Male/Female Platonic Friendships

[katrina1980]

So I was outside taking a break and a guy who works down the hall and I started chatting. We have chatted before on breaks; I would consider him an “acquaintance.”

 

When he sat down next to me, I was on my I-Pad reading ENA and his first words were, “anything interesting”?

 

So I ended up telling him about what I was reading and boldly asked what he thought about male/female “friendships.”

 

He told me he doesn’t believe in them. He knows they happen, but he said that for a man to want to be “friends” with a woman, there has to be an underlying element of something sexual happening, at least eventually -- that the “friendship” for the man isn’t completely genuine.

 

He said any woman who believes her male “friends” don’t think about her sexually, she’s kidding herself.

 

I don’t know how true this is for ALL men, but I have found this to be true for me as well. That whenever I’ve been “friends” with a man, he has always eventually wanted more, either to date me or at the very least have sex with me. And for me, after he expresses his interest, I am no longer comfortable being friends.

 

Also, after I stop dating a man, I have in the past suggested that we be friends. They’re not interested, one man told me “I want to date you, I have enough friends.”

 

The way he said it, his tone, it sounded like he was insulted by the suggestion!

 

When I came back to my office, I asked my co-worker what SHE thought, and if she has friendships with men.

 

She says she does and she knows for a fact they want to date her, or at the very least have sex with her, but it doesn’t bother her. A couple of them she has hooked up with in the past.

 

She admitted she enjoys the attention she gets from these men, and that its (and I quote) “FUN!”

 

I just read two different threads created by men who said they were “friends” with a particular girl, that they always liked her but something always prevented the friendship from becoming more, but then when the timing was better, it eventually did.

 

So I wanted to start this thread to see what y’all think.

 

I am particularly interested in how the men feel.

 

Assuming a woman is attractive, are you able to be “just friends” with her without having any feelings (sexual or otherwise) for her other than friendship?

[jimthzz]

There is a whole movie on this very subject, "When Harry Met Sally."

[Seraphim]

My husband has completely platonic female friends. He doesn’t believe all men are ruled by their penis.

[katrina1980]

There is a whole movie on this very subject, "When Harry Met Sally."

 

Yeah I’ve seen it, I am interested in real life experiences.

 

A few of the ladies on this forum have mentioned having friendships with many men (strictly friends) which prompted my curiosity as personally I’ve never been able to, for the reasons stated in my original post.

[katrina1980]

My husband has completely platonic female friends. He doesn’t believe all men are ruled by their penis.

 

That's nice to know!

 

What about you though? Could you or have you ever had a friendship/relationship with a man that was strictly platonic?

 

I know you're married, but one of the posters (female) said being married shouldn't matter; it doesn't matter to her, she still has many friendships with men that are strictly platonic.

 

I find this very interesting!

[SweetGirl28]

Yeah I’ve seen it, I am interested in real life experiences.

 

A few of the ladies on this forum have mentioned having friendships with many men (strictly friends) which prompted my curiosity as personally I’ve never been able to, for the reasons stated in my original post.

 

I'm strictly friends with guys that I am not physically attracted to.

The ones where there has been an attraction, I never maintained those friendships.

I knew the possibility existed for lines to be crossed. My guy friends now, I know even though they

might think of crossing the line, I will not allow them to because there's not the physical attraction lol

[DancingFool]

Yes I have some strictly platonic guy friends. There is such a thing as zero chemistry. Nobody has universal appeal. That said, the friendships started organically and due to common shared hobby or interest. The friendship definitely revolves mostly around that.

[nutbrownhare]

I have no problems at all with having guy friends, and they're not necessarily interested in me in a sexual way, either. In fact I recall feeling quite flattered when a male friend told me: "You know NBH - you're a really good bloke!"

 

I have four brothers, and when we were growing up their friends were around, too - so I've had A LOT of experience as a youngster with just being friends with males. I think, for me, that's got a lot to do with it. I've just been aware that women I know who grew up without any significant men in their life - father or brothers - seem to sexualise/be sexualised by men a lot more than women who have an inner tomboy!

[katrina1980]

I'm strictly friends with guys that I am not physically attracted to.

The ones where there has been an attraction, I never maintained those friendships.

I knew the possibility existed for lines to be crossed.

 

My guy friends now, I know even though they

might think of crossing the line, I will not allow them to because there's not the physical attraction lol

 

I wish I could do that; once I know a man is attracted to me and wants more (usually after he tells me but sometimes it's been obvious too), I'm just not comfortable with it anymore (the friendship) and either end it or just fade out.

 

Now I just don't bother with it at all.

[katrina1980]

I have no problems at all with having guy friends, and they're not necessarily interested in me in a sexual way, either. In fact I recall feeling quite flattered when a male friend told me: "You know NBH - you're a really good bloke!"

