ex left me for someone else?

[DancingFool]

You are never going to forget people who were a part of your life. Moving on means that with time you no longer wish they were still a part of your life and arrive at that point where you are simply happy without them. Since the break up is recent and the hurt and betrayal are huge - it's normal that you are struggling with all those conflicting emotions. I promise you though that you will keep feeling better and better as you go along. Yes, remember that you were fine and strong and whole and independent without him. You still ARE. People come into our lives and leave our lives, we remain.

 

If you miss the friendship, go make new friends. If you miss the adventures - go on them yourself and show yourself that you CAN have fun without him just fine. The more you do that, the easier it will get. It's like cutting old strings and attaching them to new things in life - people, experiences, adventures, etc. As you keep doing that, you will wake up one day and realize that you no longer care and it will feel good.

[DancingFool]

As for dating, relationships and him being young - never invest yourself in potential, accept people for who they are at face value right here and now. He showed you that he has no character. It's not something he is going to grow out of or grow into. Even a child knows cheating is wrong. It's a pretty fundamental personality flaw to go out and cheat and has to do with deep selfishness and feelings of entitlement where people are just pawns in his life, things he uses.

[marlowe1996]

You’re right. I’ve just seen many people actually change throughout my life, a lot are still my friends to this day. Whether it be maturing or a significant life event that snaps them into a new belief system. But you’re right i shouldn’t invest myself in potential. I should focus on myself and being in control of my own happiness. I shouldn’t let him be at the forefront of my mind.

[reinventmyself]

You’re right. I’ve just seen many people actually change throughout my life, a lot are still my friends to this day. Whether it be maturing or a significant life event that snaps them into a new belief system. But you’re right i shouldn’t invest myself in potential. I should focus on myself and being in control of my own happiness. I shouldn’t let him be at the forefront of my mind.

 

I am confused by your wording.

Unless you aren't being honest with yourself.

You stated you would never go back to him.

Yet you are invested in him changing and betting on potential and hoping for a sincere apology.

[marlowe1996]

I wouldn’t go back to him in a romantic way* As for friendship i can’t decide.

[JaggerJim]

I wouldn’t go back to him in a romantic way* As for friendship i can’t decide.

 

I think you are deluding yourself with that statement. Forgiveness is when you forgive someone, so you don't walk around feeling scorned by him, and feeling hatred towards him, so you can move on with life.

 

Not forgiving him so you can "maybe" become friends later. Come on now.

[marlowe1996]

I would like to forgive him i don’t think i could be friends with him if i didnt. I just don’t want to block him and erase any possibility of him being in my life again or even just having a civil ending. Frankly there’s so many emotions involved in things like this i know i have difficulty thinking objectively. But not everything is black and white. I don’t know i’m obviously confused right now.

[Lambert]

I think you have handled this situation very well. Stay that course.

 

I feel like many on this forum, no names given ( to protect the innocent☺ ) just post on every thread:

 

move on!

let it go!

block! block! block!

 

all great advice, mind you. however much easier said than done.

 

It takes time and it is not achieved over night. AND GOD BLESS THE HEARTS OF THOSE SAYING STOP LETTING HIM CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS. they probably have not felt the tremendous love for another and have been fortunate to not be tortured by their own thoughts when that love is lost.

 

I believe in forgiveness, too. Not for the transgressor but for the victim. Its the gift you give yourself... no regrets, no anger, a clear conscious. However, it still takes time to heal and truly move on.

 

He is contacting you because he is selfish. He wants attention. Cheaters are the worst people... they only truly care for themselves. and they use others to boost their insatiable ego.

 

he doesn't care about forgiveness. its right up there with any attention good or bad is still attention.

 

you'll move on when you're ready. he will keep reaching out those. so you may end up blocking him just cause when you have moved on, he and his antics will be boring to you.

 

keep that pretty chin up! you are the winner in this situation!

[marlowe1996]

Thank you for being so kind to me! I really needed that :) I should work on forgiving him completely partly so i can stop thinking about it so much. I’ve been so good with no contact but for some reason recently i’ve been wishing more to respond. Curiosity partly is killing me. But i know i shouldn’t and i won’t! i’ll focus on myself instead.

