New here and desperate for advise

[maniacmechanic]

Hello all,

 

I am new to this forum and am kind of skeptical on whether or not im going to get anything out of it but here goes. Im 32 years old and married for 6 years. I have a daughter and a son both by the same woman. The problem is that I messed up significantly. I sought attention from a smart phone app which led to a meet up which led to my infidelity. My wife and I have had a couple other issues in the last year in addition to this but we have worked through. However, this time she claims to be throwing in the towel. I had a hard time communicating with her due to her constant involvement in her phone and when I wasn't getting the attention I needed from her I went elsewhere. Everything was brought in the open 5 days ago. When called out, I was honest and filled her in on everything. For the first time in my life I am open to outside help and I enrolled into marriage counseling (to which she wants no part of) in hopes that if nothing else it will show her that Im willing to make changes as it is all I can do right here right now. I love her more then life itself. I know what I did was wrong and I am willing to spend the rest of my life proving to her that she can trust me again. We have built a life together and I have put it all in jeopardy. She has obtained her own bank account and we are going to split our tax return down the middle. This also has me seriously concerned because coupled on top of what she has already said about being done with me it would give her the means to leave. I don't want to keep her someplace she doesn't want to be or feel safe. I wont force that on anyone. I had no idea that consequences of what I did would bring. Never knew just how deep the pain would go and how much it would hurt me to see her in that much pain. I devoted my life to this woman. ' For better or worse, til death do we part.' She has asked that I leave the house (our house) and give her space and I have obliged her. Spending so much time away without her or the kids has not been easy but I feel that I have what ever pain and suffering coming to me. Even with all that being true, do any of you think that theres anything I can do to save my marriage? Im worried about her, about us, about the kids. I will spend my life showing her and the world that I love her, that the problem we had can/could be fixed, that I can be trusted again. Right now Im just so lost.

 

Im a broken man who has turned a wonderful, loving, beautiful, giving mother and wife into a broken hearted woman

[nutbrownhare]

I'm going to suspend my judgement here, and not state what I would be doing if I were in your wife's place; that's not what you're asking for.

 

It's only been five days; she'll still be in a state of shock. She may come round, she may not - but abiding by her wishes is the only thing you can do, really. If she wants you to stay away for a while, then respect that.

 

The other thing is that you need to give up your 'victim' mentality if you're going to get past this; by that, I mean statements like "I'm a broken man" (You aren't!) and "I sought attention from a smart phone app which led to a meet up which led to my infidelity." A smartphone app didn't lead to a meetup which led to your fidelity; you were making active choices throughout. Until you acknowledge that and decide that you, and you alone, are responsible for your own actions (not your wife spending too much time on the phone) you will find yourself in comparable situations again and again. And, and... you're concerned that YOU'RE hurting because you're seeing her in so much pain!!!

 

Even your statement about being open to outside help sounds as though it's calculated to show her that you're willing to make changes. Again, until you, personally, decide that change is for yourself and you alone, you'll get nowhere. People who "change" because they want to affect another person's feelings or actions - in other words, control them - do not succeed.

 

You also need to look at your own thinking, specifically at the way that you can make statements like "When I wasn't getting the attention I needed from her I went elsewhere" and "I devoted my life to this woman", and not see how contradictory they are.

 

Hopefully, she will come round in time, you can attend marriage counselling together and come out of it stronger. But if this doesn't happen, then take this as an opportunity for the kind of personal growth where you will eventually have a relationship with honesty and fidelity - even if it's not with this particular woman.

 

Good luck!

[DancingFool]

Really? You just had no idea that cheating and being a selfish a hole would end your marriage?

 

Look, until you grow up and take full responsibility for yourself, your actions, your choices and what you have done, stop making excuses, stop playing victim, work on yourself, get counseling for yourself, I doubt there is anything for your wife to even consider there. Don't you even dare tell her it was a "mistake". Cheating is never a mistake and there is nothing more horrible or insulting to the person who has been cheated on than to hear you minimize the betrayal or make excuses or shift blame onto her. Like "oh I cheated because she didn't give me enough attention."

 

If she asked you to leave her be, then respect it. Meanwhile, grow up. Take full responsibility for what you've done and get yourself into counseling.

[abitbroken]

For you to say "you used an app for attention" -- you are not taking responsibility. If you needed an 'app for attention' you could have downloaded something that show motivational sayings, etc. Nope, its not an app -- there was a PERSON on the other side that was also on that app who you were seeking attention from. You absolutely need to admit that.

 

I devoted my life to this woman. ' For better or worse, til death do we part.' She has asked that I leave the house (our house) and give her space and I have obliged her. Spending so much time away without her or the kids has not been easy but I feel that I have what ever pain and suffering coming to me. Even with all that being true, do any of you think that theres anything I can do to save my marriage? Im worried about her, about us, about the kids. I will spend my life showing her and the world that I love her, that the problem we had can/could be fixed, that I can be trusted again. Right now Im just so lost.

