Please help - 3rd date went from wonderful into a nightmare

[90_hour_sleep]

Anxiety and stress are largely under-appreciated in the modern medical world. Keep in mind that the various systems of the body are linked. Physiological responses to prolonged stress can produce many immune and hormone responses in the body. If there is a perceived threat (real or not), the body will continue to respond. If you're in a constant state of stress, it can't return to homeostasis.

 

Have you considered talking to a counsellor about the anxiety? It's been triggered by these recent circumstances...but perhaps its a more persistent theme in your life. Have you ever tried mindfulness techniques, meditation, breathing, relaxation? Bringing awareness back to your body, especially when you're feeling worked up and have a background dialogue of repetitive and often self-fulfilling thoughts.

 

Just a thought. MDs typically have very little knowledge or training when it comes to discovering the roots.

[aroud]

Anxiety and stress are largely under-appreciated in the modern medical world. Keep in mind that the various systems of the body are linked. Physiological responses to prolonged stress can produce many immune and hormone responses in the body. If there is a perceived threat (real or not), the body will continue to respond. If you're in a constant state of stress, it can't return to homeostasis.

 

Have you considered talking to a counsellor about the anxiety? It's been triggered by these recent circumstances...but perhaps its a more persistent theme in your life. Have you ever tried mindfulness techniques, meditation, breathing, relaxation? Bringing awareness back to your body, especially when you're feeling worked up and have a background dialogue of repetitive and often self-fulfilling thoughts.

 

Just a thought. MDs typically have very little knowledge or training when it comes to discovering the roots.

 

The reading I did about anxiety and stress, and the stress response really did resonate with me. The symptoms are far less now, coinciding with overall lower stress levels.

 

Mentally I do need help, I did even before this, I can admit that. It's been suggested by my family and people on here that I need to return home to a place where I can be with people who can comfort me in times of need. Doing this solo is a horror show.

 

But thank you, you are right in that everything is connected. When the tingling went beyond that into physical soreness, my collarbone hurting for an hour, and then shooting pains in my stomach, I did wonder what on earth was going on.

[aroud]

Warning, this is long, but I needed to write it...

 

This morning after another difficult day yesterday, I am writing this to share my experience in the ‘not knowing’ zone. I’m going to cover my situation, and how my logic is working, my plan over the next few months, and how this has profoundly changed by outlook on life, myself, and how I treat others.

 

This is day 13 following exposure. Here is a summary of how I responded to being exposed.

 

The first 3 days were the worst. Since my personal situation was already extremely difficult, this extra layer almost put me over the edge – and yes that means suicidal thoughts – because of pure mental torture that passed too many thresholds – i.e. I can’t take ‘this’ (being life and all the that happens within it) anymore. I’ve already been in a war for the past 12 months. Having to prepare for another one. The thought of it made me sick.

 

Crying every day, breaking down (last 2 days have not broken down fortunately - small victories), not knowing if I have it, trying to educate myself via forums and the internet, being alone due to my circumstances (literally no friends here physically folks), and working in a consistently demanding job where I have to be a strong leader. My parents over the phone thousands of miles away are worried sick about me and want me to go home, and it's a pretty sane idea.

 

After 5 days I start getting tingling in my feet, hands, groin area, spreading to legs, torso. I had no idea what was going on. Forums indicate this could be mild symptoms, the calm before the outbreak. Anxiety increases.

 

After 6 days I see a pimple (like an insect bite) on my inner left thigh, which forums indicate might be mild symptoms also. Anxiety continues.

 

After 7 days a crack in my skin appears on the tip of my penis, which I get swabbed 24 hours later on day 8. Anxiety at this point is still 100% percent, and I can barely compose myself without breaking down on the way to doctors. I’m not sure how I’m holding it together.

