ex left me for someone else?

[MissCanuck]

He seems really happy to me with his new girl so i couldnÂ’t imagine him wanting me as a backup or to get back together but i donÂ’t have any way of knowing for sure. I think iÂ’ll keep no contact but man itÂ’s hard sometimes.

 

But you probably thought he was happy in your relationship too, no?

 

This type of guy is the type that always has the next girl lined up. "Just in case."

[marlowe1996]

I suppose you could be right but why would he try lining up a girl he wasn’t happy with? I guess i only see what’s on social media and whatever contact i’ve had from him but man they really seem happy, meeting family and everything. If he was really fulfilled maybe he wouldn’t bother breadcrumbinf me though. Something about sending your ex a message saying you haven’t forgotten about them rubs me the wrong way. haha.

[IAmFCA]

You’re right i need to prioritize myself and whatever is meant to be will be. I have been making a ton of progress the last few months but i have my moments. i’m curious what you mean by the last paragraph? “your twinges of wanting to connect may be signal that you are on the verge of growing stronger on your own.” I would think my wanting to connect with him would mean i’m backtracking or i’m not sure but it always seems like with time people care less about their ex. I feel happier on my own but at the same time he was really special to me and i valued our friendship a lot and i have moments where i hope he can be in my life in the future in a more positive way. Does this not mean i’m doing worse than i thought? I feel good in other ways just this still gets to me.

 

Growing new skills brings change, and change can be scary. It's a time when we want to know we are secure, just in case the change doesn't go well.

 

In this case, the change in you means you are becoming even more distant from him, in ways that may be irreversible. Before you make that step forward, part of you may be reaching back to hold on, to feel safe again.

 

Remember that he is not your source of security. That really is within you.

[marlowe1996]

Yeah it does feel irreversable. part of the distress i felt when he first did what he did was knowing he basically burned the bridge right then and there and there would be no going back. I think it takes awhile to truly 100% accept that. I know i can get to a place where i’m happy and secure on my own. I just hope this doesn’t ruin my trust when it comes to future relationships.

[MissCanuck]

I suppose you could be right but why would he try lining up a girl he wasn’t happy with? I guess i only see what’s on social media and whatever contact i’ve had from him but man they really seem happy, meeting family and everything. If he was really fulfilled maybe he wouldn’t bother breadcrumbinf me though. Something about sending your ex a message saying you haven’t forgotten about them rubs me the wrong way. haha.

 

Because you would be the most convenient option. He didn't love you anymore if he was able to cheat, so he wouldn't be lining you up for any deep reason either. He'd be doing for the attention, affection and so on.

[bluecastle]

Hey there. Just want to chime in here and say you're seriously inspiring: such a warm, nuanced, compassionate intelligence is on display in every single one of your messages. This guy hurt you, and hurt you bad, and still you're able to see his humanity, and respect that your feelings were genuine even when you weren't treated as you deserved. That is pure light, a rare light, and the fact that this hasn't dimmed it, is just special. Keep cultivating that light for yourself, and to those deserving of it, and your path through this will be clearer every day.

 

I'm in a similar situation, in ways. Won't bore you with the details—cheating, indecipherable reach outs, etc.—but I know how hard it is when you just can't find that closure connective tissue with someone you shared so much space with, regardless of whatever havoc got wreaked when one person got a little overtaken by their broken parts. But he's just not in a place right now to receive what you can offer—those broken pieces are still broken—so offering it will just deplete you. It took me a while to get there—probably I'm still getting there—but keep doing what you're doing.

[bluecastle]

Oh, and so you know: I'm 7 months out. Those devilish little "karma" moments the wounded you is still hoping for—i've gotten those. Truth is, they don't feel so great. A little jolt to the ego, sure, but you sound like me: you genuinely want people to be happy. Knowing my ex was still an unhappy mess just made me momentarily sad for her. But that compassion is now only expressed in silence. My light, you could say, for me and my path.

[IAmFCA]

Because you would be the most convenient option. He didn't love you anymore if he was able to cheat, so he wouldn't be lining you up for any deep reason either. He'd be doing for the attention, affection and so on.

 

I caution us not to make assertions about who loves whom. Many people love as much as they are able, and cheat.

 

Just a footnote.

[bluecastle]

I caution us not to make assertions about who loves whom. Many people love as much as they are able, and cheat.

 

Just a footnote.

 

This is great advice. The idea that cheating is the antithesis of love is just not remotely accurate in my mind. People always love as much as they are able, and inevitably make mistakes, poor choices, take people for granted, and so on.