[DancingFool]

I would like to forgive him i don’t think i could be friends with him if i didnt. I just don’t want to block him and erase any possibility of him being in my life again or even just having a civil ending. Frankly there’s so many emotions involved in things like this i know i have difficulty thinking objectively. But not everything is black and white. I don’t know i’m obviously confused right now.

 

He is not worthy and you are worth so much more and I really believe that deep down you absolutely know this. It's why you've been able to go NC, why you've handled things well, why you wouldn't take him back. Maybe every so often, when you feel down, lonely, confused - remind yourself of this.

 

You didn't lose a great guy - you lost a lying cheater. On the other hand he lost a great woman and ended up with some chic who helped him cheat - water seeks it's own level. His level hovers right at pond scum.

[SherrySher]

He most likely has two things going on. First, he most likely does miss you on some level. But don't be fooled by that, he still cheated and left you for someone else.

I have no doubt he still wants to know if you're okay, but it's not great on your end seeing as he left you.

You don't need to reply, it's up to you whether you can handle being a friend of his now or not. But it most likely won't ever be anything more.

 

Secondly, yes, he does feel guilt as well. He knows he hurt you and he feels bad, even though you forgave him. Again, only you can decide if you want to talk to him or not.

 

If you can handle being a friend of his, reply, but if you are hoping for more and still need to heal, keep no contact.

[Lambert]

Thank you for being so kind to me! I really needed that :) I should work on forgiving him completely partly so i can stop thinking about it so much. I’ve been so good with no contact but for some reason recently i’ve been wishing more to respond. Curiosity partly is killing me. But i know i shouldn’t and i won’t! i’ll focus on myself instead.

 

curiosity killed the cat!

 

there's a reason that's an age old saying. bc its true!

 

Do Not Respond. You have done so well... you will wipe out all your progress. And hit a new low. trust us on that one!

[marlowe1996]

Thank you so much for saying this you’re 100% right. I’m going to keep coming back to this post to remind myself. They are both toxic and i’m lucky to be free of him. I am worthy! i deserve better! I will keep reminding myself this.

[marlowe1996]

This is a reasonable response i think you’re right and i now i’m thinking maybe i couldn’t handle being his friend. At least not now, no. I don’t know if i could ever see him as a friend 100% after everything we’ve been through. I’m not sure how he could either honestly. That’s something i’ll never understand. Even though earlier i said i wish to be his friend. I think i do but there would be a part of me wanting more. :/

[marlowe1996]

I will come to these posts whenever i feel the urge to respond! You’re right it won’t do me any good, only set me back. I don’t want to make the past three months completely useless by setting myself back to day 1. No thank you.

[Lambert]

This is a reasonable response i think you’re right and i now i’m thinking maybe i couldn’t handle being his friend. At least not now, no. I don’t know if i could ever see him as a friend 100% after everything we’ve been through. I’m not sure how he could either honestly. That’s something i’ll never understand. Even though earlier i said i wish to be his friend. I think i do but there would be a part of me wanting more. :/

Recognizing that seeking a friendship is just a ploy to keep an ex in your life, is a big revelation.

 

In my 20's, I lived with my bf, in my apartment. we had a big circle of friends that we shared. when we ended it, it was so bad.... he moved out. i helped him somewhat find a new place, but it was a hot mess with our friends and even these other girls that liked him...

 

i couldn't take it.... once he was out of my apartment, i said to myself -- this is it. I'm focusing on myself. i avoided that group of friends. I hung out with other friends (ones that were more mine) and my family.

 

in time i met a new bf and we would often run into the ex, as i EVENTUALLY came back to that group of friends.

 

As time continued, we'd see each other but we were all getting older and not hanging out like we once did. so even those interactions were few and very far between.

 

fast forward ten plus years to now.. that ex is truly my friend. we live near each other now. neither of us are married..... we go to dinner a couple times a month, we get each other's mail or other little favors friends do to help each other out. there are zero romantic feelings between us.

 

we never really discuss the past in any deep or emotional way. but it's not the elephant in the room either. it was just so long ago! we never "agreed to be friends". it just happened that way.

 

so it can happen.... but it happens naturally over a long period of time.

 

he was not a cheater, but he was a player with those girls, making me crazy. many of my friends hated him and we laugh at how it turned out. like who would've thought? i mean seriously during the break up, i would cry in the bathroom at work. it was bad and it really hurt at the time....

