Does dumpers regret set in?

[2005TAHOE]

Sounds like neither of you had any business rushing then. Maybe she causes her own issues.

I think you both need therapy and you need to just stay NC.

 

I am, What do you think she will do? reach out after a period of time? I have been NC since 3/24

[SweetGirl28]

I am, What do you think she will do? reach out after a period of time? I have been NC since 3/24

 

I honestly can't say, I don't know her side of the story, just that she dumped you and left.

You haven't been NC for that long. I'm not really the one to ask because out of all the dumping I've done, I never made contact because they never really went away lol. But I didn't get back together with any.

 

You have to treat this as the break up that it is and just take this time to get therapy, heal, resolve past hurts, and become a better man and partner. Stay alone until you are in a good place emotionally. I'm sorry you're hurt. Breakups feel like death. You can only work on yourself and not focus on her . Time, space, let all bad memories fade out.

[2005TAHOE]

I honestly can't say, I don't know her side of the story, just that she dumped you and left.

You haven't been NC for that long. I'm not really the one to ask because out of all the dumping I've done, I never made contact because they never really went away lol. But I didn't get back together with any.

 

You have to treat this as the break up that it is and just take this time to get therapy, heal, resolve past hurts, and become a better man and partner. Stay alone until you are in a good place emotionally. I'm sorry you're hurt. Breakups feel like death. You can only work on yourself and not focus on her . Time, space, let all bad memories fade out.

 

Great advice, thank you. Im just having a weak day

[SweetGirl28]

Great advice, thank you. Im just having a weak day

 

We all have weak days. It will get better. You are dealing with more than just this breakup.

The weak days will turn better. You'll even smile and laugh again! Omg! Lol good luck

[MissCanuck]

I am, What do you think she will do? reach out after a period of time? I have been NC since 3/24

 

Maybe, but it's just as likely she'll rush into a new relationship.

 

She is impulsive and operates on a superficial level. She doesn't take time to get to know the real person before diving in, which suggests her attachment to you was only as deep as her feelings on any given day. This wasn't a woman who was going to be a good candidate for anything long-term.

 

You're looking for stability and love from the wrong person here, OP. It's best that you get to the bottom of why you went along with this against your better judgement. Are you trying to heal a past hurt from the breakdown of your marriage, perhaps?

[2005TAHOE]

Misscanuck, you are exactly right. I want to feel like she acted on impulse to just throw our relationship to the street like a stray dog. I would have hoped that she knew what an engagement ring meant and its purpose. I cant take all the blame for my insecurities and hers as well. When I promised to marry her and she said yes then you promise your life with that person through good and bad (besides cheating and abuse).

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately there were quite a few arguments about money and her mother. It would be easy to believe it was impulsive or her mother's fault, however facing the truth that it just wasn't working would help you grasp what happened and initiate what changes you could make. For example you claim your wife did the same thing. Suddenly went to church with her mother and never came back. When someone leaves abruptly it's because they feel controlled, unsafe or abused and have started reaching out to friends/family for help and an exit plan. Try not to downplay how mood disorders, OCD rigidness, controlling behaviors, obsessions with money, etc can be perceived and jeopardize your relationships. Why not get help for that rather than blame this, that and the other for the repeated departures. It doesn't matter if you are married, engaged, dating etc. They have a right to leave, you don't own them.

I want to feel like she acted on impulse.

[2005TAHOE]

I would like to reach out and let her know that I have had time to think about what I have done wrong and reflected on the control and jealousy issues, but its either too soon or too late.

[SweetGirl28]

I would like to reach out and let her know that I have had time to think about what I have done wrong and reflected on the control and jealousy issues, but its either too soon or too late.

 

No, don't do that. You will look manipulative and desperate and controlling.

Move on, heal, lesson learned. I'm sorry you hurt but please trust me on this.

[2005TAHOE]

No, don't do that. You will look manipulative and desperate and controlling.

Move on, heal, lesson learned. I'm sorry you hurt but please trust me on this.

 

How will she notice the change if I don't, do women pickup on things like that? I feel like she has completely forgotten about me. I was feeling great this morning but now I am feeling down.

 

Also, and I need to stop checking, but her facebook still has pictures of a race that we went to and our relationship status is still on her wall. I know that she has hidden her friends list but why wouldn't you delete the post like that?