 

After 10 days my test result comes back negative. I don’t know what is going on at this point. When the result arrived in my in-box panic set about my whole body with adrenaline rushes. Even after seeing the negative result, my body is awash with tingling, almost everywhere now, including my head, my face, my torso. For a couple of minutes I also get a short stabbing pain to the left of my stomach, completely new symptom. My left collarbone is sore for literally an hour in the evening.

 

On day 11 I see a general doctor about what I have identified as neuropathy, strongly associated with the virus from what I can tell. The doctor gets a download from me on what has been happening, and tells me that prodrome symptoms don’t happen on first outbreak (which I can’t substantiate on forums) – they are not concerned and tell me to calm down and give it a few days. They cannot explain the shooting pain in the left side of my stomach. That evening I get the pain again, then get tingly stabbing pain around the skin on my chest bone. In the evening I look up the symptoms of anxiety, and note that all the tingling, all over my body, and pains, could match up if that was where my belief was directed.

 

Day 12. By now I’m much further down the road regarding coming to terms with the possibility I might have it. I have been reflecting on how much I have to offer, the fact that despite my best intentions I could have the virus and know I can’t crucify myself for it, and am thankful it’s not a terminal disease. I can still live, and there are lots of people out there on specialist dating sites – so it doesn’t have to be the end of love either. I sense there is a way to carve out a life even if I have it. Now I am anxious to know which road I have to travel down, but I have to wait, stuck at a junction.

 

Day 12 is also a nightmare, because in the morning I get a sting on my right inner thigh and see a pimple. This I figure might be the virus, and I am panicking, but decide to go for a run as planned. I get back from a run and see whiteheads around my groin area inner thigh, both sides. What looks like water under the skin, then turn into whiteheads. The initial pimple, and the whiteheads have gone 24 hours later. They were uniformly dispersed over a large area, and match every description of heat rash. But I felt the panic again. Pimples from the virus are supposed to burst and then heal over, not disappear completely as if they were never there, my logic brain tells me.

 

But overall on Day 12 my anxiety is lower, because I have the scaffold of plan to activate if I have the virus. I was only days ago convinced I had it.

 

On day 13, today, I concede that there are going to be further scares just like this, for the foreseeable future (next 3-6 months) until I know if I have the virus one way or another.

 

My timetable now consists of getting a blood test on day 20, which I understand to be around 50% accurate, and then again on 12 weeks, and once more on 6 months. Logically the anxiety should reduce in the event of any negative test, although not be 100% certain.

 

If I can find any other physical symptom, I will go to the doctor to get it swabbed. I have looked all over my genitals and I cannot see anything which looks like a sore. Just the healing crack in my skin which swabbed negative.

 

During the time ahead I will continue living, but this has fundamentally changed my outlook on relationships and myself, forever.

 

If I do have it, the huge responsibility of letting people know I have it, when dating. It is not optional, or anything to be casual about – even if you think you’re good at managing it. You are making a huge assumption with the mental state of someone if you submit them to risk without saying something. The truth is you don’t know what is happening in someones head, what they’ve been through, and how they will respond. Through myself I have seen what has happened, and reading forums the effect on some people is devastating – where seemingly no amount of reassurance, via forums or trained professionals, gets them into the “I’m ok” stage.

 

I need to be more loving and accepting of myself. Not least because I might have the virus. Self esteem is going to be hugely important to get on with life with the virus. Forgiving myself is also going to be crucial. On occasions I would wince at the thought of how careless I thought I’d been, assuming protection would mean I’m 100% safe, and just not knowing about the virus at all (how foolish I feel). That’s what happened, and I can’t turn the clock back, but I must forgive myself.

 

Love is not over for me, or anyone with the virus. The sheer number of people who have got it at zero fault of their own, is staggering. There are so many people still dating and looking for love, and it’s not hard to find people on forums who have found love. For all I know, dating from a reduced size pool of people, could be much better for my chances of finding love. This is the topic where I’ve had the most problems, and probably one of the biggest causes of distress for everyone in this situation, I guess.

