It hurts to hear my wife on the phone to her friend

[Iwish]

My wife has a friend who I've posted about previously, I'm quite jealous of the relationship he has with my wife.

 

We don't seem to talk much or laugh a lot these days, if we do talk it can end in an argument and it feels as though I just irritate her.

 

When I hear her speaking on the phone to this guy, she can talk for hours with him. They have a lot in common, they have silly conversations and he makes her laugh loads. I wish I had this with her.

 

How do I deal with getting used to hearing her on the phone to him without sitting there feeling jealous, anxious and like I want to cry? I feel pathetic.

[Honeycomb8]

Put your foot down, you know she's having an affair right? The audacity she's showing is mind blowing. Why are you not consulting a lawyer to serve divorce papers?

Stand up for yourself for God sakes.

[Hollyj]

My wife has a friend who I've posted about previously, I'm quite jealous of the relationship he has with my wife.

 

We don't seem to talk much or laugh a lot these days, if we do talk it can end in an argument and it feels as though I just irritate her.

 

When I hear her speaking on the phone to this guy, she can talk for hours with him. They have a lot in common, they have silly conversations and he makes her laugh loads. I wish I had this with her.

 

How do I deal with getting used to hearing her on the phone to him without sitting there feeling jealous, anxious and like I want to cry? I feel pathetic.

 

What is their relationship?

 

Have you considered couples counseling for your communication issues?

[Iwish]

She isn't having a sexual affair. I kind of agreed with whoever it was that said she is having a type of emotional affair. She does not agree with this of course. She says it's just someone who's an outsider who she can speak to that isn't me as she says if she speaks to me, she comes to a realisation that she's a failure as a wife. I don't have any proper friends who I confide in, just my wife and my sister and so I don't know how irrational I am being and wether I am correct about feeling this is an emotional affair. I know he has no romantic interest in her.

 

I have suffered with these feelings of jealousy before and so I feel I am experiencing the same insane jealousy that I used to.

[boltnrun]

How can speaking to you make her feel like a failure as a wife? That statement makes no sense to me.

[Iwish]

For example, recently she lost her job and she feels rock bottom and says that speaking to me brings it home more that she feels she's failed me. Also, whenever she's told me anything recently, I have fixated on the wrong things. Eg: my jealousy of him. Wondering about things that aren't really relevant.

[boltnrun]

For example, recently she lost her job and she feels rock bottom and says that speaking to me brings it home more that she feels she's failed me. Also, whenever she's told me anything recently, I have fixated on the wrong things. Eg: my jealousy of him. Wondering about things that aren't really relevant.

 

So what are you doing to try to change this?

[Iwish]

I'm awaiting high intensity cbt which I'm starting on the 22nd. I've seen my doctor to change my meds to see if that helps with my outlook on life at all, I'm reading self help books about insecurity in relationships..I've tried shoving the thoughts aside and writing them down but they always seem to just blurt out and damage us even more. I've asked her to help me "normalise" him by speaking to him on the phone around me as she used to leave the house or ring him when I wasn't around so that she didn't have to put up with me being wierd about it.

 

Shes just been on the phone to him laughing and talking loads and I just sat there with my stomache in knots feeling jealous. I hate it! I tried to distract myself with a book, game and my phone but failed. I went upstairs and sat with ear plugs in playing on my phone but I thought maybe that's not such a good thing because I'm not facing things doing that so I sat back in the living room and wrote down how I felt.

 

Basically my self confidence is almost zero and so I project it all and say "he's funnier than me" "he's more interesting than me" which at the moment due to my long term depression that just won't disappear and my insecurity issues, I haven't been my old self who is chatty and funny. I'm just angry, critical and jealous.

[Iwish]

I've tried to be a better listener rather than fixating on other things and i've tried to get used to the fact that people have friends that they confide in aswel as spouses.