 

I have four brothers, and when we were growing up their friends were around, too - so I've had A LOT of experience as a youngster with just being friends with males. I think, for me, that's got a lot to do with it. I've just been aware that women I know who grew up without any significant men in their life - father or brothers - seem to sexualise/be sexualised by men a lot more than women who have an inner tomboy!

 

Yeah I have FIVE brothers, and their friends were all around too. Some made "comments" to me, and my brothers had to SHUT THEM DOWN.

 

By the way, I think male/female friendships are great, men offer valuable insight and a perspective many women aren't able to.

 

Just for me I haven't been able to, that's all.

 

Like I said, the few men I've been friends with in the past have wanted "more," not saying ALL men do, just the ones I have been friends with, and I'm uncomfortable after that.

 

Although my second boyfriend and I started out as friends. One night while we were out, he ended up spontaneously kissing me and "splurging his feels."

 

We dated for four years after that night!

[katrina1980]

I wish more men were members of this forum, I would really like to hear "their" perspective on this!

 

 

I am particularly interested in how the men feel.

 

Assuming a woman is attractive, are you able to be “just friends” with her without having any feelings (sexual or otherwise) for her other than friendship?

[Batya33]

I think it's fine to be platonic friends where there is also some attraction. It's normal and it's human and it means that you make the choice not to act on it. If it's strong attraction that can impede a friendship but mild attraction - no biggie. There will always be mild attraction all around us -we have eyes and other senses and it's a normal reaction to someone who is your type. I've had platonic male friends most of my life. Right now I keep in touch with a number of them and see some of them from time to time (we moved so it's harder). I don't like the idea of assuming that a man is ruled by his penis as someone smartly wrote above! I don't think it's essential to have friends of the opposite gender but as I've written for me it added a lot of good knowledge and insights to my romantic relationships.

[Seraphim]

That's nice to know!

 

What about you though? Could you or have you ever had a friendship/relationship with a man that was strictly platonic?

 

I know you're married, but one of the posters (female) said being married shouldn't matter; it doesn't matter to her, she still has many friendships with men that are strictly platonic.

 

I find this very interesting!

I prefer not to have male friends. I have male acquaintances but not friends. That is just the way I prefer it. My husband is my friend and my brother is my friend . And my stepfather . The three males in life I trust not to abuse me . I am not saying that men are abusers because I don’t believe that . I am saying that I have trusted issues regarding men. And that is my own baggage not theirs. The closest thing I guess I would have to an outside family friend that is male is the person that I sing with at church . We have to practice together every Sunday . But that would be the only male I spend any time with outside of my husband ,my brother and my stepfather and my son.

[boltnrun]

Like I mentioned in the other thread, I have several platonic male friends. Not a single one of them wants to sleep with me and vice versa. Just to illustrate (and apologies for the TMI), I was staying in a hotel room with a male friend in separate beds. I was tired and went to bed early but he stayed out drinking. Apparently he saw several attractive women and, in his words, got "horny". So did he attempt to "try something" with me? Nope...he masturbated! The only reason I found out is because his heavy breathing woke me up. So the guy would rather masturbate than try to have sex with me. If that doesn't illustrate how not every man we encounter is panting to have sex with us, nothing does lol!

 

I have been alone with these male friends in all kinds of situations. I've been intoxicated, I've been sad, happy, you name it, and not one single time did any of these men try anything or suggest we be more than friends.

 

It's awesome. I really love having friends of all genders, shapes, sizes, ethnicities, sexual orientations, etc. The world is such a varied place. I can't imagine excluding an entire group of people based on their genitalia lol.

[katrina1980]

 

I prefer not to have male friends. I have male acquaintances but not friends. That is just the way I prefer it.

 

Thank you Seraphim, at this point in my life (late 30's) same for me.

 

I'm glad you chimed in because reading these threads (not just on this forum either) I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me for not having male friends!

 

I have five brothers, and am very close with two of them. And like you I have male acquaintances.

 

Like at the male/female support group I used to be a member of. Great guys, offer a lot of insight but had no real desire to develop a one-on-one close platonic friendship with any of them, as I would with a woman. I consider them acquaintances.

 

I guess there is really no wrong or right, just what we're all comfortable with.

 

I mentioned this on another to thread, but I am a introvert (for the most part) so it's never been all that easy making new friends anyway, so there's that too.

[rosephase]

I have a lot of male friends. Some of whom I'm extremely attracted to. I just act like an adult and treat them with respect and agency. I love and respect them. That is why they are my friends. So I respect there choices. I'm non-monogamous and I have a lot of mono friends. I enjoy the bit I get of them in my lives and I don't cross boundaries. I wouldn't say it's easy to do, but I would say it's extraordinarily worth while to get those people in my life.

