New girlfriend having out-of-town male best friend at her place for the weekend

[blueskiii]

I (47M) have been dating a woman (32F) for a couple months. We've been having sex for a month. She has a male best friend her age, I think they've been friends since high school. I don't know if they've ever been more than friends. He lives in NYC, she moved to Houston where I live 8 months ago. She went to NYC for a week to see him for a funeral (not sure whose) a couple months before we met. Not sure how often they see each other but I think they haven't lived in the same city for a long time.

 

So I think understandably I'm not too happy with her having another male at her apartment for the weekend. She is having an out-of-town female friend over the following weekend. We have been spending most of our weekend time together (we both work 9-5) and really enjoying it. I think I would be a little upset even if they were both female friends visiting her just because we would spend less time together for two weekends but I don't think it would be much of a problem at all. I'm happy she has friends who are willing and able to visit her and she mentioned she would make some time to see me. She says most of her friends are male.

 

We communicate really well and I plan to talk to her about it today. She's told me for a couple weeks that she was planning to have friends visiting a couple weekends but she just said yesterday that one is her male best friend and I'm noticing that it's starting to bother me (again I think understandably).

 

I've posted on this forum under another nick that I can't remember and found it really helpful. I look forward to hearing your wisdom.

[figureitout23]

What's the question?

[nutbrownhare]

I've found that when I'm single, I tend to plan weekends away and having friends to stay far more than when I'm in a relationship - and also to plan much more in advance, so that I have a healthy amount of time with other people as well as being on my own. So it sounds as though you're catching the tail end of that.

 

If I were you, I'd tell her you'd really like to meet this guy - jokingly if you like ("I'd like to hear his side of it!") and you're interested in all her friends. I don't see any reason why she should be excluding you if she sees your relationship as going somewhere.

 

Before the beginning of my current relationship, I had arranged to spend a weekend with my ex-husband and his wife because I had a day's work in their town. In the event, his wife had to be off somewhere else (which was a huge pity because I like her A LOT more than my ex) so I spent the weekend with my ex-husband. I would have been horrified if my new partner had felt threatened by it. Your lady has known this guy since high school and if they wanted to be in a relationship, they would have been by now.

 

Similarly, my new partner would have female friends over for a couple of days, say. I met them and they were lovely.

 

I think it's only a problem if:

 

- Your partner hides the fact they're in a relationship

- Keeps the contact with "friends" a secret from you

- Excludes you from meeting them at all

 

Otherwise, enjoy. Since our friends are often a reflection of who WE are, it would be good to get to know hers because, chances are, they're really nice people.

 

Good luck!

[DanZee]

Hey, buddy. You've got to lighten up. You can't keep her all to yourself. Well, you can try, but then she'll be writing on ENA how you're emotionally abusing her! The worst thing you can do is to tell her you don't want her friends visiting her and staying at her apartment because it would infringe on your sex time. She's a big girl and the fact that she has close friends usually indicates she's a pretty well-rounded and well-liked person. You're 47. You shouldn't be getting jealous like some high school teenager.

 

You should also realize that these Millennials like to hang out in boy-girl groups. They've been doing it since they were small kids. They'd go over each others' houses and watch cable and play video games. They continued doing that in high school, and in college they were constantly in and out of each other's dorm rooms talking, watching TV and playing video games all hours of the day and night. This has continued into their after-school lives. As a baby boomer, I don't quite understand it, but we had employees who were doing these exact same things. Both boys and girls were staying at each other's apartments, they would fly out during their vacations to be with boy-girl friends, and so on. You're a Gen X-er, so you're typically cynical and suspicious about this. it's a generation gap.

 

So what does this all mean? You've got to lay back and tell her to just see you when she can. You know she has friends in and to have a good time. You're not going to lose her and you'll have a happier girlfriend. If you act all stern and jealous, she won't understand where you're coming from and you'll damage the relationship. Trust her and you'll get it back in spades.

[blueskiii]

Glad I read this before we had "a talk" about it, though I think she would be a bit more understanding than you predict, but maybe not. Great point about the generational difference, I definitely think more was implied when a guy and a girl spent time together back in our day. Also as nutbrownhare says it will be nice to meet him (if that happens) since she's talked about him since I knew her. Cheers!

[Hollyj]

Good grief! If you expressed that type of insecurity and control with me , I would be done! You like to keep your women on a tight leash!

 

You have big trust issues!!!! Do you have friends?

[Honeycomb8]

Yeah you do seem controlling. They've been friends forever, it shouldn't be an issue. Relax, don't u have opp sex friends ?

[figureitout23]

I'm still unsure what the questions was...

[Juha]

I do not see a problem as she is being upfront about her male friend coming to visit. It does not sound like you two are that serious, yet.

