Please help - 3rd date went from wonderful into a nightmare

[aroud]

Oh my, can you move back to where you are from originally?

If you don't have to stay where you are not happy, then by all means don't.

 

Does your "skin cracked somewhere" mean on or near your genitals?

If you had a lesion erupt, it would be painful.

It can make tingling sensations in your feet because it resides along the nerves paths, but guess what? Pinched nerves

and a whole other slew of things can cause those sensations too! But yeah, because you're scared you will feel everything

is a symptom. Stay off google and only rely on a trusted medical doctor. Keep posting here, if it helps you.

That's what this place is supposed to be for.

 

Ah, yes, I could move back. I decided start of the year to give it another year here and see what happens.

 

This whole situation makes me think. I went to limit this week, not helped by my isolation, and right now if one more life changing event came along I would go over the edge. Who knows what I would do. I'm not being negative, but realistically it's been a dark dark week. Why remain in a place where actually, I'm in a lot of danger. I have family back home I could be with. I don't have anyone here. It's getting harder and harder to justify being here. I can't justify it at all right now. Crying down the phone to my parents, and they are worried sick about me now. It's no good for them either.

 

Yes, the cracked skin is my genitals. I went to the doctor today, and as per the other doctors he backed up the statistically unlikely bit, and did a good job of it too. Then he examined me, and said look that could be either HSV2 or it could be cracked skin due to some other reason. However, never in my life have I got cracked skin there, and with the tingling feelings I've been getting in my feet and hands, I know that it's not looking good.

 

In 3 days I get the results, and I'm better off preparing for the worst.

 

Work today was so hard. 11 hour day and due to my mental condition, well people can tell, and it's not helping. I was more fragile, and since I'm a leader, this is a problem. I can get by, but this thing is impacting my work - impacting everything. I'm trying not to think about it.

 

Worse there is a friend at work who is amazing and I know she's interested in me, and I in return. But now I can't contemplate that at all. It's all off the cards.

 

It was hell going for a test today. I was on the verge of breaking down before I went in there, but composed myself for the conversation. Every day I have to let some pain and tears out. It's the only way I can get through the day.

 

There are some glimmers when I think even if I have it, things could be okay. They are glimmers at the moment. Just sitting here feeling the tingling, an ache in my wrist, tingle in my foot, and it continues like this every day. Bang on time, 1 week following exposure. What a total f**k up.

[aroud]

Deep breaths, so far the doctor has told you that the chances of contracting this is extremely low, believe him. Try not to let your mind run away from you. Anxiety is good at making us feel symptoms.

Try to distract your thoughts on something else. You'll be okay.

 

Thank you. I appreciate it, but now after 1 week and the symptoms, and the cracked skin. Trying not to think about it.

[aroud]

So I don't know how this week is going to play out. Just pulled an 11 hour day and I'm exhausted. Saw the doctor and got a swab taken. I can hardly believe this is happening but it is. No waking up moment is going to happen. Tingling in my hand, wrist, feet. I need to talk to my parent and let some tears out. Doing this every day helps.

[katrina1980]

Hi aroud, sorry to hear you are still struggling. :(

 

Since I'm unfamiliar with symptoms except for what my friend has shared, I did some research.

 

Three different resources (one I will quote from now - familydoctor.org) state that during the very first outbreak (primary outbreak) you may experience flu-like symptoms, body-aches, fever, headache. Groups of small painful blisters will be present, the fluid in the blisters, clear or cloudy. The skin under the blisters will be red.

 

You may also experience painful urination and genital discharge.

 

None of what I read said anything about cracked skin but that's not to say some people may experience.

 

But are you experiencing any of the other symptoms?

 

Did your doctors explain these symptoms to you, what to expect during your first "primary outbreak"?

 

I know from experience the mind sometimes plays tricks on us. When we are feeling stressed and anxious about anything, we may experience certain physical symptoms such as what you are experiencing now.

 

If one symptom you are experiencing from stress/anxiety is itching (which is common), the cracked skin could be due to scratching.

 

I recall a few years ago, I had a weird looking sore on my leg (red and scaly). I thought for sure it was melanoma. I did so much research, none of what I read suggested it *was* melanoma but I had convinced myself it was.

 

I knew I had cancer I just knew it. The sore started growing and getting bigger!

 

I went to the doctor and it was a mild form of eczema, gave me a cream and it cleared up.

 

Hang in there! Again, try and think positive if you can based on what your doctors have advised you and the statistics.

 

And check out the website I mentioned above, familydoctor.org. Tons of info in there that may put your mind at ease some.