 

In future I would certainly ask someone straight up, before getting physical, if they had any STDs and when their last test was. I’m in two minds regarding insisting on a full STD check, but if someone didn’t want to do that, no great loss. Even if I have the virus, after the trauma of this experience, I could not tolerate any further viruses. Peace of mind is so incredibly precious to me, especially after this. The sheer percentage of people with STDs is higher than I anticipated.

 

This is a huge wake up punch in the face for me and I am fundamentally changed by my experience. Being alone and vulnerable makes you crave comfort and intimacy, but with that comes a huge risk. Those you encounter may not be so concerned about risking your health, even if you’ve dated them a few times. Ask those straight questions at the very least, and if you’re unsure, reserve the right to back away. Do yourself a favour, but always be compassionate towards others.

[aroud]

I'm sorry I'm advance if I've offended anyone or it sounds like I'm not a nice person. I had this stupid idea it might help in some way but now I just think it was a mistake and I wish I could delete it. I just want to say sorry and I know I'm struggling with this and things generally. I am determined to get back on track and have so much respect for people who have coped and been through it. Trying to pick a path of survival mentally for myself before I can move on. I promise you I'm not a horrible person and can understand almost anything somebody goes through. I actually lament this horrible thing about me where some people take a real dislike to me from the outset and I try not to let it bother me but it always has. I am truly sorry everyone.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs, I don't think you would have offended anyone. I'm just so sorry for what you are going throypugh. I think if you canto home to your family, even for a holiday that will be a good idea. Mi think your chances of being infected are low, but I understand your anxiety. Xx

[aroud]

Hugs, I don't think you would have offended anyone. I'm just so sorry for what you are going throypugh. I think if you canto home to your family, even for a holiday that will be a good idea. Mi think your chances of being infected are low, but I understand your anxiety. Xx

 

Thank you. I am just crying again. This is rediculous. Actually means so much for you to say this about me not offending. I'm trying really hard to sort my head out and dispel fear of the future.

 

A holiday would be good. Easter I will go away for a week. Thank you so much again. I should probably get a therapist.

[SherrySher]

You're not offending anyone at all. But yes, please see someone to help you cope with the anxiety, you don't need to suffer so badly. I too believe that you don't have herpes but are worrying yourself.

Hang in there, we are still here for you.

[aroud]

You're not offending anyone at all. But yes, please see someone to help you cope with the anxiety, you don't need to suffer so badly. I too believe that you don't have herpes but are worrying yourself.

Hang in there, we are still here for you.

 

Thank you, this means a lot. I am going to try to relax for a couple of days unless something happens of significance. I need to take my mind off this somehow. Logically working through my situation has helped. I hope to find a good therapist or counsellor to help get through the time ahead. You've been so kind. :)

[greta96]

I will say this - the mind is a very powerful organ, and if you feed it enough ammunition, it will make sure to reproduce everything into reality.

Example: in my 20s I had a huge fear of HIV (and I am a hypochondriac). Even though the odds of me having contracted it from my extremely limited sexual exposure were extremely slim, I worried, obsessed, pretty much like you do. I read everything i could on HIV symptoms, and lo and behold, soon enough I started exhibiting ALL those symptoms! I don't even know how it was possible, because I was 100% healthy and I didn't even have a cold, but my fever spiked up and most of my lymph nodes got enlarged and painful! Out of nothing, there was nothing causing this but my own mind and power of suggestion. This of course lead me to even bigger anxiety, so I ended up taking a test every week or so! They eventually started telling me that I may need a totally different type of test and treatment, if you know what I mean. All medical providers thought I was going crazy because there was nothing wrong with me, and yet every day I had more symptoms!

 

So what I'm saying is that you really need to try and relax, because if you keep looking for signs and symptoms, you'll find them even if there's nothing bad going on. Being a hypochondriac, I know how hard that is. What worked for me was doing my best to push the obsessive thoughts out of my mind, as soon as they popped in. If I let them fester more than a few seconds, they'd stay rooted in my brain for hours and amplify themselves, which went on until I ended up back at the clinic for yet another test. Once I managed to keep those thoughts away for longer than a few hours, things improved and it all became easier. My symptoms cleared up, as they were psycho somatic and not real.

