Women: would you date a Man who rarely hangs with his friends?

[Gibraltar]

I recently met a girl online and we just had our first date. Everything went very well and we will be going on a second one when she comes back from her trip.

 

The only issue I am having is that I rarely hang out with my friends anymore. By rarely, I mean I haven't been out drinking, gone to a sport event, etc. with any of them in over a year, however we do play in a pickup hockey league so I see them there. My question is, if you started dating a guy that rarely went out with friends, would this be a deal breaker?

 

On a positive note I do go out with my siblings and cousins every once and a while, but still not very frequently. The struggle of being an introvert.

 

BTW, I am 27 she is 25.

[abitbroken]

No. it wouldn't be a dealbreaker if you don't go to the bar with friends. You have friends and you see them - you play hockey with them. It shows that you have actual interests and are not a barfly. Why on Earth would that be a dealbreaker.

[reinventmyself]

No, it wouldn't be a deal breaker as long as you didn't expect me to be your `everything'

My experience is those who don't have outside interests or are not very social tend to want a lot of their partners time.

That's fine if you find your equal. But if the woman has a full life, she might resent if you expect her to give up some

of hers to fill up the void in your life.

In other words. You are fine the way you are. Just manage your expectations of who ever you date and make sure you two

compliment each other in preferences when it comes to togetherness.

[Capricorn3]

The only issue I am having is that I rarely hang out with my friends anymore. By rarely, I mean I haven't been out drinking, gone to a sport event, etc. with any of them in over a year, My question is, if you started dating a guy that rarely went out with friends, would this be a deal breaker?

 

The struggle of being an introvert.

I wouldn't say it's a deal breaker....BUT, it does have the potential to cause issues. I understand being an introvert etc, but what happens if she's an extrovert? What happens if she loves to socialise, be more outgoing, and just generally enjoys doing things, going places, etc etc? Will she have to do all of this alone because you won't join her? Could lead to incompatibility.

[Gibraltar]

Thanks for the responses everyone, I suppose this is just me overthinking the situation.

 

 

I wouldn't say it's a deal breaker....BUT, it does have the potential to cause issues. I understand being an introvert etc, but what happens if she's an extrovert? What happens if she loves to socialise, be more outgoing, and just generally enjoys doing things, going places, etc etc? Will she have to do all of this alone because you won't join her? Could lead to incompatibility.

 

I would definitely join. Really the reason I rarely hang out with my friends is that I don't really enjoy their company anymore, not so much because I don't like doing anything.

[SweetGirl28]

No, not a deal breaker. Just don't get clingy and needy with a future gf. Maintain your own interests.

[force]

She probably won't mind you not socializing with your friends much at first but later on IF you get into a relationship and you're always there and have no life outside of her it WILL eventually cause issues. You need to make her wonder about you and miss you sometimes. A good way to do that is to hang out with your friends. Don't neglect friends because if you make her the center of your life then you break up your friends may not be there for you. I seriously have several women friends who get irritated when their husbands or boyfriends are always hanging around. I hear "I wish he'd go hang out with friends more."

[Honeycomb8]

I hang out with friends several times a week so I would find it strange a guy doesn't hang with his friends. Not sure if it'll be a big deal breaker but I would be turned off. I like social guys.

 

I would also guess you aren't good friends with any of them? Is there a reason you haven't seen them in such a long time. I see most of my friends all the time, if not at least once a month.

[Batya33]

Back then I probably wouldn’t have found it strange because of the hickey league and itvalsi would have depended on what your job required of you and what you did with your free time. My husband used to hang with friends pretty often - game nights, sometimes dinners, karaoke. He didn’t do the bar scene and he is on the shy and introverted side. How about trying to meet new people through a sport or volunteer work? I totally get that you’re introverted but maybe you’ll enjoy socializing if it’s in conjunction with an activity you like.

[Capricorn3]

I forgot to mention that it would be a deal breaker for me IF he was the type who did nothing but stay home, watch TV and played video games 24/7 and had zero outside interests. Introvert? sure, no problem. But zero outside interests, no hobbies etc, I think that's very very off-putting.