 

Im a broken man who has turned a wonderful, loving, beautiful, giving mother and wife into a broken hearted woman

 

Referencing the bold: But you did not. if you devoted your life to this woman, you would have not cheated. Any "problems" you would have addressed when they were small. Do you recall the other part of your marriage vows? "Forsaking all others..." is a huge part of that. Its not just about the "death til we part" thing.

 

I do not blame your wife for what she is doing. Even in different faiths Infidelity *is* about the only justifiable reason for divorce outside of out and out fraud.

 

i suggest personal counseling if your wife will not go. You need it. You will need it to help navigate the transition from married dad to divorced dad.

 

She may change her mind--- but think in your mind at the moment that she will not.

[reinventmyself]

 

I sought attention from a smart phone app which led to a meet up which led to my infidelity.

 

I only got this far and your wording tripped me up.

 

You write as if a couple things outside of yourself `led' you some where?

 

Those very words suggest you aren't taking responsibility.

No one or nothing led you to cheat. It was a conscious decision and choice on your part.

 

Healing begins with taking full accountability and responsibility.

I am not even seeing that beginning of any of it based on how you wrote this.

Sorry.

[Lester]

It's not about you anymore.

No one here can wave word-wand and fix this.

 

I recommend you brace yourself for equal/greater amounts of hurt that she is feeling right now.

[Hollyj]

What did you do?

[Hollyj]

I only got this far and your wording tripped me up.

 

You write as if a couple things outside of yourself `led' you some where?

 

Those very words suggest you aren't taking responsibility.

No one or nothing led you to cheat. It was a conscious decision and choice on your part.

 

Healing begins with taking full accountability and responsibility.

I am not even seeing that beginning of any of it based on how you wrote this.

Sorry.

I agree.

 

I also don't give a damn how much she was looking at her phone.

[maniacmechanic]

You all are correct. I guess I was trying to give the sequence of events. I'm not blaming an app or anything else for the choices I made. I have taken full responsibility not only with her but with myself. Mentioning the app was mentioning where it started. the rest was up. to me. Yes i do recall the rest of the vows and yes i know how i messed them up. I don't need any help feeling bad about things so thanks for twisting the knife a little bit more. I have bought a couple self help books my counselor recommended before I go see her. I understand that it was my choice alone that let to this. I just seeking guidance, advice, something positive. If there's nothing positive to advise I do, then there's no use being here. The only thing I'm victim to is myself, and I ask for no sympathy. I see now how it can hurt someone, I see now what there is to lose and I also have been reminded everyday (by some of people here included) that the 'go f yourself, you screwed up. deal with it' mentality exsists everywhere. I just want to make things right. or at least be able to talk to her to know where things go from here

[Hollyj]

Really? You just had no idea that cheating and being a selfish a hole would end your marriage?

 

Look, until you grow up and take full responsibility for yourself, your actions, your choices and what you have done, stop making excuses, stop playing victim, work on yourself, get counseling for yourself, I doubt there is anything for your wife to even consider there. Don't you even dare tell her it was a "mistake". Cheating is never a mistake and there is nothing more horrible or insulting to the person who has been cheated on than to hear you minimize the betrayal or make excuses or shift blame onto her. Like "oh I cheated because she didn't give me enough attention."

 

If she asked you to leave her be, then respect it. Meanwhile, grow up. Take full responsibility for what you've done and get yourself into counseling.

 

You tell it, Sister!!!!

[Hollyj]

You are very vague regarding your behavior?

[abitbroken]

You all are correct. I guess I was trying to give the sequence of events. I'm not blaming an app or anything else for the choices I made. I have taken full responsibility not only with her but with myself. Mentioning the app was mentioning where it started. the rest was up. to me. Yes i do recall the rest of the vows and yes i know how i messed them up. I don't need any help feeling bad about things so thanks for twisting the knife a little bit more. I have bought a couple self help books my counselor recommended before I go see her. I understand that it was my choice alone that let to this. I just seeking guidance, advice, something positive. If there's nothing positive to advise I do, then there's no use being here. The only thing I'm victim to is myself, and I ask for no sympathy. I see now how it can hurt someone, I see now what there is to lose and I also have been reminded everyday (by some of people here included) that the 'go f yourself, you screwed up. deal with it' mentality exsists everywhere. I just want to make things right. or at least be able to talk to her to know where things go from here

 

So, you did not picture your children's faces before you decided to cheat -- thinking of how it would impact them?