 

I still get like this, but very rarely, and when I do I try to not dwell.

 

Stop looking at your body and expecting to see things. Tell yourself that you will re-test in 3 months, and then you'll know. Then again in 6 months, for peace of mind. But until you take those tests, try not to think about it, not to look at your body, not to re-live scenarios in your head and not to read up on the net. You already educated yourself about this virus, enough. Now stop reading about it. Live your life and know that the answers will be coming soon.

 

Living with hypochondria and health OCD is not fun, but it's mind over matter really. And it helps that nowadays even in the worst case scenarios, there are still things you can do to go on living a healthy, normal life.

 

PS - fun fact: on my recent HIV test the doctor made sure to show me my testing history, and said it resembles very closely that of a person of a certain occupation (if you know what I mean). God knows what my doctor thinks I'm doing lol... he probably has no idea that my sex life is in fact pretty bland haha

[katrina1980]

@Greta, very true. Mind over matter.

 

The brain definitely has the power to manipulate the body's physiology. Researchers are continuing to find evidence that this is real and true.

 

I've struggled with anxiety myself. Real bad! It's under control now but not without a lot of hard work. Exercise helps, A LOT, especially yoga; aroud have you tried that? You would not believe how calming it is, seriously.

 

I do yoga ever morning. Ten minutes before work.. Sometimes longer if I have time.

 

If I don't, I can really feel the difference, anxiety and stress increase.

 

Please seek help. You may have a slight chemical imbalance since you said you struggled with mental issues even before the herpes scare.

 

An anti-anxiety or anti-depressant would help balance things out. Just a suggestion, cause it really sounds like you're struggling.

 

I am actually shocked your doctors have not prescribed for you. Surely, they must have noticed!

 

I don't want to scare you, but many years ago, right before I was diagnosed with bipolar2, my anxiety was so bad I didn't sleep for 5-6 days, ended up having a sort of *breakdown* and had to be hospitalized. And was placed on meds to balance out the chemicals in my brain that was causing all the anxiety.

 

Took a couple of weeks to kick in but I felt so much better! Wow what a difference, I am remembering. I feel like those meds saved my life!

 

I am off them now and manage anxiety/moods in other ways. Like yoga, healthy diet and fighting off negative thinking.

 

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck and hope you feel better soon!

 

Continue posting here if it helps.

[Silverbirch]

Op, I have suffered from anxiety on and off most of my life. I recently changed medication due to increased anxiety related to under-employment and the financial worries that cone with that. I had a major panic attack whilst in the doctors surgery and my blood pressure was found to be dangerously high due to the anxiety. Fortunately, I seem to be getting more work bit by bit so hopefully, my anxiety will go again at least for a while. Anxiety can literally be a killer so it's not something we should hope will just go away on its own if it's debilitating.

 

I also recently began taking Vitamin B and Fush soil tablets,mand earring more fish. I'm getting plenty of sleep too, and all this is helping.

 

This was a very disappointing thing to happen. Do you think though that the recent incident with this woman may have triggered other fears you have, and so made it all seem so much worse. Xxx

[boltnrun]

OP, it seems no matter how many times you get negative test results you refuse to believe you don't have herpes.

 

Why do you torture yourself like this?

[Silverbirch]

So anyway I just want to say how I'm doing here generally. Not good. I have these flashbacks of the night and moments where I absolutely hate myself for being so stupid - but then other moments where I'm less hard on myself, and I just don't know which is right. I keep ending back in the same place where I'm like - I don't actually know if I have this thing or not, so I can't assume - and until I know, it's difficult to live through it.

 

I know that anger won't help, self hate won't help, regret won't help. All I can do is exist until I know if I have it or not, and I've made up an estimate of waiting 20 days since contact to get a test - which seems to be around the upper limit, which should give me a degree of certainty.