[SweetGirl28]

How will she notice the change if I don't, do women pickup on things like that? I feel like she has completely forgotten about me. I was feeling great this morning but now I am feeling down.

 

Also, and I need to stop checking, but her facebook still has pictures of a race that we went to and our relationship status is still on her wall. I know that she has hidden her friends list but why wouldn't you delete the post like that?

 

Stay off the social media, you will keep the wound open by doing so.

Updating and changing pics ob fb is not a priority she has, but don't read into it. Stop looking!

 

No one forgets an ex. What they do forget in time is the bad stuff. It lessens and hurt and anger is let go.

Except in cases of abuse, we hold on to that forever. That's why NC and time and no pleading, begging, no wanting to prove change , is so crucial. You must leave it be. Accept it. Deal with it. Go thru the hurt. She's feeling it too. But all the apologies in the world won't help now. It's done. If she ever wants to, she knows how to contact you.

[MissCanuck]

Misscanuck, you are exactly right. I want to feel like she acted on impulse to just throw our relationship to the street like a stray dog. I would have hoped that she knew what an engagement ring meant and its purpose. I cant take all the blame for my insecurities and hers as well. When I promised to marry her and she said yes then you promise your life with that person through good and bad (besides cheating and abuse).

 

Yes, perhaps, but what I meant was that she rushed into a relationship with you also due to her impulsive nature.

 

People who make good partners take their time, get to know you as a person, evaluate your compatibility and chemistry - and then decide to make a relationship exclusive. Not the other way around. People who demand exclusivity early on are compensating for other issues within themselves and not getting into a relationship for the right reasons. Therefore, it's easier for the m to jump ship because they are just not as invested as you thought.

 

Putting a ring on it doesn't make a dysfunctional relationship any less prone to problems or break-ups.

[Kev0s1983]

It's done. If she ever wants to, she knows how to contact you.

 

This is exactly how I believe to look at the end of a relationship if you have been dumped. Speaking for my own mistakes in this last relationship, I have become a different person following the shock of the breakup. I never thought for a second it would end because my head as THAT far up my own behind and I was drinking a silly amount.

 

Our exs know how to reach us if they ever want to... Easy to understand so very difficult to accept.

[2005TAHOE]

This is exactly how I believe to look at the end of a relationship if you have been dumped. Speaking for my own mistakes in this last relationship, I have become a different person following the shock of the breakup. I never thought for a second it would end because my head as THAT far up my own behind and I was drinking a silly amount.

 

Our exs know how to reach us if they ever want to... Easy to understand so very difficult to accept.

 

Yes it is, whats holding me back are the "what ifs" I feel like I'm taking all of the blame but I know deep down that its 50/50. I just don't get how someone can claim their love for you then throw you away like a piece of trash to be never heard from again.

[SweetGirl28]

Yes it is, whats holding me back are the "what ifs" I feel like I'm taking all of the blame but I know deep down that its 50/50. I just don't get how someone can claim their love for you then throw you away like a piece of trash to be never heard from again.

 

You need to refocus. If you keep replaying this in your mind you will go insane.

You have to focus on all the bad and pull yourself through. No blaming, no what ifs, no well if only this, that, it's harmful to healing. Just because we love someone, it doesn't mean they are right for us in our lives. You have to love enough to let go sometimes. If love truly was all that was needed to hold people together, there would be a lot less breakups.

 

This is recent. One day she may reach out. No one wants to give anything time. But instant gratification doesn't solve anything. It just halts progression. What you had is done and you need to leave it behind. And you want it done, because it didn't work. If ever you are given another chance, which to be honest I don't think the odds are good, and I know that hurts and I don't want to add to your pain, so I'm sorry, but with another chance comes a new relationship. A new beginning. A fresh start. Getting to know one another all over again. Reconnecting. Trusting. Forgetting the past, not holding resentments, finding ways to effectively communicate without fighting and dragging the past back up. What happens with people, especially us females, we tend to want answers and drag past hurt back up, which only makes the other remember the bad, and why it ended to begin with. And as a result, it fails again. The chances of getting an ex back are really small for everyone. I have contact with mine and we aren't together. And honestly never will be. And we didn't have huge issues between us. We weren't toxic together. Outside influences wrecked us, and his recent divorce. He wants to see what's out there, he can. It doesn't stop me from living. You have to accept the loss and that only comes with time and NC. It's so very hard and hurts like hell but it's necessary.

