Does dumpers regret set in?

[2005TAHOE]

I am 1 week broken up and NC, see my other threads, for the story. I was wondering after time if the anger diminishes and they start thinking if they made a mistake or not for female dumpers? Usually how long?

[reinventmyself]

I am 1 week broken up and NC, see my other threads, for the story. I was wondering after time if the anger diminishes and they start thinking if they made a mistake or not for female dumpers? Usually how long?

 

There isn't one set answer for this. It all depends on the circumstances.

For the most part I think `dumpers' do second guess themselves to some degree. Unless the relationship was unbearable there is some mourning of the loss of the good parts, but it does not translate into wanting to reconcile.

[wgmitch]

Only time can answer this question for you and for your situation. The answer is different for every situation. Stay no contact, be strong and know your worth.

 

Mitch

[boltnrun]

I never, not once, regretted leaving my ex. He wasn't a good person.

 

Even if your ex did some day decide she made a "mistake", how would you deal with her mother?

[SweetGirl28]

I regretted dumping my first ex before I even did it! I knew that pain was gonna be massive. But at the time I had to. That regret lingered for a decade to be honest. The others, nah. Most feel a twinge of regret here and there when they remember good times, but it fades.

I can literally say each one I dumped I'd never want in my life except the first one, who does still happen to be in it.

Everyone is different, though. Sometimes what feels like regret can just be loneliness because of difficulty in finding a new strong connection, but that passes too.

[Cope]

Has nothing to do with gender.

 

I'm a straight woman and never regretted dumping anyone but have seen an ex regret him dumping me.

 

As you've been told above, only time will tell. It's best to stay no contact and don't obsess over things like these. Work on yourself, stay strong!

[2005TAHOE]

I never, not once, regretted leaving my ex. He wasn't a good person.

 

Even if your ex did some day decide she made a "mistake", how would you deal with her mother?

 

This is where the issues started, but like I said in my thread, petty problems need to be kept in the relationship. This has happened before, we had an argument, she told her mom and after we made up she told her mom to stay out of it. It should be that way in a marriage or engagement.

[reinventmyself]

This is where the issues started, but like I said in my thread, petty problems need to be kept in the relationship. This has happened before, we had an argument, she told her mom and after we made up she told her mom to stay out of it. It should be that way in a marriage or engagement.

What's done is done.

You both have different view on this. And because so you aren't compatible. She isn't able to resolve conflicts and runs to her mommy for everything. This is who she is.

It's no mystery that you became a parent to her as well. It seems to be the way she relates to everyone including romantic relationships.

You didn't say how old she is but she needs to grow up and mature some.

 

At the same time you need to not rescue little birds with broken wings. They tend to fly away when they get their wings back.

 

Hold out for an adult woman that can stand on her own two feet and be your equal partner.

[thorough]

I really loved my ex, but I had to break up w/him because he wasn't treating me right. I had a huge sense of regret the 1st 6 months because I really cared for him, but I knew I would unhappy in the long run. There was another guy I dated for a brief period, I ended up dumping him because he was crazy, super clingy and controlling. I did not regret that break up for one second, I felt extremely relieved.

[MissCanuck]

Personally, I have never regretted ending a relationship.

[Young mind]

Contrary to cold opinion, I believe everyone mourns a relationship loss, it's rather untrue if someone says he/she didn't experience any moment of loss/regret/memories, unless that relationship was a daily turmoil which is also unlikely.

 

Time does give everyone a different opinion, but it's true , regret doesn't necessarily mean contacting the dumpee or getting back, especially if they have someone else.

[2005TAHOE]

I was just thinking along the lines of the more time that goes by do they tend to forget the bad memories and remember more of the good? I can honestly say that I can not remember the first big fight that we had but I remember our first date to a T.

 

Is this where dumpers second guess their decisions? I understand that cheating, abuse or drugs are a no go as far as reconciliation.

[katrina1980]

I was just thinking along the lines of the more time that goes by do they tend to forget the bad memories and remember more of the good?

 

---

 

*I can honestly say that I can not remember the first big fight that we had but I remember our first date to a T.

 

 

Since you are experiencing these emotions, then yes of course it's true.

 

No matter how toxic the relationship was, in time we tend to forget about the bad and remember the good.

 

It's human nature.

 

There is also a sense of longing, which can be very intense and hard to shake.

 

It's important to remember why it was you broke up and not get caught up in the "longing" which if not careful can turn into obsession.

 

Even when you're the dumper, which in many cases happens *not* because you fell out of love, but because your partner sort of "forced your hand" by cheating or treating you poorly.

[SweetGirl28]

I was just thinking along the lines of the more time that goes by do they tend to forget the bad memories and remember more of the good? I can honestly say that I can not remember the first big fight that we had but I remember our first date to a T.

 

Is this where dumpers second guess their decisions? I understand that cheating, abuse or drugs are a no go as far as reconciliation.