 

There are lots of other posts on here about it, and lots of anecdotal evidence of women who suppress the virus and are careful - and as a result don't pass it on to their partners. I believe she is truthful about how careful she is, but I don't know her that well, so can't rely on it. All I know is I did use protection, and that's in my favour.

 

But overall am I coping with this - barely. My forward plans have been put on hold. I've actually had a tough last 12 months rebuilding my life after a long relationship and marriage, and where I'm living now I have no friends - being in a very demanding job that takes a lot out of me. Basically no social support network to speak of. I was not primed to be able to cope with this, and honestly don't think I have the means to cope with the worst case scenario. That's a sobering thought, but I'm trying to avoid the negative emotions, or indulging in them at least.

 

If I am lucky enough to get through this, I will have learnt a valuable lesson. Whatever happens, this has changed me as a person in a profound way. I will never look upon sex in the same way again, or ever again be so trusting in someone. And that makes me the most sick about this, because although it was only 3 dates, we shared so much and my god I did trust her. But what does that say about me? It says I'm not half as clever as I thought I was. To put myself at risk when mentally I am so vulnerable - this is completely insane. But perhaps all this adversity left me so desperate for a loving connection that I could not think straight. And when I think like this, I can't seem to beat myself up too much - because I know what I've been through this past year and I don't know how I came through it without losing it or de-railing. I'm also in disbelief but this is the reality. Kind of like a bad dream, but all this is real.

 

I look at the calendar and think how can I make it that far in this limbo state? I'm not equipped to deal with this, and I'm genuinely worried for my mental well being.

 

OP, it seems that early in your post, you wrote of the emotional issues this has brought up for you. It sounds like you have been through so much over this last year, but you have had some real gains. Obtaining some well-earning and stable employment and moving on from a marriage which wasn't working are big positives for you. At some point, if you choose, you could apply for work closer to your family and friends - a job that is not so demanding.

 

Sending you some mental chicken soup, and tucking you into a comfortable bed for a nice deep sleep. X

[aroud]

I will say this - the mind is a very powerful organ, and if you feed it enough ammunition, it will make sure to reproduce everything into reality.

Example: in my 20s I had a huge fear of HIV (and I am a hypochondriac). Even though the odds of me having contracted it from my extremely limited sexual exposure were extremely slim, I worried, obsessed, pretty much like you do. I read everything i could on HIV symptoms, and lo and behold, soon enough I started exhibiting ALL those symptoms! I don't even know how it was possible, because I was 100% healthy and I didn't even have a cold, but my fever spiked up and most of my lymph nodes got enlarged and painful! Out of nothing, there was nothing causing this but my own mind and power of suggestion. This of course lead me to even bigger anxiety, so I ended up taking a test every week or so! They eventually started telling me that I may need a totally different type of test and treatment, if you know what I mean. All medical providers thought I was going crazy because there was nothing wrong with me, and yet every day I had more symptoms!

 

So what I'm saying is that you really need to try and relax, because if you keep looking for signs and symptoms, you'll find them even if there's nothing bad going on. Being a hypochondriac, I know how hard that is. What worked for me was doing my best to push the obsessive thoughts out of my mind, as soon as they popped in. If I let them fester more than a few seconds, they'd stay rooted in my brain for hours and amplify themselves, which went on until I ended up back at the clinic for yet another test. Once I managed to keep those thoughts away for longer than a few hours, things improved and it all became easier. My symptoms cleared up, as they were psycho somatic and not real.

 

I still get like this, but very rarely, and when I do I try to not dwell.

 

Stop looking at your body and expecting to see things. Tell yourself that you will re-test in 3 months, and then you'll know. Then again in 6 months, for peace of mind. But until you take those tests, try not to think about it, not to look at your body, not to re-live scenarios in your head and not to read up on the net. You already educated yourself about this virus, enough. Now stop reading about it. Live your life and know that the answers will be coming soon.

