maew Posted March 12, 2018 Share Posted March 12, 2018 Hey all! My question is.. has anyone had any experience with dating someone that either did or didn't want kids and having that person change their mind one way or the other? Wanting kids is a deep biological need for many, and so is not wanting kids. I know some people that have changed their minds, and some that really wanted them and couldn't have them or decided not to because of the person they were with. Background: I was texting a guy I liked, we were getting along really well (for those following the saga yes we did finally go on a date and it was amazing). Chemistry all over the place. The week after our date, I noticed he had pulled away. Was not sending me messages, rarely responding to mine, etc. Totally different than the behavior before the date. So I decided to call him out, I said I noticed he had been distant all week, was he still interested in dating, or was something else going on? Normally I wouldn't bother following up, but we have lots of mutual friends and would see each other around so I felt it was best to get things out in the open. He said, essentially, that he wanted to have kids, that he should have told me right away but he really liked me and was hoping it was a fantasy that would just go away, but he wasn't ready to let go of the possibility at this point in his life, even though he understood it might not happen. I think he didn't realize how old I was (I am 46 but I look like I am in my 30's to most people) so once he found out (I told him randomly) he might have started thinking about it. It wouldn't be the first time this happened I am not sure. At any rate, I definitely don't want more biological children at this stage of the game. So I thought okay, he will move on, I will try to move on. And yet he is still contacting me, we are still flirting over text... so maybe he isn't sure of his decision. My instinct is to let go completely of this situation, and move on from him, because I don't want kids and I feel like if he does, it would be a dead end relationship, and I don't want to get my heart broken. But then I also wonder if I am being too harsh, and should just live for the moment, and even if this isn't a long term thing there is still some fun to be had. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shessofly Posted March 12, 2018 Share Posted March 12, 2018 My guess is, he likes you and possibly looking for some action if at all possible. If you choose to continue do so without expectations of longevity. If you really want something long term I would end it now. Why waste the time and potentially end up getting your heart all tangled up into something you know won't last? How old is this guy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drcarol Posted March 12, 2018 Share Posted March 12, 2018 I have known at least two married couples where one person wanted kids and the other didn't. In both situations, the one who wanted kids had hoped the other would change their minds. But they didn't. And both of them are divorced now. So, I think if you are looking for a long-term, committed relationship with him, then you probably won't get it if he really wants kids that badly. Not that it couldn't happen, but I wouldn't hold my breath. With that said, if you want to casually date him and have some fun, then why not? That is, if you think you can stay emotionally distant and not fall in love. If not, then maybe it's best if you don't move forward with him and try to find someone who doesn't want to have kids either. Good luck! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 12, 2018 Share Posted March 12, 2018 I don't think you have to go as far as "biological need" -it's just one of those huge life decisions that are often dealbreakers, just like when one person wants marriage and the other doesn't. I would avoid contact with him since he's told you where he stands. It's completely fine that you do not want more children and that he wants kids. I would put no focus at all on the remote possibility that he'll change his mind. I do know of one married couple where she settled for not having kids and all I know is they seem happy together. I know of another couple where he is now reneging on his promise to use her frozen eggs to start a family and she is running out of time. And she is running out of patience with him. I'd avoid getting into what promises to be a messy situation and frustrating for both of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted March 12, 2018 Share Posted March 12, 2018 He said, essentially, that he wanted to have kids, that he should have told me right away but he really liked me and was hoping it was a fantasy that would just go away, but he wasn't ready to let go of the possibility at this point in his life, even though he understood it might not happen. And yet he is still contacting me, we are still flirting over text... so maybe he isn't sure of his decision. I'd let this one go. He says he stopped contacting you because he wanted to have kids. Now he's contacting you why? Because he suddenly doesn't want to have kids? I doubt it. He's looking to score and he feels like he's given you fair warning that you're not marriage material, vague though that "fair" warning was. Also not buying the "I really liked you so instead of telling you that I wanted kids, I decided to ghost you" bit. I hope you don't believe that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted March 12, 2018 Share Posted March 12, 2018 I would definitely tell him you don’t want more kids . Personally ,I wouldn’t wait for a person to change their mind either way . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maew Posted March 12, 2018 Author Share Posted March 12, 2018 My guess is, he likes you and possibly looking for some action if at all possible. If you choose to continue do so without expectations of longevity. If you really want something long term I would end it now. Why waste the time and potentially end up getting your heart all tangled up into something you know won't last? How old is this guy? Thanks all, this validates what I am thinking as well. This guy is 45 or 46, close to my age. Never married, no kids. Usually when I date someone my age they either have kids or don't want any, so I definitely wasn't expecting this curve ball. I stopped dating younger guys because I didn't want to have to deal with someone that wanted kids, or wanted more kids. I don't know all the details of what he is looking for in a "breeder" but I do know he is getting a bit panicky and frustrated because he isn't finding what he is looking for. I do know I don't want to be the cause of a resentment or