[Gibraltar]

I hang out with friends several times a week so I would find it strange a guy doesn't hang with his friends. Not sure if it'll be a big deal breaker but I would be turned off. I like social guys.

 

I would also guess you aren't good friends with any of them? Is there a reason you haven't seen them in such a long time. I see most of my friends all the time, if not at least once a month.

 

I have been friends with a couple of them since kindergarten, so we are pretty good friends. It's just our interests have diverged over the past few years, in fact they rarely even hang out with each other. So instead, I began hanging out more with my siblings and cousins, who I have a lot more in common with (going to breweries, comedy shows, etc).

[Batya33]

I have been friends with a couple of them since kindergarten, so we are pretty good friends. It's just our interests have diverged over the past few years, in fact they rarely even hang out with each other. So instead, I began hanging out more with my siblings and cousins, who I have a lot more in common with.

 

I wanted to add that I think it's really sweet that you even thought about this -that you care about wanting to make a good impression and not appear clingy. I'm sure you aren't and I think she should find it cool that you're in a hockey league. Relatives can be friends too!

[abitbroken]

btw, there are a lot of people that don't socialize much, but wouldn't depend on their SO - i have hobbies, a side business, etc that causes me not to be hanging on my SO all the time. I would be turned off by a guy who had to go to the bar with groups three nights a week. If a guy had hobbies, was doing a side business and did a pick up hockey game with friends - that would be fine

[Hollyj]

I am social and so it would be a deal breaker, I would not want to hang out with my bf all of the time; I would hope that he would have multiple interests outside the relationship.

 

Why not make an effort to meet new people?

[Coolstorybro]

No, it wouldn't be a deal breaker as long as you didn't expect me to be your `everything'

My experience is those who don't have outside interests or are not very social tend to want a lot of their partners time.

That's fine if you find your equal. But if the woman has a full life, she might resent if you expect her to give up some

of hers to fill up the void in your life.

In other words. You are fine the way you are. Just manage your expectations of who ever you date and make sure you two

compliment each other in preferences when it comes to togetherness.

If she has a full life what the hell is she doing dating if she refuses to give up any time? Rather counter-productive.

[reinventmyself]

If she has a full life what the hell is she doing dating if she refuses to give up any time? Rather counter-productive.

Well now. You may have just given yourself away.

[IAmFCA]

btw, there are a lot of people that don't socialize much, but wouldn't depend on their SO - i have hobbies, a side business, etc that causes me not to be hanging on my SO all the time. I would be turned off by a guy who had to go to the bar with groups three nights a week. If a guy had hobbies, was doing a side business and did a pick up hockey game with friends - that would be fine

 

Ditto

 

Am dropping someone right now because I am too sporadic with him. And carrying forward with someone else who lives 45 mins away, works, coaches, and has kids like I do. But will make time to date and to travel. perfect. My longest lasting ex bf didn’t hang with his friends, but I hung with mine. Gave him quiet time when he wanted, and gave myself crazy time when I wanted. He was mostly happy to read a book.

 

People need to do what they want. I wouldn’t care one way or the other so long as he knew how to make himself happy.

[Honeycomb8]

I know exactly. You don't need to go bars. I have dinners, get brunch, have dessert days, watch movies and have parties. We sometimes hike or go dancing, or pizza or quiz nights. We don't drink much.

 

I think someone that just hangs out with family is...Questionable.

[Batya33]

If she has a full life what the hell is she doing dating if she refuses to give up any time? Rather counter-productive.

 

Well no the point is that you have a full life but like the other person so much that he enhances your full life and you want to share it with that person -you're not looking for that person to fill in something that's missing -unless you define being in an exclusive relationship as "something missing" - it's much better if the relationship enhances what is already full.

Example. My 8 year old's birthday is coming up soon. He goes to an after school program but only once a week. He asked me if he could go on his birthday too because they're doing an activity that day he really enjoys. We were going to pick him up from school a little early and celebrate with him. In one way I think "wow he doesn't want to be with his parents" and then I realize -no -he now has friends and activities apart from us and it's positive that he would rather be there so as not to miss out on the activity and celebrate with us later in the day or another time.