 

Look - there is no "positive" from this. Its not like your wife is being unreasonable. She isn't. maybe you feel the knife has been twisted and you don't think that's fair - but you stabbed her squarely in the back out of left field. There is no way to make things "right" except with the use of a time machine. Its all in her hands now. She has been left to pick up the pieces in the aftermath - the only thing you can HOPE for is that she will get to a point where she can amicably coparent with you versus being hostile. But that takes time and is way down the road. The reason why 'you screwed up, deal with it" exists is in this case -- you can't undo it -- and its the unkindest cut in a marriage. You have to go to counseling for YOU, and you have to just see in time what she does or how she feels.

 

You want to talk to her -- you talked enough -- now its time to respect her silence. Communicate the minimum necessary that is required to see the kids -- but right now- its only been 5 days and this is too raw.

[nutbrownhare]

I don't need any help feeling bad about things so thanks for twisting the knife a little bit more.

 

...and there goes the Victim again...

 

What, precisely, did you want from this forum? You see, there's nothing you can do to change another person's feelings or actions, and the world would be a very different place if you could. So nobody on here can give you a form of words to say to your wife that will change her mind and bring her back to you, or make her forgive you. If this happens, it will be because of her own thought processes and feelings.

 

On the other hand, you have been told repeatedly that you need to start taking responsibility and use this as an opportunity for the kind of growth which will not only make you feel better as a person, but also pave the way for healthy relationships. That's how you can make things right. Or, as they put it in 12-Step programs: "Let it begin with me!"

 

Nobody on this forum is going to collude with you in making you feel better about life choices which have brought you to this terrible situation. And you shouldn't be trying to make yourself feel OK about them either; the positive thing is that you can behave differently in the future.

[ControlDenied]

First of all you are normal, forgive yourself and learn a lesson here.

 

If she is not on board. There is nothing you can do to get her to come around.

 

Couples have recovered from this, but requires a level of maturity quite high. From both spouses.

 

This is your fault, 100%. But your spouse has a role to play. In a way, deep down she has helped set stage for this to happen. Marriages are always of two!

[maniacmechanic]

You are very vague regarding your behavior?

When she called me out I denied nothing. I came clean. Initially she wouldn't look at me. That evening I tried to talk with her and the conversation was brief to say the least. So I put what I wanted to say into a hand written letter. I explained how sorry I am that I lied to her, that I betrayed her trust, that I have potentially destroyed the foundation that we have built our lives on. I told her that although i have no way to understand or comprehend how she's feeling, I'm more then willing to listen. I told her that I'm willing to provide anything and everything she may want regarding the affair and answer any questions she may have. I've not deleted the texts or call logs. I also explained how balancing 2 lives made me sick to my stomach in only 2 months and how, in a way, I'm glad it's out.

 

Since then (Friday) I've heard nothing. I've kept my distance and have not pushed anything.

[Hollyj]

What did you do with to betray her trust. Did you have sex with other people? Did you emotionally cheat? How far did this go? How long did it last?

 

How did your wife discover the deception?

[maniacmechanic]

...and there goes the Victim again...

 

What, precisely, did you want from this forum? You see, there's nothing you can do to change another person's feelings or actions, and the world would be a very different place if you could. So nobody on here can give you a form of words to say to your wife that will change her mind and bring her back to you, or make her forgive you. If this happens, it will be because of her own thought processes and feelings.

 

On the other hand, you have been told repeatedly that you need to start taking responsibility and use this as an opportunity for the kind of growth which will not only make you feel better as a person, but also pave the way for healthy relationships. That's how you can make things right. Or, as they put it in 12-Step programs: "Let it begin with me!"

 

Nobody on this forum is going to collude with you in making you feel better about life choices which have brought you to this terrible situation. And you shouldn't be trying to make yourself feel OK about them either; the positive thing is that you can behave differently in the future.

I agree and understand

[maniacmechanic]

What did you do with to betray her trust. Did you have sex with other people? Did you emotionally cheat? How far did this go? How long did it last?

 

How did your wife discover the deception?

I had sex with one other person, no emotions attached. It was nice to have the attention and feel what it felt like to be wanted all the time. it lasted 2 months. I told the other person, while I was at work last week, that I loved my wife and that what we were doing was wrong. She went to my wife and spilled everything before I had a chance to see my wife that evening

[abitbroken]

I had sex with one other person, no emotions attached. It was nice to have the attention and feel what it felt like to be wanted all the time. it lasted 2 months. I told the other person, while I was at work last week, that I loved my wife and that what we were doing was wrong. She went to my wife and spilled everything before I had a chance to see my wife that evening

 

Oh boy. It gets deeper. I thought you were communicating with a woman on an app and planning to meet --- this makes things 100% worse that you had a PHYSICAL sexual affair and on top of it, the woman WENT to your wife. You DID NOT confess to your wife. You were found out, and just owned up to it after the fact. There would be a bigger shred of hope if your wife didn't know anything and you confessed to cheating on her by communicating with other women --- but the fact that you would NEVER have said a thing to your wife but did because you were found out is very troubling. You have to really commit to counseling - a counselor who will be tough. Your loyality is based solely on "will i get away with it"

 

Sorry, but the plot thickens and i would NEVER take my husband back if this happened to me. If a husband came to me saying he did something bad, he didn't commit the worst possible yet (didn't sleep with her) but was wrong and needs help -- that is a breach of trust but COULD be possibly saved through counseling and ownership - though she wouldn't have to take her back -- but this jumped WAAAY off the rails and into the pit.