 

The bad does fade out in time. A mistake many make when reconnecting with an ex is bringing the past up and even repeating those same behaviors, and all that does is remind them why you ended to begin with. All chances are killed at that point because the bad is at the forefront of their mind again whereas it was all pushed back before.

 

Talking to an ex is truly useless unless both want to reconcile. The constant push and pull is not worth the healing you've done. Even if you don't want an ex back and you have contact, they are there in your mind and it's really them taking up space where another person could be. On rare occasions friendships are possible and remain but it's only when you truly don't care for that person any longer. And most of those friendships will eventually fade out anyway as each person gets involved with someone they are committed to, because in general people are not comfortable with their partner being friends with an ex. Me personally I don't care, I'm confident enough to not tell anyone who they can contact, but if I saw something deeper going on I'd be out in a heartbeat.

[2005TAHOE]

The bad does fade out in time. A mistake many make when reconnecting with an ex is bringing the past up and even repeating those same behaviors, and all that does is remind them why you ended to begin with. All chances are killed at that point because the bad is at the forefront of their mind again whereas it was all pushed back before.

 

Talking to an ex is truly useless unless both want to reconcile. The constant push and pull is not worth the healing you've done. Even if you don't want an ex back and you have contact, they are there in your mind and it's really them taking up space where another person could be. On rare occasions friendships are possible and remain but it's only when you truly don't care for that person any longer. And most of those friendships will eventually fade out anyway as each person gets involved with someone they are committed to, because in general people are not comfortable with their partner being friends with an ex. Me personally I don't care, I'm confident enough to not tell anyone who they can contact, but if I saw something deeper going on I'd be out in a heartbeat.

 

I wasn't referring to reconciling, I was just wondering as a dumper, when/if the arguments are forgotten about. Do they think they over reacted? Do they think they acted on emotions? I have never been a dumper bc I am committed to someone through thick and thin, especially since I was engaged to her. I honestly cant remember the argument that we had to cause her mom to drive 10 hours to "rescue" her and even then she stayed committed to me. We talked it out, apologized and moved on from it. But she would bring up previous arguments during our next.

[SweetGirl28]

I wasn't referring to reconciling, I was just wondering as a dumper, when/if the arguments are forgotten about. Do they think they over reacted? Do they think they acted on emotions? I have never been a dumper bc I am committed to someone through thick and thin, especially since I was engaged to her. I honestly cant remember the argument that we had to cause her mom to drive 10 hours to "rescue" her and even then she stayed committed to me. We talked it out, apologized and moved on from it. But she would bring up previous arguments during our next.

 

Yeah I know lol,I was just expanding on my many thoughts flowing in my mind today. Dealing with my own issues lol :)

 

To answer the question, yes. I've been the dumper all but once. And even then I tried dumping him and he said don't give up just so he could dump me, haha. Reactions are usually based on emotions in the moment, and as time passes without that person, and the fighting, the bad just fades out. Most can be seen as petty, or prideful, or stubborn after. But damage has been done already, you know? With the exception of the abuse I've been through, I can't recall many arguments. I don't hold bad feelings . But I sure as hell remember the abuse . I can replay that all in mind if something triggers it. Those scars never really heal. But other arguments are forgotten.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she is back home with her family so she probably thinks she made the right choice. It wasn't working almost as soon as she left her home to be with you, mostly arguments and a lot of turmoil. It sounds like she regretted moving in with you from the start. Moving out and giving back everything you gave her is pretty definitive, so is her maintaining no contact.

-A few months later there were a few arguments about money

-I had found out that she spent $250 on her hair and I got upset with her, hers where the arguments start.

-Well a few months later we have a few more arguments and she went and told her mom

-I started getting distant and hoping that she would realize that its affecting our relationship.

-This is the second time that she had threatened me with leaving

-I do hope for reconciliation

-what does the dumper feel and is she thinking about me? Do dumpers feel any regret?

[2005TAHOE]

Yeah I know lol,I was just expanding on my many thoughts flowing in my mind today. Dealing with my own issues lol :)

 

To answer the question, yes. I've been the dumper all but once. And even then I tried dumping him and he said don't give up just so he could dump me, haha. Reactions are usually based on emotions in the moment, and as time passes without that person, and the fighting, the bad just fades out. Most can be seen as petty, or prideful, or stubborn after. But damage has been done already, you know? With the exception of the abuse I've been through, I can't recall many arguments. I don't hold bad feelings . But I sure as hell remember the abuse . I can replay that all in mind if something triggers it. Those scars never really heal. But other arguments are forgotten.

 

I still feel like she got a lot of influence from her family and friends. I just wonder if that has ever backfired on anyone? None of the arguments started until she started telling her mom EVERYTHING.

[SweetGirl28]

I still feel like she got a lot of influence from her family and friends. I just wonder if that has ever backfired on anyone? None of the arguments started until she started telling her mom EVERYTHING.