 

Living with hypochondria and health OCD is not fun, but it's mind over matter really. And it helps that nowadays even in the worst case scenarios, there are still things you can do to go on living a healthy, normal life.

 

PS - fun fact: on my recent HIV test the doctor made sure to show me my testing history, and said it resembles very closely that of a person of a certain occupation (if you know what I mean). God knows what my doctor thinks I'm doing lol... he probably has no idea that my sex life is in fact pretty bland haha

 

Thank you so much for sharing that greta. I also had some strange HIV fear in my 20's believe it or not, perhaps a sign of the times but also OCD symptoms - which I do get sometimes. And yes, it makes it hard to differentiate obsession from reality. That aside, you're right in that the vision should concrete - test on 3 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, and any actual sore if necessary.

 

It has been rather hellish picking nuances of my body which I know about, and setting them aside from the virus theorem. E.g. normal itching versus worrying itching.

 

The doctors seem slightly amused by my panic, but the panic is real. The past day, as you've suggested, I've stopped searching my body for 'things'. 2 days ago I looked at my body, taking photos to see if I could see anything. About 30 minutes, and I couldn't see anything that looked like sores. Every single day I'm alive there will be at least one area of skin which looks a bit red, but you can't go to the doctor every time you see that - which is what I tell myself.

 

All roads lead back to sitting it out and getting on with my life. It sounds like you understand exactly what this is like, and thank you again. :)

[aroud]

@Greta, very true. Mind over matter.

 

The brain definitely has the power to manipulate the body's physiology. Researchers are continuing to find evidence that this is real and true.

 

I've struggled with anxiety myself. Real bad! It's under control now but not without a lot of hard work. Exercise helps, A LOT, especially yoga; aroud have you tried that? You would not believe how calming it is, seriously.

 

I do yoga ever morning. Ten minutes before work.. Sometimes longer if I have time.

 

If I don't, I can really feel the difference, anxiety and stress increase.

 

Please seek help. You may have a slight chemical imbalance since you said you struggled with mental issues even before the herpes scare.

 

An anti-anxiety or anti-depressant would help balance things out. Just a suggestion, cause it really sounds like you're struggling.

 

I am actually shocked your doctors have not prescribed for you. Surely, they must have noticed!

 

I don't want to scare you, but many years ago, right before I was diagnosed with bipolar2, my anxiety was so bad I didn't sleep for 5-6 days, ended up having a sort of *breakdown* and had to be hospitalized. And was placed on meds to balance out the chemicals in my brain that was causing all the anxiety.

 

Took a couple of weeks to kick in but I felt so much better! Wow what a difference, I am remembering. I feel like those meds saved my life!

 

I am off them now and manage anxiety/moods in other ways. Like yoga, healthy diet and fighting off negative thinking.

 

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck and hope you feel better soon!

 

Continue posting here if it helps.

 

Katrina, you're an anxiety sufferer too? Yes, my last 12 months have been full of anxiety about getting my life back in order. Personal life, work, and it's been constant - working extremely hard to find calmer waters. I would not be surprised if my nervous system and stress response is burnt out, or dysfunctional right now. Certainly what I read about the neuropathy suggests my body is stuck in stress mode and can't switch out of it.

 

It was about 14 months ago when my marriage was at its breaking point that work and personal matters meant I was a nervous wreck and wanting to cry every day, even at the gym I was crying once which was a first for me. I remember seeing the doctor about chest pains, sort of tingling, which I'd never felt before - and at that time I was not scanning my body at all for problems. I remember also getting candida out of nowhere for a week, which I put down to stress. Beyond that time, there has not been any let up on the pressure I have felt in my life. Every week has felt like a battle which I needed to prep for, and still it goes on now but on a different landscape. How many months of anxiety have I gone through now, probably 17 months in total since my marriage started breaking down and job stress started increasing. That's a lot of months. Maybe my physiology is at breaking point?

