Please help - 3rd date went from wonderful into a nightmare

[Batya33]

Worrying is one thing.

 

Falling into a depression, believing your whole world is falling apart, your life is over, going "mad" imagining every itch to mean your world has ended is something quite different altogether.

 

Herpes is most definitely manageable (see previous post), not to mention his own doctor has reassured him the chances of contracting are extreme remote!

 

That is what he is writing as he is feeling it -it doesn't mean this is how he reacts to everything and this might be the first time he was the victim of an assault (well, worse than an assault) and lied to by someone he thought was a potential person he wanted to be intimate with and date - the whole experience is a shock -it's not like he had sex with her knowing she had herpes and then regretted it - then at least he would have consented, been involved in the risk and had "buyer's remorse" -this whole situation has nightmarish qualities even if he ends up testing negative (which he most likely will!). And certainly people also can have phobias about illnesses and it doesn't mean their partners "dodged a bullet". I am not saying at all that he has a phobia or is overreacting -just giving an example.

 

She attempted to infect him for life with herpes. She knew what she was doing and what risk she was putting him under -yes even if she is "dormant". If she can't deal with a partner who reacts that way to being lied to, violated and victimized then she can find someone who doesn't care as much about his health -maybe someone who already abuses alcohol or drugs or likes risk taking. But most people don't like being lied to - like being slipped a drug or given a drink without being told what's in it even if they are risk takers. You victimize someone, you accept the consequences. She is very lucky he so far is not going to take any actions against her for what she did to him.

[katrina1980]

Thanks Bayta, still sticking with my original opinion though.

 

Getting off this thread now, good luck OP I hope everything turns out okay!

 

Try and stay positive if you can, negative thinking serves no good purpose and is toxic!

 

Stay strong.

[Batya33]

Thanks Bayta, still sticking with my original opinion though.

 

Getting off this thread now, good luck OP I hope everything turns out okay!

 

Try and stay positive if you can, negative thinking serves no good purpose and is toxic!

 

Stay strong.

That’s fine and hope you’re never the victim of assault or someone trying to drug or poison you (this is worse because often driving someone is temporary not permanent - she risked cussing him permanent lifetime illness ). Totally agree that the OP should not be overly concerned if he can possibly avoid it.

[reinventmyself]

Houslry be o early concerned in theclrsst if he can possibly avoid it.

 

need to get out my decoder ring

[katrina1980]

That’s fine and hope you’re never the victim of assault or someone trying to drug or poison you this is worse because often driving someone is temporary not permanent - she risked cussing him permanent lifetime illness ). Totally agree that the OP should not be overly concerned if he can possibly avoid it.

 

I wasn't going to respond anymore but need to respond to this.

 

Perhaps you've missed my previous posts but I "have" been assaulted and drugged (was out with a new guy, my drink was spiked with rohypnol and he sexually assaulted me).

 

I dealt with it. It wasn't easy but I persevered. I didn't fall into a depression, I never felt my world falling apart or that my life was over.

 

Life tosses us some pretty heavy curveballs sometimes and we just DEAL. Like balanced mature grown ups.

 

I am not telling OP how she "should" react, I am simply advising him that it's best to stop all the negative thinking and assuming the worst, and wait for the tests results.

 

And once again, given the reassurances by his doctors, the fact she was dormant, and that he used a condom, just like his own doctors have advised him, his chances of contracting are extremely remote.

 

And I may get blasted for this, but I completely disagree with your assessment that he was "assaulted." I was assaulted, hell I could have DIED as I had been drinking alcohol as well.

 

And I still didn't fall apart. Instead I persevered and actually became stronger for it and learned something from the experience.

 

Now if you insist on continuing this stance that he was "assaulted" that he is "victim," blah blah, go right ahead.

 

Like I said I do not think this helps him at all! It just perpetuates the negative thinking, which serves no good purpose and is toxic.

[SweetGirl28]

Worrying is one thing.

 

Falling into a depression, believing your whole world is falling apart, your life is over, going "mad" imagining every itch to mean your world has ended is something quite different altogether.

 

Herpes is most definitely manageable (see previous post), not to mention his own doctor has reassured him the chances of contracting are extreme remote!

 

Yes, it is manageable, it is not life threatening or a death sentence, but he still is carrying a lot of emotions

from this incident. It can be life changing for him. Add to that the guilt he's feeling and putting some self

blame for not asking. Hasd she had an active outbreak, maybe he still wouldn't have noticed because I can't tell you how many people when I worked in a clinic thought they just had chaffing from undergarments(sad but true, sigh) It's a tough lesson learned.