[marlowe1996]

Wow thank you for saying this, truly, your message felt like a warm hug from an understanding stranger and that will forever give me some faith in humanity. I realized i’m someone who has trouble accepting things i don’t understand, so i’ve spent so much of my time trying to understand him and why he did what he did. I obviously can’t come to any real conclusion seeing as there’s no way to know. But i do know a lot about him and his past and that he’s gone through things i wouldn’t wish on anyone and forever break my heart to think about. I know that has affected him in ways i can’t imagine and though there’s no defending his behavior it may help explain why he did such horrible things to someone he claimed to love. I am accepting that he can’t be who i need and he can’t be the person i need to love and that’s okay. I do want everyone to be happy and i want people to respect themselves and others and everything to be wonderful always and that’s maybe never going to happen, but maybe wishing karma on someone i love isn’t the way to help my wish of happiness all around come true. I want him to learn and i want him to be a respectable person and i truly want the best for him. Part of me just doesn’t think he would ever become that if he gets off easy and lives happily ever after. But whatever is supposed to happen will happen and there’s not point in obsessing over it, like i basically have been. lol. Anyway, ramble over. Thank you for your response, strangers helping strangers really warms my heart.

[marlowe1996]

I have to say hearing that he didn’t love me because he cheated definitely gave my heart a twinge. I can’t know if he did love me or not but i’d like to be open to the possibility that maybe he did, even just a little bit. Humans are complex creatures.

[marlowe1996]

This is a nice humanizing reminder.

[bluecastle]

The ramble is appreciated—hey, ramble on when needed. Strangers helping strangers: it goes both ways, and is so heartwarming. The hug given, in other words, is a hug received. So thank you back.

 

I don't know how old you/you guys are, but I suspect that at 38 I may have some years on you. I'll be straight: in my late 20s I was kind of a mess. I was hurting from a lot of childhood stuff, and I didn't really have a grip on that trauma. There were ways I was "good" at channeling/soothing it (really focused on work, became successful in a creative field very early), but others (romantically) where I was just lost, and using women/love (one in particular) as a perpetual salve for some kind of void I didn't understand. Did I love big? I did. Have I cheated? I have. Did it take me a while to learn because I got off "easy"? Big time. But was the "easy" period happy? No. It's why I committed to understanding myself better, which has been a decade-long process now: therapy, pattern-recognition, addressing trauma, etc. Because at the end of the day you really only feel as "good" as you treat other people, and once you get that, and can live by that, everything just expands.

 

In my last relationship I found myself on the other side. She ended up treating me with the kind of disrespect I'd treated others—or, really, one person in my late 20s. It was devastating: all the thorny thoughts and feelings you're having, I had, and am still untangling. In a word, they just HURT, badly. But I also had some perspective from my own journey, a bit of the humanistic perspective it sounds like you kind of have naturally (again, so inspiring!). I knew it wasn't binary: her cheating was not wholly out of lack of love for me so much as for herself. Her love for me was real, but it could only expand so far—and, ultimately, just not far enough. The cheating, in other words, was kind of an acute symptom of a much larger issue. But as I'd also learned from my own journey—no amount of love or compassion from me could treat the issue. It was for her to treat, or not, and that's just her journey now. She'll make the choices she makes. I choose to nurture that compassion for her, but only in silence, because where she is today? She'll just weaponize it without meaning to (those little vague texts, etc.).

 

An interesting sidetone, for what it's worth. That woman I was not great to in my 20s? Ten years later we are incredible friends. We spend a lot of time together, we drink wine and can talk effortlessly and honestly about the past, as well as being there for each other in new loves and heartbreaks. She's a life person for me, though I would never have expected that even a few years ago. For a good while she hated me, and I hated myself for how I was to her: no space for authentic connection there. We went years without speaking, then years with tepid contact as trust was organically reestablished. I've expanded, and can take fully responsibility for the ways I hurt her when I couldn't see past myself. She had long forgiven me for herself, so she could move forward without the weight of bitterness, but to reengage in a relationship of any sort she had to see that I'd evolved, which I have. That compassion we both nurtured in silence eventually brought us back together in a different, more sustainable way. But, again, that's because in the interim we BOTH did some real work on ourselves.

 

Whether your current ex does that ever, or whether mine does—only time knows that. So you hand over the reigns to time and focus on what you know is deserving of your energy and compassion: you.

 

How's that for some rambling?!

[MissCanuck]

I caution us not to make assertions about who loves whom. Many people love as much as they are able, and cheat.

 

Just a footnote.