 

Feel better and keep us posted!

 

Fingers crossed the tests are negative!

[Batya33]

"I know from experience the mind sometimes plays tricks on us. When we are feeling stressed and anxious about anything, we may experience certain physical symptoms such as what you are experiencing now."

 

Yes, definitely! I had the same experience with something on my skin too and it was nothing. Psychosomatic is so common - it's in your head so you're seeing everything through the lens of "symptoms". I really do think you will be fine.

[reinventmyself]

Years ago I had some healths issue and the waiting for the results is probably worse than the outcome.

 

I remember having such anxiety, close to panic. When you are in a highly anxious state your breathing tends to quicken and they are short, shallow breaths as opposed to natural deep breathing. This in turn will cause you to feel the tingling in your hands and feet. I remember being so anxious I felt the tingling in lips as well.

It certainly doesn't help when you are afraid and waiting for tests and asking yourself what do all these symptoms mean??

 

I don't think they are related to HSV, but more due to your anxious state.

Please consider some way to relax and some slow controlled deep breaths and see if that doesn't help.

All in all, what you are feeling is real. What it's related to is up for grabs.

Please take care of yourself.

You will have you answer soon.

 

What I learned from all my anxious episodes was that when I got the good news from results, I looked back on how unnecessarily miserable I had made myself while waiting. Now, I pretty much take it in stride. I will deal with it when I get the news and not before. But it's taken years of practice to get here.

Hang in there. .

[90_hour_sleep]

Personally, if I was really into someone and she told me she had herpes, it wouldn't be a deal breaker. And I owe that feeling largely to the fact that I spent so much time with someone who had it. It's got major taboo all over it.

 

 

That's really comforting as far as his chances of contracting it. She lied to him and didn't tell him until he'd been exposed through intercourse. Your girlfriend didn't know. Huge difference IMO.

 

Yep. As noted in other parts of my response. You have a real habit of ignoring the context of an entire post, Batya.

[Batya33]

Yep. As noted in other parts of my response. You have a real habit of ignoring the context of an entire post, Batya.

 

I don't agree that there's any habit here. Sorry if I misread your post and I see that we agree on his reaction to what she did to him.

[90_hour_sleep]

The point is, it's much easier to work through difficult feelings when there's a foundation of reliable information. Remove the herpes taboo and the whole thing softens considerably. That doesn't mean ignoring what happened. It doesn't mean downplaying the fact that the virus lives in the body forever. It means that the actual real-world effects on a day-to-day basis are manageable for the vast majority of people who have the virus. It means people who have sex are exposed to risk. Known or unknown, it's always there to some degree. It was helpful for me to consider all of these things when I had a similar experience. I slept with someone who didn't know she had a virus. Different than sleeping with someone who knows she has a virus. But the sheer volume of people that don't know and have no reason to suspect an infection is cause for pause. If I'm not okay with the risks, then maybe I need to rethink my behaviour. This person tells me she's clean, but maybe she hasn't been screened for everything? Maybe she's lying?

 

We make choices. And sometimes we make those choices without actually being all that informed about the consequences. It's a great opportunity when life provides a situation that forces us to investigate that a little more thoroughly. Yes, it's difficult. Maybe it feels unfair. But I'm the only one who is ever accountable for my actions. It's been good to have that reminder in my life from time to time.

[Batya33]

The point is, it's much easier to work through difficult feelings when there's a foundation of reliable information. Remove the herpes taboo and the whole thing softens considerably. That doesn't mean ignoring what happened. It doesn't mean downplaying the fact that the virus lives in the body forever. It means that the actual real-world effects on a day-to-day basis are manageable for the vast majority of people who have the virus. It means people who have sex are exposed to risk. Known or unknown, it's always there to some degree. It was helpful for me to consider all of these things when I had a similar experience. I slept with someone who didn't know she had a virus. Different than sleeping with someone who knows she has a virus. But the sheer volume of people that don't know and have no reason to suspect an infection is cause for pause. If I'm not okay with the risks, then maybe I need to rethink my behaviour. This person tells me she's clean, but maybe she hasn't been screened for everything? Maybe she's lying?

 

We make choices. And sometimes we make those choices without actually being all that informed about the consequences. It's a great opportunity when life provides a situation that forces us to investigate that a little more thoroughly. Yes, it's difficult. Maybe it feels unfair. But I'm the only one who is ever accountable for my actions. It's been good to have that reminder in my life from time to time.