It's likely that most of us at one time or another had sex without asking the other person to go get a full panel STD test. We can all ask someone about current or prior STD's, doesn't mean they will be honest. Also there are certain types of STD's thst can be asymptomatic and passed on because the person doesn't even know they have one. But that's a whole different topic.

Lesson learned. Wait, and ask for testing and results shown. How many of us will do that?

[Batya33]

It is assault if you have sex with a person knowing you have an std and knowing he doesn’t know -then he’s not cosmetongcto brvtocihed by you on tjetvwayc/ he’s not agreeing to be put at risk of an std. that’s my understanding from what I’ve read. I was assaulted st work when a guy I worked with kissed me without my permission - came around my desk and leaned over my chair and kissed me. That’s assault too. I didn’t consent to be touched by him. That’s how it was explained to me. of course some assaults are worse than others - what she did to him is far worse because she put his health at risk potentially for his whole life.

I’ve been mugged and assaulted other times too. And I’m not going to judge his reaction. I agree it’s supportive and caring to suggest of him that hectry to get perspective. But to suggest that this woman who did this to him also dodged a bullet because of his reaction to her potentially infecting him with herpes. Just wow. I just cannot agree with that.

I never had sex before the guy was tested. This is different. If you know you have an std you’re obligated disclose it before intimate contact. At least morally and often legally too. And now I’m sure the op will do that so that’s good.

[katrina1980]

Batya, you and I could go back and forth until hell freezes over, can we just agree to disagree please?

 

I am okay with that, seriously; we just see things differently, that's all.

[greta96]

The one thing we know for sure is that she should have disclosed her status before you two had sex. She didn't, but I highly doubt it was done maliciously. It still took a lot of courage to do it when she did, she could have kept silent about it, as I'm sure a lot of people unfortunately do - hence the high rate of transmission.

But, OP... unless you have been tested for HSV before and got a negative result, if you do turn out to be positive for it, you have no way of knowing for sure you got it from her! You could have gotten it from your ex, or whomever you were with before that. This virus can stay dormant for many years, decades even, and you have no idea you have it - and possibly neither do these women. Also, according to my doctor, there are lots of false positives and false negatives, so even if say you got a negative result in the past, you may have still been infected.

 

Bottom line - you don't know. You may have been a carrier even before you had sex with her, just lucky to have been asymptomatic. You could also already have HPV, and there is no test for that one in men. I don't mean to scare you, but there are so many possibilities out there when it comes to this virus, and they are all so tricky, that you will go crazy if you obsess over it. It doesn't help that condoms don't really protect against it, as the virus could be present on any part of the body, you don't even have to have sex with someone to get it. Which also brings me to the other beef I have with this - the fact that she has it doesn't mean she was promiscuous or not careful. The only fool proof protection against this virus is complete abstinence. Not saying you shouldn't care, of course you should, but really, even in the worst case scenario, it's not the end of the world and definitely not something worth you going into deep depression over.

 

You have to figure out how much you like this woman - herpes aside - and if you can forgive the fact that she waited until mid-sex to come clean about carrying the virus. Truth be told, I'm not sure what I would do. The perceived deceit would anger me more than the herpes itself, as would her being so presumptuous as to think she knew beyond a doubt that you weren't going to get it.

[katrina1980]

Lesson learned for the OP.

 

Next time, before becoming sexually active with a woman, have a discussion. Ask her about STDs, or any other concerns you should be aware of. Get tested if necessary.

 

This is both of your responsibilities, not just hers.

 

That said, I understand things happen spontaneously and as you said yourself things got carried away. It happens, been there myself MANY times.

 

Neither of you were probably thinking too clearly and it just happened.

 

Half way through, she had the good sense to stop and tell you. Not the most ideal time to tell you, but better than waiting until it was over and then telling you.

 

Going forward from there, there is nothing to do now but be patient and wait for results.

 

And given your doctor’s reassurances, try and think positively.

 

Nuff said from me, good luck!

[reinventmyself]

This virus can stay dormant for many years, decades even, and you have no idea you have it - and possibly neither do these women. Also, according to my doctor, there are lots of false positives and false negatives, so even if say you got a negative result in the past, you may have still been infected.

 

.

 

Unless things have changed an STD panel does not include HSV unless you request it. . for this very reason.

Almost everyone has had chickenpox, which is in the same strain. There are a lot of false positives and undo anxiety caused by testing for it.

I don't recall the statistics but there are more people carrying it that are not symptomatic and do not know, than those that do know.

[greta96]

Unless things have changed an STD panel does not include HSV unless you request it. . for this very reason.

Almost everyone has had chickenpox, which is in the same strain. There are a lot of false positives and undo anxiety caused by testing for it.

I don't recall the statistics but there are more people carrying it that are not symptomatic and do not know, than those that do know.