 

Again - you are playing victim "she went to my wife before i had a chance to see her that evening". Like its the mistress' fault that you didn't get to come clean to your wife first ----

 

You have lots of soul searching to do. Right now, every apology or "i did wrong" is a knee jerk to get her back. It has not sunk in yet completely.

[Hollyj]

I would never take someone back under these conditions, either.

 

I am curious why you did not consider counseling before cheating?

[Usa1ah]

You cheated you are in the wrong, you know this already.

 

If my with cheated I would be gone.

 

Do not leave your home. Move out of the bedroom instead.

 

This all started by a messed up marriage. You mentioned that your wife was always on her phone. What was she doing?

[Unreasonable]

do any of you think that theres anything I can do to save my marriage?

No, not really.

 

The fact that she's not willing to go to marriage counselling tells me she, at least for now, is done. That may change, but that's up to her, not you.

 

Work on yourself, seek personal counselling, figure out what why you did this, and make sure this NEVER happens again, no matter what. That way, nobody else will have to go through what your wife is. Really, I am dumbfounded by your inability too see how this could wreck your marriage.

[Babbsi]

OP- I’ve been in your situation. I have my reasons for cheating and I live with that decision every day. We didn’t make it as we are now divorced. I have a very angry ex husband who 4 years later is still as angry as he was when this initially was discovered. I do live with a lot of guilt that I still struggle with. I see that my kids have been torn from their family and there is so much more I can go into with that. I’ll tell you that no matter what you say right now it’s going to fall on deaf ears. Because you cheated it basically gives your wife license to not have to look at herself and what she did to break down the marriage. You won’t find empathy from most people as they’ve either been cheated on or have very clear cut ideas on what they would do should this happen to them.

 

I never thought my life would turn out like this. I loved my husband more than anything and it still hurts to see the hate he has for me. He’s remarrying and I get along very well with his fiancé. He deserves to be happy and I think he has found that.

 

You’re human and you’ve made a horrible mistake. Yes it was a choice you knew what you were doing blah blah... at the end of the day you want to be forgiven. It isn’t until you need to be truly forgiven that you understand what forgiveness really is. I suggest you get some counseling alone just to keep a pulse on how you are doing and how to interact with your kids.

 

I won’t sugar coat it you have a long road ahead of you and you likely will never know pain like you will after all this. Be good to yourself and give your wife time to process things. I promise you’ll regret divorce. I wish I had stayed longer and dealt with his anger a little more. There are so many what ifs that cross my mind that it really does take me down from time to time.

 

I recently posted a break up with a BF because he didn’t trust me. I shared my “history” up front only to discover 7 months later he had this underlying anger towards me. It just doesn’t end... I am truly sorry and remorseful for what I did but I’ve stopped trying to convince people of this. It’s hard for people to see you as more than a cheat at this point so just know that for a while you will be marked. My ex ran around telling anyone who would listen what I did. It made it very difficult to make things work when his entire family saw me as a dirty cheat. No matter what you did prior to cheating it will be erased. I lost everything. So my advise is that you stay. Move back in stay in another room but don’t leave. You’ll have to tolerate some hate for a while but I promise you it’s not worth the divorce.

 

If she continues to pull away from you I’m going to gently suggest you do the same. Stop begging stop pleading as it will have to come from her. I believe you when you say you feel terrible about things. Regret is a B to live with and I struggle with this regularly.

[Wiseman2]

Good you are talking to a counselor even if she won't. Unfortunately it sounds like she's already see an attorney who advised her of this and you need to prepare for that eventuality. Get your ducks in a row, so you don't get blindsided. The focus now should be on being a great dad and visiting the kids. Contact her only for that purpose for now.

She has obtained her own bank account and we are going to split our tax return down the middle. She has asked that I leave the house (our house) and give her space and I have obliged her.

[SweetGirl28]

Put yourself in your wife's position. She learned of you having sex with someone else from that person!

It may have been better had you confessed to her. I'd be livid and divorce you too, in all honesty.

Would you have come clean had you not been outed, or would you have acted as if nothing ever happened?

I'm not judging you for cheating, but honestly it was a conscious decision you made, and not just once.

You aren't the victim here. Let her have her space and decide what she wants. You don't get to make that decision now.