 

An ex never forgets you. As times passes the bad fades and the good remains and that's when people reach out. But often you find their motive is either not sincere, or they just want friendship. It's up to you to decide at that point what you can handle. The ones who actually work it out realize the person never really left their heart and have grown to the point where they can have a mature adult relationship with effort put in equally from both sides. A lot of that comes from dating others and experiencing what there is out there.

[2005TAHOE]

You need to refocus. If you keep replaying this in your mind you will go insane.

You have to focus on all the bad and pull yourself through. No blaming, no what ifs, no well if only this, that, it's harmful to healing. Just because we love someone, it doesn't mean they are right for us in our lives. You have to love enough to let go sometimes. If love truly was all that was needed to hold people together, there would be a lot less breakups.

 

This is recent. One day she may reach out. No one wants to give anything time. But instant gratification doesn't solve anything. It just halts progression. What you had is done and you need to leave it behind. And you want it done, because it didn't work. If ever you are given another chance, which to be honest I don't think the odds are good, and I know that hurts and I don't want to add to your pain, so I'm sorry, but with another chance comes a new relationship. A new beginning. A fresh start. Getting to know one another all over again. Reconnecting. Trusting. Forgetting the past, not holding resentments, finding ways to effectively communicate without fighting and dragging the past back up. What happens with people, especially us females, we tend to want answers and drag past hurt back up, which only makes the other remember the bad, and why it ended to begin with. And as a result, it fails again. The chances of getting an ex back are really small for everyone. I have contact with mine and we aren't together. And honestly never will be. And we didn't have huge issues between us. We weren't toxic together. Outside influences wrecked us, and his recent divorce. He wants to see what's out there, he can. It doesn't stop me from living. You have to accept the loss and that only comes with time and NC. It's so very hard and hurts like hell but it's necessary.

 

An ex never forgets you. As times passes the bad fades and the good remains and that's when people reach out. But often you find their motive is either not sincere, or they just want friendship. It's up to you to decide at that point what you can handle. The ones who actually work it out realize the person never really left their heart and have grown to the point where they can have a mature adult relationship with effort put in equally from both sides. A lot of that comes from dating others and experiencing what there is out there.

 

Thanks sweetgirl, I have these little spurts of "I don't care anymore" but they don't last long. These past two weeks have seen like 2 months. I want to break NC so bad but I know it will set me back more and push her away more. Can you tell me sweetgirl, is she facebook stalking me? I haven't put anything on there about being dumped or anything negative.

[Wiseman2]

Yeah, never put that stuff on fb. Just retool your social media to reflect a happy, interesting person. If there is a status or joint pics, change that.

I haven't put anything on there about being dumped or anything negative.

[SweetGirl28]

Thanks sweetgirl, I have these little spurts of "I don't care anymore" but they don't last long. These past two weeks have seen like 2 months. I want to break NC so bad but I know it will set me back more and push her away more. Can you tell me sweetgirl, is she facebook stalking me? I haven't put anything on there about being dumped or anything negative.

 

 

I can't stress enough to you, that you need time. You can do everything right by distracting yourself and surrounding yourself with friends, getting therapy, rest, eating well, journaling, but the only healer is time. The rest are band aids to get you through the day. It hurts like hell. It's recent. You will recover. You will always remember her. But the pain will be replaced, I promise you this. It's about getting to a healthy state mentally and emotionally. That's why people turn to drinking and drugs , it's to kill the pain, to stop their mind from the thoughts that hurt. But in reality, they are doing so much more damage because they find themselves not only trying to kick an addiction, but trying to heal from what was never dealt with. I've seen it time and again. Hell,I even fell into that for two months. I was out drinking and dating trying to stop the hurt. All I did was waste two months that I could have used productively. I went off on a tangent, sorry lol

 