 

This, exactly! My doctor has refused to even give me this test, because she said it wouldn't be conclusive either way and it would just lead to unnecessary worry. It's just too widely spread and there are too many variables involved. Plus there would be too many suspicions and accusations thrown around, when the only thing we know for sure is that the virus can remain dormant for decades so there is no telling who got it from whom.

[Batya33]

Batya, you and I could go back and forth until hell freezes over, can we just agree to disagree please?

 

I am okay with that, seriously; we just see things differently, that's all.

 

Of course - I was just responding to what you wrote.

[Batya33]

Yes, it is manageable, it is not life threatening or a death sentence, but he still is carrying a lot of emotions

from this incident. It can be life changing for him. Add to that the guilt he's feeling and putting some self

blame for not asking. Hasd she had an active outbreak, maybe he still wouldn't have noticed because I can't tell you how many people when I worked in a clinic thought they just had chaffing from undergarments(sad but true, sigh) It's a tough lesson learned.

It's likely that most of us at one time or another had sex without asking the other person to go get a full panel STD test. We can all ask someone about current or prior STD's, doesn't mean they will be honest. Also there are certain types of STD's thst can be asymptomatic and passed on because the person doesn't even know they have one. But that's a whole different topic.

Lesson learned. Wait, and ask for testing and results shown. How many of us will do that?

 

Pick me!! Always waited for test results and that also meant waiting till the HIV test was accurate (i.e. the three months).

[aroud]

Wow just woke up and checked into this thread.

 

OK I get it. Stop freaking out and get on with your life. Get off this forum possibly a bit harsh.

 

FYI I ended my marriage last year and a relationship of 7 years amidst serious physical stress symptoms to get out of a toxic relationship and you can take it from me that was f*** difficult and a lot of people would have just carried on. Like I said before I'm on the back of a messed up last year so please put that into context here. I've been trying to rebuild my life and that's been hard work and mentally tough so I'm sorry if I don't appreciate someone left fielding me with something I had not planned to also take on. That's been a huge problem.

 

I get it I will absolutely never in my life trust anyone like that again no matter how I feel about them.

 

I'm on here because I've got f***** no one where I am. Moved my entire life for said marriage. So that's why I'm here. Only reason. I'm alone OK. It's not a normal situation for me.

 

The conclusions are clear I was just sharing what the doctor said to me and what's happening but if that's going to cause an argument I will stop. I don't know why it's causing an argument to be honest.

 

There are people put there who can quickly reset and get on with their life and others who freak out wildly. No need to make it personal I didn't have a dig at anyone. Making blanket assumptions about someone's character make up is not right for a support forum.

 

How would I handle a real crisis? A few forum posts and someone's actual strength of character are not the same thing. You know nothing about me.

[Batya33]

i'm sorry you've been having such a hard time.

[katrina1980]

Thanks for further clarification and apologies if I offended. That was not my intention.

 

This is an “advice” forum wherein posters provide opinions and advice, which is all I was doing.

 

Yeah sometimes such opinions and advice can be a bit harsh for some posters, but we all mean well and have been BTDT in some form another.

 

Anyway, again apologies for offending. Good luck.

[katrina1980]

 

Get off this forum possibly a bit harsh.

 

 

Must've missed this earlier.

 

I think you may have misinterpreted. I only suggested you stay off the forum because I thought some of the posts were negative which I didn't believe were helping you. My intention was for you to try and remain positive! That negativity is toxic. I was actually trying to help you believe it or not. We all were.

 

Apparently you didn't interpret that way, which may be understandable; the written word can often be quite ambiguous.

 

Anyway, again good luck hope everything turns out okay.

[SherrySher]

Op, don't explain yourself. Everyone is different and everyone handles things differently. Some are stronger with somethings than others are...it doesn't mean anything at all.

I'm in your boat, if someone had an STD and I didn't know if I contracted it or not I would be freaking too! Does that make me weak or less than, etc? Nope, it just makes me, me.

Nothing wrong with that.

You've got support here and you've got people who understand where you're coming from. You've been through rough times and you survived and you will survive this too.

I hope you continue to come back and update us. I understand completely where you're coming from.

[aroud]

Op, don't explain yourself. Everyone is different and everyone handles things differently. Some are stronger with somethings than others are...it doesn't mean anything at all.

I'm in your boat, if someone had an STD and I didn't know if I contracted it or not I would be freaking too! Does that make me weak or less than, etc? Nope, it just makes me, me.

Nothing wrong with that.

You've got support here and you've got people who understand where you're coming from. You've been through rough times and you survived and you will survive this too.

I hope you continue to come back and update us. I understand completely where you're coming from.

 

Thank you so much. I am not everyone's cup for tea that's for sure. But yes only know how to be me as well.