If you two were more serious and she did not bring up meeting him when he visited I would be a little suspicious no matter what generation...

 

I would just chill and let the visit happen, I bet all will be fine

[katrina1980]

OP, agree with others re lightening up, BUT, have to say that if this were me (meaning if I were her) I would definitely be inviting my boyfriend to spend time with us.

 

For one, I would want him to meet you! And for you to meet him. Same as I would with my female friiends. No difference.

 

Second, I would not want to go two full weekends without seeing you! Even though busy with other friends, etc. One weekend no problem, but not two in a row. NOT when it can be avoided, plus I think it would be fun to all get together.

 

Has she mentioned anything about introducing you, y'all spending some time together? Even just one day or night?

[katrina1980]

I'm still unsure what the questions was...

 

The way I interpreted, OP feels uncomfortable with his girlfriend having a male friend spend the weekend at her place (to the exclusion of him).

 

Wants to know if his reaction is "appropriate" and whether he's over-reacting or not.

[Giblesp]

If she's trustworthy, no problem at all.

 

I have female friends stay round in the spare room, they are my friends because there isn't anything sexual between us.

[Hollyj]

OP, agree with others re lightening up, BUT, have to say that if this were me (meaning if I were her) I would definitely be inviting my boyfriend to spend time with us.

 

For one, I would want him to meet you! And for you to meet him. Same as I would with my female friiends. No difference.

 

Second, I would not want to go two full weekends without seeing you! Even though busy with other friends, etc. One weekend no problem, but not two in a row. NOT when it can be avoided, plus I think it would be fun to all get together.

 

Has she mentioned anything about introducing you, y'all spending some time together? Even just one day or night?

 

They have only been dating a couple of months.

[katrina1980]

They have only been dating a couple of months.

 

Thanks and yeah I read that after I posted.

 

So I guess it would depend how close they are, whether or not they're exclusive, etc.

 

With my current BF, after two months, I would want my friend(s) to meet him.

 

But we became close fast.

 

With other guys, after two months, I wouldn't.

 

In any event, I agree with everyone he needs to lighten up and tell her to enjoy her weekend.

 

Let the chips fall where they may.

[Hollyj]

Thanks and yeah I read that after I posted.

 

So I guess it would depend how close they are, whether or not they're exclusive, etc.

 

With my current BF, after two months, I would want my friend(s) to meet him.

 

But we became close fast.

 

With other guys, after two months, I wouldn't.

 

In any event, I agree with everyone he needs to lighten up and tell her to enjoy her weekend.

 

Let the chips fall where they may.

 

Yeah.

 

I would see it as a big red flag if someone I was dating came at me with this. My oldest friend, is like my little brother. I would choose my friend over someone I was dating, as there would be a question of trust, and the issue of control would be disturbing.

[katrina1980]

Yeah.

 

I would see it as a big red flag if someone I was dating came at me with this. My oldest friend, is like my little brother. I would choose my friend over someone I was dating, as there would be a question of trust, and the issue of control would be disturbing.

 

You mean if he confronted her right? Had an issue with it?

 

Yeah me too.

 

In fact, in late 2016 dated a man for around two months who was just like that.

 

I had planned a trip to UK to visit my friend (female) and he had a real issue with it, saying "as his gf, I should not be traveling to another country without him."

 

Or something like that, can't remember his exact words.

 

Ugh, two MONTHS we were dating!

 

However, tbh I wouldn't have liked or appreciated his attitude even if we had been dating two years or twenty years.

 

I should be "allowed" to visit my friend in another country without my BF having fits about it.

 

There were other things too, but not too long thereafter that incident, I broke up with him.

 

The trip was postponed; I ended up going in July.

[Hollyj]

You mean if he confronted her right? Had an issue with it?

 

Yeah me too.

 

In fact, in late 2016 dated a man for around two months who was just like that.

 

I had planned a trip to UK to visit my friend (female) and he had a real issue with it, saying "as his gf, I should not be traveling to another country without him."

 

Or something like that, can't remember his exact words.

 

Ugh, two MONTHS we were dating!

 

However, tbh I wouldn't have liked or appreciated his attitude even if we had been dating two years or twenty years.

 

I should be "allowed" to visit my friend in another country without my BF having fits about it.

 

There were other things too, but not too long thereafter that incident, I broke up with him.

 

The trip was postponed; I ended up going in July.

 

You are lucky that you saw this early. You're smart! You ended it. There people act like a parent.

[katrina1980]

Holly, tbh when I talk about wanting my friends to meet my BF after two months, I'm really referring to my current BF whom I'm nearly obsessed with.