I don't know if she looks at your Facebook, but just leave it alone. People are quick to try to play games thru social media. They change their status, take pics down, post new pics looking all happy and photoshopped gorgeous all the while in reality they are a hot mess sitting there in bed with candy and ice cream and potato chips , no makeup, not showered in two days lol(okay that was me :) ) Social media is a huge fake piece of crap, you know? I know someone who her and her hubby despise one another, physical abuse daily, I got punched in the jaw last summer getting in between them. Yet all she does it post about how happy they are, oh look he bought me this expensive purse, shoes, blah blah. Oh I love you so much, pfffftttttt all fake. So you, you don't be that person. Leave it alone. Do changes when they feel right for you. Back up photos on a hard drive, don't ever delete. I send pics to my ex with funny captions on them to put digs in him, I take a makeup app and make him all girly and send it. I'm funny like that. One day maybe you'll be friendly again and you might want those pics. Don't ever, ever broadcast the breakup or use quotes on there showing you're hurt or want revenge, or anything. What happens is that the ex looking at it has a crazy amount of thoughts going thru their mind reading into everything, and all that does it keep bad memories at the surface. This is why it's important to just disappear completely. You need to be off the radar.

[SweetGirl28]

I don't normally do this, but I can't help to think of your situation and think back on one of my exes that was unkind to me. I'm not projecting that I feel you are bad, I only have your side of the story, and I think just like myself and my ex where everything was rushed, we got stressed and we were so young and stubborn and hurt one another. He was a person who was very jealous and insecure and no matter what I did, it wasn't enough. I felt like I always needed to prove myself, at the expense of my self esteem and independence. Funny thing happened as I was typing my last reply to you. I have on spotify(yes I'm very productive at work when charting lol) but anyway this song came on. Weird coincidence because it's the song my ex used to try to get me back. And it hurt so much at the time because I knew love wasn't enough to stay together. He was just no good for me. But even years later, as he was going on his third marraige, he asked me to marry him and used this song again to try. It didn't work obviously, but I did see after years that the words of this song were true, and after he worked out his issues, he actually became a really good man. Even his third wife now tells me I'll always be the one who had his heart, and she jokes I still might. I don't even have contact with him, I just have a little with her if we run into one another thru a mutual friend. So I'll share this with you, maybe it will help you feel a little better.

 

[2005TAHOE]

I don't normally do this, but I can't help to think of your situation and think back on one of my exes that was unkind to me. I'm not projecting that I feel you are bad, I only have your side of the story, and I think just like myself and my ex where everything was rushed, we got stressed and we were so young and stubborn and hurt one another. He was a person who was very jealous and insecure and no matter what I did, it wasn't enough. I felt like I always needed to prove myself, at the expense of my self esteem and independence. Funny thing happened as I was typing my last reply to you. I have on spotify(yes I'm very productive at work when charting lol) but anyway this song came on. Weird coincidence because it's the song my ex used to try to get me back. And it hurt so much at the time because I knew love wasn't enough to stay together. He was just no good for me. But even years later, as he was going on his third marraige, he asked me to marry him and used this song again to try. It didn't work obviously, but I did see after years that the words of this song were true, and after he worked out his issues, he actually became a really good man. Even his third wife now tells me I'll always be the one who had his heart, and she jokes I still might. I don't even have contact with him, I just have a little with her if we run into one another thru a mutual friend. So I'll share this with you, maybe it will help you feel a little better.

 

 

 

Thanks for that, it actually made me tear up a little. I feel like I am a lot like your ex, my doctor changed my meds and my ex went with me. She even said that it was a good med and should help with my depression/anxiety. That song make me want to put it on my FB wall and hope that she sees it, but I don't think I should

[SweetGirl28]

Thanks for that, it actually made me tear up a little. I feel like I am a lot like your ex, my doctor changed my meds and my ex went with me. She even said that it was a good med and should help with my depression/anxiety. That song make me want to put it on my FB wall and hope that she sees it, but I don't think I should

 

No! Let me tell you why. You're sending out a message by doing that that looks needy and clingy. That's why it didn't work for my ex. I saw it as tactic to manipulate me. In hindsight it wasn't but when emotions are running strong, the mind goes to another place and you don't want a bad reaction to occur. If ever you were on speaking terms again and you were talking about the breakup in a way with her that you both were calm and healing, you could say " hey this song makes me think of us."

 

I hope your meds stabilize you. Be consistent with taking them and talk about concerns you have with your dr. Communication is key to effectiveness and management.

[2005TAHOE]

No! Let me tell you why. You're sending out a message by doing that that looks needy and clingy. That's why it didn't work for my ex. I saw it as tactic to manipulate me. In hindsight it wasn't but when emotions are running strong, the mind goes to another place and you don't want a bad reaction to occur. If ever you were on speaking terms again and you were talking about the breakup in a way with her that you both were calm and healing, you could say " hey this song makes me think of us."

