Trying to be more than friends with benefits

[SarahJohndrow]

So first some background: this guy and I started sleeping with each other a little over a month ago. We have many mutual friends and we went out to a club and ended up talking there and hitting it off then he came back to my place. After we hooked up we stayed up all night long talking for hours and just having really good conversation. Then in the morning he mentioned possibly being friends with benefits and I agreed. He made it very clear that he didn’t want a relationship and that I should try my best to not catch feelings for him because he won’t feel the same but he sends very mixed signals. After sex, he and I normally stay up all night talking or watching movies. We’ve even grabbed a bite two times afterwards. He asked me about some very personal stuff recently and I told him because I’m comfortable around him but later realized that it was a bad idea for me to have told him such dark things because those are things I’d want to share with a lover not some fwb. I told him if he doesn’t want me to catch feelings then we can’t have deep heart to heart conversations.

But here’s the real problem: I fell myself starting to like him and I don’t know what to do because even though I know he says he doesn’t have feelings his actions sometimes suggest otherwise and I want to make him like me as more than just a fwb.

[j.man]

I told him if he doesn’t want me to catch feelings then we can’t have deep heart to heart conversations.

Whether you catch feelings or not is your responsibility, not his. If you know you'll become attached doing something, whether it's having heart-felt conversations or simply having sex itself, then stop doing it. You can't "make" anyone like you. He's told you honestly and rather plainly that he's not at all interested in a relationship right now. Respect that and engage (or disengage) accordingly.

[MissCanuck]

Whether you catch feelings or not is your responsibility, not his. If you know you'll become attached doing something, whether it's having heart-felt conversations or simply having sex itself, then stop doing it. You can't "make" anyone like you. He's told you honestly and rather plainly that he's not at all interested in a relationship right now. Respect that and engage (or disengage) accordingly.

 

I completely agree with all of the above.

 

You need to disengage, OP. He has warned you it won't turn into more. Please believe him. Otherwise, you'll continue to develop feelings, you'll confess to him, and he'll have to remind you of the conversation you've already had that he isn't interested in dating you.

[maew]

This is where we as women have to be careful. It’s in our nature to become emotionally invested in someone when we have sex with them. That’s not to say we can’t have fun... but you need to have very clear boundaries about what you will and won’t do as his “friend” in order to avoid confusion in your own mind. Like for me, it might involve limiting my time or how much I share with this person.

[GoodGumbo]

You are headed for heartbreak. You will begin to over analyze every thing he texts and says. It is like punching a ticket to a crazy train! You will make yourself crazy. Think about this because it will happen and this is the voice of experience. With you two being in the same circle; can you imagine yourself sitting and watching him pick up another girl? Can you imagine the torture you will go through every time it happens? Worse, what if the texts requesting hook ups and talks gets further and further apart... He is actually falling for someone new... Let me tell you about it, you will try to convince yourself that it shouldn't hurt you because you care about him (Love him) enough to want him to be happy. You should want that, right? But then you find yourself studying her and wondering what she has and why you weren't enough. And he has your emotional support because you are still his friend so that takes a lot of pressure off of any new relationship he may start so you are actually helping any new girl form a great relationship with him. It hurts. You secretly hope something will happen and she will go away. You think of how long you had him and act like its a competition to see if she keeps him longer than you did. But, you still have him right?

When he does break up he comes back to you! It is then that you get to start worrying about when he will pick up the next one and when you will be eating your heart out again. Every day he misses texting you will be a day you wonder if he found someone else and is texting her... every time.

 

Stop it now.. Really, love yourself enough to just come clean and say you would like to try a relationship with him and give him that opportunity or walk away. I am telling you that you do not want to bring this kind of pain on yourself.

[smackie9]

Have that conversation with him because just maybe he is feeling the same way. Everything has it's risks and life would be boring if there were not risks. This is the time to tell him and let it roll. If he pushes back, then you simply end it before you get in way too deep.

 

Next time when you have FWB, learn to define your boundaries and set rules with them before engaging in such an arrangement....you need to protect yourself.

[DancingFool]

When he went out of his way to be very clear with you that he doesn't want a relationship with you, you better believe him. He already judged you as unsuitable.

Now you get to decide what you want to do with that. He isn't responsible for your feelings and for what you do and don't want to do.

 

If you don't want deep pillow talk, then stop it. If you just want the sex and nothing else, then tell him "thanks for the service now go home. I like the bed to myself." and yes really do kick him out.

 

What you don't want to do is go along with what he does hoping that he'll start to see you as more. What you are doing is a bit like a guy you've friendzoned hoping you'll change your mind and date him. It's not going to happen and if you don't draw boundaries that you can manage, including stopping the fwb deal, then you will simply get hurt badly.

[Wiseman2]

Don't treat a fwb like a bf, you'll end up disillusioned.

[Hollyj]

He told you nothing more would happen. Listen.

 

You will have no one else to blame if you stick around and get hurt.

[abitbroken]

This will not end how you think -- he stated very clearly he wanted FWB and you AGREED. He does not want anything else with you. I suggest to not hook up with men. I suggest dating (as in go on dates to get to no eachother and don't have sex on them). I would move on and do not allow yourself to be a FWB.

[SweetGirl28]

Fwb do talk and spend time together other than sex, otherwise you just have a f buddy, where you do the deed and leave.

But you still cannot get emotions involved. You're setting yourself up for immense pain if you continue this. He was clear about it, and you need to listen because guys do mean what they say. Tell him, and if his reaction is to end it, you need to respect that. This is so early on but fwb most often does not progress to a real relationship. And you run the risk of him telling you eventually that he met someone he wants to date and then he will fade out anyway.

[figureitout23]

Fwb do talk and spend time together other than sex, otherwise you just have a f buddy, where you do the deed and leave.

But you still cannot get emotions involved. You're setting yourself up for immense pain if you continue this. He was clear about it, and you need to listen because guys do mean what they say. Tell him, and if his reaction is to end it, you need to respect that. This is so early on but fwb most often does not progress to a real relationship. And you run the risk of him telling you eventually that he met someone he wants to date and then he will fade out anyway.

 

I thought the same thing, even though you're connecting beyond sex it doesn't mean he wants a relationship, it's how he is defining your situation and you're going along with it. As others have said, don't get disillusioned about all this. If what you have now is enough for you, then awesome, if not you have a decision to make.

 

I agree with the other poster, he's doing you a huge favor essentially telling you, you aren't relationship material to him. He's already made his stance clear.