any other lingering disappointment on his part or mine. So maybe it is best to just back right off. Sigh... the universe makes no sense sometimes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SherrySher Posted March 12, 2018 Share Posted March 12, 2018 I think the only fair thing to do is let him go. Children (imho) are one of the most wonderful experiences in this life. It would be wrong to take that away from someone knowing they did want children. You know he wants a child, you can't give him that. So it seems only fair to stay your distance and let him find someone who could offer him a child. He could possibly really resent you down the line as well if he does stay with you and ends up losing his chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted March 12, 2018 Share Posted March 12, 2018 My guess is, he likes you and possibly looking for some action if at all possible. If you choose to continue do so without expectations of longevity. If you really want something long term I would end it now. Why waste the time and potentially end up getting your heart all tangled up into something you know won't last? How old is this guy? I agree.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maew Posted March 12, 2018 Author Share Posted March 12, 2018 He's looking to score and he feels like he's given you fair warning that you're not marriage material, vague though that "fair" warning was. To be fair, I was also looking to score, which is why I have been entertaining his texts. I am not however willing to put a bunch of energy into it... if it happens it happens. I was more curious to know if anyone had known of a situation where someone had changed their mind.... not why he is texting me, that I already know lol ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted March 12, 2018 Share Posted March 12, 2018 I think people change their mind plenty on children as time goes by, particularly as the excitement and accomplishment we get from our careers start to experience some diminishing returns and, frankly, we start to reflect a bit more into our own mortality and subsequent "purpose." Speaking personally, I went from "nope, not ever" in my early 20s to a "maaaaybe" into my mid-20s, and it was probably 28/29ish when the switch flipped that I knew I wanted kids. Still, there are a few good statistics floating around that suggest people are increasingly sticking to their guns when it comes to foregoing the opportunity to rear progeny, so even if I'd suspect people are more likely than not to change their minds from "no" to "yes," it's never something you should bank on, and I'd encourage anyone who's serious about the prospect of having children to take it pretty plainly at face value if someone's goals don't line up. What I will say is that, outside the biological choice having been taken away, I don't think I've ever met someone who went from "yes" to "no." But I'm sure plenty out there have. I also have to admit it's not the biggest habit of mine to get into conversations with people on their reproductive choices. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maew Posted March 12, 2018 Author Share Posted March 12, 2018 I think people change their mind plenty on children as time goes by, particularly as the excitement and accomplishment we get from our careers start to experience some diminishing returns and, frankly, we start to reflect a bit more into our own mortality and subsequent "purpose." Speaking personally, I went from "nope, not ever" in my early 20s to a "maaaaybe" into my mid-20s, and it was probably 28/29ish when the switch flipped that I knew I wanted kids. Still, there are a few good statistics floating around that suggest people are increasingly sticking to their guns when it comes to foregoing the opportunity to rear progeny, so even if I'd suspect people are more likely than not to change their minds from "no" to "yes," it's never something you should bank on, and I'd encourage anyone who's serious about the prospect of having children to take it pretty plainly at face value if someone's goals don't line up. What I will say is that, outside the biological choice having been taken away, I don't think I've ever met someone who went from "yes" to "no." But I'm sure plenty out there have. I also have to admit it's not the biggest habit of mine to get into conversations with people on their reproductive choices. This is exactly what I am thinking... have known people that have gone from no to yes, but very few the other way, unless it is biologically impossible for whatever reason. This is all helping me see it for what it is.... Thanks for all the responses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shessofly Posted March 12, 2018 Share Posted March 12, 2018 I know someone who got involved with a lady who had gotten her tubes tied and had no interest in un-tying them. He "wouldn't have minded" a kid and they talked about it extensively. She told him if that was what he really wanted then they needed to part ways because she did not tie her tubes to untie them. He loves her to bits and they got married last year and are very happy. Whether that lasts or grows into resentment remains to be seen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 Honestly, if he really wants kids, even if he started contacting you again, i would break it off with him. He pulled away because he wants kids but is coming close because you initiated more contact and he is probably very attracted to you. I think that if it came up this early that he really wants kids, it will only come to an end for the same reason. This is exactly what I am thinking... have known people that have gone from no to yes, but very few the other way, unless it is biologically impossible for whatever reason. This is all helping me see it for what it is.... Thanks for all the responses. Yes, people who really want kids don't go from yes to no -- they go from yes to accepting that it may not happen (a couple tries unsuccessfully for years, has a bunch of miscarriages, etc.). They "come to terms with it" -- or maybe they turn a certain age and "come to terms with it". But they do not set out to not have them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maew Posted March 13, 2018 Author Share Posted March 13, 2018 I just deleted his phone number etc. because I have ZERO self control and cant stop myself from sending him messages unless I do. I won't hold hope that he will change his mind :( This sucks ^%$& is all I have to say. :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 That sounds like a good move. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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