 

I had a pretty awful breakdown myself about 12 years ago, which took a long time to come back from until I found some stability and got work and personal life back on track. At that time I took meds for depression and anxiety - which was horrendous at the time, which really helped until I felt able again. I feel like I'm in the same reconstruction stage now.

 

Sorry to hear of your troubles, and so good that you have found a way to deal with it. I swear by exercise every weekend, and actually just came back from the gym as a favour to my body. Mentally I cope much better with regular exercise too.

 

Hey so the doctors have not given me anything for anxiety or depression. I have told them straight what I'm going through but they've not advised anything yet.

 

I sleep fine, and would not say I'm depressed, but I don't think I'm objective enough - because clearly I'm having a great deal of trouble just coping. Maybe it is because in the last year I've normalised struggling mentally. It's just been me vs everything for so long I just sort of get on with it, but my 'getting on with it' is actually someone really struggling. People on the outside don't see it - but that's always the case with mental issues - it's silent and you just don't know who is going through what.

 

Yoga - maybe I will start that. There are lots of meetup groups near me where you can do yoga in a group. I will have to try it -I will try anything to get back to some kind of normality.

[aroud]

OP, it seems that early in your post, you wrote of the emotional issues this has brought up for you. It sounds like you have been through so much over this last year, but you have had some real gains. Obtaining some well-earning and stable employment and moving on from a marriage which wasn't working are big positives for you. At some point, if you choose, you could apply for work closer to your family and friends - a job that is not so demanding.

 

Sending you some mental chicken soup, and tucking you into a comfortable bed for a nice deep sleep. X

 

My god thank you so much. You, greta, katrina - you are making a real difference to my day, helping me cope. I read this and started to cry (again).

 

It is true I have made progress in turning things around. That was one of the thoughts that made this current ordeal so hard, because nobody would believe me if I told them how hard it has been. You just don't see it from the outside looking in, always the way right?

 

I am seriously thinking about moving once I've got through this year, one step at a time. Everyone has been so kind here, really moves me.

[aroud]

Thanks so much for the replies today - really gave me a lift. I am getting through each day, and trying to get back to normal. Went to the gym today, and it felt good.

 

I still get this weird neuropathy, not so widespread now. End of my toes and fingers every 30 minutes or so, and even in my right eye today which was very strange. My nervous system I am sure has buckled recently and not back to normal. Only by living healthy, exercising, and staying calm can I get my nervous system back to normal.

[SherrySher]

You, greta, katrina -

 

Gee, thanks ;p

[aroud]

Gee, thanks ;p

 

Oh god I'm an idiot Sherrysher well and truly :(

 

I mean you as well good lord...

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Aroud. Yes, they don't speak about "nerves" here like they used to. I'm late 50s and I remember people from my parents and grandparents era talked about that a fair bit. I'm certain that sleep is considered very very important too. I do recall a best-selling book a few decades back on this subject. I will see if I can find some info xx

[Silverbirch]

I am positive that I had one of her books about 30 years ago, and I need to get another copy. They are available on Amazon, but here is some info on her methods. I'm dying to go back and read the reviews at Amazon because I'm certain there are quite a lot and it has a 5 star rating.

 

https://www.calmclinic.com/treatmentclaire-weekes

[aroud]

I am positive that I had one of her books about 30 years ago, and I need to get another copy. They are available on Amazon, but here is some info on her methods. I'm dying to go back and read the reviews at Amazon because I'm certain there are quite a lot and it has a 5 star rating.

 

https://www.calmclinic.com/treatmentclaire-weekes

 

Hey thanks I will take a look. Had a good chat with my dad back home lastnight. Watching myself talk about things I am definitely in a better place than I was, and that's progress I'm happy for to be honest. There is a big life reset coming up, and I really feel like I need to look after myself and just configure this life properly over the next 6 months. I'm not interested in dating anymore. It just seems so far away from anything important I need to be considering right now.