[Mari]

She isn't having a sexual affair. I kind of agreed with whoever it was that said she is having a type of emotional affair. She does not agree with this of course. She says it's just someone who's an outsider who she can speak to that isn't me as she says if she speaks to me, she comes to a realisation that she's a failure as a wife. I don't have any proper friends who I confide in, just my wife and my sister and so I don't know how irrational I am being and wether I am correct about feeling this is an emotional affair. I know he has no romantic interest in her.

 

I have suffered with these feelings of jealousy before and so I feel I am experiencing the same insane jealousy that I used to.

 

Just ask her if she'd be ok with this if you were in her position with another girl.

[Iwish]

She said she can't say as she can't think of it that way around and she's never experienced it. She said she would like to say that she wouldn't have a problem...?

[SherrySher]

This is my own personal opinion, she is in the wrong.

 

Yes, she has a right to have male friends, BUT your relationship should come first and she should be making your relationship most important.

 

The fact that she is running to this other man and is relying on him and you have to sit and watch as they laugh together and so on, would upset anyone.

 

She is basically placing him first and making their relationship the one she prefers when she is upset.

 

That's not right.

 

You have already voiced your upset to her and she brushes it off and makes it out like you're just jealous, but truth be told, she is treating you badly and is placing this man above you.

 

The only one who can change this situation now, is you.

 

You don't need to stay with someone who treats you this way, and she obviously isn't going to change any time soon.

[Pleasedonot5]

She is disrespecting you by doing this. Put your foot down.

[ThatwasThen]

Maybe you ought to find your own "FFF" (Fun, Fone, Friend)? At the very least you should try to meet new people so that your whole life doesn't revolve around her. She is the only 'thing' you have, your only means of emotional support and companionship so it's no wonder you are jealous when that 'thing' is looking like it may be drifting or taken away from you.

[Hollyj]

Maybe you ought to find your own "FFF" (Fun, Fone, Friend)? At the very least you should try to meet new people so that your whole life doesn't revolve around her. She is the only 'thing' you have, your only means of emotional support and companionship so it's no wonder you are jealous when that 'thing' is looking like it may be drifting or taken away from you.

 

I agree. Your partner should not be your entire world.

[DanZee]

Are you sure this isn't your depression or anxiety that's creating this situation in your mind? You're on meds. You're going to be seeing a therapist. This is definitely something you can work on to improve your marriage and to stop worrying about her phone friend. She probably just needs someone to talk to and she might not be able to talk to you in your condition right now. I would say calm down, try to dismiss your fears, and see what CBT can do for your perspective.

[1a1a]

Does she do things that make you feel loved? Does she continue to choose you?

[Iwish]

Yeah I reckon it has a lot to do with my depression and how I feel about myself. At least I hope it's that as then it's all in my head.

 

We spoke about "love languages" and I have told her many times how I like to be "shown" love. I.e cuddles, spontaneous kisses etc. She seems to get quite annoyed as she feels I am basically calling her a rubbish wife and then she drags me in for a hug which doesn't cut it for me as its forced. She tries for a while and then slips back into her old ways of not really showing me she loves me the way I want her to. I am so confused as to wether it is me feeling that low that I'm not particularly feeling loved anyway and so anything she does do isn't making a difference or wether she actually isn't showing me love...? She plays on her phone a lot which bugs me. Yesterday she woke up and the first thing she did was reach for her phone. I got upset that the first thing wasn't a hug.

 

So far, no, she hasn't "chosen me." She is going through a lot at the moment and is suffering with mental health issues herself as of recent. She hasn't before but something that happened recently unrelated to me kind of pushed her over the edge and she kind of had a break down which was quite severe. He helped her through this and she didn't want me near her because she said it made her feel like an utter failure and she needed someone who wasn't so close to home to help her as she felt it wouldn't affect him as much as it would me. I don't know. I'm still furious about this incident.

 

Basically we are both suffering mental health issues which is obviously going to affect eachother. I booked her some tickets to go see a friend she's know since childhood for a few days next week and I'm hoping that this time apart helps.

[thealchemist]

I don't think you understand love languages.

 

If the way you want to be shown love isn't a way she wants to express you have an issue.