 

the morale of this story: stay true to yourself. surround yourself with people that are on your side. don't be afraid to be on your own. in fact embrace the alone time. and trust that the people who are meant to be in your life will be... and it won't need to explained.

[MissCanuck]

Friendship almost never materializes in situations like this, OP. Some people might be civil or casual acquaintances with their cheater several years later after both have moved on, but a true friendship after one has betrayed the other and left for their affair partner? I have yet to see that.

 

You would never quite look at him the same way. You would not be able to forget how much your respect, love and friendship didn't mean to him. It's true that some people do learn from their bad choices and mature, but it's also true that as we grow older, we generally have less desire to hang on to people who caused so much heartache. You will need more time and space away from him to reach that point.

 

You're confused now because the pain is still pretty fresh, and he continues to disrespect you by contacting you in this way. Make no mistake; these messages are to make himself feel better, not you.

[IAmFCA]

Lambert's point about how a friendship - if it evolves at all - evolves organically, over time. First... FIRST! Put yourself first.

 

Other people offer what they offer. If it doesn't meet your needs, let it go. Sounds terribly practical, but it IS that simple. If you feel fear of not having a support system, find a friend and express that fear, or express it here. Start going to work events or group classes at a gym. Give yourself time to ease into your new course.

 

The months that have passed have been important ones. Your twinges of wanting to connect may be signal that you are on the verge of growing stronger on your own. Let it happen!

[marlowe1996]

Thank you for this story that really is pretty incredible and unlikely. You’re right i am a firm believer in whoever is meant to be in your life will be. I think i’ve been doing fairly well the last few month, obviously not perfect but how could i. It’s hard! really hard. harder than i ever imagined. But i’ll stay true to myself because that will bring me to the best place in the end. And if he’s meant to be in my life he will be. Just struggling because i can’t decide if what he did would ever be worthy of forgiveness. As in he can be a part of my life as a friend again. I guess i’ll see how things play out.

[marlowe1996]

I am definitely firm with the no contact. I guess what you’re saying is a difficult truth to accept. I’m not completely hopeless but i do feel like it would be difficult to be friends after everything. But i’m not known for holding grudges. On another end that might have to do with having respect for myself. I’m not sure, this is definitely a struggle i have to work through in terms of forgiving people who hurt you. Relationships are complicated!

[marlowe1996]

You’re right i need to prioritize myself and whatever is meant to be will be. I have been making a ton of progress the last few months but i have my moments. i’m curious what you mean by the last paragraph? “your twinges of wanting to connect may be signal that you are on the verge of growing stronger on your own.” I would think my wanting to connect with him would mean i’m backtracking or i’m not sure but it always seems like with time people care less about their ex. I feel happier on my own but at the same time he was really special to me and i valued our friendship a lot and i have moments where i hope he can be in my life in the future in a more positive way. Does this not mean i’m doing worse than i thought? I feel good in other ways just this still gets to me.

[AlexSays]

This just happened to me. Me and my ex broke up September last year, went NC in November. Then one January he broke NC in person and apologized and said he regret cutting me out and being the way he was. I told him I for gave and kept NC after. Then 4 days ago he broke the last 4 months of NC again and texted me telling me he’s be been crying and hasn’t really gotten over the guilt of hurting me, then tried making me feel sorry by saying he’s sorry for popping back up and that he would not do it again, to which I replied “alright, I hope everything is good for you an de you’re happy” he said he wasn’t. I didn’t reply.

 

This is their way of luring us back in. Unlike you, I answered. And even tho I didn’t succumb to his manipulation, I still wish I hadn’t realized replied at all.

You’re doing really goodbye so please don’t give in. Juan relationship is probably failing and he needs an ego boost. Don’t give it to him.

[HealingLight]

I think this guy is sniffing you out to keep you as a back up or to get back together with you. Unless that's what you want, I wouldn't respond as it will just set you back in your recovery if your goal is to move on.

[marlowe1996]

Sorry to hear that, this stuff really sucks. I don’t think i could keep no contact if he didn’t hurt me the way he did. He seems happy in his new relationships so i really can’t figure our why he’d bother but maybe i’ll never know. This site is helping me not go back to him and give in to respinding.

[marlowe1996]

He seems really happy to me with his new girl so i couldnÂ’t imagine him wanting me as a backup or to get back together but i donÂ’t have any way of knowing for sure. I think iÂ’ll keep no contact but man itÂ’s hard sometimes.