[katrina1980]

 

It's awesome. I really love having friends of all genders, shapes, sizes, ethnicities, sexual orientations, etc. The world is such a varied place. I can't imagine excluding an entire group of people based on their genitalia lol.

 

Yeah that does sound pretty awesome bolt! Amazing actually!

 

If you don't mind my asking, would you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

 

I am an introvert, and as I said it's not all that easy for me to develop close bonds with anyone, it takes a long time to develop that type of bond/trust (for me).

 

But I've traveled globally and do enjoy meeting and getting to know all types of people, male/female, different cultures, sexual orientations, etc just like you.

 

Except for the one friend I have in the UK - she and I just clicked during my travels in Europe many years ago, and our friendship just stuck.

[Seraphim]

I make friends very easily as I am very very social and gregarious. But I just like a few close friends. Because I have spent so much time rising my son I have not had a lot of energy for a lot of friends.

[Batya33]

I have a lot of male friends. Some of whom I'm extremely attracted to. I just act like an adult and treat them with respect and agency. I love and respect them. That is why they are my friends. So I respect there choices. I'm non-monogamous and I have a lot of mono friends. I enjoy the bit I get of them in my lives and I don't cross boundaries. I wouldn't say it's easy to do, but I would say it's extraordinarily worth while to get those people in my life.

 

Yes I feel exactly the same. I remember though the first time I had a friendly conversation with a man when I was a newlywed. I power walked around an oval in our local park and a man who also did at the same time struck up a conversation with me (in part because I was pushing my baby in a stroller) -we had a lovely conversation and it made the time go faster -about all sorts of things -kids, our spouses, our city, etc. I called my mother later that day and asked what she thought -was it appropriate -should I tell my husband? She laughed and said of course it was fine and it was great to meet people in my new city. I wasn't attracted to him and didn't find him flirtatious. We probably had a few more conversations and then I didn't see him again. I'm not sure if I would have met him socially outside of our morning exercise -as I would have were it a woman - but it was a time I paused about a male "friendship".

[katrina1980]

 

I remember though the first time I had a friendly conversation with a man when I was a newlywed. I power walked around an oval in our local park and a man who also did at the same time struck up a conversation with me (in part because I was pushing my baby in a stroller) -we had a lovely conversation and it made the time go faster -about all sorts of things -kids, our spouses, our city, etc. I called my mother later that day and asked what she thought -was it appropriate -should I tell my husband? She laughed and said of course it was fine and it was great to meet people in my new city. I wasn't attracted to him and didn't find him flirtatious. We probably had a few more conversations and then I didn't see him again. I'm not sure if I would have met him socially outside of our morning exercise -as I would have were it a woman - but it was a time I paused about a male "friendship".

 

Batya, that's different, I talk to men all the time when I am out and about like that! As I did at my support group as well.

 

After it ended for the night, getting a beer or glass of wine.

 

I don't consider those friendships though, they were acquaintances. I have a few of those.

 

I am referring to developing a close platonic one-on-one relationship/friendship, going out doing things together alone, like you would with a girlfriend, to the exclusion of your significant other. Sharing confidences, things like that.

 

But talking to different people (including men) while out and about, of course!!!

 

Regarding the bolded, I am confused as I thought from reading your other posts on different threads, that your friendships with men DO consist of meeting socially on a one-on-one basis.

 

But you would not have wanted to with this man?

 

Given your previous posts, may I ask why? A bit confused now.

[boltnrun]

I don't consider myself an introvert OR an extrovert. I am a social person and love people. But I also love my alone time.

[katrina1980]

I don't consider myself an introvert OR an extrovert. I am a social person and love people. But I also love my alone time.

 

That's a good way to describe it.

 

I only call myself an introvert because I love my "lone" time, I need my "lone" time, more than what most people would consider standard.

 

But yeah I love people too.

[Batya33]

Batya, that's different, I talk to men all the time when I am out and about like that! As I did at my support group as well.

 

After it ended for the night, getting a beer or glass of wine.

 

I don't consider those friendships though, they were acquaintances. I have a few of those.

 

I am referring to developing a close platonic one-on-one relationship/friendship, going out doing things together alone, like you would with a girlfriend, to the exclusion of your significant other. Sharing confidences, things like that.

 

But talking to different people (including men) while out and about, of course!!!

 

Regarding the bolded, I am confused as I thought from reading your other posts on different threads, that your friendships with men DO consist of meeting socially on a one-on-one basis.

 

But you would not have wanted to with this man?

 

Given your previous posts, may I ask why? A bit confused now.