 

Yes, and my opinion actually had more to do with her intentional lie, her intentional choice to risk him getting infected than that it was herpes -the relevance of herpes was that it was that much worse because it's a lifetime thing . I would have felt the same way if she kissed him with her mouth open and then told him she'd tested positive for flu that morning as far as the lie and betrayal and the dealbreaker part.

 

I am not talking about risks in general -we all take risks every single time we interact with people especially romantically/sexually - life is about risks. I am only referring to the risk in this individual situation with this individual man and woman and what she chose to do to him. I think certainly it's interesting to talk about risks more broadly and evaluate what kind of risk taker you are or I am etc but that is not at all what I was referring to in my post and I don't want it read that way if possible, thanks.

[90_hour_sleep]

Well, you've missed my point again. No sense reiterating.

[Batya33]

Well, you've missed my point again. No sense reiterating.

 

Sorry if I misread your post - it was quite long and to me referred to topics beyond this individual situation which is fine / you made some interesting observations!And I felt the same about your responses. No worries. .

[SweetGirl28]

Ah, yes, I could move back. I decided start of the year to give it another year here and see what happens.

 

This whole situation makes me think. I went to limit this week, not helped by my isolation, and right now if one more life changing event came along I would go over the edge. Who knows what I would do. I'm not being negative, but realistically it's been a dark dark week. Why remain in a place where actually, I'm in a lot of danger. I have family back home I could be with. I don't have anyone here. It's getting harder and harder to justify being here. I can't justify it at all right now. Crying down the phone to my parents, and they are worried sick about me now. It's no good for them either.

 

Yes, the cracked skin is my genitals. I went to the doctor today, and as per the other doctors he backed up the statistically unlikely bit, and did a good job of it too. Then he examined me, and said look that could be either HSV2 or it could be cracked skin due to some other reason. However, never in my life have I got cracked skin there, and with the tingling feelings I've been getting in my feet and hands, I know that it's not looking good.

 

In 3 days I get the results, and I'm better off preparing for the worst.

 

Work today was so hard. 11 hour day and due to my mental condition, well people can tell, and it's not helping. I was more fragile, and since I'm a leader, this is a problem. I can get by, but this thing is impacting my work - impacting everything. I'm trying not to think about it.

 

Worse there is a friend at work who is amazing and I know she's interested in me, and I in return. But now I can't contemplate that at all. It's all off the cards.

 

It was hell going for a test today. I was on the verge of breaking down before I went in there, but composed myself for the conversation. Every day I have to let some pain and tears out. It's the only way I can get through the day.

 

There are some glimmers when I think even if I have it, things could be okay. They are glimmers at the moment. Just sitting here feeling the tingling, an ache in my wrist, tingle in my foot, and it continues like this every day. Bang on time, 1 week following exposure. What a total f**k up.

 

I'm sorry for all you're going through. When you can get yourself in a better state mentally, start to look at going back home. Set up interviews by phone, and get the ball rolling because it's never good to feel isolated, even when other stressors are not weighing on your mind so heavily. You're trying to deal with everything alone and that's hard.

It's good you have your parents to call.

Good luck with the test results. Just remember even if by slight chance you have it, it's not a death sentence.

It's a life changer, obviously, as far as relationships and disclosure, but it can be managed. You were using protection,

sure you could have waited and asked for test results for STD's but HSV isn't even routinely included so just be aware from now on. You can chat up this friend and hang out. Dont let this stop you. It may even be a good distraction right now. Just hold off on sex until you know. No need to bed everyone anyway lol. I go out with guys and never have sex with them, only ones I enter into a relationship with, so do what I do....keep her as a friend for now :)

You have a life, you need to live it as best you can . Don't let this stop you.

[aroud]

I'm sorry for all you're going through. When you can get yourself in a better state mentally, start to look at going back home. Set up interviews by phone, and get the ball rolling because it's never good to feel isolated, even when other stressors are not weighing on your mind so heavily. You're trying to deal with everything alone and that's hard.

It's good you have your parents to call.

Good luck with the test results. Just remember even if by slight chance you have it, it's not a death sentence.

It's a life changer, obviously, as far as relationships and disclosure, but it can be managed. You were using protection,

sure you could have waited and asked for test results for STD's but HSV isn't even routinely included so just be aware from now on. You can chat up this friend and hang out. Dont let this stop you. It may even be a good distraction right now. Just hold off on sex until you know. No need to bed everyone anyway lol. I go out with guys and never have sex with them, only ones I enter into a relationship with, so do what I do....keep her as a friend for now :)

You have a life, you need to live it as best you can . Don't let this stop you.