 

My mind has been wondering about these tingling feelings which started up again lastnight. Other possibility includes some kind of allergic reaction to detergent, since it's all over my body. Changing detergent is something I can actually do, so may as well. I only recently started using a new one (4 weeks ago) so it's possible. At least this possibility doesn't freak me out.

 

I examined myself lastnight and still can't see anything, or feel anything sore in my genital area anywhere. So there's nothing I can get anyone to look at or swab.

 

Back to relaxing today.

[Silverbirch]

Hi OP,

I had missed your last reply and good to read of big improvement. Yes could be detergent. How are you?

[aroud]

Hi OP,

I had missed your last reply and good to read of big improvement. Yes could be detergent. How are you?

 

Hey Silverberch - thanks for checking in on me :)

 

Mentally I've been ok the past couple of days because I've been immersed in my work. Actually Tuesday I did an 11 hour day almost, and I meant I wasn't thinking of the worst. My work has really helped me this week, one day at a time. In the evenings I watch something on TV or play video games, which takes my mind off things.

 

I am still getting nerve issues around my body, not just hands and feet, but legs, face sometimes, and this evening something new ... A really SHARP pain for about 5 seconds in the tip of my left big toe. It really hurt and I had to take my sock off to have a look. I could not see anything. It felt like glass in the end of my toe, or a sharp pin. Never felt that before. :(

 

And actually I've been switching off from the nerve tingling over my body the past few days because there is zero I can do about it. However it's still happening.

 

So with all these nerve symptoms, I need to find out what is going on with my body - in case there is some degenerative condition, rather than just let it get worse. I don't know why this has all started the past couple of weeks at the same time as what was basically a nervous breakdown.

 

I could have posture issues, footwear issues, maybe it's from running. No idea. Seeing a specialist will help figure that out.

 

I still have moments where I get scared or fall into regret about how I've lived my life. I have been trying to find a therapist too, no luck yet, but will keep on this.

[90_hour_sleep]

^^

 

I think ''nervous breakdown'' is essentially the answer to the physical manifestations you're experiencing. Your nervous system is under full alert...responding accordingly...trying to protect against the ''threat'' (which doesn't actually exist at this point). This affects hormones. It affects the immune system. It affects every system in your body. Your body is completely stressed, and the stress response is wreaking havoc. Your body wants to return to homeostasis...equilibrium...but it can't do that while your thoughts and emotions are saying, ''I'm under attack!!''

 

It's easy to focus on the physical things...because they're evident. They feel real. Emotional stresses are so much harder to face, because they feel very uncomfortable. Hence the desire to distract when you feel the discomfort. It's also one of the reasons mindfulness practices can be so beneficial. Learning to be more present with the thoughts and feelings that are contributing to your stress, or your anxiety. Recognition is hugely powerful, because it means you're not just being carried along with the habitual response. There's a pause...a break...a space for you to observe what's happening. Often, you'll still go along with the conditioned response. You'll still feel whatever you've become accustomed to feeling. But over time, you'll find that you're able to make different choices. ''I'm feeling this feeling, but I don't have to follow the thoughts that usually come up when I feel this way.''

 

There's a simple practice that I do sometimes (and did in the past when I had some emotional trauma to work through). Set a timer on your phone to go off every hour. If you're in a place where you can do so...take 5 minutes to sit with your body. Observe how you feel. Do you have anxiety? where does that feeling live IN your body. Do you feel it in your gut? Are your muscles tense? Notice sensations. It's only 5 minutes. And you don't have to do anything with what you observe. It's not about judging it, or documenting. Just noticing. Most of us are habitually distracted all day. It can be refreshing and liberating to take some small moments to really pay attention to our experience.

 

I found this practice extremely cathartic. It allowed all kinds of emotional debris to come up...

 

You're doing fine. Some of your stress has been very real! And you're doing your best to work through it. It's good to recognize the things that you ARE doing (which you've done in this last post). Little steps...