner that they would think " well I was going to cheat but she checked my phone so I guess I'll be faithful now." or " she's keeping a close eye on the people I add on Facebook so I deffinetely won't meet up with that girl and have sex with her" it's so lacking in logic to me that I almost have to believe the snooping and controlling is more about them than their partners actual cheating. Let's be honest as well, most of the time they don't leave, they find the evidence the person cheated they get mad and then after a while everything's back to normal. It's typically the person that stumbles upon the evidence that they're being cheated on or has the indiscretion confessed about that walk away, not the ones who make it their job to know their partners every move. 9 times out of 10 they stay. So what the hell was the point? Bravo to you for leaving.

 

If a person is going to cheat, they are going to cheat.

[MissCanuck]

Why is your friend even still with this guy? You say he has lied before, he tells her to change her physique, they've sunk to the point where she's demanding to look through this phone...this is dead in the water.

[boltnrun]

I hope you advised your friend that when things get to the point of feeling like she "needs" to invade his privacy in order to spy on him because she doesn't trust him...the relationship is over.

 

Yeah, some people conduct their relationships that way, but those are unhealthy relationships doomed to fail.