Yes. I define friendship as you do. What I meant was that with that particular person I couldn’t see myself having it become something where we met other than randomly but if it were a woman I might have made more of an effort because bsck then as a new Mom I found it more important to interact with other women. Ok another example. We have a small workout room in my building. For awhile I had the same schedule as a single guy in the same industry as me. Often people don’t chat on that room - especially early in the morning we just get in our workout and leave. With this guy I ended up adding him on LinkedIn but not on Facebook. If he’d wanted to meet for lunch I probably would have but more for professional reasons.

 

 

Come to think of it I’ve become friendly with a number of dads I’ve met at playgrounds and museums. Some are straight and a few are not. I could see myself meeting up one on one if they asked but logistically our schedules are different. They’re very interesting people and I connect with each of them more than some of the moms I have met. I do have one gender-based awkward situation where I met the dad first and we have a lot in common and then I met the mom and we also have a lot in common but not as much. However I only text with the mom and I would never text with the dad unless it was to make a plan for our kids to meet. In fact after I met the dad I tried to add him on linked in and I couldn’t. So I found the Mom on Facebook and messaged her - explaining that I’d met her son and husband and would love to have our families stay in touch. Because of gender I didn’t feel comfortable contacting the husband on Facebook just in case. So I do see your point that it’s a bit more complicated. In a perfect world I would invite the husband to lunch but I know her could be seen as inappropriate. I had lunch with just the mom and it was fun but I don’t have as much in common with her. Thanks for bringing this up because it did remind me of the potential issues.

[j.man]

Just when I thought this might be the week I go without a borderline sexist commentary.

 

I think it's of course possible and that it happens frequently enough. I've got a few myself, and, generally, it boils down to either a) utter lack of attraction and / or b) boundaries that would make it more of a headache than it's worth. One of my best friends in my early 20s was a lady who, by very wide standards, was a gorgeous woman, but she was both blonde and pretty far on the skinny side, both attributes I'm simply not attracted to in the least. I had a female roommate for a few years who I got on well with, but she was about 5 years younger than me (it was in a college town) and I could only ever see her as a younger sister. My fiancee has a coworker who I'm actually pretty attracted to, but she's taken, I'm taken, her and my lady are co-workers... there's so much in the way there that we can actually be pretty comfortable around each other.

 

But, and this is admittedly generalizing pretty heavily, I do think women more often get a benefit from being friends with men than the other way around. Ironically, and perhaps shooting my argument dead on the spot, based on having read a good chunk of their posts, I actually don't doubt that any of the women in this thread who have posted about having guy friends actually would make pretty awesome friends for your average dude. Still, I've known a lot of your run-of-the-mill Sex and the City, pumpkin spice late fiends who I'd put $10,000 any day of the week on men only wanting to be "friends" with them based on sexual attraction. Again, it's not that attraction itself prohibits a platonic friendship, but I do think it being the foundation certainly precludes it.

 

Really, it boils down to interpersonal common sense. Particularly if you're in a committed, monogamous relationship, just honestly reflect on the dynamic that's going on. I think opposite-sex friendships get a bad rap because, frankly, the stereotype of guys very obviously waiting on the sideline or circling in the periphery like a vulture and for some reason the woman gets a pass for evidently having the awareness of a stunted gerbil is still a real thing. That's to say, man or woman, just be respectful and mindful of your relationships and boundaries when it comes to opposite-sex friends and all should be fine.

 

So, yes, I believe it. I think it's more common than people think. I've got mine and my lady's got hers. But I do think there's still some just cause and truth behind the stigma.

[katrina1980]

 

That's to say, man or woman, just be respectful and mindful of your relationships and boundaries when it comes to opposite-sex friends and all should be fine.

 

I wasn't sure where you were going at first but as to this^, yes and Amen.

 

So yes, I believe it. I think it's more common than people think. I've got mine and my lady's got hers. But I do think there's still some just cause and truth behind the stigma.

 

Oh I agree and I KNOW it's common which is why I started this thread. Wanted to gauge the reasons/motivations behind why they're so common, what's going on behind the curtain so to speak.

 

I also think it's important to clarify the difference between "friendship" and "acquaintance."

 

Can't speak for others, but I define friendship as a close personal bond, one wherein we spend one-on-one time together, alone, without our significant other, share personal confidences and other trusted information.

 

I define an acquaintance as a person I know slightly, chat, have some laughs with, hang out together usually with a group, but who is not a close friend as defined above.

 

I have male acquaintances but not friendships. Not anymore anyway.

 

Fortunately my boyfriend feels the same way about opposite-sex friendships/acquaintances as I do, so for us, all IS well!

 

Thanks for chiming in j.man! And everyone!