 

It's similar to what you're talking about - do you want someone who needs to be with you to fill a void in your life or do you want someone who chooses to be with you despite having a full and interesting life? And yes sometimes that will mean that she will choose her friends or an activity even on a significant day and balance that with being with you. The alternative is that you are her everything when it comes to being there for her during special and hard times and she has no one else to spend time with. Depends on the dynamic you want.

[Coolstorybro]

Well now. You may have just given yourself away.

That was just as intelligent as your original comment.

[Coolstorybro]

Well no the point is that you have a full life but like the other person so much that he enhances your full life and you want to share it with that person -you're not looking for that person to fill in something that's missing -unless you define being in an exclusive relationship as "something missing" - it's much better if the relationship enhances what is already full.

I read what they said, someone with a "full life" may resent giving up their life in order to spend with another person. What's the point of the relationship then?

 

Example. My 8 year old's birthday is coming up soon. He goes to an after school program but only once a week. He asked me if he could go on his birthday too because they're doing an activity that day he really enjoys. We were going to pick him up from school a little early and celebrate with him. In one way I think "wow he doesn't want to be with his parents" and then I realize -no -he now has friends and activities apart from us and it's positive that he would rather be there so as not to miss out on the activity and celebrate with us later in the day or another time.

Nothing here suggests spending time with your 8 year old would lead to resentment. In fact since he's your 8 year old I'd imagine you already spend time with him.

[katrina1980]

I read what they said, someone with a "full life" may resent giving up their life in order to spend with another person. What's the point of the relationship then?

 

 

A "full life" means you have friends, family, a job, career, interests and hobbies.

 

We still need "love" (romantic love) in our lives though, so having a partner would fulfill "that" need which can't be fulfilled through friends, family, job, hobbies, etc.

 

This isn't directed at you coolstorybro or anyone in particular, but I'm going to take issue with the notion that just because OP doesn't wish to hang out with friends anymore, that he's gonna be this needy, clingy parasite (exaggerating) demanding his gf spend all her free time with him.

 

I know a couple wherein one is extrovert, the other introvert they are both independent in their own right, she (the extrovert) enjoys going out and socializing with friends, and he (the introvert) has NO problem with that, they're not joined at the hip.

 

In fact, he enjoys his lone time when she's out doing her thing! Sometimes he may join her but he never expects her to give up who she is for him.

 

He understands her need for socializing and she understands his introverted nature and need for lone time.

 

It works for them!

 

That said if a person is the type who wants their partner to join them at every activity or social event, then it probably would not work.

 

In the OP's case, he said he would be happy to join her going out and such, so that would not be an issue.

 

To the OP, personally your not wanting to hang with your friends would not be a problem for me at all assuming our connection and chemistry was strong.

 

What *would* be an issue is if you became clingy, needy, expecting me to spend all my free time with you, because of it. But not getting that sense from you, so for me it would be fine.

[Hollyj]

I read what they said, someone with a "full life" may resent giving up their life in order to spend with another person. What's the point of the relationship then?

 

Nothing here suggests spending time with your 8 year old would lead to resentment. In fact since he's your 8 year old I'd imagine you already spend time with him.

 

 

Damn. What's your problem! I am assuming that you have zero outside interests?

 

I too, have a full life. I would also want a partner who has a full life, so that WE can share things together. I cannot imagine being with someone who stays at home all day, playing video games and being a recluse. This is not healthy.

[reinventmyself]

Damn. What's your problem! I am assuming that you have zero outside interests?

 

I too, have a full life. I would also want a partner who has a full life, so that WE can share things together. I cannot imagine being with someone who stays at home all day, playing video games and being a recluse. This is not healthy.

 

Thanks Holly. . .*Smirk

[Hollyj]

Thanks Holly. . .*Smirk

 

You made a legitimate point. I could not understand why he was being so rude.