ex left me for someone else?

[DancingFool]

I don’t owe him anything. I honestly just don’t think i can block him at this point because i would be wondering if he messaged and what he said. i obsess less when i can clearly see what he’s doing instead of constantly wondering if he’s tried to reach out or not. I know i shouldn’t be thinking about it at all but hey i’m trying my best. This has been really hard he was my best friend :/

 

Best friends don't cheat on you and leave you for some other chic and act like azz to you about it.

 

Personally, I don't think he feels any guilt at all. He did what he wanted to do and didn't give a flying rat's rear end how it would affect you. Cheaters are all about themselves. I do think that your quick and easy forgiveness, kindness, and wishing him well was actually seen as weakness, as you leaving the door open for him to use you later. People like him don't recognize the idea that it takes a lot more strength and power to forgive and move on than to sneak around, lie and cheat. The concept eludes them.

 

He is contacting you because he is treating you like a sap that you are in his mind - someone he can play with and manipulate.

 

Also, I agree with reinvent - it's true that this kind of drama triggers addiction centers of your brain. Better to actually kick this straight to the curb and wash your hands of him completely. You say that him contacting you doesn't affect you, that it's better that you see his messages.....but here you are all churned up wondering what this sleaze means when he is reaching out to you. That's the opposite of helping you heal. It's setting you back and sending you wondering and thinking about him. Think about it - if you haven't gotten this message would you be spending so much energy thinking about him or would you be simply going about your life thinking about better things and not really caring about him?

[marlowe1996]

I feel less attached when he isn’t blocked. I’ve never blocked anyone in my life it’s just a weird concept to me. I’d be lying if i said i don’t miss him. i had a much longer summary of our story but it had to be reviewed for posting. I don’t have hopes of getting back together or anything but i guess i do have hopes that we could end up on civil terms somewhere down the line even if it’s years from now. We have quite a history. I know i seem pretty pathetic though.

[marlowe1996]

I know i was easy to forgive and it had much more to do with me just being exhausted from what he put me through and wanted to end the possible responses from him. He made the breakup as difficult and drawn out as he possibly could. I do agree with what you’re saying. Honestly there hasn’t been a day where he hasn’t crossed my mind even during the two months he didn’t say anything to me. I’m doing a lot better than i was in the beginning. I used to read these posts all the time and i guess i was curious what people would have to say about my situation. I can’t really talk about it to the people in my life so i used this as an outlet.

[DancingFool]

I feel less attached when he isn’t blocked. I’ve never blocked anyone in my life it’s just a weird concept to me. I’d be lying if i said i don’t miss him. i had a much longer summary of our story but it had to be reviewed for posting. I don’t have hopes of getting back together or anything but i guess i do have hopes that we could end up on civil terms somewhere down the line even if it’s years from now. We have quite a history. I know i seem pretty pathetic though.

 

You are not pathetic at all. What you are feeling and going through is painful, but normal. What you will find is that the old cliche about time heals is actually true. The more time passes, the less you'll miss him or want anything to do with him. Eventually you'll reach a point where you look back onto things more objectively and wonder why you ever liked him in the first place. However, the best part will be when you get to a level where it's just "meh". You simply don't care anymore either way. It really is just a factor of time. Meanwhile, don't beat yourself up too much, be kind to yourself, make a point of going out and having some fun, doing things you enjoy or finding things you enjoy. It really does work and does help.

[marlowe1996]

Also i do have a history of forgiving people. I’ve seen multiple of my friends change and we now have a much better relationship so i guess that is something kind of embedded in me.

[marlowe1996]

Thank you i do feel much better than i did three months ago. It’s still hard though. I am in a better spot in my life as well, i’m happier and more active and finding my old interests again. I think there’s a lot of factors going into why i still think about it and why i wish i knew his intentions. One being that part of me does wish him to regret it one day or at least get his dose of karma. Something to make me feel like his life is not all sunshine and rainbows and i’m just all alone. I guess him reaching out while he’s still with the other girl is something that tells me something is off whether he feels guilty (he should) or he’s not 100% happy with the new girl. I shouldn’t be thinking about it but i think anyone who goes through this has similar thoughts.

[reinventmyself]

This type of thinking attaches your happiness to his. -if he's not happy, you feel better. If he's guilty, then you feel better. In the meantime, he's long gone.

