Been dating a man 21 years older than me. Please help.

[Hopelesslygone]

We started dating 5 years ago- yes he was married and I am working on my moral decisions I made.I was very young, still am, but then i was just starting my prime years of 21. Moved to a new state alone, took the first job I could get and was starting to rebuild my life after the abusive boyfriend I endured for years before I was able to get away. I don’t have any family and very small pool of friends. My first job In this new state is where I met him. Didn’t know he was married at first but did stay involved after I was aware. (Yeah I know, I’ve been working on my moral mistakes, trust me) anyway, he was very successful, beautiful house, 2 kids and a wife. He was 45. The deeper we kept going the stronger our bond became and the love kept growing. We were obsessed. Eventually found out he hasn’t been happy in his 16 year marriage as he said his wife is a great mother, but she didn’t show any love or affection and he slept on the couch the rest of his marriage after his second child was born. She spent quite a bit of money and communicated but didn’t love him or want physical contact. That’s how I found him (by him looking outside his marriage)

I endured years of secrecy, having to hide us obviously. My name in his phone was a guys name. When he would call me he would only call “restricted” he led me on like 99% of every case identical to this. So I became committed and said the cliche oh he will totally leave and we will be happy. It took nearly 4 years before he actually left.

 

He didn’t really leave on his own though. I had a mental breakdown from all the confusion and the tradegy in our relationship ( I had an abortion which I didn’t want, he did claiming I wasn’t ready to be a mom) he ended up coming to my place because I told him I’m done and leaving. He stopped me from getting out the door and eventually later that night his wife called asking where he is as this was their anniversary day. He confessed said he was with me and that they would talk about it later.

 

It came to the point where she came to me and told me if she ever sees me again she will kill me. I told him this, and heard nothing again for a month or so. He came to my house with a long written letter saying he needed me, he wanted to be with me and would leave her for sure. I eventually said ok, then found out the whole time he never spoke to me after that was because he was on a vacation with his kids...and wife to repair the marriage. I still let him stay with me. He said he was excited to start this life with me. He moved into my place. About a week later, he comes home angry and really upset. His wife served him divorce papers. So, she really left him. Who knows if he would have done it first. He says he should have now.

 

So, I supported and helped through the whole divorce. Found out things like he had an “emotional relationship” with a former co worker years before him and I met because again he looked outside the relationship. She lives in another state and they had phone and text contact. His wife found out about her. Soon after he moved in - I did too. Lots of flirty texts came In at the middle of the night. I demanded to know who it was and was devastated that it was the same one he got caught from his wife with 10 years ago. In the next hour she called his phone. He was sitting next to me and just stared at it. I told him to tell her it’s done. So he answered, told her they couldn’t speak anymore because he has a girlfriend. She then said some choice words and completely disappeared for our lives. He insisted it was purely emotional because he was in a lonely marriage and it was nice to talk to someone who appreciated him and that he told her years ago when his wife found out that they could only talk if they could be friends. Point to this is- I STILL stayed with him.

 

Went through the entire divorce, him getting his own apartment because courts would allow his children to see him if he lived with me. He got fired from his job because his wife told his employer he was having an affair and they are currently getting divorced. This led him to completely breakdown and he lost all his friends, his kids barely spoke to him and he became depressed. I moved into his apartment with him( however I had to hide EVERYTHING that was mine when they came over on his weekend and I had to find somewhere else to go, usually a hotel)

He then got a job in another state and in 3 months time I was supposed to move in with him. Which I told my employer and when 3 months, I had a replacement at my job and then the timeline got moved to 6 months as he was still in housing provided by work and kept saying he thinks he will be fired. So I kept my job, stayed, and he was fired 3 months later. Got a new job in now another state (his job pays very highly and is a specialty, it isn’t usually available on indeed.com)

 

So, I moved once again. Nothing but fighting every single day. I still have to leave every time kids come over as they are teens and even though the papers allow me to be there since we’ve been together last 6 months, he still “appreciates” that I leave and hide my things as his kids already hate him and want nothing to do with me.

 

He claims I’m selfish, I’m immature, I’m inconsistent and I’m invasive in his life when I ask about the kids or how much money we owe the divorce lawyer still. He says all he wants is a simple life, no drama, no fighting. But he says all I do is want drama and want to fight about everything and I make my own life and his extremely stressful. He yells at me when we fight now, never says sorry. He now says “f you” or “f off” in arguments. I have been shut down for awhile now and have had him walk out, say whatever and walk out or just plain not talk to me for days so I don’t feel I can talk about anymore.

 

He says he left for me, he has to suffer his decision of his kids hating him but he still stays positive for us and I’m negative and have a problem about everything. Says I’m the biggest martyr he knows and I’m a selfish brat. And that he “can’t take the chaos and the inconsistency, I don’t know how many times I have to say it.”

 

So. I feel I’ve lost my voice and have no power in the relationship. If I cry (which I did recently when he screamed how I’m selfish, how I’m awful, how i ruin every single thing I touch) I didn’t make a noise crying since I’m well trained now that crying makes him really angry and say hateful things about my character. He heard me sniffle and said “Are you seriously f*#¥&@ crying? You’re unbelievable, you are so f&@&! immature, this a joke”. That’s how he talks to me now. Never would say anything like that before the divorce.

I told him I feel he resents me for the divorce and that is has took such a huge toll on him that he is just angry all of the time. He denied this in anger, said it has nothing to do with the divorce or my kids, you have an issue with everything and you would rather waste time fighting, you need help”

OKAY, so if you got to the bottom of this, seriously thank you as it was a lot to tell to get the whole perspective out.

 

The most recent thing that happened as of yesterday was him yelling at me after a fight because I was cooling off and didn’t want to talk at that point in time. This made him mad, I got the F U the F off and just leave and move back.