 

I am having problems with breaking down for an hour or so every day. I am preparing for the worst and making plans for my life if I have it. I have been getting strange tingly feelings in my hands and feet for the past 2 days and my skin cracked somewhere so I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow. I am trying to be strong but my strength fails me sometimes and I cry. I know even in the worst case I will be okay and adapt to my life. Fragile moments come about now and then. I feel so ashamed for not being with it enough to not be in this situation but self loathing is my enemy. The loneliness in this situation is awful. Just someone to hug would make so much difference to me but there is nobody and I don't know why I'm living in this place anymore.

[Starlight925]

aroud, I completely get where you're coming from. When I had my HSV scare several years ago, I went nuts. I was ballistic. No, it's not a death sentence, but the fact that someone could so flippantly lie about something that could cause a permanent situation for another....well, it's considered criminal in many states.

 

We all handle things differently. This is a support forum, and you came here for support. I hope you will stick around.

[SweetGirl28]

Thank you so much. I am not everyone's cup for tea that's for sure. But yes only know how to be me as well.

 

I am having problems with breaking down for an hour or so every day. I am preparing for the worst and making plans for my life if I have it. I have been getting strange tingly feelings in my hands and feet for the past 2 days and my skin cracked somewhere so I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow. I am trying to be strong but my strength fails me sometimes and I cry. I know even in the worst case I will be okay and adapt to my life. Fragile moments come about now and then. I feel so ashamed for not being with it enough to not be in this situation but self loathing is my enemy. The loneliness in this situation is awful. Just someone to hug would make so much difference to me but there is nobody and I don't know why I'm living in this place anymore.

 

Oh my, can you move back to where you are from originally?

If you don't have to stay where you are not happy, then by all means don't.

 

Does your "skin cracked somewhere" mean on or near your genitals?

If you had a lesion erupt, it would be painful.

It can make tingling sensations in your feet because it resides along the nerves paths, but guess what? Pinched nerves

and a whole other slew of things can cause those sensations too! But yeah, because you're scared you will feel everything

is a symptom. Stay off google and only rely on a trusted medical doctor. Keep posting here, if it helps you.

That's what this place is supposed to be for.

[SherrySher]

Deep breaths, so far the doctor has told you that the chances of contracting this is extremely low, believe him. Try not to let your mind run away from you. Anxiety is good at making us feel symptoms.

Try to distract your thoughts on something else. You'll be okay.

[90_hour_sleep]

Bit of a heart-sinking feeling...

 

I dated someone who ended up finding out that she had herpes after we'd been seeing each other for a couple of months. One of those cases of someone who didn't know she had it. She had an ''outbreak'' (little bit like a pimple -- with tingling sensations -- on her bum cheek) while she was travelling for a month, and decided to see a doctor about it when she connected the dots to the one other experience in her life when she'd had the same thing (years prior). Tough conversation (and different than your circumstances), and I remember the sinking feeling when she told me about it. Wasn't anger for me (because she hadn't known about it), but a moment of panic mixed with a little bit of shame.

 

I'm pretty sure I had the same thoughts as you about every little bump for the next little while. But realistically, the odds were low (and they are for you too). I didn't contract it (after 3 years together). Even if somehow you managed to contract the virus, there's a huge chance that you'll never have symptoms; although, that doesn't mean you can't transmit it, which is perhaps the worse feeling. I think he point is, most people are terribly ignorant about herpes (and STIs in general). The fact that such a large percentage of carriers don't even know they have the virus (I believe it's 80-90%...something pretty high) is a testament to the fact that it's pretty manageable. And for the people that do have it, many only have one outbreak, and then nothing for years and years.

 

Doesn't take away from the feelings you're experiencing. Those are real. I think it's an opportunity though. Get informed. Herpes can be transmitted in less sexual ways. Just touching can be enough. Even sharing sheets. Less likely. But possible. People don't always get it from ''reckless'' sexual experiences. Some stats say that as high as 20% of women have herpes and don't even know it. I'd say that if you're happy to have sex with someone, then you need to make peace with those odds.

 

Personally, if I was really into someone and she told me she had herpes, it wouldn't be a deal breaker. And I owe that feeling largely to the fact that I spent so much time with someone who had it. It's got major taboo all over it.

 

You'll be fine. Ride the wave of feelings.

[Batya33]

Personally, if I was really into someone and she told me she had herpes, it wouldn't be a deal breaker. And I owe that feeling largely to the fact that I spent so much time with someone who had it. It's got major taboo all over it.

 

 

That's really comforting as far as his chances of contracting it. She lied to him and didn't tell him until he'd been exposed through intercourse. Your girlfriend didn't know. Huge difference IMO.