 

Hey, thanks. And this has just reminded me so much of how unhealthy it is for me right now. I spoke to one of my parents and it was heartbreaking because them on the phone is the closest thing to comfort I can get here. I don't think getting a job back home is going to be a problem at all - career wise I'm tooled up and very successful, and can freelance back home. I can basically do my intended 12 months here, and then I was intending to see how I feel - but I think I just have to go. Life changing events, deaths, diseases (worse than HSV) could strike at any time, and being by yourself to just 'cope' is inadvisable. Why persist in this kind of place? You're so vulnerable.

 

I've been directing my mental energy back at my job, and also my plan for the test result if it's positive. I'm still getting tingling feelings in feet, arms, legs, which all tallies with mild symptoms, so I'm pretty sure I've got it. Today I discovered a few dating sites for people with HSV, and that gives me hope. I imagine there are people out there who got cheated on for example, or just met the wrong person - maybe made a silly mistake (how I feel) and ended up with it. All of these people, good people, lonely and feeling ty because of this, just like me. The thought of connecting with someone who's been through this, well that could be really beautiful, and that could come into my life one day.

 

I was also chatting with my other parent, who told me about their cancer scare. So you can have much worse things than HSV, and in that I'm lucky right not it's not something that bad. Thinking along these lines is helping to dispel the dread I felt and still feel, but I have to think of my future. I see it kinda binary. Either you live, or you choose not to -and there's no middle ground. If you choose to live, you have to be fiercely committed to it, and do it in the right way this time, learn from that past. Logically there is no other option.

 

So like you say, I can't let this thing stop me living.

[aroud]

You know, I get all this stuff about risk, and to be completely honest I don't feel totally devoid of responsibility in this situation. In fact I feel very responsible since when she did tell me, I was not clear headed enough about it - I was stupid. I can think man, I should have just got out of there, but you know - at that moment I cared for her a lot, and it felt wrong to just leave, to just stop. I had to ultimately, but I know why I was in that situation, and the blame cannot just be with one person.

 

Sure, she messed up and should have given me the talk. But that didn't happen, and I understand why. We got carried away, both of us. You could easily say yes but she knew she had it and should have insisted, but it didn't happen. She said herself she doens't know exactly why she forgot.

 

When she is back (on holiday at the moment) I'm actually thinking of talking to her. Given my thinking is I've got it, in a strange way this makes talking to her easier. And given I'm totally alone out here, she's the best company for me in many ways to talk and relate to - no matter what happened. Does this sound messed up? Am I messed up? Probably yes. But maybe I can tell you guys and you tell me how nuts I am.

 

What's hard to grasp here is that I was in many ways totally crazy about her.

 

Am I just in a desperate state here and yet again not thinking clearly? This is another layer of confusion for me. I know I'm vulnerable.

[SweetGirl28]

I think given your last post, that you're feeling alone and isolated and just want comfort from her.

Not thinking you really truly want her. Believing you have the disease if causing these thoughts in your mind.

If you test clean, I think you'll change your mind about wanting to be with her again.

She didn't "forget", her conscience took over so she told you.

[Batya33]

You know, I get all this stuff about risk, and to be completely honest I don't feel totally devoid of responsibility in this situation. In fact I feel very responsible since when she did tell me, I was not clear headed enough about it - I was stupid. I can think man, I should have just got out of there, but you know - at that moment I cared for her a lot, and it felt wrong to just leave, to just stop. I had to ultimately, but I know why I was in that situation, and the blame cannot just be with one person.

 

Sure, she messed up and should have given me the talk. But that didn't happen, and I understand why. We got carried away, both of us. You could easily say yes but she knew she had it and should have insisted, but it didn't happen. She said herself she doens't know exactly why she forgot.

 

When she is back (on holiday at the moment) I'm actually thinking of talking to her. Given my thinking is I've got it, in a strange way this makes talking to her easier. And given I'm totally alone out here, she's the best company for me in many ways to talk and relate to - no matter what happened. Does this sound messed up? Am I messed up? Probably yes. But maybe I can tell you guys and you tell me how nuts I am.

 

What's hard to grasp here is that I was in many ways totally crazy about her.

 

Am I just in a desperate state here and yet again not thinking clearly? This is another layer of confusion for me. I know I'm vulnerable.

 

Talk to her if you accept that her values justify lying and she chooses her own discomfort over causing significant harm to another human being. That will be true in all the experiences you have unless she can tell you why it happened and what she is doing to make sure it never happens again -meaning what work she is going to do on herself so that she chooses the right and ethical and moral thing to do rather than lying to ease discomfort even if it hurts others immensely in the process. Is this a person you would trust in a committed relationship? With your money? If you want a family, with your child? Think about it. So far she hasn't contacted you to see how you're feeling, right? I realize you wrote you just want to talk but you are feeling fragile and that could draw you in again for the wrong reasons.