 

It's a sucky way to live after someone who's treated you badly and then left and you are still letting him define your happiness to some degree. He doesn't deserve that type of dedication. Find other healthier means of happiness

 

If he was standing before you begging, would you take him back?

[marlowe1996]

I would rather die than take him back. I just don’t like having bad blood with people especially people that i care about and loved more than life itself. I know you’re right though. I don’t feel like he dictates my happiness completely but i suppose it’s more of that part inside me that just wants to see some sort of karma. I was already feeling comfortable with the fact that he had completely forgot about me and was happy but i guess the message made me think maybe things aren’t all perfect with him.

[DancingFool]

Thank you i do feel much better than i did three months ago. It’s still hard though. I am in a better spot in my life as well, i’m happier and more active and finding my old interests again. I think there’s a lot of factors going into why i still think about it and why i wish i knew his intentions. One being that part of me does wish him to regret it one day or at least get his dose of karma. Something to make me feel like his life is not all sunshine and rainbows and i’m just all alone. I guess him reaching out while he’s still with the other girl is something that tells me something is off whether he feels guilty (he should) or he’s not 100% happy with the new girl. I shouldn’t be thinking about it but i think anyone who goes through this has similar thoughts.

 

Of course! So, the thing about cheaters is that they downgrade - always. Think about it - what sane good person is going to help a guy cheat? No one. No, his relationship with her is not happy and it's not rainbows and butterflies - more like living hell. How she got him is on her mind daily and it's going to haunt her and him. No trust, no respect and constantly looking over their respective shoulders. Cheaters can be just as paranoid about getting themselves cheated on as their new chic is about knowing what he is capable of. Nope, there is no happily ever after for either of them, at least not with each other. As the old saying goes, the greatest revenge is letting the other woman have him. It's a misery you wouldn't wish onto your worst enemy. A relationship that was doomed to be toxic from day one.

 

You may not know the details, but Karma is already at work.

[marlowe1996]

This. Thank you so much. That really sheds a new light on things. I always felt like the only thing i really had was that my next relationship would be built on love while theirs is built on lies and hurting another person. Neither of them have any respect for themselves obviously. It’s hard because i really did love him with all my heart and this came as a huge surprise, truly. He was all love and marriage talk before this and then all of the sudden he took a 180 and was gone. He never seemed to be okay with the idea of me not being in his life, just wanted to be with this other girl. Even then he said he needed time to think if he wanted to be with her or by himself. That relationship was toxic from the start, you’re right. And i should just be glad they have to deal with each other and i don’t. Their life seems like a mess. We are also both young and each other’s first loves. Both of us our 21. Part of me thinks all the talk of marriage at such a young age started to scare him, given i was his only real girlfriend. Even though he was always the one bringing it up. Anyway, i didn’t get much closure or direct answers because i didn’t ask, haha. Couldn’t trust him anyway. But doesn’t mean i don’t wonder sometimes. I just wish i didn’t miss him so much.

[SGH]

You haven't completely absorbed what him cheating you on means about his character. Friendship after relationships end is a possibility, but only if the person is worth being friends with. His actions have shown that he likely wouldn't make a very good friend. People who lie and only worry about themselves will continue to hurt you whether you are romantically involved or not.

 

I understand your desire to forgive, but if you're still attached to the idea of wanting karma to screw him over, you actually haven't forgiven him yet. Forgiveness is letting go and deciding to be done with the situation so you can move forward a happier and more knowledgable person. It's okay that you haven't quite reached that point yet, but consider the advice people are giving you. True NC, where you completely remove avenues of contact and information about the person really does wonders for healing.

[marlowe1996]

I understand and you’re definitelt right. I’m working on it i’m just taking it one step at a time. I have never replied which i’m fairky proud of but yeah obviously i’m not 100% healed. I’m not holding onto this idea per se but i am just wondering if it’s possible for guys like this to mature and become better people later in life? He’s young he just turned 21. I’m just not sure if it’s hopeless for him. I do care about him and want him to change for his own sake.

[IAmFCA]

My exH married his mistress (eventually). There is no bad blood between us. I am glad I ended up single and free to find a happier match. I have forgiven him, which is to say he did what he felt compelled to do to find his way, and be it flawed or not, we all are human and struggle sometimes. That's okay. I will never accept his actions, and I don't need to. Nor do I need to reject them.They are just not for me.