He said “something is wrong with your brain”

“You don’t know how to process anything”

“You don’t know how to have a healthy relationship”

“You’re immature”

 

Im currently in a hotel as I had to leave after that fight and after I spent the day hiding my things and cleaning our house since they are now here for the weekend.

 

My question? After 4 years of good and this last year of awful mentally debilitating days, is this just 100% toxic and I need to get out? Or from what you’ve read, am I just too immature to be in this relationship with him?

I don’t know what hold he has on me to where I always stay and can’t get strength to leave. After all these years of being with him and al the names he called me, I think I actually believe there is something wrong with me and I’m the problem.

[jjkk]

It sounds completely toxic and the first 4 years weren't good, the whole thing sounds dysfunctional and awful. I hope you find the strength to say good bye for good and seek out some counseling to help you move past him and get a better perspective of yourself and your options in life. Hugs.

[MissCanuck]

My question? After 4 years of good and this last year of awful mentally debilitating days, is this just 100% toxic and I need to get out? Or from what you’ve read, am I just too immature to be in this relationship with him?

 

Eh - what?

 

OP, with all due respect, please go back and re-read your post. This has never been good. This has been a relationship built on lies, manipulation and control from the beginning. It's a relationship that destroyed a family and one in which you are so used to his emotional abuse and bullying that you pretend you don't exist to the people in his life. I guarantee you his kids don't know you're still in the picture, and it wouldn't surprise me to learn that he actually also has women over on the weekends you hide in a hotel.

 

So, yes, this is 100% toxic. He is the worst kind of man to get involved with, and his wife was very smart to divorce him. She can do a lot better, I am quite sure. He is a bottom-feeder and the reason you're still there is because you rely on him for validation and self-esteem. He is your measuring stick for your self-worth, and I suspect it's because he is all you believe you can have. This mess is a reflection of how you feel about yourself, really.

 

But girl, you are absolutely wasting your time and your prime years with this abusive loser. And your money - why do you ask how much "we" owe the divorce lawyer? Please tell me you are not helping him pay that. He is a middle-aged man, for heaven's sake.

 

Get out and get out now. Once you are free from this, you will see why he targets very young women who don't yet know better and don't have the life experience to really see around dangerous bends in the road. A woman his own age would have run in the opposite direction long ago. You're growing into that woman now, though, so expedite the process and end this so you can learn what love and respect actually look like. This is exactly the opposite.

[Hollyj]

Good God!

 

You have allowed this toxic situation all along. You are not a victim, but someone who has zero self esteem, and makes terrible decisions.

 

End this! Get professional help, and stay single for a long whine. This was bad from the very start. You are old enough to know better!

 

Lastly, he does not love or respect you!

[ThatwasThen]

This is what happens, more times then not when you end up with an affair partner. You don't know one another when all you have is stolen clandestine moments together. Well, you know him now and he's still the disgusting man he always was but you didn't spend enough time with him to figure that out.

 

Get out, this is not a mutually loving relationship and now that he can't just screw you and leave, he's miserable and abusive.

 

You should want better for yourself then to still be a secret to this douche bag's family. He doesn't even respect you enough to introduce you. You know you need to get away from him before he strips you of what little self-worth you have left. Just do it and don't look back.

[1a1a]

BEEEES, THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF BEES!!!!

 

Please find the courage to leave op, this isn't what love looks like and he deserves to be alone!

[melancholy123]

This is what happens, more times then not when you end up with an affair partner. You don't know one another when all you have is stolen clandestine moments together. Well, you know him now and he's still the disgusting man he always was but you didn't spend enough time with him to figure that out.

 

Get out, this is not a mutually loving relationship and now that he can't just screw you and leave, he's miserable and abusive.

 

You should want better for yourself then to still be a secret to this douche bag's family. He doesn't even respect you enough to introduce you. You know you need to get away from him before he strips you of what little self-worth you have left. Just do it and don't look back.

 

I agree with this and all of the other responses. This is a sick relationship you are in and you definitely need to leave and dont go back. Get yourself some therapy to learn how to be a better judge of character and how to find a decent person to share your life with. This man is not that guy. He's worn you down to the point you cant think straight.

[Smoothie58]

Even if he wasn’t treating you terribly, what would make you want to stay? Why would you think he wouldn’t do the same thing that he did to his wife to you? He went as far as to save you as a guys name in his phone. And he cheated on his wife prior to you. Obviously, this guy is sneaky, a liar, and doesn’t take commitment seriously so why waste your time with him?

[Jibralta]

It's 100% toxic and you need to get out. First of all, you are in an abusive relationship again. Secondly, your relationship is founded on something you knew to be immoral, and now it's causing you guilt and self-loathing. And he's taking advantage of that. He is probably a serial cheater. That load he gave you about his wife not being affectionate, and him sleeping on the couch was probably half true. The part that he left out was that she caught him cheating and probably treated her the same way that he's treating you: like sh-t.

 

You should leave this guy forever and go do something that makes you feel good about yourself.

[LootieTootie]

wow why do you settle for a middle-aged man who acts like a hormonal imbalanced teenager throwing hissy fits?

 

Get out now and don't look back

[SherrySher]

You need to be honest with yourself Op, this man is never going to respect you, never.

 

He used you when he was sad in his marriage, he is a complete liar and manipulative and cannot be trusted. Relationships that start off as affairs 99% of the time do not work, add into it the age difference and this was never going to happen.

 

He does not see you as an equal and he never will. He see's you as a child and someone who helped ruin his marriage and someone he resents. He keeps you around so he won't be alone but it is not love and it never was.

 

You need to pack your things up and get out and don't look back. Go stay with family and friends and delete him from your life.

 

It will only get worse, not better.