[aroud]

Talk to her if you accept that her values justify lying and she chooses her own discomfort over causing significant harm to another human being. That will be true in all the experiences you have unless she can tell you why it happened and what she is doing to make sure it never happens again -meaning what work she is going to do on herself so that she chooses the right and ethical and moral thing to do rather than lying to ease discomfort even if it hurts others immensely in the process. Is this a person you would trust in a committed relationship? With your money? If you want a family, with your child? Think about it. So far she hasn't contacted you to see how you're feeling, right? I realize you wrote you just want to talk but you are feeling fragile and that could draw you in again for the wrong reasons.

 

I did message her after she went on holiday to find out how / if she was managing it. Everything was reassuring - she's been confident, but my mild symptoms don't lie.

 

Anyway, I asked her why she didn't tell me before - given that she's been through infection herself and seen first hand the mental trauma it can cause - and that if you valued someone why would you risk them going through that. She said she could not answer that. But look, this is not a face to face conversation, just messaging.

 

In the past 4 days she has not asked me how I am at all. There have been no messages.

 

Right now - no I can't trust her.

 

I feel that if she really knew what I've already been through and how my own mental existence was a very challenging place with existing - although reasonably well managed - mental issues, if she knew that - had I told her - she wouldn't have risked me at all. She would have realised it was the last thing I needed.

 

True - being so vulnerable, I am prone to making a stupid decision. Vulnerability is what got me into this mess to some degree, and one reason why I need to go back home around those who would never take that kind of risk with me.

[SweetGirl28]

"I feel that if she really knew what I've already been through and how my own mental existence was a very challenging place with existing - although reasonably well managed - mental issues, if she knew that - had I told her - she wouldn't have risked me at all. She would have realised it was the last thing I needed."

 

Around, no......just......no. She would not have cared. Why would you feel if she knew she would have it in her heart to say " hey I have genital herpes. You've been thru so much And I want you to be aware because I don't want to make you deal with any more than what you are dealing with already". Her herpes would have not been on her mind at all to confess.

The reason she did was because you were in the middle of sex and she felt guilty obviously.

I don't see how you can trust her ever again because she did not forget. I think you want to believe she forgot.

No one forgets they have an std, just like no one forgets to put a condom on.

[Batya33]

"She said she could not answer that. "

 

Either she chose not to answer (because of course she knows but that would mean having to apologize AND make amends) that or she is so mentally unstable that she doesn't know how to interact with human beings based on common sense stuff she learned in kindergarten -play nicely in the sandbox. Either way, huge red flag.

[boltnrun]

Are you sure you're not wanting to reach out to her just because you believe you have herpes and you think no one else will want you?

[katrina1980]

OP, when do your test results come back? I believe two days ago you said in three days, so I guess that means tomorrow?

 

Deep breaths, it will soon be over.

 

Fingers crossed.

[aroud]

"I feel that if she really knew what I've already been through and how my own mental existence was a very challenging place with existing - although reasonably well managed - mental issues, if she knew that - had I told her - she wouldn't have risked me at all. She would have realised it was the last thing I needed."

 

Around, no......just......no. She would not have cared. Why would you feel if she knew she would have it in her heart to say " hey I have genital herpes. You've been thru so much And I want you to be aware because I don't want to make you deal with any more than what you are dealing with already". Her herpes would have not been on her mind at all to confess.

The reason she did was because you were in the middle of sex and she felt guilty obviously.

I don't see how you can trust her ever again because she did not forget. I think you want to believe she forgot.

No one forgets they have an std, just like no one forgets to put a condom on.

 

Good point actually. I didn't forget to use protection and I've been blaming myself for being careless. However I thought that would protect me but due to how contagious this thing is, that's not enough.

[aroud]

Are you sure you're not wanting to reach out to her just because you believe you have herpes and you think no one else will want you?

 

Not exactly. My feeling was if I could forgive and trust then maybe we could explore the connection. But there are huge question marks.

 

Looking at all the dating sites I think there are people who would want me for sure.

[aroud]

OP, when do your test results come back? I believe two days ago you said in three days, so I guess that means tomorrow?

 

Deep breaths, it will soon be over.

 

Fingers crossed.

 

Test results today or tomorrow but it's a moot point because these mild symptoms are textbook. The thing I need to be totally primed to do is reframe my life and just deal with this because there is no turning back and what is done is done.