 

I hope your meds stabilize you. Be consistent with taking them and talk about concerns you have with your dr. Communication is key to effectiveness and management.

 

Since I was like your ex, what can I do to show the changes that the meds are doing? How can I show her that I changed when/if she comes back around? It wasn't always arguing, we had some great times as well. I just hope that the bad ones fade away and the good ones make her think of me.

[SweetGirl28]

Since I was like your ex, what can I do to show the changes that the meds are doing? How can I show her that I changed when/if she comes back around? It wasn't always arguing, we had some great times as well. I just hope that the bad ones fade away and the good ones make her think of me.

 

I didn't accept him back because the damage was done. It's been years now I saw he had made changes but I had already moved on and I don't return to anything that went bad. So I'm not really sure. The best advice I can give you is to make the changes for yourself, so that you are a better and more stable man. You have to be balanced and happy to be a good partner. And that takes time, therapy, and whole heck of a lot internal reflecting to recognize and accept flaws and change them to have more positive character traits. It's about self control in every situation. Thinking before acting. And you have to train your mind to do that.

 

Everyone has good times, if they didn't then they wouldn't have been together. Sometimes the bad, even though it fades out, is just too much to trust to return to. That was the case with me and him. The trust was gone. So even though yes he changed, I couldn't make the trust come back.

 

If she ever were to contact you and be around again, she would have to see change. Saying you've changed would never be enough. Seeing change happens in the way she'd perceive you to be interacting with her, respect her space, give her her independence while showing trust by not asking a million questions or accusing, being affectionate yet not mushy to the point of looking desperate. Not raising your voice during conflict, allowing her to have a voice. A big thing is never in conflict projecting. Like if she did something, and you said "you make me angry" don't ever do that. It needs to be changed to "I feel upset by this, and here's why" that way you are not projecting blame and putting her on the defense.

 

You could talk until you were blue in the face and feeling faint of how you've changed, it wouldn't matter. Action is change.

Words aren't. It does have to be seen and that happens with contact and spending time together. Like I said I don't want to hurt you and give you false hope, I'm trying to help you because I believe you can and want to be a better man. Do this for you to be healthy from this point on. You'll be proud of yourself, and will feel better, even if she never returns.

[2005TAHOE]

I didn't accept him back because the damage was done. It's been years now I saw he had made changes but I had already moved on and I don't return to anything that went bad. So I'm not really sure. The best advice I can give you is to make the changes for yourself, so that you are a better and more stable man. You have to be balanced and happy to be a good partner. And that takes time, therapy, and whole heck of a lot internal reflecting to recognize and accept flaws and change them to have more positive character traits. It's about self control in every situation. Thinking before acting. And you have to train your mind to do that.

 

Everyone has good times, if they didn't then they wouldn't have been together. Sometimes the bad, even though it fades out, is just too much to trust to return to. That was the case with me and him. The trust was gone. So even though yes he changed, I couldn't make the trust come back.

 

If she ever were to contact you and be around again, she would have to see change. Saying you've changed would never be enough. Seeing change happens in the way she'd perceive you to be interacting with her, respect her space, give her her independence while showing trust by not asking a million questions or accusing, being affectionate yet not mushy to the point of looking desperate. Not raising your voice during conflict, allowing her to have a voice. A big thing is never in conflict projecting. Like if she did something, and you said "you make me angry" don't ever do that. It needs to be changed to "I feel upset by this, and here's why" that way you are not projecting blame and putting her on the defense.

 

You could talk until you were blue in the face and feeling faint of how you've changed, it wouldn't matter. Action is change.

Words aren't. It does have to be seen and that happens with contact and spending time together. Like I said I don't want to hurt you and give you false hope, I'm trying to help you because I believe you can and want to be a better man. Do this for you to be healthy from this point on. You'll be proud of yourself, and will feel better, even if she never returns.

 

Thanks, I messed up and saw her on okcupid last week and stupidly looked again last night and she wasn't on there. I know that I shouldn't worry about her but I don't think she is ready to date either. I want nothing more than for her to come back, work on our issues and love each other more than ever.

[SweetGirl28]

She will be rebounding by dating now, so chances of it lasting aren't that high. But.......people who emotionally disconnect before ending a relationship move on quickly.

 

Put the focus on you. Don't worry about what she does.