My partners friend is flirting with him

[Maiseymoo]

Hi everyone. I’m having an issue were my boyfriends close friend/coworker is flirting with him, and the situation is both difficult and uncomfortable. I’m not really sure how to handle it.

 

My partner and I have known one another for about two years via work and have been dating for roughly half a year. Everything has been going very well, and he’s helped me through some very tough times (major surgery and the recovery which I’m still going through, plus coming to terms with complications from it).

 

I knew from the start of my relations his friend didn’t like me, and I honestly can’t say why. The majority of our friends are supportive and even tried to help us get together as we’re both quite awkward that way. However in the past few weeks she’s started flirting with my boyfriend and it sets me ill at ease.

 

He’d invited me out a few weeks ago with his best friend after work for a few drinks. We all work together, but I’m an entirely separate department. However what had initially been planed as one drink, then home between the three of us, became a group of six people. That was fine with me and as the bar is very close to my home I walked. When I arrived though, I realised that my partners friend was not pleased to see me.

 

She began by asking him to buy her a house, loudly and repeatedly. It’s know that my boyfriend owns rental property, but she asked him to do this several times and it felt strange and excessive to me. Then she started asking him, specifically, to make plans and go out with him. This obviously left me feeling very wary. Following this she started having slight, but small digs at me. Saying things like ‘Well I suppose he knew what money was until he met you, right?’ I never ask him to pay my way, and this was hurtful.

 

I did mention this to my boyfriend, but I was also very worried I was being paranoid. However he admitted that he spoke to his best friend who had left early that night for advice (which I obviously want, he shouldn’t have to deal with issues without support). His best friend, without prompting, admitted he knew I was annoyed, and even said it was because this close friend had been flirting a lot. I should also say this woman has been known to try and have relations with men who are in relationships within the workplace in the past, which my boyfriend also admitted.

 

I guess I’m just looking for some advice on how to deal with this? I trust my boyfriend implicitly but I also feel worried about what this woman might do. Thank you all so much for any help you can give me.

[rosephase]

If you trust him then it shouldn’t be an issue. You don’t have to like her or spend time with her. If he is trustworthy then she can’t MAKE him cheat.

[indea08]

I agree with rosephase. Let the girl make herself look like an idiot. If your boyfriend is a good man, he'll handle it.

 

Next time you're around her, and she's blatantly rude to your face (like the comment about his money), stand up for yourself!! Why would you let someone you don't even like be so blunt and rude like that? Have enough self-respect to set her straight.

[ThatwasThen]

I knew someone like her once and she had a lifestyle of trying to get other women's boyfriends and husbands to cheat on their partner with her. She clearly had some emotional and mental issues as evidenced in her dysfunctional need to hone in on taken men.

 

Anyway, your boyfriend seems to understand that she's whack so why worry about what she does. In an ideal situation he would distance himself from her and clearly tell her to quit crossing boundaries with him. Does he have the ballzzzz to do that?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Do you all work together? Was he 'friends' with her before you dated or is she really someone he dated/slept with previously? It sounds like he dates people at work so she may be bitter that he moved to someone new. However, she can't do anything without your bf's condoning and encouraging it like this. Unfortunately your bf is the problem, not her. He's at the center of this triangle.

I’m having an issue were my boyfriends close friend/coworker is flirting with him. My partner and I have known one another for about two years via work and have been dating for roughly half a year.

[catfeeder]

I'd just tell BF that I adore him but not necessarily every choice of friend. The girl got on my nerves, and I'd appreciate it in the future if he wouldn't feel slighted if I don't join whenever he plans to hang out with her.

[DancingFool]

She can't make your bf cheat if he doesn't want to. Period.

If I were you, I'd totally take the high ground and be my charming best. Let her show her crazy because it's not attractive and will eventually get her ostracized. There is also the added benefit that you keeping your cool will drive her nuts and likely acting increasingly more crazy, which will turn off people around her more and more. Do not get into a cat fight her and don't show your insecurities.

[Minikimini]

 

I guess I’m just looking for some advice on how to deal with this? I trust my boyfriend implicitly but I also feel worried about what this woman might do. Thank you all so much for any help you can give me.

 

That woman can't do anything without his express permission. She talks all mess at you and she knows it works because, well, here you are, but until he gives her the OK to proceed with him, nothing is going to happen. That is where your investment needs to be--in trusting him to handle his friend.

 

Sometimes, you have to just sit back and adopt the motto: video ex taceo---I see but say nothing. Right now, observe and don't run to him complaining. You want to force her to take her obnoxiousness to the next level so your boyfriend will see the lengths she will go to to interfere in your relationship. As long as you're on him to do what you want him to do, he's going to drag his feet.

 

You just be saccharine sweet to her and giggle at her stupidity. Take her jabs at you and turn them around into questions to him that make her look petty and stupid. When she made the remark about "‘Well I suppose he knew what money was until he met you, right?’", you just smile sweetly and say "oh, he's getting an excellent return on investment, aren't you, sugar?" and kiss him. Watch her hair go up in flames.

 

Seriously, whenever she tries to come at you with that lame mess, you just say "aww, that's so precious" and smile sweetly.

 

There is no reason on earth why you should be letting her get under your skin like you're letting her. You've got to sit tight and let her hoist herself upon her own petard in front of him. If you trust your boyfriend the way you say you do, then "video ex taceo". She won't be able to help herself in shooting herself in the foot.

[Maiseymoo]

Thank you all so much for your advice. I'm definitely doing my best to stay above it all and not rise to her provocation! I know that if I do, it will most likely make her continue her behaviour and probably make it worse.

 

I suppose my real issue was with dealing with my own discomfort when she does this. I unfortunately find myself uncomfortable and awkward when she tries to flirt and considering her past behaviour I know that her end game isn't being with my boyfriend, but is with asserting herself as a more desirable person than I am considering she's done this sort of thing in the past.

 

You're all right though, I need to just put my trust in my boyfriend and know that even if she does try and make a move, he won't reciprocate.

 

I should say as well (I noticed it in the comments but I'm so sorry I don't have the username on hand!) that my boyfriend had never dated anyone in the workplace aside from me. He always distanced himself from those relationships because of the awkwardness it could cause, and I need to remember that's even more of an affirmation because he liked me enough to to set those worries aside.

 

Again, I just want to thank everyone who replied and made me feel better about the situation and helped me with working through the anxiety of it. =)

[Maiseymoo]

Thank you so much for this, particularly your advice about how to deal with her jibes! I'll definitely keep that in mind! =D

[abitbroken]

Honestly, if this woman is so rude --- saying loudly that your boyfriend should buy her a house and makes digs at you - its beyond "trust your boyfriend with a woman who acts a little flirty though he is clearly not interested". To me, he should be shutting her down. Sorry. I am not implying that he should *shut her down* as in she has the hots for him and he needs to reject her -- but he needs to make it clear that he doesn't tolerate the blatant disrespect. Whether he is very firm and direct about it, or he starts in a lighthearted way 'so what's this all about?" or eventually decides not to go out for drinks if she is there. its one thing if there is one woman is a little flirting with the whole office and its another matter of her acting like a child, loudly talking about him and blatantly disrespecting you.