 

A nice thought, but generally has not proved to be true in my experience.

 

I am not suggesting a cheater never loved the person they betrayed, but in my opinion, when you are able to disrespect someone on that level, the love is certainly no longer what it was.

[reinventmyself]

We could split hairs and get into the literal meaning behind `love'. People throw the word around so casually.

 

We can love how someone makes us feel, love their company . . love in a lot of ways that comes from our own selfish wants and needs.

 

But to truly love a person, it's not only an emotion, it's just as much an action.

You act lovingly.

You care about that persons feelings and their needs.

You are invested in their happiness. You consider the impact of your actions before you do them.

 

I don't say anything but I am often shaking my head when I read some posts where people confess to doing unspeakable things to their partners but at the same time insisting they love them.

 

" he/she hit me, cheated on me. . ignored me for days, but I know deep down inside he/she really loves me"

What??

 

They likely have some sort of unhealthy attachment, but love ~ no

[marlowe1996]

This is the best kind of rambling, haha, rambling with substance and meaning. It's nice to see the perspective of someone who used to do the hurting and has now changed. It's nice to know that its possible because sometimes it seems hopeless. For some people it might be, but im happy for you. "Because at the end of the day you really only feel as "good" as you treat other people, and once you get that, and can live by that, everything just expands." That is the truest most refreshing thing i've read. I think a lot of people dont know or believe that but i really do. And if more people did the world would no doubt be a better place. I for one am not someone who can hurt someone without feeling even worse myself. I'm not a revenge seeker either, no matter how much someone has wronged me. The best i can do is withdraw myself from the situation, which in this case i have to the best of my ability. I won't bother wishing karma on anyone anymore either. I think it's obvious karma tends to happen anyway, which may help people try to be better people in the long run. Karma has many ways of showing itself. I wont plan for anything to happen in the future in regards to my ex, but making amends with someone who hurt you i think helps both parties, so im happy you got to that point thats so ideal in a crappy situation. Living a lie full of deceit is a shame and a horrible way to live and i dont wish it upon anyone including my ex. And yes you do have plenty of years on us we are both very young, 21, which does give me hope he could grow and change in a positive way. He is very immature just like the majority of guys/people this age group. Makes me a bit scared to date again. lol. I have to say i feel way better now than i did when i started my threads on here. Healing is tricky business and i know ill have more ups and downs. I still think about the situation everyday. Im still capable of being brought to tears with any thought associated with him, positive or negative. But its happening significantly less frequently and the emotions are slowly lessening in intensity. I feel much better all around than i did three months ago, and even better now thanks to the advice and support ive gotten and people like you! So im extremely grateful for that. I feel my mind is calmer, and im falling in love with myself again. Also, not to brag but tomorrow will be 100 days since ive last contacted him. And for that i am proud. :)

[marlowe1996]

I see your point, though i dont think its something anyone can every know. People are too different, and express themselves and show love and respect in different ways. I think theres people who maybe loved them but fell out of love, or loved as much as they were personally able given whatever toxicity their persona has picked up through life and trauma, etc. I almost dont think its an issue based on love as much as an issue based on individuals unhealthy way of thinking or being. Im not sure if i can explain what im thinking properly but what im trying to say is, I could never cheat on or abuse someone whether i love them or even liked them, because its not in my nature. So when people do this i think its much beyond just saying "they didnt love you and thats why they could do what they did." Nothing is that simple.

[reinventmyself]

I could never cheat on or abuse someone whether i love them or even liked them, because its not in my nature. So when people do this i think its much beyond just saying "they didnt love you and thats why they could do what they did." Nothing is that simple.

 

Sweet Marlowe, my wish for you is that you come away from this refusing to accept anything less than you are willing to give and believing that you are deserving of it.

[marlowe1996]

I will make sure that happens. And I wish the same for you. I appreciate your patience and support for me. Thank you for being so kind.

[bluecastle]

21! Wherever it comes from, Marlowe, you've just got a deep well of compassion and humanity in you. I hope that doesn't sound condescending, because I mean it just the opposite: I'm nearly twice your age and appreciate your wisdom. You're helping me see things, giving hope. I'm so sorry you're in pain today, and sorry for what you're going through, but, my god, I think you're going to look back on this time and realize it really only served to brighten your light, not dim anything.

[marlowe1996]

I’m glad i can be inspiring without even trying! Especially when i’m at my lowest, that’s quite the compliment. I truly hope you’re right and this all turns out for the best. I know this experience is helping me grow in ways i never thought possible. Always a bright side to everything i suppose. :)