 

lol, not really obsessed, just really into (well maybe a little obsessed ) which I haven't felt in a very long time.

 

Before him, the men I dated, I would not have responded that way.

 

Everything changes when you meet someone you're crazy about. At least it has for me.

 

Crazy in a good way of course.

[itsallgrand]

All things considered, I don't think you have anything to worry about. You've only been seeing each other a while, this is a very old friend of hers, and she's being open with you about it.

 

As time goes on and if the relationship keeps progressing, it'd be reasonable to want to meet him . He's obviously an important person in her life. But there's no rush right now.

 

Try to relax and congrats on meeting someone you really like.

[Hollyj]

Holly, tbh when I talk about wanting my friends to meet my BF after two months, I'm really referring to my current BF whom I'm nearly obsessed with.

 

lol, not really obsessed, just really into (well maybe a little obsessed ) which I haven't felt in a very long time.

 

Before him, the men I dated, I would not have responded that way.

 

Everything changes when you meet someone you're crazy about. At least it has for me.

 

 

 

Crazy in a good way of course.

 

I agree with you.

[Seymore]

I'm not sure about the calling you "controlling" part others have stated, mostly because you said you don't know if they had a history of being more than friends.

 

First of all, and this is usually my go-to: what if the roles were reversed? What would she say if you had a female friend stay over?

 

Second, maybe it's just me, but if I was in this guy friend's shoes and had a female friend (especially for that long), and she was in a relationship, I would get a hotel instead of staying at her place, out of respect for the guy she was with.

 

You should at least be included in some form and I would ask if they had a history. If not then I would be miffed but trust her in the end. How's everything else in the relationship?

[Hollyj]

I'm not sure about the calling you "controlling" part others have stated, mostly because you said you don't know if they had a history of being more than friends.

 

First of all, and this is usually my go-to: what if the roles were reversed? What would she say if you had a female friend stay over?

 

Second, maybe it's just me, but if I was in this guy friend's shoes and had a female friend (especially for that long), and she was in a relationship, I would get a hotel instead of staying at her place, out of respect for the guy she was with.

 

You should at least be included in some form and I would ask if they had a history. If not then I would be miffed but trust her in the end. How's everything else in the relationship?

 

They have only been dating two months.

 

If my bf had a longtime, female friend coming for a visit, I would think that it would be strange for her to stay elsewhere. They are friends. I would trust him, and believe myself to be secure enough that I would not be fearful that something would happen.

 

At two months, I would not expect to meet her. At 4+, I would.

[Seymore]

They have only been dating two months.

 

If my bf had a longtime, female friend coming for a visit, I would think that it would be strange for her to stay elsewhere. They are friends. I would trust him, and believe myself to be secure enough that I would not be fearful that something would happen.

 

At two months, I would not expect to meet her. At 4+, I would.

 

He said a couple of months, though - not two. A couple could be your 4+ as it's a vague term. A couple of people, a couple of drinks - often means more than two. I don't know for sure how many months but it's hard to give specific advice when you don't have specific info.

 

I'd still be getting a hotel room if I were the guy, just out of respect for the friend's SO - I'd be the one feeling weird staying at a female friend's place while her boyfriend isn't around. Hell, I'm invited out to another state to visit a long-time friend and stay at he and his gf's place, and I'm STILL getting a hotel despite their offer of me staying there.

 

But that's just me and we just see the situation differently.

[Hollyj]

A couple usually refers to two. Several months would be longer.

 

If my friends have an extra room, and they offer it up, then I will stay there. I will not do the couch or air beds, as I will not sleep.

 

As you said, we are different.

[thealchemist]

I can understand you feeling the way you do. You are in a new relationship and insecurities can come on.

 

However, unless she has been deceptive or lied about this then you don't have much of a leg to stand on. Or if she gets really weird with you two meeting.

 

You can expressive that it makes you uncomfortable but you risk looking insecure. For the love of god don't express your feelings in a way that leaves the expectation that she needs to "do something" about it.

 

If you do tell her it makes you a little uncomfortable it should be in a way like "it makes me uncomfortable but obviously that is my issue". I really feel that if you can't express your feelings in a nonnegative manner with your SO and have an open talk you are in the wrong relationship.

 

I don't feel that he is being controlling or anything because he hasn't even started this dialog with his Gf. He came here to make sure he wasn't being extreme.

 

But at the end of the day you either trust her or you don't. I will say that I have slept at a LOT of girls' houses. I have even slept in the same bed as them. But I have never done anything sexual with any friend that I've stayed at their place.

 

I don't see anything unduly off with how you have framed your gf's explanations or anything. Don't sense anything stetcky.

 

I am a 30 yo male. Just for your references of age gaps and generations.