 

No one, and I mean no one, should be involved in anyone else's adult relationships. I have to be honest with you, in general we don't listen to others. We might talk about it, but we still will do what we want. I have a gf with such a loser it sickens me and she still doesn't leave. Honestly I'm like OMG stop asking me for advice and my opinion then because you're draining me. So it depends. If she's a person who's easily influenced, it's possible. But maybe she just didn't feel safe. Maybe she felt controlled. Maybe she felt it all happened too soon and went back home.

 

The guys my family hated I loved. I didn't listen to them. I couldn't have cared less. They were my relationships, not theirs. But I do what I want anyway. I don't think the blame can all come down on the family and friends here though.

[2005TAHOE]

No one, and I mean no one, should be involved in anyone else's adult relationships. I have to be honest with you, in general we don't listen to others. We might talk about it, but we still will do what we want. I have a gf with such a loser it sickens me and she still doesn't leave. Honestly I'm like OMG stop asking me for advice and my opinion then because you're draining me. So it depends. If she's a person who's easily influenced, it's possible. But maybe she just didn't feel safe. Maybe she felt controlled. Maybe she felt it all happened too soon and went back home.

 

The guys my family hated I loved. I didn't listen to them. I couldn't have cared less. They were my relationships, not theirs. But I do what I want anyway. I don't think the blame can all come down on the family and friends here though.

 

Im not placing all the blame on that, I had my control issues and jealousy but I didn't go running to family or friends everytime we argued. She had asked her mom several times to stay out of our issues. We were going to counseling to help us. I had had severe depression from a failed marriage, divorce and losing my father at the same exact time. She would go to her mom for everything, everything.

[MissCanuck]

Im not placing all the blame on that, I had my control issues and jealousy but I didn't go running to family or friends everytime we argued. She had asked her mom several times to stay out of our issues. We were going to counseling to help us. I had had severe depression from a failed marriage, divorce and losing my father at the same exact time. She would go to her mom for everything, everything.

 

And whose fault is that, in the end?

 

Not her mother's, not at your ex's age. Your ex is an adult. She chose to involve her mother. Mom can't interfere without your ex giving her the green light.

 

To answer a previous question you asked: one of my previous relationships was a volatile one, with me feeling like I was stepping on eggshells much of the time. There were numerous arguments. After I finally left for good, I didn't forget the good times we had but I also didn't forget how incompatible we were and how emotionally drained I was. He had his good characteristics, as nearly everyone does, but I had zero desire to return to a relationship that untimely wasn't working.

[SweetGirl28]

Im not placing all the blame on that, I had my control issues and jealousy but I didn't go running to family or friends everytime we argued. She had asked her mom several times to stay out of our issues. We were going to counseling to help us. I had had severe depression from a failed marriage, divorce and losing my father at the same exact time. She would go to her mom for everything, everything.

 

Her mom couldn't stay out of it if she kept involving her.

 

I've been thru both vebal/emotional and physical abuse and I gotta tell ya when you feel threatened you start reaching out to people and I'm thinking she felt due to the fighting she was feeling trapped. I mean it was rushed, met, moved in, engaged, away from her family. Without even really knowing you.

 

I have a failed marraige my dad died right smack in the middle of my divorce. I was depressed too. I stayed alone for a while. My comfort came from an ex who I'm still to this day friends with. You have to heal the hurt before moving on.

[2005TAHOE]

Her mom couldn't stay out of it if she kept involving her.

 

I've been thru both vebal/emotional and physical abuse and I gotta tell ya when you feel threatened you start reaching out to people and I'm thinking she felt due to the fighting she was feeling trapped. I mean it was rushed, met, moved in, engaged, away from her family. Without even really knowing you.

 

I have a failed marraige my dad died right smack in the middle of my divorce. I was depressed too. I stayed alone for a while. My comfort came from an ex who I'm still to this day friends with. You have to heal the hurt before moving on.

 

She was in another state when we met other than her home state. She had dated someone there that cheated on her and he moved out. So, its not that she moved 10 hours away for me and just left her home there. We were 100 miles apart when we met.

[2005TAHOE]

And whose fault is that, in the end?

 

Not her mother's, not at your ex's age. Your ex is an adult. She chose to involve her mother. Mom can't interfere without your ex giving her the green light.

 

To answer a previous question you asked: one of my previous relationships was a volatile one, with me feeling like I was stepping on eggshells much of the time. There were numerous arguments. After I finally left for good, I didn't forget the good times we had but I also didn't forget how incompatible we were and how emotionally drained I was. He had his good characteristics, as nearly everyone does, but I had zero desire to return to a relationship that untimely wasn't working.

 

That is a good point about her mother, I was in the middle of changing depression meds and asked her to give the new ones time to work. I wasn't abusive, she would bring up every argument from the past but be the first to say "today is a new day"

[SweetGirl28]

She was in another state when we met other than her home state. She had dated someone there that cheated on her and he moved out. So, its not that she moved 10 hours away for me and just left her home there. We were 100 miles apart when we met.

 

Sounds like neither of you had any business rushing then. Maybe she causes her own issues.

I think you both need therapy and you need to just stay NC.