 

I have not accepted him into my life. We don't chat except extraordinary circumstances - and when we do it is with love and kindness in our hearts. His relationship with his now wife is 10 or 15 years long now. He has huge bags under his eyes, an extra 40+ pounds, a toddler to support, and a lives with a sense of burden. I closely resemble myself from 20 years ago, have our amazing kids with me and they are excelling and leaving my nest soon, and a sweet, supportive, and compelling bf who has known me and believed in me for years.

 

I took plenty of lumps. I think he would have been better off single, after we split. What goes around comes around. I just get happier as I go. I wish the same for him. I don't see it on his horizon.

 

Forgiveness is good. Acceptance is good. It doesn't mean he is a good investment of your time. If you haven't already, silence his ring and message notification, reroute incoming to a folder and automatically mark "read", and/or block altogether.

 

You needn't be bothered.

[marlowe1996]

I’m glad to see you’re doing so well! That definitely gives me confidence in my life. I think being a good person who is honest and doesn’t hurt people will always put you in a better place because you don’t have any negative feelings or guilt hanging over your head. I just hope to one day find someone i connect with on the same level or better than i did with him. He was my best friend for many years and that’s hard to replace. I definitely won’t give him the time of day especially knowing his character now. I guess everyone will get what’s coming to them be it good things or bad.

[reinventmyself]

He’s young he just turned 21. I’m just not sure if it’s hopeless for him. I do care about him and want him to change for his own sake.

 

He'll change in his own time and his own way.

I get you are struggling to move on but caring about his maturity and lesson learning (at your expense) is a really bad idea and just keeps you attached.

 

This isn't something that mysteriously comes over you. Moving on is a choice and a decision.

When you decide to move on, you act accordingly.

Maybe it's a good time to start.

 

You can forgive him, but you do it for no one else but yourself. You choose to not harbor negative feelings and detach from him, good bad or otherwise.

[marlowe1996]

What exactly is it to move on? Is it to completely stop thinking about him? or get rid of all hope for reconciliation? On some level i don’t think i could just forget about him completely. Man i wish i didn’t care about him so much.

[reinventmyself]

What exactly is it to move on? Is it to completely stop thinking about him? or get rid of all hope for reconciliation? On some level i don’t think i could just forget about him completely. Man i wish i didn’t care about him so much.

 

yes and yes

 

Why on earth obsess about a man you can admit that you would never go back to?

Consider it valuable energy wasted.

Can you think of something better to do with that energy?

[marlowe1996]

Honestly i think i’m just struggling because i miss him so much but he hurt me horribly so i have these conflicting feelings. Part of me is trying to search for any possibility that a good outcome could come from this but the logical part of my brain knows it’s kind of just doomed. He was the most special person to me, someone who made me feel less alone in the world. I know he has so many issues and his friends are terrible influences. I think i just wish one day things could be good between us. Blah I don’t like someone having such a hold on me. I was so independent before him. I don’t think i can ever forget about him completely but i’ll try to care less and think primarily about things that bring me happiness. Losing your best friend and finding out they weren’t who you thought they were really flips your world upside down.

[reinventmyself]

Losing your best friend and finding out they weren’t who you thought they were really flips your world upside down.

 

I get it. It just takes time.

Good for you you didn't respond.

Consider blocking him, seriously. You don't need breadcrumbs from him to help you feel better.

If you consider the motivation behind it makes it worse.

Recognize that every time he contacts you, you take a step backwards.

[marlowe1996]

I don’t want to miss if he were to ever sincerely apologize and make amends. I will consider it though. Maybe i will do it eventually when i’m ready :/

[marlowe1996]

And thanks to everyone for responding, i know i’m not the easiest to talk to about this stuff. I really appreciate the advice and support though and am taking it all to heart.

[reinventmyself]

I don’t want to miss if he were to ever sincerely apologize and make amends.

 

but you already stated you forgave him. . right?

In moments like these, I always ask myself `would it change the outcome?"

In this case, no.

[marlowe1996]

I told him i forgive him and wished him the best. As far as genuinely having forgave him i’m not sure if i’m 100% there yet but i’ve been making strides. I forgave him without him giving me a sincere apology.

[reinventmyself]

I edited my last response

[marlowe1996]

I think it’s still me holding on to that possibility of being civil towards each other in the future. That’s the outcome that could change.