 

It isn't some simple task to change how she expresses it. Might as well tell you that you need to learn to enjoy receiving love in a different way than you do.

 

It sounds like you have told her how you want to receive love and it just isn't how she shows it.

 

The scary thing is that it sounds like quality time and communication is how she wants to give and receive love. Too bad she does that with this other guy and not you.

 

If she relies so heavily on an extra marital figure for support she took you out of the equation.

 

If she has her love language being met by this guy that is totally not cool.

 

In my (un)expert opinion it is at least an emotional affair.

 

Sorry

[Iwish]

Ah how odd. The books we have read say that people have their own love languages and you make effort to meet your partner's ways of making them feel loved if you don't already show it this way. Thank you for the advice.

[Hollyj]

Are you both getting professional help?

[1a1a]

My one that I thought was the one, turned out to be toxic adverse, and touch is my love language. I’ve never felt so lonely as I did in that relationship. And then he got. Depressed. And stayed depressed .and didn’t want to see a psych. And my needs went on the back burner never to be met again.

 

Everything you’ve written makes me feel like your needs aren’t being met and your partner would rather distress you in pursuit of her own comfort than support you.

[ThatwasThen]

Yeah I reckon it has a lot to do with my depression and how I feel about myself. At least I hope it's that as then it's all in my head.

 

We spoke about "love languages" and I have told her many times how I like to be "shown" love. I.e cuddles, spontaneous kisses etc. She seems to get quite annoyed as she feels I am basically calling her a rubbish wife and then she drags me in for a hug which doesn't cut it for me as its forced. She tries for a while and then slips back into her old ways of not really showing me she loves me the way I want her to. I am so confused as to wether it is me feeling that low that I'm not particularly feeling loved anyway and so anything she does do isn't making a difference or wether she actually isn't showing me love...? She plays on her phone a lot which bugs me. Yesterday she woke up and the first thing she did was reach for her phone. I got upset that the first thing wasn't a hug.

 

So far, no, she hasn't "chosen me." She is going through a lot at the moment and is suffering with mental health issues herself as of recent. She hasn't before but something that happened recently unrelated to me kind of pushed her over the edge and she kind of had a break down which was quite severe. He helped her through this and she didn't want me near her because she said it made her feel like an utter failure and she needed someone who wasn't so close to home to help her as she felt it wouldn't affect him as much as it would me. I don't know. I'm still furious about this incident.

 

Basically we are both suffering mental health issues which is obviously going to affect eachother. I booked her some tickets to go see a friend she's know since childhood for a few days next week and I'm hoping that this time apart helps.

Frankly, your partner is full of it and is simply gas lighting you and making this your fault when she's acting inappropriately and like a single woman when it comes to her FFF (fun fone friend). Sadly, you're enabling her to treat you poorly because you haven't the confidence or the motivation or the life outside of her to look after your own best interests.

[Pleasedonot5]

I disagree with an earlier poster: I think it's very easy to adapt to your partner. For instance, if my partner had physical touch as their love language, I would consciously make an effort to hold their hand, etc. It's not some hard task... The only difficult thing is to be aware of it, which she is.

 

It's disloyal to you that she is disregarding you completely, not listening to your feelings, and instead spending her time with this guy on the phone. Given the right circumstances, I would bet that she's cheating.

 

I think you should look up what gaslighting is.

[Usa1ah]

Iwish your wife is having an affair, emotional or physical it doesn’t matter, it’s still an affair.

 

You are not the problem your wife is. And no you are not being insanely jealous.

 

We all need friends but they should never come before your spouse. If your wife can confide in the OM and not you then there is a big problem with her relationship with this OM.

 

Either she gives up this relationship or you file for divorce. Don’t go to her and say give him up or I am divorcing you. Tell her that the relationship she has with him has gone to far that it needs to end. If she says no, then find a lawyer and file for divorce. This is the only way to save your marriage. You have to be strong and have self respect be fore she will ever respect you. If she says fine to the divorce then she has already checked out of the marriage.

 

Also no guy is going to pursue your wife like this for this long without sex being involved.